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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Drama Scripts  ›  Dark World Moderators: bert
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SimplyScripts
Posted: August 27th, 2017, 9:09am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Dark World by David Lambertson - Drama - In order to stop a serial killer, an FBI Agent must convince his colleagues that the murders that only he can see on a virtual reality game are real. 121 pages - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



Visit http://www.simplyscripts.com for what is new on the site.


-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky

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eldave1
Posted: August 27th, 2017, 10:29am Report to Moderator
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Kind of a different thing for me. It was an interesting exercise having to shift between real world and virtual reality world.  Not sure if I pulled it off  - but it was fun.

Note: I'm playing around with some formatting/fonts on this one - so, yeah - I know that some aren't standard. I may convert back when done with the final draft.  If you hate them - let me know.

Anyway - whether it is a page or a full read - as always any feedback is appreciated.


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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Leegion
Posted: August 27th, 2017, 11:40am Report to Moderator
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Dave, I said I'd give this a look when it was live and I'm severely intrigued by it.

As it stands, I've made it to Page 15.  The concept hooked me as soon as I read the log-line.  The premise of virtual reality and reality merging together to form a whole is something that personally ignites my interest, as I'm into that kind of thing.

Some SPOILERS below (nothing story related, but they concern the first 15 pages):

First off; Secret Santa.  

Right off the bat, you hit the "inciting incident" within a few pages of the script.  I want to know who this "Secret Santa" is.  Are they simply a gift-giver, or are they the "killer"?  My early pick for the Secret Santa is Eddy, as he stands out the most, but he is the obvious choice.  I'll definitely keep reading as this definitely hooked my attention.

Virtual Reality

I dig it.  Especially the gloves.  It opens the door for many possibilities.  The concept of Marquis being able to manipulate objects within virtual reality is cool and fresh.

Erebos and "holy crap" moment

This makes sense.  I mean, we're told by Eddy that they're "games", but Erebos knows Marquis' name, so his reaction is completely normal.  Perhaps I'm reading too much into it, and Erebos knows his name due to the phone being connected to the headset, but what if that's not the case?

This definitely makes me want to read more.

------------------

FORMATTING

This doesn't bother me, as much as it would others.  You mentioned if anyone hates it, to let you know, but I never focus on this.  My main focus when reading others' work is to dissect the story, and so far, this script has a very good start.

------------------

All in all, the first 15 pages hooked me, and because of that, I'll read the whole thing.  It might take me a while, perhaps a week, but I'll make time for it over the next few days, as I am really interested in what you have here.

It's very unique, man.  
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eldave1
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Quoted from Leegion
Dave, I said I'd give this a look when it was live and I'm severely intrigued by it.

As it stands, I've made it to Page 15.  The concept hooked me as soon as I read the log-line.  The premise of virtual reality and reality merging together to form a whole is something that personally ignites my interest, as I'm into that kind of thing.

Some SPOILERS below (nothing story related, but they concern the first 15 pages):

First off; Secret Santa.  

Right off the bat, you hit the "inciting incident" within a few pages of the script.  I want to know who this "Secret Santa" is.  Are they simply a gift-giver, or are they the "killer"?  My early pick for the Secret Santa is Eddy, as he stands out the most, but he is the obvious choice.  I'll definitely keep reading as this definitely hooked my attention.

Virtual Reality

I dig it.  Especially the gloves.  It opens the door for many possibilities.  The concept of Marquis being able to manipulate objects within virtual reality is cool and fresh.

Erebos and "holy crap" moment

This makes sense.  I mean, we're told by Eddy that they're "games", but Erebos knows Marquis' name, so his reaction is completely normal.  Perhaps I'm reading too much into it, and Erebos knows his name due to the phone being connected to the headset, but what if that's not the case?

This definitely makes me want to read more.

------------------

FORMATTING

This doesn't bother me, as much as it would others.  You mentioned if anyone hates it, to let you know, but I never focus on this.  My main focus when reading others' work is to dissect the story, and so far, this script has a very good start.

------------------

All in all, the first 15 pages hooked me, and because of that, I'll read the whole thing.  It might take me a while, perhaps a week, but I'll make time for it over the next few days, as I am really interested in what you have here.

It's very unique, man.  


Thanks for the early read, friend - really appreciated!! Glad that you like it so far and that there was a hook for you.  


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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Leegion
Posted: August 27th, 2017, 3:24pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Dave,

I couldn't help myself and decided to read the script in its entirety today.  You have a well rounded story here, very thrilling, lots of twists and turns throughout, and a great hook.

I thoroughly enjoyed reading the script from the first to the last.  It's more of a thriller than a drama, in my opinion, perhaps it would be better suited in that category.  

Nonetheless, onto my full notes and review:

SPOILERS AHEAD

My early thoughts on Eddy being the one behind everything were... let's just say, not at all accurate.  I seriously thought he was the one behind it, especially with how he acted when questioned, as if he had no idea what was going on and that Marquis was making everything up.

Marquis' character.  Very well written.  Post-traumatic stress after his brother died in Mosul, somewhat blaming himself for what happened.  He's also "unchained", so to speak, making him liable for responsibility behind the real-world events of the present day story, which perfectly explains why Holland didn't trust him.

Detective Holland, while a dick most of the time, is also written in a way that makes you absolutely hate him at first, but he kinda grows on you after a little while, like a mole.  His development throughout the story kept me interested in him as a character, and his "relationship" with the protagonist was a very intriguing one.

PAGE 94 - you mention ISAAC, but you never introduced him.  We don't know what he looks like.  All we know is he's around the age of 29, as the events that drive the plot happened 15 years prior, when he was 14.  Other than that, we don't "see" him, so to speak.  He's there, but not there, if that makes sense.

The fact that the story revolves around what happened 15 years ago completely twisted everything on its head.  And putting Alyssa at the forefront of the incident, didn't see that coming, as I believed everything revolved around Marquis' sanity, so kudos on tricking me with that.

In regards to Isaac as a character, he knows he's not getting away with it, which makes him cold enough to go through with it.  He has a REASON for doing what he's doing.  After what he saw as a teenager, it would drive anyone in their right mind completely out of their mind.  

PAGE 87 - You get a point for making me laugh when Goodwell flipped Marquis off... nothing more to say on that, it was just funny.

Speaking of funny... there's humor here.  Not a LOT, but enough to keep it from being too serious, which I like.  There's nothing more boring than a thriller that remains serious throughout.  You need a few laughs, and you have those in the bag.

PAGE 102 - Isaac, man... holy hell.  This guy reminds me of "The Joker".  

Director Davis - very well written and extremely likeable.  Her and Marquis have a strong bond throughout, which only strengthens each time they meet.  

PAGE 110 - Isaac is stated as 24... so either it happened 11 years ago, or he's 29, as Alyssa says it was "15 years ago", as Isaac would've been 14.  Maybe try clearing that up a bit?  

PAGE 112 - The end begins and the explanation works.  I love the fact that Isaac just doesn't care anymore.  He wants vengeance, it's his ONLY motivation.  

The final interaction between Marquis and Isaac is thrilling.  I thought Marquis would shoot him, but no... he just said one word and that was it... GAME OVER.

--------------------------------------------------

Dave, you wrote an amazing story here.  It was packed with thrills, chills, excitement, twists and turns, well-written characters and a villain that made perfect sense.

Yes, there were some issues.  Some paragraphs went for a little too long.  A few issues with some dialogue, but that can be fixed quite easily.

However, apart from the technical hiccups here or there, the STORY is where I focused most of my attention, alongside the CHARACTERS.  And both of them are great.

It's also very descriptive, which may turn some people off, but I liked it.  I could picture everything as clear as day with how you described everything that was going on in each scene.

That's about all I have to say.  In closing; this was a great read.  I'd recommend it to anyone who's into Thriller/Sci-Fi/Horror style screenplays.

Lee
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Warren
Posted: August 27th, 2017, 5:06pm Report to Moderator
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Hi Dave,

Is this the one the were talking about?


To View All My Scripts Please Use The Link Below

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eldave1
Posted: August 27th, 2017, 5:27pm Report to Moderator
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Yes


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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Warren
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Will start today.


To View All My Scripts Please Use The Link Below

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eldave1
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Lee: thanks tons for the read and the kind remarks. Really appreciated man.


Quoted Text
PAGE 94 - you mention ISAAC, but you never introduced him.  We don't know what he looks like.  All we know is he's around the age of 29, as the events that drive the plot happened 15 years prior, when he was 14.  Other than that, we don't "see" him, so to speak.  He's there, but not there, if that makes sense.


He is actually introduced on page 6 - the custodian Marquis runs into in the elevator lobby - he's only there for a sec - so probably easy to miss. Thanks again. I am thrilled that it was not too confusing.


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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eldave1
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Quoted from Warren
Will start today.


Thanks, bud - much appreciated


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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Leegion
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Quoted from eldave1
Lee: thanks tons for the read and the kind remarks. Really appreciated man.

He is actually introduced on page 6 - the custodian Marquis runs into in the elevator lobby - he's only there for a sec - so probably easy to miss. Thanks again. I am thrilled that it was not too confusing.


No problem, man.  I always return the favor.

And yeah, turns out I did miss Isaac's intro, or rather I forgot as he was only there for a brief few moments and then returned near the end.  I retract that note.
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eldave1
Posted: August 28th, 2017, 9:42am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Leegion


No problem, man.  I always return the favor.

And yeah, turns out I did miss Isaac's intro, or rather I forgot as he was only there for a brief few moments and then returned near the end.  I retract that note.


Still a valuable note - tells me that I need might need to add a reference back (in dialogue - e.g., I emptied you Dad's trash cabs or something) to remind the reader of where he was in the story.


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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JakeJon
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Dave,
A pleasure to read a feature that flows smoothly with minimal you know, "untidiness".

But, I thought it was too LONG.  J MO.  Maybe eliminate or condense some of the cute stuff.

Was glad the culprit wasn't the obvious Eddy and I had totally ignored Issac's intro so kudos here.

Thought that tying the loose ends together;  the VR doors   to Janet, Christopher and Alyssa (Hannah)  and the Why happened a little late in the story  (for the audience to have a mystery solving chance).   None the less; pretty darn enjoyable.

JJ
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eldave1
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Thanks for the read and the comments Jake - much appreciated!


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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Warren
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Hi Dave,

As I go:

POTENTIAL SPOILERS:

Pg 1


Quoted Text
Making his way away from out of that crowd


Something does seem right here. Just "Making his way out of the crowd"?

Pg 2


Quoted Text
MARQUIS (O.C.)


It's my understanding that O.C. is generally used for television and sitcoms where O.S. is for film. Not a big deal either way, everyone knows what you mean. Just pointing it out.

Dialogue on page 3 - 5 felt a bit forced, just the explanation of the VR, how it works, and where to get it. Not sure how you could get the point across any better but it just felt unnatural.

Pg 6


Quoted Text
MARQUIS
I don’t have your number.
EDDY
I added it to your contacts. After
I downloaded. Let me know if --


Probably for a good reason later, but would anyone really do this?

Pg 7


Quoted Text
MARQUIS (O.S.)


Interested to know why you would change between the two (O.S. Vs O.C.)? Typo maybe?

Pg 8


Quoted Text
Her and Danielle our moving in


are moving in

Pg 9


Quoted Text
Marquis kisses ALYSSA on top of the head


Any particular reason Alyssa is in caps here? She has already been introduced.

Pg 14


Quoted Text
steps behind the woman we now know
as JANET


Over writing for the sake of it. Steps behind JANET.


Quoted Text
He scrolls through the contacts - hits “EDDY.”


Still feels weird and convenient that he would put his number in the phone. Has to be a better way.

Pg 15


Quoted Text
Marquis, phone to his ear, paces in the garage.


Not sure the phone to his ear is required.

I'm going for an early call on Eddy being the killer.

Pg 16


Quoted Text
...So,


What purpose does this ellipse serve before the dialogue? I'm not sure how this would read.


Quoted Text
MARQUIS
Way too graphic - disturbing even.
I think I’m just going to trash it.


As an FBI agent wouldn’t he have seen a lot worse? And what he has seen hasn’t really been that bad, has it?

Pg 17


Quoted Text
MARQUIS
Yeah, yeah. I’m fine.


Just something I noticed but not really a massive issue, you do a bit of this word repetition. Yeah, yeah. No, no. Okay, okay. I mention it only because 17 pages in and I noticed it.

Pg 19


Quoted Text
CAPTAIN SANCHEZ
Judge Evers isn’t certain that she
just didn’t run off. Apparently,
They’ve had issues. He doesn’t
really want anything in the papers
just yet.


When I go through my work I generally find that the word "just" is rarely needed but for some reason it creeps in a lot. You have two in this bit of dialogue. I think it reads better without and still makes the same point.

Pg 22/23


Quoted Text
A blood curdling SCREAM off in the virtual distance.


I fell like there needs to be a comma after SCREAM.


Quoted Text
Erebos red wings expand.


I usually never use names that end in s for this reason because I don’t quite understand the rule. Shouldn’t this be Ereboses or Erebos'? Some sort of ownership of the wings.

I’m not sure how to comment on this, but the virtual world allows you a lot of freedom with scene locations. You change scenes several times under the slug VIRTUAL REALITY - DARK WORLD. Will this pose some sort of problem if this were to go into production?


Quoted Text
we are lead
down a narrow corridor that divides the warehouse.
An opening at the end. We reach it,


A few 'we do this, we do that' creeping in.

Pg 24


Quoted Text
MARQUIS (V.O.)
No!
The screen goes pitch black. Janet’s GASPS the only sound.
EREBOS (O.C.)
Perhaps I will show mercy.


Again both of these are V.O.'s what distinction are you making between them?


Quoted Text
HANNAH (V.O.)
Dad - Dad, are you alright?


Wouldn’t this be O.S. as Hannah isn’t in the game, she is just off screen?

Pg 25


Quoted Text
MARQUIS
Fine - fine.


That double speak again. I know people talk like this, but do they really do it that often?

Pg 26


Quoted Text
Marquis’ empty


This is what I was talking about earlier about ownership and names ending with s. Wouldn’t the same rule apply to Erebos?

Pg 26/27


Quoted Text
and enters the

INT. WAREHOUSE - DAY


It doesn’t really read well when you lead from an unfinished sentence into a full slug. A mini slug it works well and most people do it and so do I but this doesn’t work for me.

Pg 27


Quoted Text
He can hear the SIRENS in the distance as he moves


Can probably lose the "He can hear the" part.


Quoted Text
lock and loaded


locked and loaded


Quoted Text
“TOO LATE ?”


Completely a style/artistic thing, but I'm not a fan of seeing this type of thing in a script. One of the recent QC entries had a similar entry and I didn’t like that either. It's almost like you’re telling the director what font to use when they carve the chair. For me personally, it adds nothing to the story.

Pg 29


Quoted Text
Alright...Look


Alright... look

Pg 30

More double speak.

Okay going to call it there for now. You have always been very through on my scripts so I'm doing the same. I'm happy to keep going like this or just read it and give you an over view.

Most of the things I've picked up I imagine would be style choices and don’t really matter. All I have done it review it in the way that I write, so if it is different, I have pointed it out.

I have asked some questions along the way, fell free to answer them or let them just be though provoking.

The writing is by no means bad; I think at this point we all know you can write.

Story wise, this is great so far, I'm in it and I want to know where it's going and that's the most important thing.

My page numbers may be off by a page, I noticed towards the end that the reader was reading them incorrectly.

Will keep going, let me know if you want me to nit-pick the rest or just give you my thoughts on the story.



To View All My Scripts Please Use The Link Below

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