SimplyScripts Discussion Board
Blog Home - Produced Movie Script Library - TV Scripts - Unproduced Scripts - Contact - Site Map
ScriptSearch
Welcome, Guest.
It is November 24th, 2017, 3:27pm
Please login or register.
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login

If you wish to join this discussion board, please send me a message. Please do read the guidelines that govern behavior on the discussion board. It will make for a much more pleasant experience for everyone. A word about SimplyScripts and Censorship
Who Wrote What

The Writer's Choice



The breakdown has been posted

Short Script of the Day | Featured Script of the Month | Featured Short Scripts Available for Production | Submit Your Script

How do I get my film's link and banner here?
All screenplays on the simplyscripts.com and simplyscripts.net domain are copyrighted to their respective authors. All rights reserved. This screenplaymay not be used or reproduced for any purpose including educational purposes without the expressed written permission of the author.
Forum Login
Username: Create a new Account
Password:     Forgot Password

SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Drama Scripts  ›  When We Fall Behind Moderators: bert
Users Browsing Forum
Googlebot and 1 Guests

 Pages: 1
Recommend Print
  Author    When We Fall Behind  (currently 174 views)
Don
Posted: November 12th, 2017, 4:54pm Report to Moderator
Administrator
Administrator


So, what are you writing?

Location
Virginia
Posts
11592
Posts Per Day
1.89
When We Fall Behind by Dan Hutchinson - Drama - Estranged brothers Mike and Frankie travel across America to lay their Mother to rest. As they struggle to overcome their past, a bounty hunter looks to end their future. 121 pages - pdf, format

New writer interested in feedback on this work


Visit http://www.simplyscripts.com for what is new on the site.


-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky
Logged
Site Private Message
eldave1
Posted: November 15th, 2017, 9:09pm Report to Moderator
Yellow



Location
Southern California
Posts
2863
Posts Per Day
2.36
Hey, Dan: read a few pages. Not bad at all but you could be more efficient with your descriptions by (1) eliminating info that you already have in your scene headings and (2) getting rid of all the "it is" and opening "the". I saw this issue throughout. Examples:


Quoted Text
EXT. RED'S BAR - BOSTON - NIGHT

It is a rain-filled night.


Don't need night (it's in your heading) or the it is. Just:

Raining

or better yet something more descriptive

Pouring rain or unrelenting rain


Quoted Text
INT. RED'S BAR - NIGHT
The place is about half-full. Around thirty people are seated
near the small stage listening while others sit at the bar
talking.


You don't need "the place" - we already know we're in a bar. Just open with:

About half full.


Quoted Text
EXT. RED'S BAR - NIGHT
It is still raining.


Lose the it's. Just:

Still raining.


Quoted Text
Frankie is stopped dead in his tracks. He winces before
slowly turning to face RAY CANNAVARO (55), a white male with
receding hair and a face of a thousand stories.


Again - no need for the is.

Frankie stops dead in his tracks, winces before slowly...



Quoted Text
INT. DILAPIDATED WAREHOUSE - NIGHT

The warehouse is sparse apart from some old broken machinery.


We already know it is a warehouse. Just write.

Sparse, apart from.....


Quoted Text
A badly beaten man is sitting tied to a chair. He is wearing
a ruffled designer suit. It is CARL SULLIVAN (mid 30's) and
sun kissed. Carl sports a BLOODIED right eye and chin.


The is's and the ing words are really slowly the read. Make it active rather than passive.

e.g.,

CARL SULLIVAN (mid 30's), ruffled designer suit, sits tied to a chair. His eye and chin bloodied.

Anyway - I know the above may seem nitty, but they are small changes that can really pick up the pace of the read.

Hope this helps


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
Logged Offline
Site Private Message Reply: 1 - 3
Nuwander
Posted: November 16th, 2017, 3:48am Report to Moderator
Red


Posts
1
Posts Per Day
0.08
Thanks for the input Eldave1.  Appreciated
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 2 - 3
eldave1
Posted: November 16th, 2017, 10:09am Report to Moderator
Yellow



Location
Southern California
Posts
2863
Posts Per Day
2.36

Quoted from Nuwander
Thanks for the input Eldave1.  Appreciated


My pleasure - best of luck


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
Logged Offline
Site Private Message Reply: 3 - 3
 Pages: 1
Recommend Print

Locked Board Board Index    Drama Scripts  [ previous | next ] Switch to:
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login

Forum Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post polls
You may not post attachments
HTML is on
Blah Code is on
Smilies are on


Powered by E-Blah Platinum 9.71B © 2001-2006