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Niger Delta by Jordan Breen - Drama - In the corrupt turmoil of Nigeria, a fragile mother/aid worker uncovers a dangerous truth that holds the key to liberating its citizens. (Based on true events). 93 pages
contest: Finalist in 2010 Script Pipeline and All Access. - pdf, format
I like how you have compacted the story into 94 pages. It indicates a tight story. That's the kind of length I aspire too. The Gandhi quote should be under BLANK SCREEN?, but it does the job, I suppose you have left it for the film-maker's how would present it. I would just show it over the beginning scene.
Up to page 6… And I like what I have read so far. You do great openings, and they involved children (actually only 2 that I have read, I am thinking of ‘Feed Her’). Great Gandhi quote to get us in the mood, that this is going to be an intelligent piece. I can see why this was shortlisted I think I have come to love the ‘we see’ description tool. It is very elaborately written, especially page 1, you are very confident in the story, you know exactly what you want, the sounds, the music, the mood, impressive. I can see a lot of arguments with you and the director on the scenes, unless you direct it yourself of course. Pg. 1 what melody is the girl humming, or did you mean ‘a’ melody? You do do great openings and they somehow always involve children. A good set up as to why our protagonist is going to Nigeria. Eva’s character is well presented, especially with her daughter. Strong, sympathetic heroine (a young Meryl Streep). You use ‘a beat’ a lot, quite a lot. It is not a tool that I like, but others love it, but used quite a lot in the first 5 pages. I’m just up to Lagos airport, or Murtala Muhammed International Airport. Boy I’ve got terrible experiences in that place. (including taking my mother's body back for burial. Very specific script as I said, I like the way you use classical music within the story, especially when Eva goes through her research. You might consider also turning this into a novel. You seem to have a fertile imagination, and I am arrogant enough to think that it is easier writing a novel than a screenplay, but what do I know. You’ve either had some experience with this world or done a tone of research. Didn’t expect that from an Aussie, which sounds really ignorant. Nice, I’ll leave a comment when I’m done.
Thank you Matthew. I so very much appreciate your insight, especially as you have a connection with Lagos. It was very interesting feedback so again, thank you. Looking forward to your final thoughts.
I thought I would be able to finish this by the weekend. I am only halfway. But I have to say that from what I have read so far, this is a highly accomplished work. I don't want to speed through it, but enjoy every moment. The characters are believable and really go through a baptism of fire. Standouts for me is corrupt coward Preston, and Governer Ajani, who reminds of a mad Roman Emperor.