Egend by Gerasimos Rozis - Drama - A cryptography firm's executive starts a war with the CIA, when he discovers the abusive behavior of an Institution towards its inmates, for the likes of a uniquely skilled autistic kid who reminds him, his dead son. 89 pages - pdf format

New writer interested in feedback on this work

Here is my page by page notes as I wrote them down while reading your screenplay:
4 p.---
Parenthetical (serious) can be omitted without loosing anything. We know that general is serious; it’s clear from his dialog.
9 p.---

MARK
Yeah, right, he cost me 4 hours in
Bella. We’ll get him after
midnight.
MARK: “Yeah… We’ll get him tonight.” Sounds to me shorter, sharper and less on the nose.
9 p.---
“Alan caress Mark’s head. With a trembled voice…”
Should not be Steven’s head?
11 p.---
They rape Alan? I thought it would be GP rated screenplay… As an unproduced screenwriter, I try to write a movie that would be viewed by as many people as possible. This rape scene will significantly reduce the tickets sale. And, the producers will not be happy.
14 p.---
MIKE (CONT’D)
OK then, you are the boss. I’ll
send this as soon I get back home.
Same thing here; you can remove last sentence without losing anything.
18 p.---
PAUL
I don’t think the Russians do care
about 10k per year.
Looks like Paul doesn’t know Russians well😊 10k is a good money in Russia. They would care, believe me. I was born in USSR.
29 p.---
“Mr Roberts places the cheque onto is desk.”
Missing H: “his desk.”
29 p.---
MR ROBERTS (CONT’D)
KIDS, THESE TWO GENTLEMEN HAVE
BROUGHT SOME NEW PUZZLES FOR YOU.
WHO WANTS TO PLAY WITH THEM?
Why is it all capitals?
30 p.---
“Paul looks tpwards Steven once again.”
“towards” - A couple of typos are maybe okay, but I’ve already noticed more than a couple and I’m not yet in the middle of the story… they are distractions that can turn good stories less enjoyable.
34 p.---
“MR ANDERSON
It’s settled then. I’ll contact you
when when the report is ready.
However, I’m sure Nick will know
the details first.”
Another distraction: double when.
And, I did not get the purpose of this scene. Hopefully, I’ll do soon.
38 p.---
“All 5 of them head to the kitchen.”
Who’s the fifth one? We only see 4 of them entering kitchen.
Also, what are “weird transparent contact lenses-alike things”?

40 p.---

TRAVIS
OK BOYS, FINISH UP YOUR BREAKFAST!
TIME TO GO OUT AND PLAY!
Okay, now I get it: you are capitalizing the dialog if a person is shouting. But, you don’t need to capitalize it: We know that he’s shouting. I have seen in the screenplays, some of the writers capitalize one or two words to emphasize them, but I have never seen whole dialog being capitalised. My self, I always underline them (words, not hole dialog)...
Looks like lenses-alike things are some kind of spy devices. Would be better if you tell it right away. As a screenwriter, you should make clear everything for a reader. It’s a director’s job to keep the audience guessing.
46 p.---
Anderson and Atkinson… John and Josh… these similar names are distracting me. You should try to avoid them.
58 p.---
I think first question Paul should ask is: “Does CIA know that HoA is abusing children?” I expected him to ask this question, but… He doesn’t…
60 p.---
Now, Josh is referred as Husky. You have to state the character’s true name right from the introduction to avoid the confusion.
As I stated above: it’s a director’s job to confuse the audience. As a writer, you should be a crystal clear. On page 35 you describe Husky like this:
“Their kid is a stocky 15 years old boy named Josh, with a
characteristic eye heterochromia.”
The proper way would be something like this:
HUSKY “JOSH” is a stocky 15 years old boy, with a heterochromia: one blue and one green eye.
Then, every time we see him, you should always refer him by the same name: as Husky.
62 p.---
Jenifer Perkins must be in capital letters. The first time appeared characters must be in caps always.
H! must be Hi!
64 p.---
Ofthen, you are describing people to be “serious…” and it is getting annoying.  In a drama, we assume the characters to be serious.
65 p.---
Paul says that CIA knows about HoA abusing children. You have to make it clear for a reader that CIA really knows that in HoA, they are raping the children.
But, why would CIA let it happen?
JENNIFER PERKINS
I can only imagine your way Mr
Rooz. I’m sure you’re talking about
the Constel way.
What’s the Constel way?
73 p.---
Seeing Barry, Travis and Parker in the container is very satisfying ending. Good job!
Also, I like to see Hellen, Paul and Steven together. Hell done!
Plot:
A young autistic boy, used by CIA as a decoder, is kept in a horrible, abusive HoA institution. The boy is saved by a main protagonist who has lost his autistic son 5 years earlier.
The plot is pretty straightforward and interesting. Autistic characters always touch the audience’s sentimental feelings and they make deep, dramatic impacts on the viewers.
I did not find any big holes in the plot. Usually, first screenplays are renowned for that. My first screenplay had so many holes that I did not finish it
Only thing that kept me wondering was: why would CIA let its valuable asset, like Steven, to live in such a horrible condition?
I would give it 3 stars out of five.
Characters:
There was a nice chemistry going on between Paul and Hellen. It was nice to see all of them (Paul, Steven and Hellen) together in the end.
Husky, Alan, Nick… there were a lot of good characters that the audience would have care about. And, obviously, you had many “bad boys” too that the audience would have hate!
Unfortunately, there were too many characters. That’s why there was not enough room to develop all of them in same extent.
3 out of 5
Dialog:
Most of the dialog was okay. You had some of them that could be shortened, or even eliminated altogether, but in general, considering that it’s your first screenplay, I found them satisfactory.
I would give it also 3 out of 5.  
Format:
The format was probably one of the easiest thing that you could and should have handle better.
Action lines were painfully long. If you had broke them down into 1, 2, or 3 liners, I would have had much better experience reading it.
Plus, the page count could go near 100 – a number that is more appropriate for a feature screenplay, than current 73.
Some of the characters were not properly introduced. Please see my page by page notes.
Also, a simple, easily avoidable grammatical errors slowed down my read.
3 – out of 5
All in all, I think you did a good job, considering it’s your first work. There is no doubt that you have a talent of a story teller but you need to pay more attention to the grammar and the format.
And, you need to read a lot of screenplays!

Now, what I would have change in the story if it was my screenplay?
I would definitely a. --- remove the rape scenes, and…
b. --- I would give a good explanation why CIA keeps Steven in HoA.
Hope, my review was helpful.
I wish you best.
Sorry for my English, it’s not my first language.
Datha

Really appreciate this Datha. You're the second person to notice (the not-so-obvious into my eyes lol) about why the cia keeps Steven in HoA. Even myself needs an answer on this... I'll think of something and make it clear^^
I already removed the rape scene, however I want to give the impression to the audience that things like that, occur in HoA.

Most of your page-to-page notes were spot on, already corrected.
The Constel way=Jennifer Perkins knows Nick and the Constel background of Black Ops etc

Just a note regarding 'serious'. Yes it's a drama, and most of them look serious throughout the script, but an 'expert' told me to write it when I need a lock-on facial expression. I guess, you maybe right on this however, and just delete those.

Thank you for your time!!
Best regards

Usually, I try to give the author my suggestions about the something that I did not like in their story. I was thinking how this problem could be solved (CIA neglecting Steven), but could not come up with any easy fix.

I thought: may be HoA is not an open institution but a CIA's secret school with the gifted children that can crack the codes, read the minds, hack the programs, see the past or future and so on... CIA did not know about the personals' bad behavior and negligence, but once they learn, they want to keep it in secret...  

But, this would require a lot of changes.

I'm glad that you took out the rape scenes. Leaving the impression is okay.

datha

After reading the first few pages, I see that you write action in huge unbroken blocks and use tons of unneccessary description when it should be more streamlined.  This is something i struggle with constantly as I'm now on my 21st draft of Scarecrow and still not completely happy with it.  So, I decided instead of nitpicking your use of grammar and getting too far into plot and character, I'd help address what I believe are your biggest issues.  

Take a look at your first big block of action...


PAUL, early 40s, expensively dressed, kneels in front of a
grave. He looks expressionless, perhaps a bit sad. He is
holding some daisies, staring the photo on the grave. It’s
his wife and son. Their names are written there. We see the
names. Angela and Adam. They look really happy in that
photo, hugging, over the daisy field. Behind him, about 10
feet away, stands NICK, Paul’s stoic bodyguard. He is a tall
and muscular, 45 years old, always alert. After couple of
minutes of silence, Nick gets next to Paul.

New version --

Paul (40s), impeccably dressed, a fistful of daisies, kneels before a grave with the names Angela  
and Adam enscribed on the headstone.  Before it lay a playful photo of his wife and son in a field
full of daisies.

Not far behind Paul stands bodyguard NICK (40s), tall, stoic, on full alert.  After a brief moment of
silence, Nick joins Paul and quietly watches as he places the daisies on the grave.  Paul kisses
the photo, heads for his car as Nick follows closely behind.    

A regular issue I see in your action is your repetition of details, repeating the same thing twice.  For example,
"Their names are written there.  We see the names.  Angela and Adam.  You use a lot of unneccessary words in your description that can be streamlined.  I'll give you another example...



EXT. CRYPTOHQ - DAY

They arrive at the front entrance of CryptoHQ, a cryptography and communications company.  
Nick drives.  Looking the building it seems like it’s a multibillion company. Around the building,
the security is tight. Men of Constel Security are everywhere around. They’re wearing
bulletproof vests and they are heavily armed. Both men enter the building.

Who is they?  We don't know based on the first sentence.  They enter the building.  How?  In a car, or on foot?

"Looking at the building, it seems like a multibillion dollar company.  Around the building, the security is tight".  Men of Constel Security are everywhere around.

How do we know they work for Constel Security?  I would add something to the effect,

"security is tight, top notch.  Several blue shirts marked Constel Security walk the perimeter"

-- just to show us who runs this outfit.  Let's write out this block of action using another approach...

EXT.  CRYPTOHQ - DAY

A large sign next to a front gate cubicle reads CRYPTO HQ.  An impressive looking building suggests big money.  Paul's car stops at the guard poking his head out a window.  Nick behind the wheel.  The yellow gate opens as   they cruise past dozens of heavily armed men in kevlar and blue shirts marked Constel Security.

Nick finds an open spot near the entrance.  The two get out, head for the doors.        

So, now we know the security works for Constel and they enter the building on foot.  These little details in the action are what's hurting you the most.  It adds to the confusion.  

INT. CRYPTOHQ LOBBY - DAY

There are lots of people going in and out the building.  Security is even tighter inside. Cameras, all sorts of
detectors, heat signature and thumbnail control systems are noticed. In the presence of Paul’s secretary
HELEN, mid thirties, a beautiful and elegant woman, dressed in a stunning woman suit, Paul and Nick go
around all those checking procedures.

New version...

INT.  CRYPTOHQ LOBBY - DAY

People pour in and out.  Security is even tighter inside.  Cameras, heat signature and thumbnail control systems on full display.  HELEN (30s), beautiful, elegant, pants suit, keeps a close eye on things.

Paul and Nick go around all those checking procedures.  What does this mean?  They are bypassing security or are they carefully inspecting the security personell on staff?   I am having a hard time envisioning a lot of this.  But this has to do with your over describing every single movement and action.      


INT. CRYPTOHQ CONFERENCE ROOM - DAY

Nick remains outside the room. Both Paul and Helen enter the
conference room. MR ROGERS, late 60s, is the CryptoHQ’s CEO.
He stands up and hugs Paul, whispering him couple of words.
Paul shakes his head. Mr Rogers turns towards the others.
Sitting around the table, there is a 5 star General in
military uniform, a bald guy with glasses that really looks
like a spook more than anything else, and another mid-30s
well dressed government agent.

New version...

INT.  CRYPTOHQ CONFERENCE ROOM - DAY

Paul and Helen enter.  Through the glass, Nick is seen standing guard outside.  MR ROGERS (60s), CryptoHQ CEO, distinguished, gray, stands, hugs Paul, whispers in his ear.  Paul shakes his head.  

Rogers turns to the others at the table.  This includes a five star general in full uniform with all the ribbons.  A bald CIA type in glasses, and a clean cut, nondescript man in a streamlined suit.  

Now, you've broken up your action into two specific lines that will help us visualize the scene.  Words like "really looks like a spook more than anything else, and sitting around the table" are streamlined into simpler descriptions like CIA type in glasses and Rogers turns to the others at the table.  

To be honest, just by doing these exercises with someone else's script has been very helpful.  It's a good way to practice blocking action and how to simplify and not use so many words and descriptions.  I would seriously start at the beginning and do this for every block of action in your script.  Find those unneccessary words and remove them, replace with tighter action.  And learn to break up your blocks of action.  Pretend you're the director and you're visualizing where the camera is going from line to line and from character to character.  Notice how I broke up the action when Rogers turns to the others at the table.  It helps the reader visualize that there is a full table of other people we are about to meet.  It takes our attention OFF of Paul and Helen and ON the table.  Without actually telling the director or writing screen direction.    

Now, just based on the concept of your script and the overall premise, I saw MERCURY RISING as soon as we meet Steven the puzzle breaker.  It's almost the exact same premise with the CIA spooks coming after the 9 year old autistic code breaker because he knows too much.  You even used the idea of crossword puzzles in your story, just like the one Miko Hughes solves in the movie.  Because of this, I really lost interest.

BUT THERE'S A GOOD STORY IN HERE SOMEWHERE  

If I were given this script on assignment and told to do a page one rewrite, I'd focus more on the CIA angle and how they are using this halfway house to brainwash and control these autistic children and I'd lose most of the bullying and fights between the kids.  This didn't interest me in the least and left me wondering where this was all going.  I would be VERY interested in seeing a Manchurian Candidate type thriller really getting into mind control and how the government has taken control of these children's lives as this is a goverment facility.  Or maybe even like Clockwork Orange where Alex gets completely brainwashed and transformed into a law abiding citizen.  This would actually be pretty frightening.  As it stands now, there seems to be two very different stories going on here and it's hard to get involved in either one.  It takes forever to tie these two stories together and it was very hard for me to stay interested.  

Like I said, I'd forget story for awhile and just practice format like crazy.  I'm in the same boat myself, still struggling and making rookie mistakes.  I've seen so-so scripts take contests because they are tightly formatted, easy to read and clean.  I'm convinced, this is what they look for.  Keep practicing.

Jack, thank you for your comments.