Hi Dave. Just read this - my thoughts/notes:
P9: INT: CLOSED SESSION CONFERENCE ROOM- LATER THAT DAY Use just "LATER"
P26: T: HAL'S PUB DOWNTOWN LOS ANGELES - NIGHT Downtown los angeles is unneccessary. And you are missing an in in front of the t.
Well, for one, you're breasts are
too large. Ever think about that?
P32: Will you please put take it off and
put on a nice suit.
I reckon the put before take is a typo.
P34: A dot missing after "There are
many other gaps in the program"
P40: People in the audience start making there way to the doors. Their*
P47: Baker and the Governor discussing Lowell's latest behavior -
plan a trip to LA
? Did you accidentally leave a note in there?
An MRI doesn't take 30 minutes.
P49: All of these parentheticals seem superfluous. The (to)'s are obvious enough based on the dialogue.
P50: Mistake in slug line. - is straight after EXT.
INT: INSIDE RESTAURANT - DAY is also wrong. There is no need for "inside". You have also mentioned it as DOWNTOWN RESTAURANT already. Don't change the name of locations in slug lines, otherwise the reader will get confused.
P51: Superfluous parenthetical again. The dialogue makes it clear enough.
P56: You're instead of your in Supervisor Jordan's first dialogue on the page. "DO" should be "Do".
P68: EXT: CITY TERRACE PARK, LOS ANGELES - DAY Is Los Angeles really necessary here?
The block of text here could also be divided into multiple lines to make a smoother read.
Put you're belt on.
Isn't INT: BACK HALLWAY LEADING TO THE BOARD HEARING ROOM - DAY
what you earlier referenced as INT. INFRONT OF THE BOARD HEARING ROOM
Once again blocks of text here that could be divided into multiple lines.
P72: INT: LA COUNTY BOARD HEARING ROOM - DAY This was earlier referenced as
P73: You have voice from intercom, into the intercom and from the intercom. Just mention it once and keep going with the (O.S).
P74: A malignant tumor*?
P79: INT: LOBBY OUTSIDE SUPERVISOR MCKINNEY OFFICE - DAY MCKINNEY'S*
P84: You should be using something in the likes of ON TV SCREEN:/INSERT TV SCREEN: here instead of INT: CNN NEWS STUDIO - NIGHT
. And instead of this INT: STEVEN BAKER'S RESIDENCE - NIGHT
afterwards just use BACK TO SCENE.
P85: A doorbell is heard* You have an extra a.
ATTENDANT changes to GOVERNOR's ATTENDANT. Never change a character name in a script.
Jason, anything that you're office
would do at this point would surely
be seen as favoritism.
Robert, you we're saying.
P90: EXT: OUTSIDE COMMUNITY CENTER - DAY Don't need the outside. EXT. already establishes that.
P91: INT: SUPERVISOR JACKSON'S OFFICE- DAY Missing a space.
Yes, but there not all standing
here in this room at the moment.
Besides, why would you need a
P97: The (to Lowell) is superfluous here.
P102: INT: HALL OUTSIDE OF HEARING ROOM
I think this is the third name that hall is getting in slug lines.
P103: INT: INSIDE THE HOSPITAL ROOM - DAY
Remove the inside. Also hospital room/intensive care room don't really sound right. Intensive care unit and hospital ward.
P105: This scene would in my opinion work much better with an INSERT TV:/ON TV:.
Things I noticed throughout the script:
Continuity on slug lines. It is important for all slug lines to describe locations. Those locations need to have the same name throughout the script. The purpose for this is for the production crew to know exactly how many scenes happen in said location. Most screenwriting programs do this for you. Once you type INT./EXT. you can choose a scene that you've already used in the script. Also i'm not sure why you used a : behind int/ext, it should be a dot.
Parentheticals. I noticed quite a few that would work better as action lines. You also have (filter/on phone) formatted differently throughout the script. Sometimes it's behind the character name, sometimes it's as a parenthetical. I suggest having it as a parenthetical and (O.S) behind the character.
Characters having governor/supervisor in the dialogue. I think it would really contribute to an easier read here if they were just referenced as McKinney/Jordan etc.
Now to the story:
To start off, I'm also inclined to say that I wasn't fond of that starting montage of newspaper headlines in the beginning. I don't think it's necessary to establish his politician/cop career(s) right from the first page. All the important information is referenced in dialogue afterwards and I think it works better if we slowly get to know these things about Lowell.
I disagree with R here, I think the opening dialogue fits here. Especially because it is well written and establishes a very interesting doctor/patient relationship that you don't really see on the screen. The entire script has a lot of dialogue and I don't see that as a problem. You see it in a lot of political-themed stuff (Boss/Aaron Sorkin's series).
I liked the tone of the script you set. Good POV on today's media and politics.
I found Lowell's actions quite believable. I liked how there was more to it than just the tumor for his erratic behaviour. He let out his disappointment in the system, probably wanted to do something special.. for that kid who died/the community knowing that he might just as well not make it. Knowing that he has a tumor that is affecting his rationalism already he gets disappointed in the atmosphere of politics around him, wants to do something, make a mark. If his character wasn't too OTT at times this could be very well be described as a drama.
Quoted from "eldave1"
It could be that a man facing death is enough and that the other conflicts (i.e., the Governor race, The battle with Supervisor McKinney, the pending removal from office) are just too much for one story.
No. In my opinion all of these things work well in your script. They're plots that all tie together nicely while giving the reader a variety of plot conclusions to look forward to.
What I didn't like: Tess. She was just too much of a wifey, constantly worried about Lowell. Her nagging was OTT for me. How the character spoke was annoying and felt overacted theater-ish. I could almost picture her emoting with her hands staring at the ceiling during some of her dialogue.
Let's take this for example:
My goodness, you're smoking! What
on earth has gotten into you?
Don't fret about it. We're both too
old to get a long term illness.
(waving her hand at the
smoke as she sits down)
But oh, it smells so.
Lowell exhales forcefully watching the plume waft into the
What's wrong? What's swirling in
that head of yours?
Nothing, just feeling a bit odd
There just wasn't much else than the worrying/nagging to her character. I especially disliked her "Language, Lowell!" moments.
You have something promising here. Good luck with future drafts and welcome to the boards.