Well done eldave, my man!

You don't need me to pat you on the back, but still, word life!

Thanks, Max- appreciated

Hi everyone. I'm new to the boards and keen to participate in both giving and receiving feedback (I'll be posting a sitcom pilot soon and a feature length at a later date).

I really enjoyed your script David. Something that's top 10% for BlueCat must be pretty much on the money so I almost hesitate to give suggestions but here were my thoughts:

I liked it very much. I found the dialogue smooth and entertaining. All of the characters were believable and I found Lowell very likeable. For these reasons, I finished the script with relative ease - this is a very good sign.

However, I was left feeling a bit flat at the end. This is probably due to the fact that I felt overall the story lacked some dynamics. Tess' stroke was a shock, but only in a surprising way, not in an emotionally jarring way because I didn't feel much for Tess and neither did I get a compelling sense of what a loss she would be the character I did care about, Lowell.

I was dying for the story to swell into a crescendo at the end, but for me it didn't. I wonder if it might be an idea to experiment with having dramatic scenes take place somewhere other than the hearing room every time. I felt like the drama kept going back there, again and again, but it was always just more of the same: Lowell pretending to have some other disease and being rude to his colleague. I feel like if you are going to keep going back to the hearing room, the drama has to go up a notch each time, or change and intensify in some way.

I might have liked to get more of a glimpse into Lowell's internal state and see him go on more of an emotional journey. He is so battle-hardened and quick to mask emotion with a quip of some kind that I didn't always feel that I had seen into Lowell's soul and found out what he was really feeling, about death (both his and his wife's), his political legacy and his impact on his son. I think a bit more emotional transparency at pivotal moments could really make his character sparkle.

To add to the praise of the first scene, I loved it. It is quite long but it flows so well and it's funny so I didn't care.

I found the restaurant scene starting pg 47 quite dull and it took me out of the story. There was the introduction of a new character to put a damper on it, little humour and long chunks of dialogue. I could have used a little something else to help keep the pace moving.

I liked the jokes regarding the "two flusher". What can I say? I like toilet humour!

Well done.

Hi, Georgia. Welcome to the boards and thanks for the read. All feedback is appreciated.

Quoted Text However, I was left feeling a bit flat at the end. This is probably due to the fact that I felt overall the story lacked some dynamics. Tess' stroke was a shock, but only in a surprising way, not in an emotionally jarring way because I didn't feel much for Tess and neither did I get a compelling sense of what a loss she would be the character I did care about, Lowell.

An interesting point. Tess' stroke was meant to be a derailment for Lowell - something that took him off the straight line to his objective. Not sure how to respond to you did not have a compelling sense of what a loss she would be to Lowell. She was his wife of 50 years - not sure what else I could add here.  

Quoted Text I wonder if it might be an idea to experiment with having dramatic scenes take place somewhere other than the hearing room every time. I felt like the drama kept going back there, again and again, but it was always just more of the same: Lowell pretending to have some other disease and being rude to his colleague. I feel like if you are going to keep going back to the hearing room, the drama has to go up a notch each time, or change and intensify in some way.

An interesting observation, Georgia. The shenanigans in the hearing room were a purposeful device - maybe I did go to the well too often. I'll take a serious look at that/

Quoted Text I might have liked to get more of a glimpse into Lowell's internal state and see him go on more of an emotional journey. He is so battle-hardened and quick to mask emotion with a quip of some kind that I didn't always feel that I had seen into Lowell's soul and found out what he was really feeling, about death (both his and his wife's), his political legacy and his impact on his son. I think a bit more emotional transparency at pivotal moments could really make his character sparkle.

Thanks for the observation - but I don't concur here - Lowell is a curmudgeon through and through - I can't run him into a softy and maintain his voice. i.e., as you said, he masks emotions - that is who he is.

Quoted Text To add to the praise of the first scene, I loved it. It is quite long but it flows so well and it's funny so I didn't care.

Thanks so much - I really get a wide range of opinions on the opening - some hate it - some love it.

Quoted Text I found the restaurant scene starting pg 47 quite dull and it took me out of the story. There was the introduction of a new character to put a damper on it, little humour and long chunks of dialogue. I could have used a little something else to help keep the pace moving.

Interesting that you would point this out (I think you are the first. It is easily my least favorite scene in the script and I have probably written a dozen versions of it and I am still dissatisfied. The elements are important for the story - but I do admit there is a problem with the execution. i.e., yes - I concur - this scene needs some re-working.

Quoted Text I liked the jokes regarding the "two flusher". What can I say? I like toilet humour! Well done.

Glad you enjoyed it and thanks for the notes - hit me up when you're done with your project - would be happy to take a look.

Quoted from eldave1 An interesting point. Tess' stroke was meant to be a derailment for Lowell - something that took him off the straight line to his objective. Not sure how to respond to you did not have a compelling sense of what a loss she would be to Lowell. She was his wife of 50 years - not sure what else I could add here.

Looking over the scenes with Tess again I would partially retract my criticism - there are some nice tender moments there, like the kiss on the forehead when Lowell is on the patio. I suppose my own life experience has made me quite cynical about husband/wife/partner relationships in the sense that I don't think it can be taken for granted that just because a couple has been married for 50 years that necessarily means they care very much for one another. I've known 30-40 year marriages where there was very little love or affection, held together by apathy and inertia. I belief that all relationships between characters must have work done to them to outwardly demonstrate their meaningfulness, but that's just my own personal philosophy. This could very well be done through the acting in these gentle, subtle moments, though, so I'm happy to back off

Quoted from eldave1 Interesting that you would point this out (I think you are the first. It is easily my least favorite scene in the script and I have probably written a dozen versions of it and I am still dissatisfied. The elements are important for the story - but I do admit there is a problem with the execution. i.e., yes - I concur - this scene needs some re-working.

It’s something of a cheap trick, but maybe a scene agitator here would inject a little more energy into a scene which, I agree with you, contains a lot of indispensable information for the plot. If you were willing to move the scene from a restaurant to maybe a seedy bar/dive (perhaps in an effort not to be seen by reporters etc.) You could try a drunk patron sitting nearby who repeatedly interrupts their serious discussion, some terrible karaoke singing in the background or an irritating whistling bartender. Or if you want to keep it in the restaurant they could be interrupted by having to sing happy birthday to someone at a neighbouring table (I hate it when you have to do that!!) or clap when a couple get engaged, maybe both. I’m reminded of that scene in When Harry Met Sally when two characters are talking about divorce at a ball game but they have to stand up and play along whenever the Mexican wave comes back around. It’s funny because the subject matter and the forced levity is so incongruous. Anyway, maybe it’s something you could experiment with, if only to discard the idea.

Quoted Text It’s something of a cheap trick, but maybe a scene agitator here would inject a little more energy into a scene which, I agree with you, contains a lot of indispensable information for the plot. If you were willing to move the scene from a restaurant to maybe a seedy bar/dive (perhaps in an effort not to be seen by reporters etc.) You could try a drunk patron sitting nearby who repeatedly interrupts their serious discussion, some terrible karaoke singing in the background or an irritating whistling bartender. Or if you want to keep it in the restaurant they could be interrupted by having to sing happy birthday to someone at a neighbouring table (I hate it when you have to do that!!) or clap when a couple get engaged, maybe both. I’m reminded of that scene in When Harry Met Sally when two characters are talking about divorce at a ball game but they have to stand up and play along whenever the Mexican wave comes back around. It’s funny because the subject matter and the forced levity is so incongruous. Anyway, maybe it’s something you could experiment with, if only to discard the idea.

Thanks for the suggestion - valuable stuff. I think I'm going to nuke the restaurant altogether - move the scene to McKinney's office - maybe have a reporter (or even Karen) take note of the fact that the big wig is in the building. Again - thanks

Quoted from eldave1 Thanks for the suggestion - valuable stuff. I think I'm going to nuke the restaurant altogether - move the scene to McKinney's office - maybe have a reporter (or even Karen) take note of the fact that the big wig is in the building. Again - thanks

No problem. If you do tweak the scene I'd be happy to give it a read.

Hi Dave,

Gave the first 10 a read.

I have a massive aversion to writing dialogue, I always tend to try and keep my scripts super lean when it comes to talking. The main reason is that I really struggle to make it believable and more importantly interesting.

Your first few pages are very dialogue heavy and action lean, and it doesn’t matter one bit.

It’s so natural and real, and you do well to give your characters their own voice, another thing I struggle with.

Had a few chuckles throughout.

Couldn’t spot any issues with the writing. Only thing I noticed was the character CONT'D's were still turned on. I imagine only because you may not have revisited this in a while, and are potentially done with rewrites.

Great work.

Quoted from Warren Hi Dave, Gave the first 10 a read. I have a massive aversion to writing dialogue, I always tend to try and keep my scripts super lean when it comes to talking. The main reason is that I really struggle to make it believable and more importantly interesting. Your first few pages are very dialogue heavy and action lean, and it doesn’t matter one bit. It’s so natural and real, and you do well to give your characters their own voice, another thing I struggle with. Had a few chuckles throughout. Couldn’t spot any issues with the writing. Only thing I noticed was the character CONT'D's were still turned on. I imagine only because you may not have revisited this in a while, and are potentially done with rewrites. Great work.

Thanks,  Warren.  That was actually the very first script I ever wrote so it has sentimental meaning to me. Ironically, after years of neglect,  I just completed a revision for the upcoming Page contest.  I'll have to get that posted here.

Dave,

Just finished it. Fantastic read. You are a great writer.

It’s your dialogue that stands out for me.

Daniel.

Quoted from DanielW Dave, Just finished it. Fantastic read. You are a great writer. It’s your dialogue that stands out for me. Daniel.

Thanks Daniel - very kind of you.

Hey Dave, I just finished this in preparation for Carson's critique.

I'll save most of my comments till later, but I'll just hint at one central thing I'm thinking, and that is that I came away feeling you should have shown the Jamie Flores part of the story more - at least to the audience, and perhaps as a more immediate catalyst to Lowell's actions.

Though it was an effective shock when Jamie's death is revealed early on, we see no actual depiction of the Vets' experience...

I think Lowell's mission on the back of his own life threatening illness could be stronger if he is reacting to an actual event he witnesses, rather than just moving to action following a nasty insult from a grieving mother. If you did this I think there'd also be more emotional investment from an audience.

Technically the script is spot on and I was impressed with how you seamlessly move from one scene to the next with nothing to pull me up. The humour is great, as are the characterisations. Clever, funny dialogue - everyone has a unique voice. Loved Lowell's political incorrectness - the 'problem with Karen's breasts.'  

I did think (from the logline) there'd be way more of Jason, specifically tensions and butting of heads between father and son... I didn't really get the sense Jason was in any doubt of winning the election, or that he was all that bothered by his father's antics.

Okay, I've said more than I was going to.

** Is this draft the latest? There are  still quite a few typos sprinkled throughout.

You're a terrific writer Dave, no doubt.  
Cross fingers the weekend leads to good things!

P.S. I notice (after reading comments) you've obviously made lots of changes to your original draft and the story has gone through quite a rewrite. Central focus was previously Witness Protection? The ending changed (Dustin's comments were on the money imh) - I'm glad you changed it. Lowell dying? Grim endings are not usually crowd pleasers. And the opening obviously changed too (Ren's feedback). Interesting the evolution of this story, though obviously I can't compare the original.

Quoted from LC Hey Dave, I just finished this in preparation for Carson's critique. I'll save most of my comments till later, but I'll just hint at one central thing I'm thinking, and that is that I came away feeling you should have shown the Jamie Flores part of the story more - at least to the audience, and perhaps as a more immediate catalyst to Lowell's actions. Though it was an effective shock when Jamie's death is revealed early on, we see no actual depiction of the Vets' experience... I think Lowell's mission on the back of his own life threatening illness could be stronger if he is reacting to an actual event he witnesses, rather than just moving to action following a nasty insult from a grieving mother. If you did this I think there'd also be more emotional investment from an audience. Technically the script is spot on and I was impressed with how you seamlessly move from one scene to the next with nothing to pull me up. The humour is great, as are the characterisations. Clever, funny dialogue - everyone has a unique voice. Loved Lowell's political incorrectness - the 'problem with Karen's breasts.'   I did think (from the logline) there'd be way more of Jason, specifically tensions and butting of heads between father and son... I didn't really get the sense Jason was in any doubt of winning the election, or that he was all that bothered by his father's antics. Okay, I've said more than I was going to. ** Is this draft the latest? There are  still quite a few typos sprinkled throughout. You're a terrific writer Dave, no doubt.   Cross fingers the weekend leads to good things! P.S. I notice (after reading comments) you've obviously made lots of changes to your original draft and the story has gone through quite a rewrite. Central focus was previously Witness Protection? The ending changed (Dustin's comments were on the money imh) - I'm glad you changed it. Lowell dying? Grim endings are not usually crowd pleasers. And the opening obviously changed too (Ren's feedback). Interesting the evolution of this story, though obviously I can't compare the original.

Libby, thanks for the read and the great notes. I think the points you raise our valid. I did have a scene where Lowell met Jaime on the streets. Skid Row to be exact. I cut it you do the length of the script. Maybe a mistake. Yes, several changes were made based on the great comments I got here. Thanks again

Hey Dave - I just noticed that 'The Last Statesman' is #4 on Coverfly's Top 20 for the month. There's continuing life for that statesman! Congrats!

Quoted from JEStaats Hey Dave - I just noticed that 'The Last Statesman' is #4 on Coverfly's Top 20 for the month. There's continuing life for that statesman! Congrats!

Thanks, mate - it was number one for awhile - finally got passed