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Sunday Will Never Be The Same by Thomas Louis Castiglione - Dramedy - Three girlfriends assist in helping one of the girls overcome her loss of her Marine fiancé in Vietnam. 127 pages
contest: Winner of best screenplay and best writer at the Christian Film festival in Newport News, Virginia. - pdf, format
Solid drama title, although I think that too "negative" sounding titles are outdated at the moment – just my opinion of course
Logline: While drama is there, you could add some more story characteristics.
Slow opening I must say.
"Maybe to a hippie, but he's proudly serving his country."
This is a bit simple.
"Don't you have hopes and dreams for your future?"
same
SUGGESTED MUSIC STARTS … – don't give us a soundtrack. Your job is to convince a reader through story. And when that little tiny task works out for you, then you might get a chance to suggest some music during the preproduction process; although then it's still not your department anyway.
Get rid of continued at page breaks.
P4 inconsistent slugline – stay with your original choice
is sitting – sits stay in active language
You don't need to mention San Francisco in each slugline. It's clear.
I don't like your general style of introducing characters; all those brackets and off-screen information within which we wouldn't have from what is actually on screen. Reconsider how to keep your text flowing.
Okay… I only read the first ten when I don't know if the writer is around.
This isn't bad. I think you know what you do with the characters and the dramatic situation is pretty clear by page ten which is an important accomlishment to me.
The writing I must say, although I'm an ESL speaker, could be delivered with some more love. There's too much: She comes, goes, walks…
You could give some stronger verbs in there to make it a varied reading experience. I'm also not so sure about some of the dialogues; for the reasons I addressed above. Some lines, better said their concepts behind, are too simple constructed. Maybe this is an early draft; I personally felt as it would; so there could go some work into that area.
Point is: I feel the drama and conflict, which, of course is the most important thing and a great achievement. The prose then, your overall execution, Imo, in such a concept, should mirror that in same manner. You want to move our hearts, play out big conflicts – then better write warm as well – know what I mean. It's not an action flick: A goes to B.
When it comes to the story so far, your material does work imo. Definitely. I just miss some style in your execution to make it a completely coherent piece in its entire expression.