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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Dramedy Scripts  ›  Intercepting Love
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  Author    Intercepting Love  (currently 173 views)
Don
Posted: July 16th, 2017, 7:31pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Intercepting Love by Robyn Brown-Postell - Dramedy - A celebrity athlete and a low-key blogger face obstacles to intercepting love.  96 pages - pdf, format

New writer interested in feedback on this work


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AlexW
Posted: August 20th, 2017, 4:11am Report to Moderator
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Hey Robyn.

Think you could tighten the writing up a bit. I'm never that concerned with orhans (lines at the end of a para with just one word). As long as the para is constructed well. But you have three orphans on your front page and all could be avoided without doubling up on information.

First para you say it's morning in the slug, then tell us it's a beautiful morning, then say sun streams in, which tells us it's a beautiful morning anyway, then you say the sun lands on Sophie's sleeping face, which could tell us it's morning without ever saying it before.

Should CAPITALIZE character intros too.

All these little nitpicks are enough to stop me reading further. A good edit will get you more reads.
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