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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Dramedy Scripts  ›  Only Fools & Horses
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  Author    Only Fools & Horses  (currently 279 views)
Don
Posted: October 6th, 2017, 10:30pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Only Fools & Horses - The Glue That Holds Us Together Spec Script by James Klonowski - Dramedy - Del Boy and Rodney are back. They might be much older, but they're not much wiser. Del has created a super powerful glue which he believes will make him a millionaire... if only he could get the bottles open. Meanwhile, Rodney is going through some problems at home with his teenage daughter, Joan. 60 pages - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



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-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky
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Dustin
Posted: October 7th, 2017, 3:37am Report to Moderator
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Wilhelm Steinitz

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I read the first half page... being a huge fan of Only Fools and Horses back in the 1980s, I wanted to see if you could pull this off. However, I only needed to read a few lines of dialogue from Delboy to see that it doesn't ring true.

[code]DEL.
Very well. What you doing up so
early anyway? It's only half past
six. We don't usually see you
before noon.[/quote]

It's the 'very well' part. I don't remember Del ever speaking like that.
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eldave1
Posted: October 7th, 2017, 10:55am Report to Moderator
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First page riddled with typos and format issues - of the writer is around I will add more detail.


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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JK2Write
Posted: October 9th, 2017, 11:28am Report to Moderator
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Hi,

Thanks for your reply. I appreciate that you instantly noticed Del wouldn't say the words "very well" and you're spot on. But the last episode was almost fifteen years ago, and Del would be a lot more mature now and I didn't want him to remain the exact same, so I added in phrases he would've picked up over the years from books and TV shows to sound more posh. Sorry if it wasn't subtle enough.
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JK2Write
Posted: October 9th, 2017, 11:28am Report to Moderator
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Hi,

Thanks for your reply. I'd like to know what the typos and formatting errors are please
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eldave1
Posted: October 9th, 2017, 11:44am Report to Moderator
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Okay, James:

- I would not bold and underline scene headings.

Quoted Text

INT. TROTTER'S FLAT. LOUNGE - MORNING


No period after FLAT. Should be:

INT. TROTTER'S FLAT - LOUNGE - MORNING


Quoted Text
The flat is filled with an array of their latest dodgy
deals. A stack of games consoles labelled rejects.


No need to repeat info in your description already in your heading (the Flat). e.g., The above should be:

Filled with an array of their latest dodgy
deals. A stack of games consoles labelled rejects.


Quoted Text
Laying on the sofa playing some ultra-violent video game is
DAMIEN. The volume is rather deafening.


Should be "Lying"

Also - if it were me (i.e., this is a style issue - nit a typo) I would write it - DAMIEN lies on the sofa.. rather than Damien is lying on the sofa

Also lose extra words that add little - don't need some - don't need rather


Quoted Text
DEL.
Gordon Bennett, Damien! I can't


Should not be a period after Del - problem throughout


Quoted Text
RAQUEL O.O.S.


O.S

Anyway - that was from page 1 - you may have similar issues throughout - I woulc check - hope these help.


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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JK2Write
Posted: October 9th, 2017, 12:22pm Report to Moderator
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I don't agree that they're typo and format issues. They're just different to different writers. Hope you enjoy it though  
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eldave1
Posted: October 9th, 2017, 12:53pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from JK2Write
I don't agree that they're typo and format issues. They're just different to different writers. Hope you enjoy it though  


Not reading on.

Best of luck.


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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Dustin
Posted: October 9th, 2017, 4:05pm Report to Moderator
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Wilhelm Steinitz

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Quoted from JK2Write
Hi,

Thanks for your reply. I appreciate that you instantly noticed Del wouldn't say the words "very well" and you're spot on. But the last episode was almost fifteen years ago, and Del would be a lot more mature now and I didn't want him to remain the exact same, so I added in phrases he would've picked up over the years from books and TV shows to sound more posh.


Del used over exaggerated phrases to sound posh. 'Very well' hardly has the same impact as Del trying to speak French and completely messing it up. If you're going to make changes they should be funny. I can see that you're overprotective of your work, that's fine, you worked hard to write this.

You really should heed the advice given, but I don't really care. Too many wannabe screenwriters anyway. The more that ignore constructive criticism the better.


Quoted Text

Sorry if it wasn't subtle enough.


You mean overly subtle... and you don't need to apologise. I honestly couldn't care less.
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JK2Write
Posted: October 9th, 2017, 6:15pm Report to Moderator
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I'm not overly protective of my work at all. I like criticism of its constructive. If you discussed the actual story, pace and quality then I'd listen. But all you've mentioned is two words a character spoke which didn't ring true. I'd like to read your script see what it's like
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Dustin
Posted: October 10th, 2017, 2:35am Report to Moderator
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Wilhelm Steinitz

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I only wanted to see if you could pull off writing a modern episode of Only Fools and Horses. You failed. The dialogue is off. Not just Del's but I don't believe your version of Raquel either. I'm not going to get to the other characters. According to your logline, nothing much has changed since the last series. Yet to me, it doesn't even seem like the same program. I'd turn it off after a minute's viewing.
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JK2Write
Posted: October 10th, 2017, 4:56am Report to Moderator
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I respect everyone's opinion. Have you written any Only Fools Scripts? I'd love to see how you've done it. I purposely changed the characters because Del is 70+ and Raquel is in her 60s, they would change. And remember, the last series of Only Fools was absolutely awful, it should've ended with the original trilogy.
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Dustin
Posted: October 10th, 2017, 7:24am Report to Moderator
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Wilhelm Steinitz

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I don't need to have written an Only Fools and Horses script to have an opinion on one. I wouldn't write an Only Fools and Horses episode because they're not my characters. I also didn't watch the last series as I couldn't get through the first episode. Much like with your effort. You should bin it and write something more worthwhile.
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JK2Write
Posted: October 10th, 2017, 9:10am Report to Moderator
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Well as I said I respect your advice, but I have gotten emails from Gold and BBC who are interested in possibly developing it, as is Jim Sullivan. So thanks, but I won't be binning it
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Dustin
Posted: October 10th, 2017, 10:31am Report to Moderator
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Wilhelm Steinitz

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Quoted from JK2Write
Well as I said I respect your advice, but I have gotten emails from Gold and BBC who are interested in possibly developing it, as is Jim Sullivan. So thanks, but I won't be binning it


In possibly developing it. Well, we'll see. The BBC are wont to throw money at some silly things at times. I certainly wouldn't be watching it. Not sure why Jim Sullivan would look at your script when he's a writer himself, and failed when trying to take on his dad's characters. You've failed too. Unfortunately, only one man could bring those characters to life and he is no longer with us.
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