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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Family Scripts  ›  Training Taylor Moderators: bert
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Don
Posted: March 26th, 2017, 2:47pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Training Taylor by April J. Miller - Family - An orphaned 12-year-old boy must create a new life in Montana with an uncle and aunt he's never known.  But ranches have lots of ways for a kid to get into trouble.  Together, they learn to understand each other and God's plan for their lives by training a Border Collie puppy named Taylor. 122 pages - pdf, format

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JimC
Posted: December 28th, 2017, 11:28am Report to Moderator
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This is a sweet story and I always appreciate the Christian theme.
1- 122 Pages is way too long.  
  A- Film is a visual medium not a literary medium.  Eliminate dialog where a visual scene would
  make the point.  Remember that each page of the script equals one minute of screen time.
  B- You are very repetitive with the various adventures of your young boy character.  One or two
  major incidents are better than many smaller ones.  Choose your scenes carefully.

2- The dialog is very formal.  A California boy of that age wouldn't be responding as formally as your character.  Make it sound more real.  Hint:  Record yourself reading the dialog and then play it back and listen to it.

3- The scene in the snow storm where he goes off on his own:  Make it more dramatic so that when he does find the lamb and the ewe the audience breathes a sigh of relief.

4- Try to get the screenplay down to 90 pages.

Make those changes and get back to me.;  I would like to talk with you regarding possible production.

Let me repeat, it's a sweet story.

Grace to you,
Jim Clark
bagpiperjim@gmail.com

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JimC
Posted: December 28th, 2017, 11:41am Report to Moderator
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Additional note:  Add some humor to the story.  Maybe a running joke along with situational humor.

Jim
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Bogey
Posted: December 28th, 2017, 1:40pm Report to Moderator
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Christian theme not my thing (bah, humbug), and the logline is all over the place (3 sentences isn't really a logline), so I'll offer a logline rewrite suggestion (keeping in mind I could be way off given that I haven’t read the script):

When an orphaned boy is uprooted from L.A. to Montana to be with relatives he's never known, their differences threaten to tear the family apart until a puppy they’re training begins to train them in the real meaning of life.
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