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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Family Scripts  ›  Christmasville (Was The Woodworker) Moderators: bert
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  Author    Christmasville (Was The Woodworker)  (currently 1031 views)
Don
Posted: February 28th, 2018, 5:52pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Christmasville by Steven Clark - Family - Having lost his zest for life after the death of his daughter, a newly unemployed father takes a magical journey to Christmasville, where he receives the greatest gift of all--a second chance. 95 pages - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



Let's carry this to: https://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?m-1542486375/


Visit SimplyScripts.com for what is new on the site.


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You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
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Don  -  November 17th, 2018, 3:26pm
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LC
Posted: February 28th, 2018, 7:07pm Report to Moderator
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Steven, I may not be popular saying it but... Your logline is a little bland and doesn't do justice to the script.

'four years removed' & 'newly unemployed'? It appears the drama (in the log) has been sucked out of the premise. Guy's been sacked days before Christmas and his daughter died tragically and he's still mourning her loss.

And: Bring back the previous title! Much more Christmas-y.

Btw,  for those who think I'm just doing a cursory critique of title and log, I've read and commented on this script in depth and there's a gem of a story here.

Just my humble opinion, of course.

* I'm up for a blog review of this if you and Don are cool with it?


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StevenClark
Posted: February 28th, 2018, 8:10pm Report to Moderator
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Libby,

Thanks for the kind words. I know you liked this, and while this is not radically different from the version you read, there have been a few minor scene additions. I added two pages, though I was actually trying to cut it by four.

Iíll think about the log and title. Another title I tossed around was ďChristmasville,Ē as that has officially become the name of the place Dale visits.

And Iím more than down with you reviewing this. That would be awesome!

And while Iím at it, I owe a huge thanks, of course, to Libby, Dave, James, Janet, Khamanna and Colkurtz - all of your notes were extremely helpful, and made it into the rewrite.

Steve



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StevenClark  -  March 2nd, 2018, 2:42pm
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Don
Posted: March 2nd, 2018, 2:22pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Quoted from LC

* I'm up for a blog review of this if you and Don are cool with it?


Always!  

- Don


Visit SimplyScripts.com for what is new on the site.


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LC
Posted: March 3rd, 2018, 8:09am Report to Moderator
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It's in the works, Don.


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colkurtz8
Posted: March 4th, 2018, 8:24am Report to Moderator
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Steve

Nice script you have here, man, lots of potential.

Best of luck with it.

Col.


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StevenClark
Posted: March 5th, 2018, 9:32pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks, Col. As you know, your notes were invaluable. Please do keep a look out for the review coming soon on SS ó thanks to Libby and Don. The new title Iíve settled on will be Christmasville, because apparently The Woodworker wasnít Christmasy enough for Libby!


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LC
Posted: March 5th, 2018, 11:43pm Report to Moderator
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Do you like to eat pie after a good movie?

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Ever heard of a little movie called The Woodsman starring Kevin Bacon? Okay, now forget that.

Anyway...

'Christmasville' has a lovely ring to it.


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StevenClark
Posted: March 6th, 2018, 12:32am Report to Moderator
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Seen it twice. Duly noted!


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colkurtz8
Posted: March 6th, 2018, 4:51am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from StevenClark
The new title Iíve settled on will be Christmasville, because apparently The Woodworker wasnít Christmasy enough for Libby!


- Also, I meant to say, "The Woodworker" evoked the Adam Sandler vehicle "The Cobbler" from a few years ago and no one wants that.


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StevenClark
Posted: March 6th, 2018, 10:17am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from colkurtz8


- Also, I meant to say, "The Woodworker" evoked the Adam Sandler vehicle "The Cobbler" from a few years ago and no one wants that.


Haha! Actually, I have the perfect comeback vehicle for Adam Sandler.


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Dustin
Posted: March 6th, 2018, 11:40am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from StevenClark


Haha! Actually, I have the perfect comeback vehicle for Adam Sandler.


He might be offended at the word 'comeback'. He is still working. If you want to edit that out I'll happily delete my post. You never know, you might work with him one day.
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StevenClark
Posted: March 7th, 2018, 8:12pm Report to Moderator
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I meant comeback in the respect that he hasnít had a big hit film in some time. I know he hasnít gone anywhere. Though I have a sneaking suspicion heís not checking my, or your, posts on this thread. If indeed he is then thatís something Iíll have to deal with when the time comes.


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GM
Posted: May 7th, 2018, 8:38pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Steven,

Finished this.

Spoilers!

Definitely a tear jerker (your right Steven, lol) especially at the end. Kind of like a twilight zone episode where he disappears and reappears. Kind of interested to see what if they found the body lol?

I havenÔŅĹt seen this but how about tackling the topic of technology vs. wooden toys? Maybe SantaÔŅĹs losing business due to technology? Granted, this is probably me so take this with a pinch of salt.

Maybe play with the structure? What if you start with him in christmsville and we find out along with him as to why heÔŅĹs there?

This is me spitballing. I didnÔŅĹt have any problem, just thinking lol.

Hope this helps
Gabe




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GM  -  May 9th, 2018, 1:27pm
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StevenClark
Posted: May 9th, 2018, 12:40pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from GM
Hey Steven,

Finished this.

Spoilers!

Definitely a knee jerker especially at the end. Kind of like a twilight zone episode where he disappears and reappears. Kind of interested to see what if they found the body lol?

I havenít seen this but how about tackling the topic of technology vs. wooden toys? Maybe Santaís losing business due to technology? Granted, this is probably me so take this with a pinch of salt.

Maybe play with the structure? What if you start with him in christmsville and we find out along with him as to why heís there?

This is me spitballing. I didnít have any problem, just thinking lol.

Hope this helps
Gabe


Thanks for reading, Gabe. Iím sure when you say ďknee jerkerĒ you really meant ďtear jerker.Ē At least thatís what I hope you meant. Nah, never thought of the wooden toy commercialism angle. I wanted to keep this as basic as possible, and Iíve finally admitted to myself this needs yet another rewrite in order to streamline this and get in a few important plot points and beats.

If I start off in Christmasville Iíll have to write the entire thing over! Haha. So thatís not gonna happen. I think it just needs a little simplifying. The story is already there. Thanks again, Gabe!

Steve


++++++++++++++++

New thread here: https://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?m-1542486375/



Revision History (1 edits)
Don  -  November 17th, 2018, 3:26pm
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