Christmasville by Steven Clark - Family - Having lost his zest for life after the death of his daughter, a newly unemployed father takes a magical journey to Christmasville, where he receives the greatest gift of all--a second chance. 95 pages - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work


Let's carry this to: https://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?m-1542486375/

Steven, I may not be popular saying it but... Your logline is a little bland and doesn't do justice to the script.

'four years removed' & 'newly unemployed'? It appears the drama (in the log) has been sucked out of the premise. Guy's been sacked days before Christmas and his daughter died tragically and he's still mourning her loss.

And: Bring back the previous title! Much more Christmas-y.

Btw,  for those who think I'm just doing a cursory critique of title and log, I've read and commented on this script in depth and there's a gem of a story here.

Just my humble opinion, of course.

* I'm up for a blog review of this if you and Don are cool with it?

Libby,

Thanks for the kind words. I know you liked this, and while this is not radically different from the version you read, there have been a few minor scene additions. I added two pages, though I was actually trying to cut it by four.

I’ll think about the log and title. Another title I tossed around was “Christmasville,” as that has officially become the name of the place Dale visits.

And I’m more than down with you reviewing this. That would be awesome!

And while I’m at it, I owe a huge thanks, of course, to Libby, Dave, James, Janet, Khamanna and Colkurtz - all of your notes were extremely helpful, and made it into the rewrite.

Steve

Quoted from LC * I'm up for a blog review of this if you and Don are cool with it?

Always!  

- Don

It's in the works, Don.

Steve

Nice script you have here, man, lots of potential.

Best of luck with it.

Col.

Thanks, Col. As you know, your notes were invaluable. Please do keep a look out for the review coming soon on SS — thanks to Libby and Don. The new title I’ve settled on will be Christmasville, because apparently The Woodworker wasn’t Christmasy enough for Libby!

Ever heard of a little movie called The Woodsman starring Kevin Bacon? Okay, now forget that.

Anyway...

'Christmasville' has a lovely ring to it.

Seen it twice. Duly noted!

Quoted from StevenClark The new title I’ve settled on will be Christmasville, because apparently The Woodworker wasn’t Christmasy enough for Libby!

- Also, I meant to say, "The Woodworker" evoked the Adam Sandler vehicle "The Cobbler" from a few years ago and no one wants that.

Quoted from colkurtz8 - Also, I meant to say, "The Woodworker" evoked the Adam Sandler vehicle "The Cobbler" from a few years ago and no one wants that.

Haha! Actually, I have the perfect comeback vehicle for Adam Sandler.

Quoted from StevenClark Haha! Actually, I have the perfect comeback vehicle for Adam Sandler.

He might be offended at the word 'comeback'. He is still working. If you want to edit that out I'll happily delete my post. You never know, you might work with him one day.

I meant comeback in the respect that he hasn’t had a big hit film in some time. I know he hasn’t gone anywhere. Though I have a sneaking suspicion he’s not checking my, or your, posts on this thread. If indeed he is then that’s something I’ll have to deal with when the time comes.

Hey Steven,

Finished this.

Spoilers!

Definitely a tear jerker (your right Steven, lol) especially at the end. Kind of like a twilight zone episode where he disappears and reappears. Kind of interested to see what if they found the body lol?

I haven�t seen this but how about tackling the topic of technology vs. wooden toys? Maybe Santa�s losing business due to technology? Granted, this is probably me so take this with a pinch of salt.

Maybe play with the structure? What if you start with him in christmsville and we find out along with him as to why he�s there?

This is me spitballing. I didn�t have any problem, just thinking lol.

Hope this helps
Gabe

Quoted from GM Hey Steven, Finished this. Spoilers! Definitely a knee jerker especially at the end. Kind of like a twilight zone episode where he disappears and reappears. Kind of interested to see what if they found the body lol? I haven’t seen this but how about tackling the topic of technology vs. wooden toys? Maybe Santa’s losing business due to technology? Granted, this is probably me so take this with a pinch of salt. Maybe play with the structure? What if you start with him in christmsville and we find out along with him as to why he’s there? This is me spitballing. I didn’t have any problem, just thinking lol. Hope this helps Gabe

Thanks for reading, Gabe. I’m sure when you say “knee jerker” you really meant “tear jerker.” At least that’s what I hope you meant. Nah, never thought of the wooden toy commercialism angle. I wanted to keep this as basic as possible, and I’ve finally admitted to myself this needs yet another rewrite in order to streamline this and get in a few important plot points and beats.

If I start off in Christmasville I’ll have to write the entire thing over! Haha. So that’s not gonna happen. I think it just needs a little simplifying. The story is already there. Thanks again, Gabe!

Steve


++++++++++++++++

New thread here: https://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?m-1542486375/