Visual. Noirish. The slant on the protagonist could be pumped up some more, such as giving us more depth about who he is, who he knows, what other people say about him.

The more we know about the character, the more options he has when faced with a dilemma like this. The edgier, the better in my book. I thought the story fizzled some without enough complications. The pipe thing seemed too contrived. A gun -- refer to previous notes -- (Glock?) -- would have been better. Not bad for a week's worth of writing, though.

Javier, I'd look at this, but you haven't even responded to anyone who read it so far. Unlike you IMO.

James

Frankly this was very confusing.  It's almost like a major soap opera done in 11 pages.

Perhaps if the script were fleshed out a lot more, it might have made more sense.

Really liked this one. Great job pacing. Something I need to practice on. Dialogue could be more authentic.
i.e. when main character asked what happened to lucy? He just had a flashback of her getting beat. did he find clues they took her somewhere?