It Gazes Back by Jon Barton (jonnyboy) - Short - A writer struggles with a dangerous obsession. Remember, He's always watching... - pdf, format

This was OK.  Well written for sure, but those damn V.O.'s!  WAY too many!

Real problem with V.O.'s are what's playing onscreen while they're going on?  In many cases in your script, absolutely nothing.  No visuals, no nothing.  This reads pretty well and I bet alot of people will like it, but in a filmed version, it's gonna be dull...real dull.

Great effort here and I think there is definitely a cool story in here, but it needs to be reworked and fleshed out a bit more...or alot more.

Good effort though!

Not sure what to make of this one.  It just seemed to be a lot of dialogue with no actual story behind it.  We keep hearing about "Him" and "it" but we never quite know what "Him" or "it" actually is, or if they even exist.  Until the very end, I guess, when the shadowhaunter is sorta revealed.  I think you should have defined the monster more, and cut out all the voice overs and flashbacks.  I think this could work if you put the characters in a more suspenseful setting and ratchet up the scares.  At it is, there was simply no tension built here as we already know Simon is dead at the beginning.

I think this could use some more punch, but on the whole I liked it.  

The VOs told a good story but there's definitely areas to cut back.  I was curious as to who exactly "He" and "It" were.  At the same time, but it's something that doesn't necessarily needs to be defined.  Simon said there's plenty of mysteries in the universe.  This is just one that the main characters can't.  Still, a little more explanation might have been nice.

Pretty good stuff here.

Greg

This has flaws, but it's a lot better than is being said IMO.

The VO becomes off-putting and in many ways it is unnecessary.

If you just followed Ben on his voyage of discovery and put the action on the screen, then that's all you would need.

You can start with the death of Simon and then Ben investigating it, getting drawn into the same world.

So yeah, it needs a bit of work, but nevertheless, the idea of death following us all around is very good and the noiry/Gothic atmosphere you create is very apt.

"It is a dark and stormy night???"  OMG.  Never open another script with that phrase haha.  Trust me.

This story leans far too heavy on the V.O.  Even those who do not mind the technique will be put off by this one.

But I will admit that you are on to something decent here.  It is not fully-formed, but it is clearly there.  Perhaps I am biased in that this treads on the outskirts of one of my own stories from a few years back.

Simon's fate, however, is terribly weak.  I do not buy it.  And whether or not to give it a formal name, the "shadowhaunter", is something I am really unsure about.

Nevertheless, the heart of this story is pretty good.  You should play with it a bit more -- reread the good advice you got from dec in the post above mine -- and given more time, see what comes of this.  B

I liked this one, but it needs a little work IMHO.

I agree that the suspense that this could have had is gone right away by you showing us on page 1 that Simon is dead.

I personally don't mind V.O. but you give Simon a V.O too in one place. That doesn't work. Rather than all of those, I would have preferred to just see Simon going increasingly insane and in the end take his own life to get away from the it/him. Maybe have Ben thinking Si is nuts and Si feeling desperation over no one believing him.

Good idea here, that needs some adjustments.  

This one has a higher level of creepiness then most of the scripts I've read so far. This was a bit more of what I was expecting from this OWC. I didn't get why the first lady's death was so mysterious. If death is always there in waiting why would he come out to take her?? Other then that, it was a good solid effort. James

This is probably the only one so far that gets to grip with 'the dark'.

I didn't have a prob with the VO but i felt the story just meandered along. Maybe the author was running out of time and had to rush.

The wrting and fromatting was pretty good. the actual story is there; it just needs a decent re-write to coax it out.

Not bad at all, I kinda liked it. The intercuts between scenes are clear and easy to follow. Suspense is there as well. The gradual change of Simon was well done.

But what's lacking is some explanation about the It. I didn't understand why Simon committed suicide at the end, did It make him do it?

Too the writer...

Other then that first passage your writing was tight.  I didn't have a problem with the VO's.  Ben and Simon's phone conversation, to be honest, you've already establised this fact.  I'd lose the (INTO PHONE), we know that.  You never did anyhting different to make us think other wise.

Your ending was okay.  I thought you met the theme with this one.

Good Job

Ghostwriter

This was a good piece of work.  I almost missed it.   Personally I love VO's, so I had no problem with that part.  I would've liked more clarification as to who the Shadowhaunter was. (Not so crazy about the name either)  If you're gonna create a villian like this, take it a step further and develop a brief backstory and origin.  Just a suggestion.  But this could definitely be a cool Machinima.

PS - I just read Coding already covered the "who is the It"?. I guess I'm just echoing what he said.

Nice work.

Definitely too much VO here for my liking. I would rather SEE the actual story unfold firsthand than be told about it after it has already occurred.

I think you should have settled on the use of either It or Him and stuck with that, rather than interchanging the two. Ultimately we are left with no info about this Shadowhunter, is it suppoed to be death?

I thought your writing was crisp and moved at a good pace, but the story needs a bit more work IMO.

Cheers,
Tim.

This one not only used the dark, but I made the dark the antagonist. It's one of those ideas that's so simple, and yet very effective. That's what worked. You worked it into the fabric and really made the shadow a part of the story. I think this short could work as a sort of calling card sort of work. But...

Along with that is that it feels like a piece of something. Much like the original Saw short containing only the bathroom scene felt like it belonged as a part of something else, this thing feels like a teaser for a bigger story. I suspect that placing this situation in a feature might take away some of its mystique since you'd have to find a resolution where your short was allowed to end on an open note.

I'm writing this quite detached from the thread at the moment, so I haven't seen the popular opinion of the heady-duty use of voiceover, but since people make issues of such things, I thought I'd say that with the space provided, it was about the only way to get the story across. To get all that VO into action and dialogue would require a whole lot of space. It seems that if this were explanded into a feature, that VO would make up the majority of the page count.

Anyway, well done on this one. I liked it.

Okay, this one just moved into my top three...

As George said, in this one the dark is the antagonist, so really good choice on theme, and it fits the contest more than any other one I've read so far.

SPOILERS (are there people who are still going to read it at this late date, I wonder?)

And I love the way the story is told - it's bold to start with the dead body. And I disagree that there's no tension, because we want to see "how" Simon got dead, not "if" he gets dead. Again, too many of these shorts run crash bang to the ending, and then if the ending is unsatisfying, you have (i) a rushed journey and (ii) a disappointing payoff.

The only thing that confused me was the male voice V.O. at the beginning? Who was that?

With the combination of the writing style (very good) and theme, this one seems a can't miss for machinima.

It reminded me of a short that I wrote. I didn't believe in Simon would do what he did at the end. The VO's was a hit and miss at times. Like Bert suggested, prob after the OWC, develop it more.

To begin with, writers as protagonists are lame subjects. The use of the dark was cliched IMO.

Points for no typos and format.

Too vignettey and not enough punch, as one reviewer noted.

Jon,

It's difficult to know where to start with my thoughts. On the one hand, I liked it. I like how you tapped into Simon filling a void in his life, trying to give some meaning to his perceived empty exsistence, and that taps into the conspiracy theories that permeate the lives of many. Similar territory was explored with 'Consipracy Theory' with Mel Gibson. You then brought in the element that this may be very real with the end. However, while I like that you brought the paranoia may be validated angle, it did feel like you did it a little heavy-handed. I agree with bert's opinion that you need not name the creature, as well.

All that said, as the story progressed, I went from thinking this could be really good, to a little underwhelmed. It's nothing to do with your writing abilities - no problems there - but more so with the fact very little happens. Essentially it's Simon's friend voicing over his breakdown, but the meat is how and why he fell into this territory. For me, it felt like it's owing to his failure to be 'someone' in life, but we need to know why to buy into that motivation, which would, of course, unlikely be known to him.

The V.O. didn't bother me too much, and I agree it was the most economical way to tell this story with the page restrictions. I suspect it was a problem for some 'cos it wasn't Simon's friend's story, and was essentially a narration with no suspense attached to events, 'cos we know he's dead - thus, there was no 'goal' but, rather, a mere retelling.

Overall, I thought you had something here, but you need to suss out what foundations will allow you to build a better story from a good concept.

Andrew

You all gazed at my script...now I'm gazing back at you.

Thanks to everyone for reading! Real mixed responses to this one, although overall I'd say they were more good than bad. Generally good with common reservations, let's say. To be honest, I was starting to wonder if I'd missed what I was trying to achieve with it until I read some of the later reviews. George and Anthony's responses in particular showed me that while this might not work for everyone, at least I managed to vaguely get my ideas and intentions across. Which is what we're always trying to do, right?

I'm going to copy a couple of other people and explain what I was trying to do with this script, where it came from etc. Then I'll address a few specific points you guys raised.

As soon as I saw that there was a chance of Moviestorm production for the selectees of this challenge, that was my only focus. I didn't know the technology's capabilities, but I read and re-read the posts on that original thread, watched some Moviestorm clips and just trusted to common sense. I reckoned that keeping it simple would be vital, but also knew that I needed to strike a balance where I didn't do anything too complicated but didn't just not do ANYTHING. I seem to have walked that tightrope pretty riskily, and for some of you I fell off into the side of boredom. Watching the concept reel, the moment that stuck with me was the zoom in to the pair of eyes in the dark - I knew I wanted include a moment like that. My working title was, in fact, Eyes in the Dark; I changed it pretty early on, which was just as well given that another entry had that exact one!

The other thing I really tried to get to grips with was the idea of 'the dark', As I posted in the original thread for this OWC, as soon as I saw the theme I started to think along the lines of Stephen King, one of the masters of the short story form. I don't know if anyone's read my short Last Rung on the Ladder, which was an adaptation of one of his stories; if you did, you might notice similarities between that and this script. Thematic and emotional similarities, mind - this isn't plagiarism! Except for the bed scene at the end, but then I added that into Last Rung. I wanted a concept that both explored the darkness of the mind but also explored physical darkness, which the concept reel convinced me had to play a part in the story.

I've had this idea knocking around in my head for a while now about a story where someone discovers that babies always cry because they can see something we adults can't see, sort of the opposite to the Spectres in Phillip Pullman's His Dark Materials. I also have an interest in conspiracy theories - not the theories themselves, but the passion with which people will believe the most unlikely things, and the determination with which they try to prove that they're right. Add in the general feeling of regret and difficulty (perhaps impossibility) of total, satisfying resolution which seems to be present in all my stories and you get this script. My original idea was about a group of young doctors who deliberately give each other NDEs - near death experiences - in order to face their fear of death, and in their experiences they start to encounter this figure who slowly enters their real world. I wasn't sure if I could do some of it within the technological constraints, however, so I tweaked the idea to what you see here. I knew the first and last images before I started writing; overall, I'm pretty happy with what I came up with.

A few specific points now:

- I knew the V.O. would bother some people. There is definitely a lot of it, but if you watch Moviestorm videos then there often tends to not be a lot of movement onscreen; often the camera does most of the work. The figures' ability to 'act' isn't massive, so most of the performance seems to come from the voice. What I wanted was to try and write a good part for an actor, give him some lines that, if delivered right, could really help the tone of the piece. It wouldn't necessarily be boring onscreen - the director could create whatever visuals he wanted - but I wanted a voice to carry the story, since that seems to work well in Moviestorm, wheras actual dialogue can sometimes be slightly more awkward. It was also, as George and Andrew said, the best way of getting the story across in the space provided. I didn't want to rush through Simon's descent; Ben's inability to help his friend was just as important to me.

- I always wanted to start with the dead body. I was surprised nobody commented on the music box slowly winding down to a halt in the opening scene; I thought that was a really cool touch. In a way it's a good thing, because I wondered if it would be tricky to animate a spinning figure on top of the box; if it didn't stand out for anyone, then it can go! I think Anthony got it right - the point was to find out WHY Simon died, what drove him to it. Too often with shorts people guess what's supposed to be a concealed ending, and that affects their enjoyment of the script when they're reading it. I wanted to give you the ending first, and then guide you to how you got there. Again, similarities with Last Rung.

- I don't actually agree that more explanation about the Shadowhaunter was needed here. To me, nothing is as scary or as powerful as your own imagination; the best films never show you the monster right away, but keep it hidden for as long as possible. Yes, the creature is real, but he's also more than that; he's unknowable. He watches us into the world. and waits to take us back out. He's not a villain per se, because there's no defeating him; he will always win the end. He's just a fact of life. Also, since the first line tells you that Simon gave Him a name, I thought it would just seem unfair not to reveal that name, although by holding it back to the end of the script I did tie myself in knots about 'Him' and 'It'. It might not be the best, more original name...but then maybe Simon wasn't that good a writer!

- I had to go back and re-read the coffee shop scene in order to remind myself exactly what I said about Liana Ames' demise (by the way, really obscure and sad reference: both Liana Ames and Danny Hayes, the two cases Simon investigates, are names of characters in a Twilight Zone called 'The Shadow Man'). I don't think the Shadowhaunter came to 'take' her. I may need to add a line to make this clearer, but in my mind this is what happened: when we're adults, most of us learn to ignore the Shadowhaunter (although maybe the mentally ill or clinically depressed still feel his presence). But if you start to look for Him, if you want to see him...then there He'll be. Trouble is, learning to un-ignore him is a one-way process, like opening the box in Hellraiser or unleashing the Candyman...you brought it upon yourself, but it can't be undone. Maybe, like Simon, Liana eventually cracked and tried to challenge the monster. Maybe she managed to actually attack it, and its retaliation was what killed her. I don't know. I wanted there to be a mystery about her death that would lead Simon down the rabbit hole, and to his own, similar fate. Was Simon's fate weak? Possibly. But then, maybe he was a weak character. The Shadowhaunter had seized control of his life, remember; at least way Simon took the control back, even if it was just at the end. There's a quote by a Latin writer, Publilius Syrus, that says, "the fear of death is more to be dreaded than death itself." If you like, the Shadowhaunter is the physical embodiment of that fear, and by the end, I think Simon just wanted it to be over. As I said earlier, what would happen if you realised the monster you were trying to defeat was entirely undefeatable?

- The MALE VOICE (O.S.) at the beginning was Ben. He said he was coming over to Simon's...he just didn't make it in time.

Right, nearly done waffling now. Like I say, I'm actually quite pleased with what I managed to do with 8 pages...I think it respected but wasn't controlled by the technological limitations, and I really tried hard to make the general tone of the piece fit the theme. I do agree, however, that there's more I could do with this basic concept. I will be looking to expand this, but not as a script.

I'm doing a prose creative writing module at the moment and it's made me realise that I sort of miss writing that kind of fiction; I wanted to be a novelist long before I wanted to be a screenwriter. So, what I'm thinking of at least exploring is turning this into a full-length, Stephen King-like novel, also called It Gazes Back. It would start with Ben returning to his childhood town for Simon's funeral. Then, as Dec suggests, Ben would look into the circumstances surrouding his friend's death, and slowly he'd find himself drawn down the same path. It could be good, I think - I have this idea of Ben gouging out his own eyes in the final scene in an attempt to free himself from the gaze of the Shadowhaunter. So yeah, this is really just a first pass at a longer story; but it'd be a 300-400 page novel, rather than an 8 page script. I haven't written a novel for about three years, and I'm enjoying screenwriting at the moment, but we'll see. As a script, I think this is pretty much complete.

Thanks to everyone who read this, and I'll shut up now. There were some fine entries in this OWC - well done to all who entered, and good luck to everyone still in the running. Just remember, one day you'll see Him too...



EDIT: If anyone's still reading, this is the piece I kept listening to as I wrote the script; really helped me stay in the right frame of mind. The music-box was probably my favourite detail, although as I say, if no-one noticed it, it doesn't need to be there!

congrats!

Just read it. I liked it, can't say I loved it though - it's a character study, seeing a mind deteriorate into insanity is not for everyone, I think, and certainly not for me. Maybe if a little more action was involved... but curious to see it done, some are better be watched than read, I think. I'm pretty sure this is one of those.

Jonyboy,

Good job with this one. We could piss about VOs, It or Him, the dark and stormy night, but I won't . I liked the way the abyss gazed back in this one. Well done.

Gary

Jon

I wanted a quick read and that's exactly what this served up. Nice, creepy short you have here, a real breeze to get through. Good, tight descriptions, believable dialogue with a genuinely scary, foreboding concept.

The V.O didn't bother me as it was well written and served the story, giving us enough back-story without dragging the thing out. A perfectly viable device to use for this type of story, in my opinion. The poor ole' V.O getting the bad rap as usual.

Good job

Col.

Khamanna, Gary, Col - thanks for taking a look. I really enjoyed this OWC and the way it turned out. I also can't wait to see what Michael does with it...I have no doubt it'll be excellent, and hopefully that last moment will be a proper bone-chiller.

I've uploaded (and Don has posted, in his usual fantastically quick fashion) a slight rewrite, based on Michael's notes. No major changes, really just an extension of Simon's final scene. Again, I really appreciate the reads - keep an eye out for the finished product!

I took your advice and started with your story and watched the film.  Being from California, the movie sounded different on screen to me than what I read in my minds eye.  The accents came across much stronger than what I imagined.  

The heavy use of V.O.'s, which I know you've been criticized for overusing, are completely understandable based on the video format.  I also believe the shying away from V.O. today is nothing more than a fashion trend, just like flashbacks.  If used properly, they can be very effective.  In your case, I really liked the narration of the story.