Talk about what you are writing. Anything you are struggling with? We are all here to help one another.

~Zack~

My story follows Patrick Bateman after the events of American Psycho. He tells his buddies from Pierce & Pierce about his new diet, and offers to cook for them.

I wanted to really nail Patrick's voice, since it's pretty unique, and I think I did a good job. I'm eagerly awaiting feedback.

I gave mine the once over yesterday. Trimmed it to 15 pages exact, ran my spellcheck, tightened dialogue a little.

For an idea I've had for awhile I'm pretty pleased. My story is very much in line with the 80's horror movies I used to watch as a kid, Jason, Freddy, Myers etc. I'm just worried it might be too cliche. But then again, what horror film isn't drowning in them? It's all about execution.

I must say, for a genre I really dislike, (horror movies do little for me) it was quite fun to write.

Quoted from CameronD I gave mine the once over yesterday. Trimmed it to 15 pages exact, ran my spellcheck, tightened dialogue a little. For an idea I've had for awhile I'm pretty pleased. My story is very much in line with the 80's horror movies I used to watch as a kid, Jason, Freddy, Myers etc. I'm just worried it might be too cliche. But then again, what horror film isn't drowning in them? It's all about execution. I must say, for a genre I really dislike, (horror movies do little for me) it was quite fun to write.

I grew up watching horror, still watch a ton of it, but never wanted to write in the genre for whatever reason. Even though I took from an existing universe, it was still fun to write a couple of gross scenes.

Quoted from CameronD For an idea I've had for awhile I'm pretty pleased. My story is very much in line with the 80's horror movies I used to watch as a kid, Jason, Freddy, Myers etc.

Right up my alley.  

~Zack~

I've written an entire page but I don't like it ;-(

I'm a little short of time as I'm writing a feature for hire, but will have some time on a train tomorrow, so we will see if anything happens...

I do like my idea, just struggling to find my way into it!

What don't you like about it?

~Zack~

Doesn't look like I'm going to be entering, after all.  My pisser classic needs too much time and research to get it all right, and I doubt anyone will really appreciate it anyways.

If I was going to go for an actual script, it would have most likely just been the opening scene to something I never started, other than basically completely writing it in my head many years ago - as in, not a single word ever made it to the page, even though I spent a ton of time researching and pre-writing.

I'll read and review, though.

Sorry, guys.

The opening scene is too bland... needs a stronger hook...

Quoted from Steven My story follows Patrick Bateman after the events of American Psycho. He tells his buddies from Pierce & Pierce about his new diet, and offers to cook for them. I wanted to really nail Patrick's voice, since it's pretty unique, and I think I did a good job. I'm eagerly awaiting feedback.

I hope that you keep in mind to write it from the perspective that someone isn't familiar with the story/characters etc.

That's a sure-fire way to lose an audience.

Dan

I'm a child of the 80s too.  Hey, how old are you guys?  I am 51.  So, the 80s were my heyday.

Actually, the idea for this short, and the feature was born out of one of those stories.  

If you guys who are too young or  don't know, there was a plethora of copycat stories in the 80s.  You have a hit with the Howling, suddenly, you have 10 other werewolf stories.  Same with Vampires and Zombies.

I got bored with the "Oh my God, how do we kill a vampire/werewolf/zombie" line.  We all know those rules (only if the zombie can be killed, some, like in Return of the Living Dead, were basically immortal).  So, I had an idea.  Write a story about a supernatural creature not often showed on TV.  

I also was heavily into Dungeons and Dragons.  I just loved that game.  And, if I ever sell anything, it will be due to that game.  I first got interested in writing because I was forced into being the DM (creator of the adventure).  

So, I knew of the Rakshasa.  I had used it in an adventure to great success.  They are awesome villains.  

You know, I wish I had read some comments to my problem before I wrote the story.  I love the idea of having a prelude to the movie.  15 min to show what happens that leads everyone to where it ends.  I would have focused in on the terror that small community had in dealing with it.  And how that ends is where the movie would pick up.  If this bombs, I might consider altering the story to that concept.

The feature-length has a lot more paranoia in it.

For those who don't know, a Rakshasa is a supernatural creature that dines on human flesh.  It can consume an adult body in mere seconds.  But, that isn't the worst part.  The worst part is the powers it possesses.

I had this great line about human fingers being much tastier than chicken fingers, but, I had to cut it.  Pity.

It can read minds.  It can use magic.  It can morph into any shape it wants to.  So, a favorite tactic of it this:

It sees you walking down the street, alone.  It reads your mind, finds out that you are really close friends with Brad.  It shape changes into Brad, but, only as far as you "know" Brad's physical characteristics.  In other words, if you think Brad is right-handed, but he's left-handed, unless the creature has consumed or seen Brad, it won't know what hand Brad is, see that you see Brad as right-handed, instead of his true left-handedness, and it will use its right hand when it is disguised as Brad.  I use that in the movie version.  

So, it approaches you as Brad, can talk to you, knowing what you know, it can "guess" to Brad's responses, get you to relax, go someplace private (for a conversation) and BAM! it kills you.  

It's got superhuman strength, reflexes, speed, oh, and its fangs and claws have a poison that is quite painful and fatal.  

And I forgot the best part.

Ask like the 2 thugs in Tangled.

"What's the best part?"

It only can be killed in ONE WAY.  Although it does recoil to any religious object, it only has one weakness.  Oh, I'm not giving that up.

Oh, and I forgot one other thing.  Anyone know what Enmity is?  I always found the concept of immortal beings that hate each other so much that it rises from the level of hatred to that of pure enmity.  And the Rakshasa had declared enmity on Fred, the story's protag.  

So, in the words of Kolchak, the Night Stalker, if you see an old friend you haven't seen for ages, is it really your old friend?

Sleep tight, kiddies.

Dan

Sounds great Dan. I've heard of that creature before and it sounds very creepy. Can't wait to see what you do with it. And I could see how paranoia could play a big part in your story.

BTW I was born in 89, so I guess that makes me a 90's child. Still prefer 80's movies and music though!

~Zack~

Quoted from Zack Sounds great Dan. I've heard of that creature before and it sounds very creepy. Can't wait to see what you do with it. And I could see how paranoia could play a big part in your story. BTW I was born in 89, so I guess that makes me a 90's child. Still prefer 80's movies and music though! ~Zack~

That's cool Zack.  What are some of your fav movies and music from the 80s?  And I agree, the 80s were much better than the 90s.  

Thanks for the kind words.  Hopefully, you like what I did with the story.

If it does bomb out here, would I be permitted in the rewrite to do what a few had suggested, have a prelude?  Or do I have to stick with the current version?

Dan

I love the early Friday the 13th films, The Prowler, The Thing, Hell Night, Predator, the list goes on and on. As for music, I love me some Motley Crue and Dio.

And yes, you can rewrite your script all you would like.

~Zack~

That is a good idea to use a Rakshasa. I'm vaguely familiar with it. Aren't they kinda lion or tiger faced?

Quoted from CameronD That is a good idea to use a Rakshasa. I'm vaguely familiar with it. Aren't they kinda lion or tiger faced?

Yes, they are.  If you google it, you will probably see the classic D&D image as well as some other newer ones.  

I think they are supposed to be "tiger" based bipedal creatures, hence why they have claws and fangs.  Truly impressive creatures.  I can see why the Hindu people really feared them.  

And I first saw the creature in that Kolchak, the Night Stalker episode.  I didn't know what it was at the time, but, as a kid, I was blown away.  

Up until that point, I had never truly been scared, that is until I saw 2 movies that really scared me, and to this day, I still find hard to watch.

They aren't gory or anything, just the subject matter.  Steven King's "Salem's Lot" really made a vampire scary.  Seeing the Glick boy sit up in the coffin kinda blew my mind (again, I was a kid).

But, the movie that did it, scared the crap out of me was the third film of the Karen Black trilogy:  Trilogy of Terror.  The first 2 segments are nothing.  But, that last one, OMG, that blew my mind.  That voodoo doll that comes to life and stalks her around the house was crazy.

But, the ending was what got me.  For those who haven't seen it, it's probably on youtube or something, she grabs it, throws it in the oven, and she opens the oven, then the screen goes to black.  

It comes back on and she's talking to her mom and telling her to stop over.  The last scene has her sitting on the floor with a huge butcher's knife, banging it on the floor.  She looks at the camera and has the same eyes the doll had, smiles to reveal sharp pointed teeth, like the voodoo doll.  The spirit had entered her body.

They did a sequel years later that was really only a remake.  I know that those 2 movies, along with Die Monster Die, and Night of the living Dead are considered some of the scariest movies ever.

Dan

Quoted from DanC I hope that you keep in mind to write it from the perspective that someone isn't familiar with the story/characters etc. That's a sure-fire way to lose an audience. Dan

You don't need to know the characters the way I've written it. I open at a dining room table in a nice apartment, which is pretty detailed. From there I go to his office and introduce his three buddies, then back to his apartment.

There is a mention of Paul Allen (Jared Leto's character) and Patrick's lawyer he confesses to at the end of American Psycho, but nothing takes you out of this story. It's pretty self-contained.

By the way, I'm about to be 33. I grew up watching horror at an age that really wasn't appropriate. My first memory was my mom taking me to Child's Play 3 in the theater. I was like 6 or 7 I think. After that it was Toxic Avenger when it was on TV for some damn reason.

The best experiences was watching Scream in theaters with my dad when I was 12. He walked out. Then he took me to Event Horizon, and finally The Exorcist when it was back in theaters in 99. That was some scary shit.

I liked Jason and Freddy but I didn't grow up with them.

I'm probably out. I've barely had a free moment this past week and haven't written a single word yet. Probably should've thought twice about announcing my participation in the first place.

I have a basic plot, but it's based on a lot of minutia that will take time to get right on paper (as usual with shorts, I've overcomplicated things). I would try to crank something out this evening, but I'm reticent to post something I know will be shitty just for the sake of participating, especially if I have to rush to do it. I'd still like to write something based on the idea if I can, just probably won't be ready by tonight.

Damnit! I just noticed in the pdf I submitted there is a double word, side by side.

Quoted from Steven The best experiences was watching Scream in theaters with my dad when I was 12. He walked out. Then he took me to Event Horizon, and finally The Exorcist when it was back in theaters in 99. That was some scary shit. I liked Jason and Freddy but I didn't grow up with them.

I worked at a movie theater when Event Horizon came out in high school and I have never seen so many people walk out of a movie at once. It was notorious the first week it was out that a handful of people would walk out and demand refunds. Either they had no idea what it was about or it was more than they could handle.

Also, our projections who built the films would screen every new release Thursday night (Friday morning technically) to make sure it was a good print. Even HE had to leave the film cause it was too much for him. That movie was crazy.

Actually one of my horror favs.

Quoted from CameronD I worked at a movie theater when Event Horizon came out in high school and I have never seen so many people walk out of a movie at once. It was notorious the first week it was out that a handful of people would walk out and demand refunds. Either they had no idea what it was about or it was more than they could handle. Also, our projections who built the films would screen every new release Thursday night (Friday morning technically) to make sure it was a good print. Even HE had to leave the film cause it was too much for him. That movie was crazy. Actually one of my horror favs.

I hope you've seen the "newly found" extended footage from the notorious Hell scene. That shit was so jarring on the big screen it's not even funny.

The ONLY thing I don't like is Fishbourne and his over-acting.

Quoted from Steven I hope you've seen the "newly found" extended footage from the notorious Hell scene.

Has it been discovered? If so, where can I see it?

~Zack~

Quoted from Zack Has it been discovered? If so, where can I see it? ~Zack~

http://www.dreadcentral.com/news/47106/take-a-look-at-the-event-horizon-you-didn-t-see/

I just get a bunch of broken images.

~Zack~

Quoted from Zack I just get a bunch of broken images. ~Zack~

Really? I can see everything fine. I'm on a PC.

http://io9.gizmodo.com/new-images-suggest-event-horizon-could-have-been-awesom-1161668923

http://www.quietearth.us/articles/2013/08/New-Images-Suggest-EVENT-HORIZON-Could-Have-Been-Awesome

As far as I can tell all of those images are in the original cut, just as quick flashes. I watch this movie a couple of times a year.

~Zack~

Here, this is the good stuff.

http://lostmediaarchive.wikia.com/wiki/Event_Horizon_(Unreleased_130_Minute_Cut)

My monster-in-chief idea was half-baked, and it was the only thing I could think of for a monster. So I passed on it and chose to do cannibal instead.

Some things that came to mind while I was writing, and therefore influenced it, included:

*The "Nasty Patty" episode of Spongebob. A health inspector comes into the Krusty Krab. Everything goes smoothly until a newsflash: A man has been posing as a health inspector in order to eat for free. So Mr. Krabs and Spongebob cook up a "Nasty Patty" to give the phony. A fly gets stuck in the guy's throat.

Another newsflash: The phony has been caught. "If a health inspector comes into your restaurant, and he's not this guy... he's real."

The health inspector passes out. Spongebob and Mr. Krabs think that the patty killed him, so they go to great lengths to dispose of the body. A fresh twist on The Tell-Tale Heart, and a masterclass in suspense and black comedy.

*The Good Burger sketch with Sherman Hemsley as "food cricket" Mr. Gorman. I thought about doing a health inspector, but this sketch convinced me to go with a good critic, since it's easier to do in a short deadline. I would have been too busy to research the entire health code.

*The Good Burger movie.

*The Stepford Wives. Hell, the restaurant is called Stepford's. This is the tone I was going for: Everything seems perfect... too perfect.

Halloween III: Season of the Witch. The climax and ending especially.

They Live. All employees wear sunglasses.

Basically, the idea was that the restaurant replaces critics, naysayers, and investigators with clones that are designed to never speak ill of Stepford's. The employees are brainwashed by the sunglasses.

It is unclear whether regular patrons are clones, brainwashed by the food, or simply don't realize what they're eating (The Accidental Cannibal). That being said, the like-minded folks all have the same creepy smile.

NSFW!!!!!

God, how would you write that as a screenwriter?

Everywhere maggots, blood, human tissue and medical instruments are strewn across the ship's deck. Among the bloody debris, quick flashes of the mutilated and naked crew as they are impaled, disemboweled, or simply have their eye sockets fucked out in an orgy of death, violence and hellish sex.  

Quoted from CameronD NSFW!!!!! God, how would you write that as a screenwriter? Everywhere maggots, blood, human tissue and medical instruments are strewn across the ship's deck. Among the bloody debris, quick flashes of the mutilated and naked crew as they are impaled, disemboweled, or simply have their eye sockets fucked out in an orgy of death, violence and hellish sex.

Can someone tell me what NSFW means?  I am a dinosaur when it comes to stuff like that.

I gotta admit that I don't recall Event Horizon.  I also can't believe that many walked out.  I would have thought that more would have walked out on movies like Return of the Living Dead because it was so over the top (I enjoyed it even though I was grossed out).  

Other movies back then were Madman, Pieces, Green Room.  I know all of them garnered a lot of controversy.  Or those poor folks seeing Human Centipede.

Dan

Quoted from DanC Can someone tell me what NSFW means?  I am a dinosaur when it comes to stuff like that. Dan

Not Safe For Work. This is stuff like porn, strong language, masturbation, disturbing violence, cannibalism, etc. Anything of an explicit or transgressive nature. Something that your boss could fire you for looking at on the job.

Think it's Not Suitable for Work.

Quoted from DanC Can someone tell me what NSFW means?  I am a dinosaur when it comes to stuff like that. I gotta admit that I don't recall Event Horizon.  I also can't believe that many walked out.  I would have thought that more would have walked out on movies like Return of the Living Dead because it was so over the top (I enjoyed it even though I was grossed out).   Other movies back then were Madman, Pieces, Green Room.  I know all of them garnered a lot of controversy.  Or those poor folks seeing Human Centipede. Dan

The trailer for the movie portrayed a sci-fi/action movie, but there were scenes of very grotesque violence and quick flashes of unimaginable torture scenes. Even to this day, you don't see stuff like this in main stream movies.

And when I said something about my dad walking out, that was for Scream, when Drew Berrymore was hung from the tree 15 minutes in.

Man, I am so far behind on this.  It will take a miracle to finish.  In case I don't get one submitted, I'll still read and review others.

I apologize in advance for my genre stretching here.

I hate when I read over what I've written so many times that I notice I left off a letter of a word. Not a letter that would cause the word to be misspelled, but something like "you" when I meant "your."

Oh well, I'll just have to go along with it for this submission.

I've now written 3 versions of my opening and don't like any of them... if I don't submit then I'll read and comment on everyone's anyway.

Ugh...signed, sealed and delivered. Fire away!

You had me fooled for a minute. The countdown clock sees to going up...

Anyway,y script tells its yarn well enough for seven to eight pages. I suppose in a rewrite, I can get to ten or eleven, but the bottom line is that in the current for, the deadline is missed.

I was tinkering with the idea of a Wendigo and a twist involving the "Wendigo Psychosis" where someone supposedly flips out, acts like a "wendigo" and has this alleged craving for human flesh....

Anyway, the first five pages almost feels like one of those survival-find the clues-mystery videogames

Quoted from DarrenJamesSeeley You had me fooled for a minute. The countdown clock sees to going up... Anyway,y script tells its yarn well enough for seven to eight pages. I suppose in a rewrite, I can get to ten or eleven, but the bottom line is that in the current for, the deadline is missed. I was tinkering with the idea of a Wendigo and a twist involving the "Wendigo Psychosis" where someone supposedly flips out, acts like a "wendigo" and has this alleged craving for human flesh.... Anyway, the first five pages almost feels like one of those survival-find the clues-mystery videogames

Darren, that sounds really cool.  Funny you should mention the Wendigo because the other story i was considering was about a man turning into a wendigo and the world's only hope (since nothing manmade can harm a wendigo, so no guns or bombs) was another supernatural creature, a werewolf.

Hey can I make a suggestion for the next event?  If it's possible, can scripts be loaded when they come in?  The reasoning would be simple.  20 or more scripts loaded at one time puts a lot of pressure on all of the readers to get through them quickly and potentially not spend the time each story deserves.  I know I feel very rushed to get through them ASAP.

But, if they were loaded when they came in, then those who were done writing would be able to get a head start and leave better, more in depth critiques on them.

What do you guys think?

Dan

Dan, are you referring to this type of 2WC only?
That's up to Don.

What I do know re the OWC is that it would defeat the purpose of being able to submit/change your draft right up until final deadline.

I don't want to create a thread in the other forum since this relates to my second draft. Does this work? Each action related to the dialogue below it.

SERIES OF SHOTS

--Some action.

BATEMAN (V.O.)
Some dialogue.

--More action.

BATEMAN (V.O.)
More dialogue.

--Even more action.

BATEMAN (V.O.)
Even more dialogue.

BACK TO SCENE