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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    Scarefest Script Club  ›  Immortal Enmity - SSC2WC Moderators: Zack
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  Author    Immortal Enmity - SSC2WC  (currently 3638 views)
DanC
Posted: February 27th, 2017, 3:13pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from AnthonyCawood
Hey Dan

It wasn't just the similarity in monsters, it was the fact that you have a bunch of kids defeat the monster and then have to defeat it again in adulthood.

But hey I'm sure you feature has loads of things that are different too;

Anthony


True.  There are some similar elements.  In the prologue, you'll see why the kids get involved.  

I've decided to submit a different short, based on the same movie.

You guys were right, it's too hard to slice 70+ pages from a script and not have any time to set up and flesh out the story.

You also don't understand why he shoots his wife at the end.  He's really convinced that she's the creature, based on what happened in the story.

So, realistically, this was my only play.  To do a prologue that shows how the kids get to where they are.  It is self-contained, so, that's good.  However, the ending will piss some people off.  

I hope you guys like it better or at least can see the potential.

I really believe this story has a lot of potential.  

I've submitted the rewrite, so, it should be fun.

Dan


Please read my scripts:
http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-series/m-1427564706/

I'm interested in reading animation, horror, sci fy, suspense, fantasy, and anything that is good.  I enjoy writing the same.  Looking to team with anyone!

Thanks
Dan
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PedroS
Posted: February 28th, 2017, 4:48pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Dan,

very dynamic and entertaining story.
There was a lot going.
I loved that dialogs and the twist with Heathers death.
You have a great story and 15 sites are definitely too short for this one
Keep it up!

Pedro
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James McClung
Posted: March 1st, 2017, 12:51pm Report to Moderator
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Sorry, man. Lots of issues here. Kind of a mess, actually. Not even a big fan of the title. Gets caught up in the mouth somehow.

I will hold off on my narrative gripes for now. I don't know how many of them are a result of the page limit or mining scenes from a feature. I'd imagine a few. I see you've submitted a rewrite, so I'll wait to see what changes you've made in this department.

Dialogue is an issue, though. I started off citing specific lines that were problematic but opted to stop when they started to add up. Some are simply on-the-nose, while others are either cliche or just plain awkward. Little of it seems to have any flow or style. It almost seems like placeholder dialogue, where you get the basics of what needs to be communicated down on paper but not in the way it'd actually be spoken. I can provide examples if you like.

The basic premise is fine. You've made an interesting choice of creature, whose mythos I'd be interested in learning more about. I also like the Stephen King-ish idea of unfinished business from childhood on the part of the adult protagonists. Unfortunately, the plot suffers in the details.

Nowhere is this more apparent than in the creature's proposal:

"You have a choice. Confess to every crime that you can think of, suffer total isolation in prison."

First off, it's not a choice; the creature doesn't provide a second option. Are we to assume it will simply torment Fred until he gives in? That might work if it weren't for the creature's efforts weren't so ridiculous. Getting him to kill his wife was genuinely insidious, but that's unfortunately out of character, given the rest of the time, it's trying to make him look like a pervert or something.

Also: "Confess to every crime that you can think of, suffer total isolation in prison."

What kind of goofy Austin Powers shit is this? Have you considered the logistics of this at all? Not only is it laughable, it makes the creature look stupid. Really, almost everything the creature does has that effect.

I'll provide a simple remedy here, though. Why not just have Fred confess to the mutilations in the cemetery? Wouldn't that make more sense? I mean, at least he has some kind of connection there. Still, that only solves half the problem; I think you need a clear-cut consequence for Fred not doing what the creature asks, beyond everything just going completely batshit crazy.

Speaking of the cemetery mutilations... martial law? Really? Why not just say "curfew instated" or something? Martial law is in keeping only with the general silliness of the rest of the script, which you probably don't want at all if this is meant to be taken seriously.

Finally page 11... "sotto." Never heard this one before. Care to elaborate?

Anyway, I think the idea has potential. Unfortunately, I think the script itself might just be a do-over. I'm honestly not sure. I'd be interested to know more about what went into writing this (I've only skimmed the comments here, so I'm not entirely sure). If not a result of the page count, I'd guess it was a rushed effort.


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Zack
Posted: March 1st, 2017, 10:19pm Report to Moderator
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Holy crap. This story was a victim of the page limit. I still enjoyed it.

It was like a super fast paced, better version of "It Follows". I could see this working as a fun feature.

Good writing, quick pace. You just need a wider canvas.

This gets a thumbs up from me.

~Zack~
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DanC
Posted: March 2nd, 2017, 1:54am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from James McClung
Sorry, man. Lots of issues here. Kind of a mess, actually. Not even a big fan of the title. Gets caught up in the mouth somehow.

I will hold off on my narrative gripes for now. I don't know how many of them are a result of the page limit or mining scenes from a feature. I'd imagine a few. I see you've submitted a rewrite, so I'll wait to see what changes you've made in this department.

Dialogue is an issue, though. I started off citing specific lines that were problematic but opted to stop when they started to add up. Some are simply on-the-nose, while others are either cliche or just plain awkward. Little of it seems to have any flow or style. It almost seems like placeholder dialogue, where you get the basics of what needs to be communicated down on paper but not in the way it'd actually be spoken. I can provide examples if you like.

The basic premise is fine. You've made an interesting choice of creature, whose mythos I'd be interested in learning more about. I also like the Stephen King-ish idea of unfinished business from childhood on the part of the adult protagonists. Unfortunately, the plot suffers in the details.

Nowhere is this more apparent than in the creature's proposal:

"You have a choice. Confess to every crime that you can think of, suffer total isolation in prison."

First off, it's not a choice; the creature doesn't provide a second option. Are we to assume it will simply torment Fred until he gives in? That might work if it weren't for the creature's efforts weren't so ridiculous. Getting him to kill his wife was genuinely insidious, but that's unfortunately out of character, given the rest of the time, it's trying to make him look like a pervert or something.

Also: "Confess to every crime that you can think of, suffer total isolation in prison."

What kind of goofy Austin Powers shit is this? Have you considered the logistics of this at all? Not only is it laughable, it makes the creature look stupid. Really, almost everything the creature does has that effect.

I'll provide a simple remedy here, though. Why not just have Fred confess to the mutilations in the cemetery? Wouldn't that make more sense? I mean, at least he has some kind of connection there. Still, that only solves half the problem; I think you need a clear-cut consequence for Fred not doing what the creature asks, beyond everything just going completely batshit crazy.

Speaking of the cemetery mutilations... martial law? Really? Why not just say "curfew instated" or something? Martial law is in keeping only with the general silliness of the rest of the script, which you probably don't want at all if this is meant to be taken seriously.

Finally page 11... "sotto." Never heard this one before. Care to elaborate?

Anyway, I think the idea has potential. Unfortunately, I think the script itself might just be a do-over. I'm honestly not sure. I'd be interested to know more about what went into writing this (I've only skimmed the comments here, so I'm not entirely sure). If not a result of the page count, I'd guess it was a rushed effort.


Hey James,
Thanks so much for reading it.  Some of your complaints were from my terrible choice to cut this from feature length down to 15 pages.  That really hurt me, but the thing that bugs me the most is that I really didn't see how problematic it ended up being.  

I must be smarter in the future or what tiny miniscule odds that I will ever sell anything will surely vanish.  This is 4 projects in a row that I chose subject matter that had a snowballs chance in hell of having a good positive outcome.

The actual title is "City in Fear" which makes it much easier to say.  I took the title because of the enmity it feels for the lead.

The creature wants him to suffer.  Forever.  It wants to see his loved ones suffer as well.  This goes back to the movie, but the entire thing is how it goes after him and either causes havoc in his image (leaving the cop to clean up the mess) or it kills people he loves while in the cop's image.

All the while the paranoia our hero experiences since it can look like anyone gets ramped up to a billion.

Funny you should mention the laws it wants the cop to profess to.  It doesn't understand human anything.  It can read the cop's mind, know how bad people go to prison, but not understand the rules behind the laws.  

If you read the revamped version, you will understand why they ask for martial law and call in the national guard.  

The new version shows how all the "chess pieces" end up where they do.  It's a much smaller story and I only had to cut four LINES, a huge change for me.  

Lastly, sotto is short for sotto voce, which translates to quiet voice.  I've seen it in plenty of screenplays over the years.  Most abbreviate it as just sotto.  It is used when you want to have someone say something aloud, but not heard by anyone else.

Thanks again for reading this.
Dan


Please read my scripts:
http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-series/m-1427564706/

I'm interested in reading animation, horror, sci fy, suspense, fantasy, and anything that is good.  I enjoy writing the same.  Looking to team with anyone!

Thanks
Dan
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DanC
Posted: March 2nd, 2017, 2:06am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Zack
Holy crap. This story was a victim of the page limit. I still enjoyed it.

It was like a super fast paced, better version of "It Follows". I could see this working as a fun feature.

Good writing, quick pace. You just need a wider canvas.

This gets a thumbs up from me.

~Zack~


Thanks so much Zach.  I know it needs a lot of work.  I never should have attempted to cram a feature length down to so few pages.  The rewrite has a much more narrow focus.  

Funny you mentioned It Follows.  I haven't seen it, but know plenty about it.  That could be that writer's version of a rakshasa.  

I know that if I was being chased like the never ending STD that the creature is, I'd to Amsterdam, have sex with 5 prostitutes, hope they have sex with others from different countries, wait for the creature to walk to each of those countries, go home in the USA and die from old age before it gets back.

Thanks again for the read.  Hope you like the rewrite better.
Dan


Please read my scripts:
http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-series/m-1427564706/

I'm interested in reading animation, horror, sci fy, suspense, fantasy, and anything that is good.  I enjoy writing the same.  Looking to team with anyone!

Thanks
Dan
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JEStaats
Posted: March 4th, 2017, 6:03pm Report to Moderator
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No sh*t, there I was....

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Error when trying to open...anyone else?
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LC
Posted: March 5th, 2017, 6:47am Report to Moderator
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Yep, Don, I'm also getting a 404 on this one.


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Don
Posted: March 5th, 2017, 4:15pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Fixed the link.  Apologies.

- Don


Visit SimplyScripts.com for what is new on the site.

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You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
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PedroS
Posted: March 5th, 2017, 5:29pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Dan,

i liked what you did with the story.
From a religious occultly monster movie to a crime meets horror story.
The end came a little a sudden, but it's totally understandable by the 15 pages limitation.
The office scene was entertaining, but maybe too long? But I liked it - thumbs up.

You gave the story a new soul and I think, that's what a rewriting is for - so great work.
The open end with the children is a great add.

Pedro
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LC
Posted: March 6th, 2017, 1:02am Report to Moderator
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Dan, is this meant to be a 'short' self contained story?
Judging by the end it's not.

I'll have some notes for you soon either way.


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DanC
Posted: March 6th, 2017, 3:50am Report to Moderator
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Killing villains since 1980!

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Quoted from LC
Dan, is this meant to be a 'short' self contained story?
Judging by the end it's not.

I'll have some notes for you soon either way.


LIBBY, how I have missed thee!!!

Thank you for reading it.  

The first draft was the movie being cut from 90 pages to 15.  So, with this rewrite, I tried to set up how the chess pieces get to where they do.  

If you don't know, it's about a supernatural creature who escapes a mistakenly created prison that our protagonist locks it in.  Once iit escapes, it goes after the kid, now a good cop (and better man) as the creature seeks to ruin his life.

The creature is truly frightening in that not only can it read  minds, assume any form (within reason, it can't become like Godzilla for example), doesn't fear sunlight, but worse of all is that it can only be killed in one way.

If I missed any words spelled Iff instead of if, for some reason, my kindle does that.  The text is small and can be hard to read.

I'll be on my computer tomorrow.

Feel free to contact me Libby, you're always welcome!!

Talk to you and everyone else later.

Dan


Please read my scripts:
http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-series/m-1427564706/

I'm interested in reading animation, horror, sci fy, suspense, fantasy, and anything that is good.  I enjoy writing the same.  Looking to team with anyone!

Thanks
Dan
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James McClung
Posted: March 6th, 2017, 12:33pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Dan,

Obviously, this is completely different than the previous draft. Still, the overall writing is an improvement, especially early on. Almost feels like a completely different writer at times. The narrative is also much more coherent, so my issues with the first draft as they relate to plot no longer apply.

Still, some dialogue issues remain, although not nearly to the same extent or even in the same ways as before, necessarily. Lots of characters talking to themselves, often in an expository way, which not only feels unnatural but also cheap. The only instance where it seemed to make sense was with Dylan, but he's probably saying he was dead far too late for someone who's clearly been on the run for some time. This issue was especially problematic in regards to the "oil," which really never needed to be established as oil in the first place.

Nick's frankness with his Captain/fellow cops about the supernatural aspect of the case was similarly unrealistic. No hesitance on his part to come forth with this information? The brazenness of his suggestion almost makes him look like a bad cop, even though he's ultimately correct in the end. Nevertheless, I still don't buy this whole martial-law thing. Again, why not just have them instate a curfew?

I think the biggest issue with your story thus far is the creature. Again, a rakshasa is an interesting choice, but for a so-called shapeshifter, there's hardly any cunning on its part. It shows up in places/at moments that simply make no sense for the people it's supposed to be imitating and where its prospective victims should have the sense to be immediately suspicious. And yet, hardly anyone ever asks what they ("they" being the imitated person) are doing alone on a deserted street (at one point, it seems to be mentioned as a joke by the rakshasa itself).

When Nick calls out the creature for not being his son, it immediately caves and reveals itself... why? It wouldn't try to maintain its ruse for even a moment? Again, a shapeshifter implies some sort of cunning, at least to me. Also, why is Nick not terrified of a giant bipedal tiger?

The line about blessed bullets is a perfect example of what's wrong with some of the dialogue here. It's corny, blatantly expository, and doesn't make sense for the rakshasa to even say, even if revealing its weakness weren't an issue. Really, for such a unique creature, most of its action make it look completely stupid and pathetic.

One issue remains from the first draft, despite the complete revamp of scenes and general improvement of the plot. I'm not sure how effective it is from a horror perspective to go from one murder scene to another with essentially the exact same setup and no buffer. It's more predictable each time, and without substantial time in between scenes, it leaves one desensitized to the effects of the gore. Obviously, you're squeezing a bunch of feature scenes into a short, so perhaps this is more a note for the feature if these are indeed the same first 15 pages.

Anyway, an improvement, but still some issues to be worked out. Hope this helps.



Revision History (1 edits)
James McClung  -  March 6th, 2017, 2:50pm
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Dreamscale
Posted: March 6th, 2017, 12:57pm Report to Moderator
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Hi Dan, back from a week of ripping freshies in Colorado.

I started to give this a read, but stopped pretty quickly, sorry to say.  Lots and lots of real issues on your first 2 pages.  Let's check 'em out...

Page 1 - Your opening Slug (setting) doesn't work at all, and causes me to have literally no clue where this scene is taking place.  Your Slug is "HOTEL RASKIN", then you have some sort of Mini below it (which is a mistake in itself), saying "THIRD FLOOR".  But, we're outside, so what exactly am I supposed to be seeing?  Where are they?  What kind of hotel has an EXT 3rd floor, and what does it look like?  If your intent is to be on the balcony of a 3rd floor room, then you need to tell us this in the Slug...or show it in an action/description line.

Bottom line is this and I ALWAYS say this...over and over and over again - you have to set your scenes (when in a new scene, or when something has changed from the last time we were in the scene).  You have not done that at all - there is zero visual writing here, and because of it, I am immediately completely lost.

The "REVEAL" showing a baby in one of Dylan's hands and a gun in the other is another head scratcher for me, as I don't know how he could hold a 6 month old baby in one hand, and the dangling over the railing - as in what railing"

Dialogue from all 3 characters is phony and completely unrealistic.

Now, all of a sudden, we have bystanders on every floor watching this?  What kind of hotel are we in?  So Brian gets shot and falls backwards onto concrete?  Again, what kind of hotel is this and where are we exactly?  I have no clue.

And then Dylan drops the baby into the pool, 3 floors down?  As in, the pool is underneath wherever they are on the 3rd floor?

So then, Nick jumps up on this railing and dives into the pool?  Is anyone swimming in the pool already?  What happens to Dylan?  Or Brian?  Because suddenly, without a change in scenes or Slugs, we're apparently now down in the pool.

I mean, brother...c'mon.  This is so outlandish and unrealistic, you have to get what I'm saying...hopefully.  Just doesn't make a whole lot of sense and this is your opening scene.

I wish I could be more positive.
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DanC
Posted: March 6th, 2017, 2:23pm Report to Moderator
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Hi James and Jeff.  You're both right.  

Jeff, thanks for explaining how I wrote the opening scene wrong.  That's a big help to me.  Now, I know how I should have written that.  

I should never have tried to adapt a feature into a 15 min story.  I guess that's another hard lesson learned.  Or at least never attempt to do it with a creature as complex as the Rakshasa.  

I think I will write the other idea that I had for the horror event.  

The hotel was a 5 story hotel that had a pool.  I guess I didn't do well in explaining it.  

So, how should that have been written?  Is it simply

EXT. RASKIN HOTEL - CENTRAL STAIRCASE - DAY
The Raksin Hotel has five floors.  A STANDOFF currently exists on the third floor.  Bystanders from other floors watch the scene unfold.  

Then launch into characters, then scene?

And you're right, I try to explain too much.  You're right, the Rakshasa would never let its weakness be known.  

Some of the issues that I had, well, the biggest one, was the 15-page limit.  The creature simply doesn't have enough time to act smart.  

As for people being suspicious, I don't know.  If I went to the show and I saw an old friend of mine that I hadn't seen in years, I wouldn't think much about that.  Same with a supermarket.  

I should have let the meetings happen in a more public place, but, if you ran into an old friend unexpectedly, why would you be suspicious?  Unless your friend acts differently than you expect, which it won't since it bases how it acts on your own thoughts), what would lead to suspicion?  

Thanks again for reading it guys.  I hope to expand it into a feature one day.  

Dan


Please read my scripts:
http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-series/m-1427564706/

I'm interested in reading animation, horror, sci fy, suspense, fantasy, and anything that is good.  I enjoy writing the same.  Looking to team with anyone!

Thanks
Dan
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