Dan, will PM you my notes, tomorrow. Just tidying them up.

You've got a lot of good advice here. I'll try not to repeat what's already said.

Quoted from LC Dan, will PM you my notes, tomorrow. Just tidying them up. You've got a lot of good advice here. I'll try not to repeat what's already said.

Thanks, Libby, looking forward to reading your notes.  It's always good to hear from you.

Dan

Hey Dan, nice to see you around. I'm currently in New Mexico, but will fly home today. I'll give this a read when I'm back in Germany.

Quoted from Equinox Hey Dan, nice to see you around. I'm currently in New Mexico, but will fly home today. I'll give this a read when I'm back in Germany.

Hey bud,  long time, too long.

If you ever make it up to Buffalo, NY, you HAVE to look me up so we can go for a beer or something.  This is true for any of my friends on here.  What brought you all the way to NM??

Not sure if you read the comments, but I tried to turn a feature into a short.  It's much easier to turn a short into a feature than vice-versa.  Lesson learned.

I look forward to catching up with yoo.
Dan

Hey Dan,

I've been at Las Cruces International Film Festival because our film, The Wall In The Garden got in there. We got invitations like free hotel for 2 representants and VIP passes for all the celebrity events. Our director asked me to come, so I went and it was a unique experience. I wish I could show the film here some time, but currently I can't because it's still in consideration for further festivals, one of them being Cannes. Check out my facebook page, crazy pictures/videos on there. I met Johnny Galecki from the Big Bang Theory, Brendan Fraser, John Hedger from Napoleon Dynamite, some actors from the Wolf of Wallstreet, just to name a few. Crazy stuff. I had hoped some of the SimplyScripts people would be there, but seems like nobody made it to LC. Great film community there. They got the NMSU there, which runs a great film program. Las Cruces seems like little Hollywood - everybody in town is connected to film somehow. Also met Ross Marks and Mark Medoff who run the festival and tutor students at the NMSU. If you ever got the chance to go there, do it, it's worth it. Lots of managers/agents from Hollywood running around there looking for new talent. Got several requests to send them my scripts so they can have a look, which is why I have to polish polish polish now

I'll be in Vegas in September/October, if anybody from that area wants to catch up, just let me know.

Going to read your script now.

Quoted from Equinox Hey Dan, I've been at Las Cruces International Film Festival because our film, The Wall In The Garden got in there. We got invitations like free hotel for 2 representants and VIP passes for all the celebrity events. Our director asked me to come, so I went and it was a unique experience. I wish I could show the film here some time, but currently I can't because it's still in consideration for further festivals, one of them being Cannes. Check out my facebook page, crazy pictures/videos on there. I met Johnny Galecki from the Big Bang Theory, Brendan Fraser, John Hedger from Napoleon Dynamite, some actors from the Wolf of Wallstreet, just to name a few. Crazy stuff. I had hoped some of the SimplyScripts people would be there, but seems like nobody made it to LC. Great film community there. They got the NMSU there, which runs a great film program. Las Cruces seems like little Hollywood - everybody in town is connected to film somehow. Also met Ross Marks and Mark Medoff who run the festival and tutor students at the NMSU. If you ever got the chance to go there, do it, it's worth it. Lots of managers/agents from Hollywood running around there looking for new talent. Got several requests to send them my scripts so they can have a look, which is why I have to polish polish polish now I'll be in Vegas in September/October, if anybody from that area wants to catch up, just let me know. Going to read your script now.

Dude, that is awesome.  You've had some real successes.  I'm really happy for you.  You have such confidence.  I haven't submitted anything yet.  I know my writing isn't strong enough yet.  

You guys know something?  I have tentative plans to be in Vegas around Halloween.  Will anyone be there?  It'd be amazing to meet some of you!!

Dan

Okay, here we go:

p1:

'drug-addictively thin' - I like that description. To the point and I get an instant image.
SUPER: MARCH 13TH, 1988 - Better to show us the setting or give us hints like clothes of the time or something

p2:

They watch with fevered anxiety waiting for Nick to
resurface, hopefully, with the baby.
After what feels like an eternity, Nick resurfaces with the
choking child.

- Sounds a bit repetitive here. Could be shorter like 'They watch with fevered anxiety waiting for Nick. After what feels like an eternity, Nick resurfaces with the choking child."
- Do you think it sounds believable that a baby would survive a fall from the 3rd floor? Water becomes hard as stone from that height.
- In general, try not to start too many action lines with He or She. Mix it up a little.
- Opening works so far. Tough scene with the baby, interested to read more.

p4:

OLD LADY
Dyl, I�ve cared for you like a
mother and a mother always knows.

- Exposition alert here. Starts in the dialog before already.
- Typo: who ->exists<- Phil�s brand-new MERCEDES BENZ.
- Towards the end of the page: The valet, the valet, the valet. Repetitive. Continues on p5

Read to page 8 now. Good stuff with the monster. Just a bit hard to believe it'd find her immediately in the trash container. Does it have x-ray eyes or something?

Some logical problem on page 9:
The coroner can't make an autopsy because there is no flesh left. You don't need flesh to make an autopsy. They make autopsies of a thousand years old mummy skeletons. However, they already know it was Dylan's body because of a DNA test. Extracting DNA from bones takes quite long, is complicated, and often doesn't work at all.
Then he shows a slide of Dylan's arm with bite marks on it. Are these marks on the bone, as there's no flesh left?

The captain goes to the next slide, a close up of Dylan�s
arm with pointed bite marks as if a shark bit him.
INSERT: Dylan�s left femur with rows of teeth marks in it.

CAPTAIN
Our coroner noticed that all these
remains have these odd marks on
them as if a shark bit them.

Okay, we got it from the slides. No need for him to tell us.

p10:

NICK
Lemme guess, it takes longer than
six hours to get to Turkey.

Umm, yeah - we got it, it can't be him. Don't need that here as it makes Nick look like an idiot.

NICK
Lemme guess, it takes longer than
six hours to get to Turkey.

The captain sighs.

CAPTAIN
Correct.  So, he isn�t our guy.

NICK
So, what are we looking at?

The captain clears his throat.

CAPTAIN
We are looking for someone, or
something that can look, sound, and
act like a trusted friend.

This is all just stating the obvious. Quite boring and unnecessary. Have some faith in your readers, they will get the point here without having them talk it out in that on-the-nose way.

p11:

The captain looks at him, puzzled.

NICK
He plays a game called D&D.  He�s
into all this medieval crap.

CAPTAIN
Nick, this is real life.  There�s
no such thing as a shapeshifter.

Nick laughs.

CAPTAIN
I�m declaring martial law at sunset
and asking for the national guard
to help with patrols.

NICK
Yeah, and if you see an old friend
from out of nowhere, beware.

Everyone laughs.

This doesn't work really for several reasons. They wouldn't call the national guard because some guy was killed. And the immediate conclusion this has to be some kind of shapeshifter is also over the top. Try to play with the mystery here. Try to milk it. Keep us in suspense and don't tell us the whole story in such exposition dialog.

Okay, finished the script. I really liked it until like page 9/10. You revealed it all too fast, Nick's conclusion and readyness to believe in stuff like shapeshifters and such is unbelievable. Maybe needs more of a buildup, but doesn't work as it is in this script. If you have to, make it 20 pages instead and milk the mystery more. Let the cops find clues and traces which slowly lead them to the conclusion something supernatural is going on here. That dialog with the Captain and Nick blew it for me. The beginning with the baby was interesting, but it seems like it has nothing to do with the rest of the story and is only there to show Nicks 'heroism'. For that purpose, I think it is too long and you should use more of the space to focus on the mystery about the monster. Not sure what purpose the whole thing on the cemetary with his grandmother etc. is supposed to do. I'd cut that as well and use the space for some more investigation work and some clues of supernatural stuff going on.

Good idea, nice start, but terrible pacing towards the end. Easy read though and it has potential. Good luck!

@Dan

During the festival, I had the chance to attend the screenwriting workshop. Lecturers were renowned hollywood writers, one of them was Mark Medoff. The one statement he made I kept in memory was: "Students and new writers keep asking me, what is the secret to be a successful writer? And my reply for the past 50 years has always been: There is no secret at all".

I also had the chance to speak to Don Foster a couple of times. He was in the same hotel as me. When I went outside to smoke, he was waiting there and he asked me about my scripts and such. It drifted into a discussion about writing rules, structure etc. and he said it's all bull****. Write what you like in a way as thrilling as possible, because you don't have to convince script rule gurus, but producers and filmmakers if you want to get your stuff made. I translated that for myself into 'Care more about story and voice than about rules and scriptwriting books who tell you about the perfect format and structure".

I know we've been talking about it quite a lot in the past, and I get the feeling you feel kind of insecure about whether your scripts are up to some magic standard. I really believe there is no such standard. If you look at scripts by successful writers, you will find all kinds of things everybody here would shitstorm about. When I was in NM, I got to read a script by an established Hollywood writer. He told me, he's just sold it and the film will be made with a budget of roughly $10M. I can tell you, if he'd post his script here, the usual suspects would start a shitstorm because it blows any 'rule' that's circulating out there. There are 10 pages of dialog without interruption in this script, walls of text as action lines, passive tense all the way and reads like a novel from page 1 to 109. But the important thing is: The story works and you want to keep reading! Most filmmakers or decision makers are terrible writers (at least those looking for scripts). They care zero about some rules or standards, they're looking for good stories they can visualize as a film. Just be a little more brave and if you're happy with any story you've created, by all means get it out into the world.