2nd Draft
Immortal Enmity - Prologue by Dan Campisi - Short, Monster Horror - Circumstances leading up to a fateful decision that a bunch of kids will make are revealed.   15 pages - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

1st Draft
Immortal Enmity by Dan Campisi - Short, Monster Horror - A monster seeks revenge against the man who accidentally imprisoned it years ago when he was a child. - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Quoted from Don Immortal Enmity by Dan Campisi - Short, Monster Horror - A monster seeks revenge against the man who accidentally imprisoned it years ago when he was a child. - pdf, format Writer interested in feedback on this work

Some real bat-shit crazy stuff happening here. So this thing can transform into basically anything and everyone as it chooses? Kind of makes for an un-killable creature.

The only issue I had was in the police station and how NO ONE noticed the weird shit going on. I'm not one to focus on the "overwritten" action lines, since I do that myself, and am typically unaware of it, so I'd rather not comment on anything like that.

I just look at the story and if it was fun/easy to read through.

Man, oh Dan!  Damn, Dan!  

Hey, bro, good on you for completing this challenge.  I'm going to give to you straight up, as I know that's what you're after.

In a nutshell, this is just way, way, WAY too big a concept for 15 pages.  Way too many characters.  Way too many locations.  Way too much going on.

It also doesn't come across as what I would call horror, as nothing here seems remotely believable, in terms of characters, characters' actions, reactions, dialogue, settings, motivations, etc. (the "etc." covers pretty much everything in here).

As Steven correctly pointed out, there is some seriously batshit crazy shit going down here, basically on every single page, but absolutely none of it seems real.  It's kind of like an old Scooby Doo episode, or even a pisser (and don't take that the wrong way, either, as many, MANY actual movies play out like pissers).

Let's get into the technical difficulties in detail...

You start things out at a "dilapidated cemetery", which in itself, is fine, but IMO, you should always give your settings "character", and to do that, give the cemetery a name, tell us where we are, show what it looks like.  You have zero visual descriptors in the 1st scene (and pretty much, every scene).  Give your settings some life...let us "see" them.

Your intro of the boys is very problematic.  No reason to CAP "SIX".  Calling them "preteen" is a huge issue, especially based on where your story goes.  Preteen means under 13, but we have absolutely no visual descriptors given for any of these preteen boys, other than they're dressed like "medieval knights and sorcerers", which is tough for me to try and figure out what exactly they're wearing...or why they're dressed like this.

So, Carl brings a newspaper with him?  Really?  Obviously, this is purely exposition here, so "we" know why they're here, and what has happened, but it doesn't work as you have it.  And, Marshall Law?  Again, this just doesn't come off as remotely realistic.

The kids names change constantly.  Billy is never even intro'd.  No clue who Bob is or where he came from.

So, somehow, in less than 2 pages, these 6 preteen boys have figured out where the monster is, and even found it!  Again, not remotely realistic, scary, or believable.

Having your monster/creature speak is a mistake, and almost always a mistake, as again, you lose any kind of realistic scary vibe.

The action that follows has no power, based on how you wrote it all in a single passage, even though many things are happening.  It's even unclear to me that the boys escaped, it all happened so fast.

Going to a Mini Slug is a mistake, and that passage is a mess, as again, it's completely unclear who's there and what's happening.

OK, so we cut to 20 years later, and the dilapidated cemetery must be really dilapidated now!

You've got 2 more unnamed characters, which makes them complete throwaways, who spout out dialogue about movies, just like the kids did 20 years ago.  And, less than a page later, our creature is free.

So, in 3 pages, we've had 9 characters, 3 of which were named, and we've spanned 20 years, and know the creature is on the loose again.  Here's the deal...this "opening" or "intro" should actually play out over about 10 pages.  The characters should have character, so we care about them.  The sets should be visual.  The monster should be scary.  This should set up what's to follow.

I'm not going to go page by page from here, because there's just too much to discuss, but I do need to address another major mistake on Page 4.

So, I take it Bill and Fred are the kids in the beginning, right?  Both stayed in the same town, and both became police officers...and somehow, both are now in their late 30's, 20 years after they were preteen boys.  Does that make any sense at all?

So, I'm not trying to be mean, but I am being honest.  As written, this does not work at all, as horror.  If the intent is comedy horror, there are definitely some funny things going on here.   You need to dial this way, way back and ask yourself if any of this would be possible or plausible in a real world.

Good job getting this in, as you were 1 of only 8.  Now, sit back and reread what you have and see what you think.  This concept would be much better as a feature, than a short.

Hope this helps.

Ok I like the logline. I'm not crazy about the title.

I do like how you set the tone by the newspaper insert out of the gate.

It's a big strange these teens dressed up like they are. It is also hard to imagine boys screaming. I mean, girls scream all the time, but boys would be like 'oh fuck let's get outa here' ... I don' remember seeing a boy scream in a movie except a very young boy.

I am taken aback when your creature speaks words. Is it a man that looks like a creature?

I do like how you used the cross as a wall that keeps the creature inside.

Type pg 5 - each step she talks

Cool when Adrienne changes into the monster. You may want to have her acting unnatural even more than just sexually coming onto him. Something real out of the ordinary(foreshadow).

I do like when she runs out and acts as if HE was attacking her. Good job.

So at the end of page 8 when we see the neighbor's sharp teeth...is this creature thing multiplying? Are they living in a town of supernatural monsters? I'm a bit confused here.

Ok and now we have a satanic child. This getting a little too busy for me now. I'm getting thrown off the story and begin wondering what is this about.

It gets way too talky the last three pages for me. Near the end of this you want the momentum and tension to continue rising I think.

And the monster now has acid.

One thing I think is that you have to set your monster early on and you have to give us some parameters some rules so that we understand the monster and we know the stakes and we know the danger yet we aren't sure we can beat it. This story does not establish that except for the first part where the cross stops the monster. Also your monster changes throughout the story so it feels 'not real' to us and a fake monster isn't as scary IMO. This feels like a really big story in a small amount of pages.

Great job for completing this and I hope to see this story evolve.

Quoted from Dreamscale Man, oh Dan!  Damn, Dan!   Hey, bro, good on you for completing this challenge.  I'm going to give to you straight up, as I know that's what you're after. In a nutshell, this is just way, way, WAY too big a concept for 15 pages.  Way too many characters.  Way too many locations.  Way too much going on. It also doesn't come across as what I would call horror, as nothing here seems remotely believable, in terms of characters, characters' actions, reactions, dialogue, settings, motivations, etc. (the "etc." covers pretty much everything in here). As Steven correctly pointed out, there is some seriously batshit crazy shit going down here, basically on every single page, but absolutely none of it seems real.  It's kind of like an old Scooby Doo episode, or even a pisser (and don't take that the wrong way, either, as many, MANY actual movies play out like pissers). Let's get into the technical difficulties in detail... You start things out at a "dilapidated cemetery", which in itself, is fine, but IMO, you should always give your settings "character", and to do that, give the cemetery a name, tell us where we are, show what it looks like.  You have zero visual descriptors in the 1st scene (and pretty much, every scene).  Give your settings some life...let us "see" them. Your intro of the boys is very problematic.  No reason to CAP "SIX".  Calling them "preteen" is a huge issue, especially based on where your story goes.  Preteen means under 13, but we have absolutely no visual descriptors given for any of these preteen boys, other than they're dressed like "medieval knights and sorcerers", which is tough for me to try and figure out what exactly they're wearing...or why they're dressed like this. So, Carl brings a newspaper with him?  Really?  Obviously, this is purely exposition here, so "we" know why they're here, and what has happened, but it doesn't work as you have it.  And, Marshall Law?  Again, this just doesn't come off as remotely realistic. The kids names change constantly.  Billy is never even intro'd.  No clue who Bob is or where he came from. So, somehow, in less than 2 pages, these 6 preteen boys have figured out where the monster is, and even found it!  Again, not remotely realistic, scary, or believable. Having your monster/creature speak is a mistake, and almost always a mistake, as again, you lose any kind of realistic scary vibe. The action that follows has no power, based on how you wrote it all in a single passage, even though many things are happening.  It's even unclear to me that the boys escaped, it all happened so fast. Going to a Mini Slug is a mistake, and that passage is a mess, as again, it's completely unclear who's there and what's happening. OK, so we cut to 20 years later, and the dilapidated cemetery must be really dilapidated now! You've got 2 more unnamed characters, which makes them complete throwaways, who spout out dialogue about movies, just like the kids did 20 years ago.  And, less than a page later, our creature is free. So, in 3 pages, we've had 9 characters, 3 of which were named, and we've spanned 20 years, and know the creature is on the loose again.  Here's the deal...this "opening" or "intro" should actually play out over about 10 pages.  The characters should have character, so we care about them.  The sets should be visual.  The monster should be scary.  This should set up what's to follow. I'm not going to go page by page from here, because there's just too much to discuss, but I do need to address another major mistake on Page 4. So, I take it Bill and Fred are the kids in the beginning, right?  Both stayed in the same town, and both became police officers...and somehow, both are now in their late 30's, 20 years after they were preteen boys.  Does that make any sense at all? So, I'm not trying to be mean, but I am being honest.  As written, this does not work at all, as horror.  If the intent is comedy horror, there are definitely some funny things going on here.   You need to dial this way, way back and ask yourself if any of this would be possible or plausible in a real world. Good job getting this in, as you were 1 of only 8.  Now, sit back and reread what you have and see what you think.  This concept would be much better as a feature, than a short. Hope this helps.

Hey Jeff,
No worries Bud.  I kinda realized that before I submitted it.  Once again, I bit off more than I could chew.  I am not at my computer right now, so I will write more later.
Dan

This title is a tongue twister.  Not sure that’s a good thing.

Pointless nitpick - This bugs me, and probably no one else.  I hate repetition.  You have “In front of mausoleum” then “six preteen boys huddle around a mausoleum.”   There’s really no need to write that a second time if it’s in a slug/mini slug.  Aight, sorry about that.  Here we go.

Oh I like that, the cross is blocking his exit.  I imagine this scene is fleshed out more in the screenplay.  I know we’re “short” on time here, but I wish there was a little more to that.  Also, when I think of a mausoleum, I think of a single casket structure – not much room, but that might just be me.

I guess the kids never told anyone about their monster encounter?  20 years and no one has gone back?

Female Chief is in her early 30s?  nitpick, but I’d change that to 40s at least.

The creature recomposes himself – am I supposed to know what he looks like at this point?

I don’t understand the creature’s motivations right now at all.  I like the morphing ability though.  

Wouldn’t a station full of cops pounce on Freddy before he could run out?

I like the monster fucking with him… but I don’t get it.  Why is he fucking with him?  Where’s Billy?  Why not just kill them?

Nun is verrrrry convenient.  How often do you see nuns?

Bill needed to be a part of this entire story.  He can’t just reappear out of nowhere now.  And I know this is a short, but we’re just skipping the whole “blessed by a Hindu priest” part of the story?

“How could she know to come here?” – exactly.  Fred stabbing his wife has no impact b/c how the hell did she know to go there?  There was no hint to that whatsoever.  I guess the creature took someone else’s form and tipped her off?  
Did we see that?  Did I just somehow miss that?

Wow, that ended abruptly.  All that setup and then he stabs him quick, bickity bam, the end.  The 15 page parameters really hurt you here.  This is probably a cool screenplay, but it doesn’t work as a short.

I'm glad you explained what enmity is as I was expecting the creature to be a sea anemone. Duh.

I found it quite choppy and difficult to follow at times. It was a lot to cram into 15 pages, but I think it could be trimmed to make a little more sense? I can see that all these ideas were in your head and maybe you felt that you really needed to get them all in the allotted pages.

I need to second all the comments made previously. Congrats on getting this submitted!

Hey, guys,  I'm gonna attempt to answer all of these statements.  

First off, thanks to each of you who took the time to read it.  

I admit I bit off too much.  I had to cut so much and took out the best part, the paranoia.  

A Rakshasa is an evil Hindu supernatural creature.  It can read minds, take on any form, and can use magic.  Some have been said to have created their own worlds.  So, powerful stuff.  

Enmity is an emotion beyond hatred.  A pretty famous one is the feud between Orcus and Demogorgon.  

So, these things think humans are their feeding ground.  They don't fear humans, they don't care if a human knows where they are because they can kill any human.

They don't have any weaknesses, not really.  They hate holy objects.  They can ONLY be killed with a brass dagger blessed by a Hindu priest.  

Steven, it's easier to kill than say, Jason or Freddie.

Dena, haven't you heard of LARP (Live Action Role Play).  The kids were dressed up as medieval people.  It's no different than kids playing cops and robbers, Harry Potter etc.  

The Rakshasa can look like anyone, insofar as the person who's mind they are reading knows.  In other words, say it reads your mind.  Your friends with Bob.  You think Bob is right-handed, but, he's really left-handed.  The Rakshasa would use his right hand because that's the hand you think Bob is.  Unless the Rakshasa had previously run into Bob.

They have a pretty big appetite.  They tend to stay in areas that have large rodent issues.   It's was stated that an attack from a Rakshasa and a pack of rats is the same, except for the time.  A Rakshasa can consume an adult human in seconds, as opposed to what the rats can do (still under 30 seconds, but, not as fast).

If the creature shows its natural form, it looks like a bipedal tiger dressed in very old and worn top-tier clothes.  The claws and teeth in this form have a poison that is very painful and poisonous.  

Dena, wow, I hadn't considered that's how you'd take that.  No, there is only 1 rakshasa, the one tracking him.  The next door neighbor was the same one.  It had assumed the form of the neighbor.  

The Satanic Child isn't a child.  It's the Rakshasa pretending to be a child to get him in trouble.  It wants to ruin his life.

See, it feels that this lowly human stole 20 years of its life where all it could do was sit and think.  The hatred built up.  So, when it got free, it wanted to destroy the lives of everyone he cares for.  

In the feature length, it goes after everyone he's ever loved.

Dena, there are plenty of times that the monster's biggest power is hidden until the end.  Early on, I establish that it can read minds and change shape.  Then, as time goes on and we learn about it, that's when I show that it can also poison people.

You're right, it's too big of an idea for that few pages.  

I actually had the opposite reaction.  I thought the monster was more real because it could be anyone.  Imagine the paranoia of the Hidden or the Thing?  That's what I was going for.


Conz, you're right, I need to watch for that kind of stuff.  I don't have to be redundant.

No, the mausoleum is huge.  There are dozens of crypts in there, which is a perfect spot for it to hide.

The kids do tell the parents about the monster in the cemetery.  How do you think they'd respond?  Red eyes, changes form, hides in cemetery etc.  The parents wrote it off as kids' play.

No, you don't see the true form of the creature until the end.  

As I said, the creature, in addition to the ESP (mind reading) and shape alteration (assuming the form of anyone), it also has magic and can turn invisible.  And it has super strength, reflexes, speed, intelligence, and wisdom.  Yep, it's a bad ass!!

As I said, it despises him for life wasting 20 years of its life.  Imagine if an ant somehow caused you to lose a day.  How angry would you be if this insignificant thing caused you to adjust your life.

It was gonna just kill them, but, instead, it wants to crush them, really make them pay.  It's the "death is too good for them" mantra.

The nun was for that funny throwaway line.  And to show that it has to respect holy objects. She also serves as the tool in which he escapes.  

At the end, the wife is led there by the creature.  That's why Fred is so sure that isn't his wife, but, the creature in the guise of his wife.  She has that line about being led there.  Fred didn't believe it.  

Yeah, it ends fast.  Too fast.  The 15 pages killed me.  

I seem to have a real issue with page max limits.  I need to fix this if I am ever gonna take the next step.  

I can tell any story in 20-30 pages.  But, when it's less than 20, I screw up, badly.  I need help with that.

Will write more later.

Dan

Ok Dan, here we go.

If we are in front of a mausoleum shouldn't that be made known in the slug?

Is this a newspaper the boys made? A current edition of the NYT? Doesn't make much sense.

Young Freddie and Billy but not Carl? I think if you're having this many characters right off the bat you need to describe them a bit more. I don't know who any are.  I suspect this may be some D&D brought to life from our previous messages but the avg reader won't. I know this is only 15 pages and time is short, but I think you're starting too late here. You need to go back a bit and establish what these boys are doing, who they are, and what's going on. This is too much, too soon here.

Twenty years later? This is not a D&D session???? How did they have a holy necklace and stuff?

After the worker picks up the cross where do the red eyes come from?

I think these workers have too much screen time to just be worker 1 and 2. Call them Laurel and Hardy. Bert and Ernie. Something to give them a little personality?

INT. POLICE STATION - DETECTIVE ROOM - DAY

Wouldn't it be, um more detectivish if these guys were at the scene of the crime investigating for themselves instead of reading about it in the paper?

Wait wait wait. So Bill calls out the chief on something, who then responds by wanting to jump Fred's bones, who then changes form into the creature? All in half a page? What a twist! x 3

Why would Fred confess to every crime he can think of? Shoplifting? Forgery? Slander? Movie pirating? That doesn't make sense. Not a scary threat. Not even a real one.

Your not you're while watering the lawn. (What wife waters the lawn?

He starts the car, drives off. The next door neighbors miles as he drives away. POINTED TEETH. The neighbor has the teeth I assume? Why not just say he smiles with pointed teeth?

Why go to the library? Can't he just google the info he's looking for?

The librarian just ASSUMES a child accusing rape is a mythical monster? Um, no. And a random nun buys it too?

3 "its" in a row on the left side of page 11's first action block is unfortunate. Now he googles it? So why even bother going to the library?

Page 12 and Fred and Bill are right back at the cemetery again? What happened to Carl? Then the wife, the real wife shows up at the cemetery too, out of the blue???

Ok, this is..... this needs work. I know you took a complete story and crammed it into 15 pages and it shows. This is almost all action with all the plot points and beats being tossed aside. And I don't know if it's worth trying to rewrite as the premise for the OWC is subpar. Plus, I don't really see the reason to rewrite a 15 page synopsis of a story you've already fully written.  Is it worth the time?

What I think would be interesting, is if you expanded upon the first scene of the boys at the cemetery. What if you wrote it as a type of horror/fantasy with the boys actually living out their game in their imaginations? Carl (I'm assuming) can be the DM narrator's voice as he leads the friends through a graveyard full of skeletons, rats, snakes, werewolves to the crypt with the creature inside? The boys fight with swords and magic and armor, hell even have the library girl as a friend in their game group who plays along with them. Maybe over time they become estranged which could help explain why she so quickly buys the creature theory later on? Somehow the creature in the game becomes real and invades the real world, or they play their game on a ouija board and summit somehow into real life only to haunt them later.

Of course I'm assuming the first scene was a game of D&D. I'm not sure and that's not good. Boys don't usually carry around glowing necklaces and read newspapers about martial law and body mutilations. But as the scene seems to be written as real life maybe I'm wrong.

Also, what if you wrote the story as if it was a modern day D&D campaign? Bill has to go on a quest to kill this monster from his childhood. Along the way he forms a party, finds some powerful treasure, (like the blessed brass dagger), gets stuck in some traps, stays overnight at a few hotels(inns), levels up somehow. That would be cool. A D&D movie but in disguise.

However, this is just too big a story for a short.  At least in the way it's written. The concept of a Rakshasha as a movie monster is a cool one and I love anything D&D related but this isn't living up to the promise of the concept.

Sorry, I just couldn't get through this. Big picture, I think you're missing out on the fun stuff in a revenge tale. And I wish I could actually think of a good horror revenge movie but my brain is mush right now and all I'm coming up with is I Know What You Did Last Summer. Which is a laughably bad example. But it'll still work...

Because that has a group of people who actually did something wrong, tried to bury the secret, and now it's back to get them. So all the guilt/secrets/lies are coming back to haunt them. And, on the flip side, there's an enemy who at least on some level you can empathize with.

Your story starts with a pure evil creature who murders people. The kids were right to run away and trap the creature in the crypt. They didn't do anything wrong. And I don't feel much of anything for the soulless monster who's angry about his killing spree being cut short.

So, I'd suggest a much different opening. Maybe they find the creature when it's like a baby or something. Or, it's in a more helpless form. And, being stupid kids, they throw sticks at it and severely injure it and trap it in a crypt. Now it's out and grown and exacting vengeance.

Title is confusing and sounds too close to Double Indemnity. I had to Google that word, Enmity.

It appears this is abridged from a feature-length script of yours. That sounds problematic right out of the gate.

I love the witty copyright notice.

"LATE AFTERNOON" could just as easily be "DAY"

"(to the group)" is unnecessary. Who else would he be talking to?

I think "Young" is redundant and unnecessary.

Quoted Text YOUNG BILLY Not yet.  Search for monsters.

Extra space.

I agree; the monster shouldn't speak. Especially the dialogue you gave him.

Quoted Text The creature blah blah blah. Billy grabs his fruiend's arm blah blah blah

You seriously need to break this up into SEVERAL paragraphs. Way too much going on here.

"It angrily screams." I would change to "The creature."

INSERT: TWENTY YEARS LATER

That should be a SUPER.

You're having issues with extra spaces after a word.

Worker 1/Worker One. Leep it consistent.

Characters not capped. Big mistake and very confusing.

We can guess that ARIANNE HERNANDEZ is Hispanic.

"each step she talks." Takes?

So did Arianna turn into the creature? I'm lost.

So he's a shape-shifter?

Does she say that in her voice or the creature's?

Break up some of those busy action lines.

"[Your] eyes. They're different."

"Read min[d]s."

The librarian banter reads like a pisser.

Had to Google Rakshasa or whatever.

A nun??? WTF? And when does a Nun talk like that?

Sotto??? Had to Google this.

Too confusing for me. Not too bad, but it could've been worse. Half the characters could have been deleted or merged. I couldn't keep track of who was who.

Way too much going on here for a short. Sorry, Dan.  

Immediately thought of King's It for some reason, not necessarily a bad thing.

Was confused by the kids names, on the first page you use Fred, Freddie and Young Freedie... I'd stick to just one as it makes for a less confusing read.

Not entirely sure you are using INSERT in the standard way... normally it's used to bring the focus onto a particular thing in the scene, like a newspaper headline or the screen of a phone or laptop. I think some of these (all?) should be SUPER.

Page 4 and 5, I'm confused...

The morphing into different characters and I'm really getting SK's It now.

Page 7, some of the dialogue is throwing me...

I'd be careful with the CAPS, e.g. bottom of page 7 you CAP House, but the slug tells us we are outside a house so it isn;t needed... also LATER is usually used when the location hasn't changed, you use it here and we don;t really know what time of day it now is.

I'm on Page 9 and i've realised that you mentioned 6 pre-teen boys at the start and then intro 3 of them... are the other 3 important? If not i'd just drop them.

A swearing 60 yr old Nun, not sure if it was meant to make me laugh, but it did. Also an I'm nit picking, but why would a Catholic Nun know to stop a child running in a library?

Not buying the wife killing, she doesn't speak to him like a concerned wife, not convinced she'd be lured to a cemetery.

The end is abrupt to say the least.

Lots of ideas in here but it's too busy for my taste.

The ending definitely appears rush, and I think that's the pace of the whole story. It's rushed. It seems like scenes are missing. I also agree that the police department scene with boss plays until the real boss enters and it's no on notices anything. It is this scene that I think to myself this could work if it was a horror/comedy but otherwise it's a common horror pitfall.

That scene does set up the wife's death. However, I did find it strange that Fred was so quick to stab Heather with no test. Again, I think this falls into my overall impression of "rushed."

BLB

Thanks, guys.

You're right.  It was so rushed.  The 15-page limit was terrible.  I never should have tried to adapt a feature into something so short.  


For my rewrite, I've gone to the prologue of the story, showing everyone what leads up to the fight.

I keep running into a huge issue where my stories tackle things far too deep for a short.

Anthony, I loved IT because I thought it was a Rakshasa initially.  I loved It all the way until the last 30 min or so.  I won't spoil it for anyone who hasn't seen it.

About the only thing that my story and It have in common is that they are both shapeshifters.  

But, Pennywise's powers were more illusionary, the Rakshasa's powers can include illusions, but, can do real manifestations as well.  Some were thought to be so powerful that they created worlds.  Rakshasas are truly scary creatures.

And what works in the feature is that throughout the entire story, his hesitation costs him each time as the creature harms/kills/entraps someone.  The setup for the wife fits the end.  The one time he rushes in (ironically to try to save his wife)...

Dan

Hey Dan

It wasn't just the similarity in monsters, it was the fact that you have a bunch of kids defeat the monster and then have to defeat it again in adulthood.

But hey I'm sure you feature has loads of things that are different too;

Anthony

Quoted from AnthonyCawood Hey Dan It wasn't just the similarity in monsters, it was the fact that you have a bunch of kids defeat the monster and then have to defeat it again in adulthood. But hey I'm sure you feature has loads of things that are different too; Anthony

True.  There are some similar elements.  In the prologue, you'll see why the kids get involved.  

I've decided to submit a different short, based on the same movie.

You guys were right, it's too hard to slice 70+ pages from a script and not have any time to set up and flesh out the story.

You also don't understand why he shoots his wife at the end.  He's really convinced that she's the creature, based on what happened in the story.

So, realistically, this was my only play.  To do a prologue that shows how the kids get to where they are.  It is self-contained, so, that's good.  However, the ending will piss some people off.  

I hope you guys like it better or at least can see the potential.

I really believe this story has a lot of potential.  

I've submitted the rewrite, so, it should be fun.

Dan

Hey Dan,

very dynamic and entertaining story.
There was a lot going.
I loved that dialogs and the twist with Heathers death.
You have a great story and 15 sites are definitely too short for this one
Keep it up!

Pedro

Sorry, man. Lots of issues here. Kind of a mess, actually. Not even a big fan of the title. Gets caught up in the mouth somehow.

I will hold off on my narrative gripes for now. I don't know how many of them are a result of the page limit or mining scenes from a feature. I'd imagine a few. I see you've submitted a rewrite, so I'll wait to see what changes you've made in this department.

Dialogue is an issue, though. I started off citing specific lines that were problematic but opted to stop when they started to add up. Some are simply on-the-nose, while others are either cliche or just plain awkward. Little of it seems to have any flow or style. It almost seems like placeholder dialogue, where you get the basics of what needs to be communicated down on paper but not in the way it'd actually be spoken. I can provide examples if you like.

The basic premise is fine. You've made an interesting choice of creature, whose mythos I'd be interested in learning more about. I also like the Stephen King-ish idea of unfinished business from childhood on the part of the adult protagonists. Unfortunately, the plot suffers in the details.

Nowhere is this more apparent than in the creature's proposal:

"You have a choice. Confess to every crime that you can think of, suffer total isolation in prison."

First off, it's not a choice; the creature doesn't provide a second option. Are we to assume it will simply torment Fred until he gives in? That might work if it weren't for the creature's efforts weren't so ridiculous. Getting him to kill his wife was genuinely insidious, but that's unfortunately out of character, given the rest of the time, it's trying to make him look like a pervert or something.

Also: "Confess to every crime that you can think of, suffer total isolation in prison."

What kind of goofy Austin Powers shit is this? Have you considered the logistics of this at all? Not only is it laughable, it makes the creature look stupid. Really, almost everything the creature does has that effect.

I'll provide a simple remedy here, though. Why not just have Fred confess to the mutilations in the cemetery? Wouldn't that make more sense? I mean, at least he has some kind of connection there. Still, that only solves half the problem; I think you need a clear-cut consequence for Fred not doing what the creature asks, beyond everything just going completely batshit crazy.

Speaking of the cemetery mutilations... martial law? Really? Why not just say "curfew instated" or something? Martial law is in keeping only with the general silliness of the rest of the script, which you probably don't want at all if this is meant to be taken seriously.

Finally page 11... "sotto." Never heard this one before. Care to elaborate?

Anyway, I think the idea has potential. Unfortunately, I think the script itself might just be a do-over. I'm honestly not sure. I'd be interested to know more about what went into writing this (I've only skimmed the comments here, so I'm not entirely sure). If not a result of the page count, I'd guess it was a rushed effort.

Holy crap. This story was a victim of the page limit. I still enjoyed it.

It was like a super fast paced, better version of "It Follows". I could see this working as a fun feature.

Good writing, quick pace. You just need a wider canvas.

This gets a thumbs up from me.

~Zack~

Quoted from James McClung Sorry, man. Lots of issues here. Kind of a mess, actually. Not even a big fan of the title. Gets caught up in the mouth somehow. I will hold off on my narrative gripes for now. I don't know how many of them are a result of the page limit or mining scenes from a feature. I'd imagine a few. I see you've submitted a rewrite, so I'll wait to see what changes you've made in this department. Dialogue is an issue, though. I started off citing specific lines that were problematic but opted to stop when they started to add up. Some are simply on-the-nose, while others are either cliche or just plain awkward. Little of it seems to have any flow or style. It almost seems like placeholder dialogue, where you get the basics of what needs to be communicated down on paper but not in the way it'd actually be spoken. I can provide examples if you like. The basic premise is fine. You've made an interesting choice of creature, whose mythos I'd be interested in learning more about. I also like the Stephen King-ish idea of unfinished business from childhood on the part of the adult protagonists. Unfortunately, the plot suffers in the details. Nowhere is this more apparent than in the creature's proposal: "You have a choice. Confess to every crime that you can think of, suffer total isolation in prison." First off, it's not a choice; the creature doesn't provide a second option. Are we to assume it will simply torment Fred until he gives in? That might work if it weren't for the creature's efforts weren't so ridiculous. Getting him to kill his wife was genuinely insidious, but that's unfortunately out of character, given the rest of the time, it's trying to make him look like a pervert or something. Also: "Confess to every crime that you can think of, suffer total isolation in prison." What kind of goofy Austin Powers shit is this? Have you considered the logistics of this at all? Not only is it laughable, it makes the creature look stupid. Really, almost everything the creature does has that effect. I'll provide a simple remedy here, though. Why not just have Fred confess to the mutilations in the cemetery? Wouldn't that make more sense? I mean, at least he has some kind of connection there. Still, that only solves half the problem; I think you need a clear-cut consequence for Fred not doing what the creature asks, beyond everything just going completely batshit crazy. Speaking of the cemetery mutilations... martial law? Really? Why not just say "curfew instated" or something? Martial law is in keeping only with the general silliness of the rest of the script, which you probably don't want at all if this is meant to be taken seriously. Finally page 11... "sotto." Never heard this one before. Care to elaborate? Anyway, I think the idea has potential. Unfortunately, I think the script itself might just be a do-over. I'm honestly not sure. I'd be interested to know more about what went into writing this (I've only skimmed the comments here, so I'm not entirely sure). If not a result of the page count, I'd guess it was a rushed effort.

Hey James,
Thanks so much for reading it.  Some of your complaints were from my terrible choice to cut this from feature length down to 15 pages.  That really hurt me, but the thing that bugs me the most is that I really didn't see how problematic it ended up being.  

I must be smarter in the future or what tiny miniscule odds that I will ever sell anything will surely vanish.  This is 4 projects in a row that I chose subject matter that had a snowballs chance in hell of having a good positive outcome.

The actual title is "City in Fear" which makes it much easier to say.  I took the title because of the enmity it feels for the lead.

The creature wants him to suffer.  Forever.  It wants to see his loved ones suffer as well.  This goes back to the movie, but the entire thing is how it goes after him and either causes havoc in his image (leaving the cop to clean up the mess) or it kills people he loves while in the cop's image.

All the while the paranoia our hero experiences since it can look like anyone gets ramped up to a billion.

Funny you should mention the laws it wants the cop to profess to.  It doesn't understand human anything.  It can read the cop's mind, know how bad people go to prison, but not understand the rules behind the laws.  

If you read the revamped version, you will understand why they ask for martial law and call in the national guard.  

The new version shows how all the "chess pieces" end up where they do.  It's a much smaller story and I only had to cut four LINES, a huge change for me.  

Lastly, sotto is short for sotto voce, which translates to quiet voice.  I've seen it in plenty of screenplays over the years.  Most abbreviate it as just sotto.  It is used when you want to have someone say something aloud, but not heard by anyone else.

Thanks again for reading this.
Dan

Quoted from Zack Holy crap. This story was a victim of the page limit. I still enjoyed it. It was like a super fast paced, better version of "It Follows". I could see this working as a fun feature. Good writing, quick pace. You just need a wider canvas. This gets a thumbs up from me. ~Zack~

Thanks so much Zach.  I know it needs a lot of work.  I never should have attempted to cram a feature length down to so few pages.  The rewrite has a much more narrow focus.  

Funny you mentioned It Follows.  I haven't seen it, but know plenty about it.  That could be that writer's version of a rakshasa.  

I know that if I was being chased like the never ending STD that the creature is, I'd to Amsterdam, have sex with 5 prostitutes, hope they have sex with others from different countries, wait for the creature to walk to each of those countries, go home in the USA and die from old age before it gets back.

Thanks again for the read.  Hope you like the rewrite better.
Dan

Error when trying to open...anyone else?

Yep, Don, I'm also getting a 404 on this one.

Fixed the link.  Apologies.

- Don

Hey Dan,

i liked what you did with the story.
From a religious occultly monster movie to a crime meets horror story.
The end came a little a sudden, but it's totally understandable by the 15 pages limitation.
The office scene was entertaining, but maybe too long? But I liked it - thumbs up.

You gave the story a new soul and I think, that's what a rewriting is for - so great work.
The open end with the children is a great add.

Pedro

Dan, is this meant to be a 'short' self contained story?
Judging by the end it's not.

I'll have some notes for you soon either way.

Quoted from LC Dan, is this meant to be a 'short' self contained story? Judging by the end it's not. I'll have some notes for you soon either way.

LIBBY, how I have missed thee!!!

Thank you for reading it.  

The first draft was the movie being cut from 90 pages to 15.  So, with this rewrite, I tried to set up how the chess pieces get to where they do.  

If you don't know, it's about a supernatural creature who escapes a mistakenly created prison that our protagonist locks it in.  Once iit escapes, it goes after the kid, now a good cop (and better man) as the creature seeks to ruin his life.

The creature is truly frightening in that not only can it read  minds, assume any form (within reason, it can't become like Godzilla for example), doesn't fear sunlight, but worse of all is that it can only be killed in one way.

If I missed any words spelled Iff instead of if, for some reason, my kindle does that.  The text is small and can be hard to read.

I'll be on my computer tomorrow.

Feel free to contact me Libby, you're always welcome!!

Talk to you and everyone else later.

Dan

Hey Dan,

Obviously, this is completely different than the previous draft. Still, the overall writing is an improvement, especially early on. Almost feels like a completely different writer at times. The narrative is also much more coherent, so my issues with the first draft as they relate to plot no longer apply.

Still, some dialogue issues remain, although not nearly to the same extent or even in the same ways as before, necessarily. Lots of characters talking to themselves, often in an expository way, which not only feels unnatural but also cheap. The only instance where it seemed to make sense was with Dylan, but he's probably saying he was dead far too late for someone who's clearly been on the run for some time. This issue was especially problematic in regards to the "oil," which really never needed to be established as oil in the first place.

Nick's frankness with his Captain/fellow cops about the supernatural aspect of the case was similarly unrealistic. No hesitance on his part to come forth with this information? The brazenness of his suggestion almost makes him look like a bad cop, even though he's ultimately correct in the end. Nevertheless, I still don't buy this whole martial-law thing. Again, why not just have them instate a curfew?

I think the biggest issue with your story thus far is the creature. Again, a rakshasa is an interesting choice, but for a so-called shapeshifter, there's hardly any cunning on its part. It shows up in places/at moments that simply make no sense for the people it's supposed to be imitating and where its prospective victims should have the sense to be immediately suspicious. And yet, hardly anyone ever asks what they ("they" being the imitated person) are doing alone on a deserted street (at one point, it seems to be mentioned as a joke by the rakshasa itself).

When Nick calls out the creature for not being his son, it immediately caves and reveals itself... why? It wouldn't try to maintain its ruse for even a moment? Again, a shapeshifter implies some sort of cunning, at least to me. Also, why is Nick not terrified of a giant bipedal tiger?

The line about blessed bullets is a perfect example of what's wrong with some of the dialogue here. It's corny, blatantly expository, and doesn't make sense for the rakshasa to even say, even if revealing its weakness weren't an issue. Really, for such a unique creature, most of its action make it look completely stupid and pathetic.

One issue remains from the first draft, despite the complete revamp of scenes and general improvement of the plot. I'm not sure how effective it is from a horror perspective to go from one murder scene to another with essentially the exact same setup and no buffer. It's more predictable each time, and without substantial time in between scenes, it leaves one desensitized to the effects of the gore. Obviously, you're squeezing a bunch of feature scenes into a short, so perhaps this is more a note for the feature if these are indeed the same first 15 pages.

Anyway, an improvement, but still some issues to be worked out. Hope this helps.

Hi Dan, back from a week of ripping freshies in Colorado.

I started to give this a read, but stopped pretty quickly, sorry to say.  Lots and lots of real issues on your first 2 pages.  Let's check 'em out...

Page 1 - Your opening Slug (setting) doesn't work at all, and causes me to have literally no clue where this scene is taking place.  Your Slug is "HOTEL RASKIN", then you have some sort of Mini below it (which is a mistake in itself), saying "THIRD FLOOR".  But, we're outside, so what exactly am I supposed to be seeing?  Where are they?  What kind of hotel has an EXT 3rd floor, and what does it look like?  If your intent is to be on the balcony of a 3rd floor room, then you need to tell us this in the Slug...or show it in an action/description line.

Bottom line is this and I ALWAYS say this...over and over and over again - you have to set your scenes (when in a new scene, or when something has changed from the last time we were in the scene).  You have not done that at all - there is zero visual writing here, and because of it, I am immediately completely lost.

The "REVEAL" showing a baby in one of Dylan's hands and a gun in the other is another head scratcher for me, as I don't know how he could hold a 6 month old baby in one hand, and the dangling over the railing - as in what railing"

Dialogue from all 3 characters is phony and completely unrealistic.

Now, all of a sudden, we have bystanders on every floor watching this?  What kind of hotel are we in?  So Brian gets shot and falls backwards onto concrete?  Again, what kind of hotel is this and where are we exactly?  I have no clue.

And then Dylan drops the baby into the pool, 3 floors down?  As in, the pool is underneath wherever they are on the 3rd floor?

So then, Nick jumps up on this railing and dives into the pool?  Is anyone swimming in the pool already?  What happens to Dylan?  Or Brian?  Because suddenly, without a change in scenes or Slugs, we're apparently now down in the pool.

I mean, brother...c'mon.  This is so outlandish and unrealistic, you have to get what I'm saying...hopefully.  Just doesn't make a whole lot of sense and this is your opening scene.

I wish I could be more positive.

Hi James and Jeff.  You're both right.  

Jeff, thanks for explaining how I wrote the opening scene wrong.  That's a big help to me.  Now, I know how I should have written that.  

I should never have tried to adapt a feature into a 15 min story.  I guess that's another hard lesson learned.  Or at least never attempt to do it with a creature as complex as the Rakshasa.  

I think I will write the other idea that I had for the horror event.  

The hotel was a 5 story hotel that had a pool.  I guess I didn't do well in explaining it.  

So, how should that have been written?  Is it simply

EXT. RASKIN HOTEL - CENTRAL STAIRCASE - DAY
The Raksin Hotel has five floors.  A STANDOFF currently exists on the third floor.  Bystanders from other floors watch the scene unfold.  

Then launch into characters, then scene?

And you're right, I try to explain too much.  You're right, the Rakshasa would never let its weakness be known.  

Some of the issues that I had, well, the biggest one, was the 15-page limit.  The creature simply doesn't have enough time to act smart.  

As for people being suspicious, I don't know.  If I went to the show and I saw an old friend of mine that I hadn't seen in years, I wouldn't think much about that.  Same with a supermarket.  

I should have let the meetings happen in a more public place, but, if you ran into an old friend unexpectedly, why would you be suspicious?  Unless your friend acts differently than you expect, which it won't since it bases how it acts on your own thoughts), what would lead to suspicion?  

Thanks again for reading it guys.  I hope to expand it into a feature one day.  

Dan

Dan, I did a quick search and don't see any Raskin Hotels, so I'm assuming this is a made up name - which is fine.  But, we don't know where we are in terms of the country, city, town, etc, and these all make a difference.

Point is that you didn't set your scene at all. No descriptions of anything, including this hotel.  Most hotels that I am familiar with do not have exterior open areas of concrete at this kind of level, nor do they have pools below them that patrons can jump into, or toss babies into.

Where did Dylan just disappear to?  Why didn't he shoot the other cop?  Why were there all these bystanders around?

Just doesn't make any sense and comes off like you didn't think about your details before writing...which you need to do.

Quoted from DanC As for people being suspicious, I don't know.  If I went to the show and I saw an old friend of mine that I hadn't seen in years, I wouldn't think much about that.  Same with a supermarket.   I should have let the meetings happen in a more public place, but, if you ran into an old friend unexpectedly, why would you be suspicious?  Unless your friend acts differently than you expect, which it won't since it bases how it acts on your own thoughts), what would lead to suspicion?

I'd agree, except none of the characters ran into an old friend at a show or a supermarket; they ran into an old friend late at night on a deserted road in a part of town that seems to be in ruins. I mean, here's your exact description:

"The downtrodden area showcases closed shops, empty houses, burnt-out buildings, graffiti, cemetery. Abandoned."

You hit something with your car, you pull over, get out, and "run into an old friend." I mean, it'd be unnerving to run into *anyone* under these circumstances. An old friend would be even more bizarre. At the very least, wouldn't you be curious what they were doing *here* of all places? Who would come to a place like this other than to bury a dead body or something?

I mean, maybe I'm not picturing this right. Maybe it's just a shady part of town but populated and not necessarily in ruins. But you went out of your way to say it's "abandoned." Plus the mention of the cemetery led me to believe it was the dilapidated cemetery from earlier.

Plus Nick apparently suspects a shape-shifting creature to be behind these murders. Otherwise why would he mention it to the other police? He "runs into" his son at the very same place described above, a crime scene. How would his son even have gotten here? Does he live around the corner? He clearly doesn't have a car or anything.

You mention the supermarket. Indeed, Dylan's remains are found in the produce section of one (although he was supposedly killed in the cemetery). Why would the creature leave his remains here? Why not just leave them in the cemetery?

Your comments caught me off guard somewhat. I had to go back into the script to see if I had missed something. I don't think I have... have I? My conclusion at this point is that if I am confused somehow, it's that you haven't communicated what is happening in the script clearly enough, but if you think I'm wrong, please explain.

Indeed, I think you bit off a little more than you can chew here. I sympathize; I've done it many times before. But I don't think what you've got is working at the moment.

Opening scene written confusingly, but still better than the first draft.

Wait a minute! Cell Phone video in 1988?

Quoted Text "oh yeah, I’m getting it from a chick your age,"

How are you going to show this on screen?

"THUMP, THUMP, THUMP" looks too much like "TRUMP, TRUMP, TRUMP."

Wait. Is this still 1988?

Quoted Text Clothes vs sex? Sex wins.

Unfilmable?

Had to Google creeper. I'm still stumped.

Finished. Okaaay. The good news is, it was far better -- and slightly more coherent -- than the first draft. I still didn't understand 100 percent what I was reading, but it wasn't as convoluted as the first go-round.

Fair job.

Quoted from Dreamscale Dan, I did a quick search and don't see any Raskin Hotels, so I'm assuming this is a made up name - which is fine.  But, we don't know where we are in terms of the country, city, town, etc, and these all make a difference. Point is that you didn't set your scene at all. No descriptions of anything, including this hotel.  Most hotels that I am familiar with do not have exterior open areas of concrete at this kind of level, nor do they have pools below them that patrons can jump into, or toss babies into. Where did Dylan just disappear to?  Why didn't he shoot the other cop?  Why were there all these bystanders around? Just doesn't make any sense and comes off like you didn't think about your details before writing...which you need to do.

Thanks so much Jeff.

This is for Jeff and anyone else:  Can you show me how it should be done, correctly.  I learn best when I can see the wrong way (how I did it) with the correct way.  

You're right, I do need to work these out.  This is an issue that I deal with, honestly.  My "mind's eye" is blurry, to say the least.  I'd liken it to trying to explain a complex movie after only an hour of sleep, over 2 days.  There are times when I literally can't picture it.  It does suck.

As to your point, Dylan took the time to run away while everyone focused on the baby.  As for the bystanders, I don't see the problem.  I mean, if you're at a hotel and there's a lot of screaming and cop cars and other things going on, wouldn't you investigate?  

I just figured that a bunch of people staying at the hotel would check out what's going on.  

Am I wrong?  Obviously, I described it wrong...

lmk
thanks
Dan

Quoted from James McClung I'd agree, except none of the characters ran into an old friend at a show or a supermarket; they ran into an old friend late at night on a deserted road in a part of town that seems to be in ruins. I mean, here's your exact description: "The downtrodden area showcases closed shops, empty houses, burnt-out buildings, graffiti, cemetery. Abandoned." You hit something with your car, you pull over, get out, and "run into an old friend." I mean, it'd be unnerving to run into *anyone* under these circumstances. An old friend would be even more bizarre. At the very least, wouldn't you be curious what they were doing *here* of all places? Who would come to a place like this other than to bury a dead body or something? I mean, maybe I'm not picturing this right. Maybe it's just a shady part of town but populated and not necessarily in ruins. But you went out of your way to say it's "abandoned." Plus the mention of the cemetery led me to believe it was the dilapidated cemetery from earlier. Plus Nick apparently suspects a shape-shifting creature to be behind these murders. Otherwise why would he mention it to the other police? He "runs into" his son at the very same place described above, a crime scene. How would his son even have gotten here? Does he live around the corner? He clearly doesn't have a car or anything. You mention the supermarket. Indeed, Dylan's remains are found in the produce section of one (although he was supposedly killed in the cemetery). Why would the creature leave his remains here? Why not just leave them in the cemetery? Your comments caught me off guard somewhat. I had to go back into the script to see if I had missed something. I don't think I have... have I? My conclusion at this point is that if I am confused somehow, it's that you haven't communicated what is happening in the script clearly enough, but if you think I'm wrong, please explain. Indeed, I think you bit off a little more than you can chew here. I sympathize; I've done it many times before. But I don't think what you've got is working at the moment.

Hey James,

Thanks again for doing this.  I really appreciate it.  

There were cell phones in the 80s.  According to Wikipedia, the Motorola DynaTAC had a function that allowed people to store information.  I took that to mean that it could store conversations etc.  

I guess I screwed that part up.  It was supposed to be an audio recording, not video.  

You've never seen "the look" guys give each other when they know they are gonna get laid?  I thought that'd be easy to film.  That smirk, smile, nod etc.  

Clothes vs sex, sex wins.  That's easily filmable.  He looks at his high-priced clothes, then looks at his date.  You can have him look twice, check out her chest, shrug and get the creeper out.  

OK, the creeper.  Here's what it looks like:
http://www.sears.com/tools-mechanics-auto-tools-creepers/b-1028903

It's got 4 wheels and that's what mechanics get on to get under the car while the car is on the ground.  I had to google it too, so, don't feel too bad.

The guy is mega-rich.  I thought the fact that he had a cell phone at all would be a giveaway that he was quite wealthy.  

I didn't have time to show this, but, the Rakshasa actually hunts for his victims during the day, then executes his plan at night, under cover of the darkness.  

I admit that I bit off more than I could chew.  I need to get a better understanding of shorts and how much you can cram in them.  I blew it.  I think the creature is amazing, and I really blew it...

I hope I can make the feature length what I envision in my head...

As for it being not very coherent, can you site examples and how I might be able to fix them?

I have a feeling that several things we might not agree on.

If I was in a cemetery and I ran across my best friend from high school, I really don't think I'd be freaked out...  At least until she bit me and drank my flesh like you'd drink a sundae through a straw...

Yep, I screwed up.  It was pretty abandoned.  It wanted to kill him in a part of town that was "safe" that it wouldn't be seen by someone else.  

I guess my ability to accept the preposterous is too high

Nick talking about the shapeshifting ability of the Rakshasa is meant more as a context for us, the viewer.  And that's a big no-no.   The cop was half-kidding, but, honestly, they are all extremely freaked out.  I mean, they heard the same voice (and deduce the fact that he looked the same to the victim) and that isn't anything they've ever dealt with before.  

I mean, I could go with a curfew, but, honestly, if there was a shapeshifter in town, how would the local authorities react?  What would you do in the real world we live in?

You're right, the cemetery is the same one where the crypt is located.  I'm kinda in a bind.  The creature is super smart, for a being that is thousands of years old.  However, it isn't technologically smart, so, it doesn't really "get" the world of today.  It can read your mind, and know what you know, but, you know that saying, book smart, real world dumb.  

So, I have to write a creature that is smart and cunning, but, at the same time, behind the times and a bit simple when it comes to technology.  It's smart enough to not have dead bodies pile up near the crypt, or even in the crypt.  They may sleep on a bed of bugs, but, they also like nice things.  

James, you aren't wrong, and I thank you so much for taking the time to read my story.  It means so much to me that you are willing to have long conversations about an idea of mine.  

I really appreciate it and if you ever need anything read, just ask!!

Let me ask you this- you know the premise of the creature and what it can do.  How would you present it?  Perhaps if I have an idea how someone else would set up the story, it can show me where my logic falters.  

Thanks so much again,
Dan

Quoted from ChrisBodily Opening scene written confusingly, but still better than the first draft. Wait a minute! Cell Phone video in 1988? How are you going to show this on screen? "THUMP, THUMP, THUMP" looks too much like "TRUMP, TRUMP, TRUMP." Wait. Is this still 1988? Unfilmable? Had to Google creeper. I'm still stumped. Finished. Okaaay. The good news is, it was far better -- and slightly more coherent -- than the first draft. I still didn't understand 100 percent what I was reading, but it wasn't as convoluted as the first go-round. Fair job.

Hey, Chris, part of my last message was also meant for you.  thank you so much for reading the story too.  

I guess my biggest hope is that you can take the time to show me how I should do certain parts and do it the correct way.  

I need to get better.  I've gone from overly descriptive to too barren.  I need to find a happy medium.  

I won't enter any contest or anything b/c until I can write something good, I'd be donating money to the contest.  And I know I have a very long way to go.  

If you, or anyone, wants to pm me, or contact me at dancam1@yahoo.com, I'd appreciate it.

Thanks again to everyone who spent time with my story.

All I can say is that while I'm discouraged right now, I will try to learn from this and do better in the future.  I think I'm getting better.... I hope...

I'm trying new things to expand my storytelling.  You all know about my struggles with health, but,  that won't help me win anything.  I need to overcome all of that to achieve my dreams.  

And I certainly know that I won't forget each person who helped me along the way.  

I can't imagine how bad I'd be without this site.  Best choice I made in decades of my life.  Seriously.  

Thanks again
Dan

Dan, here's what I suggest...and I suggest this to everyone, good writer,bad writer, Pro writer.

Long before you start the actual writing on your computer, you need to know the details of your story.

You need to know who your characters are, and that includes lots and lots of details about them that will not show up onscreen, or be revealed in dialogue.  Who peeps really are shows through their actions, reactions, and dialogue.  Peeps act the way they do for a reason, and you, the writer, need to know who your characters are.

You need to also know where you story is taking place, be that a real place or a made up place.  And this is super important to you, because, based on what I'm reading of yours, it seems to me you don't have the slightest clue where you've set your story.  Life in a big city is much different than life in the suburbs, and life in the suburbs of San Francisco is much different than life in the suburbs of Green Bay, WI.  You need to know what's in your locales and how much time it would take to get from A to B, etc.

Does that make sense?

Quoted from DanC I didn't have time to show this, but, the Rakshasa actually hunts for his victims during the day, then executes his plan at night, under cover of the darkness.

Not sure if this was meant for me or Chris (indeed, everything before it was for Chris), but is this even important? I was under the impression that the Rakshasa would simply pick off anyone who was unlucky enough to stumble upon its territory. This was not an issue for me. It seems no make no difference if it hunts by day or night.

Quoted from DanC If I was in a cemetery and I ran across my best friend from high school, I really don't think I'd be freaked out...  At least until she bit me and drank my flesh like you'd drink a sundae through a straw...

In a regular cemetery, sure. In an creepy, abandoned cemetery, why wouldn't you be? I mean, even without an explicitly looming threat, why would you run into a friend from high school in a place like this? What would someone -- really, *anyone* -- be doing here? I mean, sure, you might not be immediately threatened or suspicious, per se, but wouldn't a pressing question be, WTF are they doing in a creepy, abandoned cemetery in a deserted part of town with nobody around?

I mean, these are super obvious, in-your-face issues to me. There's an answer to these questions, of course: it's not an old friend but a Rakshasa who has taken the form of an old friend. That's fine. My issue is with how casual the characters react to seeing an old friend in the absolute unlikeliest of circumstances. It's simply not the same as running into a friend at a show, a grocery store, or an "ordinary" cemetery.

Honestly, I wouldn't have the Rakshasa take the form of a familiar face for any of these scenes. It just doesn't strike me as appropriate, given the circumstances. It seems like you wanna have your cake and eat it too in the sense that you can show what the Rakshasa is capable of but still have it take place in a creepy horror setting.

For Phil, why wouldn't it just take the form of a wounded deer? Phil just hit something with his car. It'd be the perfect disguise. All he'd have to do is get out of his car and move in for a closer look for the Rakshasa to do its thing.

For Dylan, it could just as easily take the form of a homeless person offering to hide him. It'd fit the environment, and Dylan really isn't in the position to refuse help from anyone.

For Nick, it could take the shape of one of his coworkers, even the Captain. If he had the foresight to come investigate the crime scene alone, why wouldn't any of them? Nick could become suspicious once he realizes there's no other police car around. Go from there.

Quoted from DanC Nick talking about the shapeshifting ability of the Rakshasa is meant more as a context for us, the viewer.  The cop was half-kidding, but, honestly, they are all extremely freaked out.

Looking back, this seems to be correct; he is basically kidding.

Quoted from DanC I mean, I could go with a curfew, but, honestly, if there was a shapeshifter in town, how would the local authorities react?  What would you do in the real world we live in?

So they would implement martial law because there's a shapeshifter in town? But the captain explicitly says there's no such thing as shapeshifters. So does he implement martial law because there's NOT a shapeshifter in town? I don't understand what you're getting at here. The script seems to contradict your statement above.

Quoted from DanC You're right, the cemetery is the same one where the crypt is located.  I'm kinda in a bind.  The creature is super smart, for a being that is thousands of years old.  However, it isn't technologically smart, so, it doesn't really "get" the world of today.  It can read your mind, and know what you know, but, you know that saying, book smart, real world dumb.

There's simply no way this benefits your story, unless it's supposed to be a comedy of errors or something. Why would you want a "dumb" creature? Why would you want "dumb" anything? It's a poor approach for a script of any kind but especially horror.

Furthermore, I just don't buy it. If the Rakshasa's been around for as long as it says it has, it will have had the time to understand humans better. Even more, it will have become more adept at the act of learning in and of itself.  

You mention it's not "technologically" smart, but how much does technology have to do with anything that happens in the script thus far? If anything, what little occurs in the script technologically speaking suggests the opposite. Not only does the creature know what a creeper is, it knows to call it a creeper. That's a start, ain't it?

Quoted from DanC So, I have to write a creature that is smart and cunning, but, at the same time, behind the times and a bit simple when it comes to technology.  It's smart enough to not have dead bodies pile up near the crypt, or even in the crypt.  They may sleep on a bed of bugs, but, they also like nice things.

Again, I don't see where the technology factors in. No, it doesn't have to have nice things. But it should have some idea of how its victims think and behave if it's gonna be any kind of effective predator. That's basic survival-of-the-fittest shit, ain't it? Otherwise how would it have been able to survive this long?

Of course, it could just throw deception to the wind and simply attack folks as a giant bipedal tiger. That'd do the trick just fine. But then what's the point of the shape-shifting?

Also, what is this creature doing when it's not hunting? Is it hibernating for decades on end? How is it "behind the times" if it's out in the world killing people? Am I missing something here?

Quoted from DanC Let me ask you this- you know the premise of the creature and what it can do.  How would you present it?  Perhaps if I have an idea how someone else would set up the story, it can show me where my logic falters.

I made some suggestions above. Basically, the creature should implement the disguises that are the most appropriate and advantageous for its situation. Have it avoid situations that are risky, i.e. when its disguise is obvious or it has to spend a lot of time "in character." On the flip side of that, have it take risks, i.e. attack in its true form, when it has a chance to get away with it. Ultimately, try to have it reveal itself as a last resort as much as possible, when definitively cornered or outsmarted.

I'd scale back on the gore until the third act and perhaps not even reveal the creature until the second act. Build some mystery as to how these folks died. Build some mystery around the "beings" that showed up around the times of their death, i.e. the Rakshasa in disguise. Draw it out and work on having a creature that revels in its prey being confused and without any suspects or leads.

Also, scale back on the exposition and take a little more time crafting some of your scenes. It seemed you haven't applied enough scrutiny to a lot of them and simply tried to get through everything as fast as you can. This would be fine if you opted for a werewolf or some kind of rabid beast, but you've instead opted for something that relies (or should rely) on being insidious and in the shadows. The story should reflect that.

All this written somewhat in haste with several interruptions. I hope it comes across as intended.

James and Jeff, thanks to both of you for responding.  James, you gave me some awesome ideas.

Honestly, the biggest issue was the page limit.  I felt extremely rushed and in both versions, it showed.

In my last 3 writing exercises on here, I've overshot the page limit by 30, 5, and 10 lines respectfully.  Bottom line is that if I am gonna do shorts with hard page limits, then I need to build the outline so that it fits into the parameters.  I have learned the hard way that I can't have success of any kind without that critical first step.

This was, and always been a feature length film.  I am amazed at how well Dena's story turned out since she plans to turn this into a feature length film.  Perhaps since it started out as a short first,that matters.  Well that and the fact that she's awesome and a much better writer than I am at this point in my career.

Thanks again
Dan

Here we go again.

The logline needs a rework. It's more foreshadowing than a down and dirty summary and tell the reader nothing about the story except it involves kids. But the short doesn't involve them until the very end.

I like this intro much better! Jump straight into some action and establish who the leads are right away.

But why don't these cops shoot back when shot at? Kinda lame they take fire and shrug it off like no big deal. Is Brian blacked out? Or just hurt?

And why is Nick so out of shape he can't swim with a baby in a hotel pool? Can't be that deep or that big of a pool.

Maybe show Dylan being chased by police so he darts into the graveyard to get away? Kinda strange to have him just appear there in the middle of the night.

"Phil passes the valet, makes eye contact with him, glances
at the back of Marin’s head, smiles at the valet with that
"oh yeah, I’m getting it from a chick your age," look." - I'm not sure what kinda look that is, but a line that needs work.

Who is Ragman? Make sure to CAP his name in action when we first see him. That would also help the reader figure out who the heck he is.

Kinda weird Phil just sees his buddy out of the blue after a car mishap at night. Yes this is probably the monster, but still doesn't excuse the weird interaction between them here. Just is very random. We don't know Phil at all, and care nothing about this old friendship. Gotta be a better way here to show off the monster.  And why is Phil targeted? Just bad luck?

After the car attack we are back at the police station and then to a bunch of kids. Here's the problems again in you are doing too much. 15 pages isn't enough room to weave 4 separate plots like this effectively. No offense, but there is kinda a lot of nothing going on because the story jumps around too much. I thought this was going to be a prologue to your full length story but I could have been mistaken. I think this coulda been much stronger if you focused on one story and knocked it outta the park. Either Phil, Dylan or the kids. Take your time and execute a nice tease for what's to come. You don't want to give the whole plot away, but hint as to what's going on. In this case a very deadly and dangerous shape shifting monster is on the loose. Lots of room to play with that idea.

Dan, why is this monster in this town?  Where is this town?  Where did the monster come from and why settle here?

You need to know these kinds of facts and then work them into your script.  If you don't know, there's a HUGE problem even before you begun writing.

Thanks again Cameron and Jeff.  The page limit really hurt me.  I had to cram so much that just as a few others said that the story is just action action action and not any time spent with anyone.  I never should have attempted this and my gut feeling about this was spot on.

I should have gone with a short that I wrote years ago and wanted to transform into a screenplay.

His death was just bad luck.  It was hungry and when it read the guy's mind, he didn't care if he ate him.

Jeff, good question, but it follows the rules of most monsters.  Since it feeds on humans, it constantly has to keep moving from country to country, city to city, etc.  It knows that its species has never been thrust into the spotlight, but is also weary of Hindu priests figuring out what it is.  

Incidentally, the other stories I was considering were
A supernatural creature possesses a person which turns it into a wendigo.  Humanity's only hope (since it can't be harmed by anything made from the earth) is another supernatural creature.  I might be nuts but this was another full length feature that I'd cut down.  A big difference is that this is a straight forward fight.  Not much intrigue.

The other story was about an id force that terrorizes a small community.  

Instead, I chose the most difficult one to do.  I need to be smarter going forward, or I can kiss whatever slim chance that I have to make it goodbye.

Jeff, I do all that work you suggest, and more, in my feature length stuff.  I guess I have to be just as, if not more than, meticulous in the future.  Very hard lesson learned.  Luckily, it didn't cost me any cash (like from a contest).

Thanks again guys,
Dan

The trick with a short is to try to take a small story and make it feel big, instead of taking a large story and making it look small.

Hey Dan,

I know you're already fully aware you tried to do too much here. Not trying to pile on. I'd say the easiest way to make this work as a short is just pick one group of characters and focus on them. Nick and his son. Phil and Marin. Even Dylan in the cemetery.

Brian Lewis has a horror short on the boards called Our Doors Are Always Open that's actually very similar to your scene with Dylan on pg. 3. A druggy with emotional baggage meets an evil manifest as an old acquaintance and his sins come back to haunt him. That's basically what you have, if you just focused on those two characters in that one scene and flesh it out a little.

You seem excited about how powerful and awesome this creature is. So highlight that and keep it contained. A contained little tale demonstrating how this thing can physically and emotionally destroy a person. You won't be able to do a whole police investigation. You won't be able to fit much of anything you're trying to fit in. Just show us one, powerful confrontation. A little taste, a little slice of the hell that's about to be unleashed.


Also, I can't tell if this is just a product of the page limit issues, but there's some scenes that really have no place in a short or feature. Specifically, page 2 with Nick at home with his son. Not that it shouldn't exist as a scene. But there's zero conflict whatsoever.

You just set up Nick in the first scene as this epic, daring, courageous cop. He can't also be a perfect dad and a perfect everything because that's not interesting. We want to see flawed characters.

Here's one way you could both create conflict within that scene and start to establish an overarching character flaw... Nick comes home and finds a big trophy Earl won at the science fair. So Nick missed his son's big moment. He apologizes, Earl says it's no big deal, but we can tell it bothers him. Now there's an underlying tension to the scene itself. And we're getting a sense that Nick being the perfect super cop doesn't leave much time for anything.

Hey Cameron and Mark,
   Can, I love that advice of making the short feel like a big huge story.  I will take this all in for my next story.

Mark, I tried to show him being a great cop and good dad so that at the end when he dies that it has dramatic impact and that people care.  One criticism of my work going as far back as college is that my characters are a bit flat and when they die, people don't care.

I know this has been said tons of times, but people who think writing is easy are nuts.  There's such a fine line of making a character too perfect or too flawed (like Vic Mackey in the Shield, or Dustin Hoffman in Hero)  or too crazy or not crazy enough, or pushing the envelope too far or not pushing it far enough

And let's not even talk about dialog, a subjects professional writers hardly worry about in a novel, nor taught iin college creative writing classes, but avoiding one on the nose can lead you to write on the nose on another topic.  

It's enough to make me want to pull out my few strands of hair follicles that I have left.  

But, then makes my blood boil as if I were a Klingon.  How it drives me and gives me energy to trek on.  People say I'm getting better and you guys have no reason to lie, but truthfully, I can see some of the mistakes in judgement and execution, whereas before, I was shocked at my first bad review, so slowly, I'm getting better.  

Thanks to all of you that have taken the time to help and take this journey with me.
Dan

Dan, will PM you my notes, tomorrow. Just tidying them up.

You've got a lot of good advice here. I'll try not to repeat what's already said.

Quoted from LC Dan, will PM you my notes, tomorrow. Just tidying them up. You've got a lot of good advice here. I'll try not to repeat what's already said.

Thanks, Libby, looking forward to reading your notes.  It's always good to hear from you.

Dan

Hey Dan, nice to see you around. I'm currently in New Mexico, but will fly home today. I'll give this a read when I'm back in Germany.

Quoted from Equinox Hey Dan, nice to see you around. I'm currently in New Mexico, but will fly home today. I'll give this a read when I'm back in Germany.

Hey bud,  long time, too long.

If you ever make it up to Buffalo, NY, you HAVE to look me up so we can go for a beer or something.  This is true for any of my friends on here.  What brought you all the way to NM??

Not sure if you read the comments, but I tried to turn a feature into a short.  It's much easier to turn a short into a feature than vice-versa.  Lesson learned.

I look forward to catching up with yoo.
Dan

Hey Dan,

I've been at Las Cruces International Film Festival because our film, The Wall In The Garden got in there. We got invitations like free hotel for 2 representants and VIP passes for all the celebrity events. Our director asked me to come, so I went and it was a unique experience. I wish I could show the film here some time, but currently I can't because it's still in consideration for further festivals, one of them being Cannes. Check out my facebook page, crazy pictures/videos on there. I met Johnny Galecki from the Big Bang Theory, Brendan Fraser, John Hedger from Napoleon Dynamite, some actors from the Wolf of Wallstreet, just to name a few. Crazy stuff. I had hoped some of the SimplyScripts people would be there, but seems like nobody made it to LC. Great film community there. They got the NMSU there, which runs a great film program. Las Cruces seems like little Hollywood - everybody in town is connected to film somehow. Also met Ross Marks and Mark Medoff who run the festival and tutor students at the NMSU. If you ever got the chance to go there, do it, it's worth it. Lots of managers/agents from Hollywood running around there looking for new talent. Got several requests to send them my scripts so they can have a look, which is why I have to polish polish polish now

I'll be in Vegas in September/October, if anybody from that area wants to catch up, just let me know.

Going to read your script now.

Quoted from Equinox Hey Dan, I've been at Las Cruces International Film Festival because our film, The Wall In The Garden got in there. We got invitations like free hotel for 2 representants and VIP passes for all the celebrity events. Our director asked me to come, so I went and it was a unique experience. I wish I could show the film here some time, but currently I can't because it's still in consideration for further festivals, one of them being Cannes. Check out my facebook page, crazy pictures/videos on there. I met Johnny Galecki from the Big Bang Theory, Brendan Fraser, John Hedger from Napoleon Dynamite, some actors from the Wolf of Wallstreet, just to name a few. Crazy stuff. I had hoped some of the SimplyScripts people would be there, but seems like nobody made it to LC. Great film community there. They got the NMSU there, which runs a great film program. Las Cruces seems like little Hollywood - everybody in town is connected to film somehow. Also met Ross Marks and Mark Medoff who run the festival and tutor students at the NMSU. If you ever got the chance to go there, do it, it's worth it. Lots of managers/agents from Hollywood running around there looking for new talent. Got several requests to send them my scripts so they can have a look, which is why I have to polish polish polish now I'll be in Vegas in September/October, if anybody from that area wants to catch up, just let me know. Going to read your script now.

Dude, that is awesome.  You've had some real successes.  I'm really happy for you.  You have such confidence.  I haven't submitted anything yet.  I know my writing isn't strong enough yet.  

You guys know something?  I have tentative plans to be in Vegas around Halloween.  Will anyone be there?  It'd be amazing to meet some of you!!

Dan

Okay, here we go:

p1:

'drug-addictively thin' - I like that description. To the point and I get an instant image.
SUPER: MARCH 13TH, 1988 - Better to show us the setting or give us hints like clothes of the time or something

p2:

They watch with fevered anxiety waiting for Nick to
resurface, hopefully, with the baby.
After what feels like an eternity, Nick resurfaces with the
choking child.

- Sounds a bit repetitive here. Could be shorter like 'They watch with fevered anxiety waiting for Nick. After what feels like an eternity, Nick resurfaces with the choking child."
- Do you think it sounds believable that a baby would survive a fall from the 3rd floor? Water becomes hard as stone from that height.
- In general, try not to start too many action lines with He or She. Mix it up a little.
- Opening works so far. Tough scene with the baby, interested to read more.

p4:

OLD LADY
Dyl, I�ve cared for you like a
mother and a mother always knows.

- Exposition alert here. Starts in the dialog before already.
- Typo: who ->exists<- Phil�s brand-new MERCEDES BENZ.
- Towards the end of the page: The valet, the valet, the valet. Repetitive. Continues on p5

Read to page 8 now. Good stuff with the monster. Just a bit hard to believe it'd find her immediately in the trash container. Does it have x-ray eyes or something?

Some logical problem on page 9:
The coroner can't make an autopsy because there is no flesh left. You don't need flesh to make an autopsy. They make autopsies of a thousand years old mummy skeletons. However, they already know it was Dylan's body because of a DNA test. Extracting DNA from bones takes quite long, is complicated, and often doesn't work at all.
Then he shows a slide of Dylan's arm with bite marks on it. Are these marks on the bone, as there's no flesh left?

The captain goes to the next slide, a close up of Dylan�s
arm with pointed bite marks as if a shark bit him.
INSERT: Dylan�s left femur with rows of teeth marks in it.

CAPTAIN
Our coroner noticed that all these
remains have these odd marks on
them as if a shark bit them.

Okay, we got it from the slides. No need for him to tell us.

p10:

NICK
Lemme guess, it takes longer than
six hours to get to Turkey.

Umm, yeah - we got it, it can't be him. Don't need that here as it makes Nick look like an idiot.

NICK
Lemme guess, it takes longer than
six hours to get to Turkey.

The captain sighs.

CAPTAIN
Correct.  So, he isn�t our guy.

NICK
So, what are we looking at?

The captain clears his throat.

CAPTAIN
We are looking for someone, or
something that can look, sound, and
act like a trusted friend.

This is all just stating the obvious. Quite boring and unnecessary. Have some faith in your readers, they will get the point here without having them talk it out in that on-the-nose way.

p11:

The captain looks at him, puzzled.

NICK
He plays a game called D&D.  He�s
into all this medieval crap.

CAPTAIN
Nick, this is real life.  There�s
no such thing as a shapeshifter.

Nick laughs.

CAPTAIN
I�m declaring martial law at sunset
and asking for the national guard
to help with patrols.

NICK
Yeah, and if you see an old friend
from out of nowhere, beware.

Everyone laughs.

This doesn't work really for several reasons. They wouldn't call the national guard because some guy was killed. And the immediate conclusion this has to be some kind of shapeshifter is also over the top. Try to play with the mystery here. Try to milk it. Keep us in suspense and don't tell us the whole story in such exposition dialog.

Okay, finished the script. I really liked it until like page 9/10. You revealed it all too fast, Nick's conclusion and readyness to believe in stuff like shapeshifters and such is unbelievable. Maybe needs more of a buildup, but doesn't work as it is in this script. If you have to, make it 20 pages instead and milk the mystery more. Let the cops find clues and traces which slowly lead them to the conclusion something supernatural is going on here. That dialog with the Captain and Nick blew it for me. The beginning with the baby was interesting, but it seems like it has nothing to do with the rest of the story and is only there to show Nicks 'heroism'. For that purpose, I think it is too long and you should use more of the space to focus on the mystery about the monster. Not sure what purpose the whole thing on the cemetary with his grandmother etc. is supposed to do. I'd cut that as well and use the space for some more investigation work and some clues of supernatural stuff going on.

Good idea, nice start, but terrible pacing towards the end. Easy read though and it has potential. Good luck!

@Dan

During the festival, I had the chance to attend the screenwriting workshop. Lecturers were renowned hollywood writers, one of them was Mark Medoff. The one statement he made I kept in memory was: "Students and new writers keep asking me, what is the secret to be a successful writer? And my reply for the past 50 years has always been: There is no secret at all".

I also had the chance to speak to Don Foster a couple of times. He was in the same hotel as me. When I went outside to smoke, he was waiting there and he asked me about my scripts and such. It drifted into a discussion about writing rules, structure etc. and he said it's all bull****. Write what you like in a way as thrilling as possible, because you don't have to convince script rule gurus, but producers and filmmakers if you want to get your stuff made. I translated that for myself into 'Care more about story and voice than about rules and scriptwriting books who tell you about the perfect format and structure".

I know we've been talking about it quite a lot in the past, and I get the feeling you feel kind of insecure about whether your scripts are up to some magic standard. I really believe there is no such standard. If you look at scripts by successful writers, you will find all kinds of things everybody here would shitstorm about. When I was in NM, I got to read a script by an established Hollywood writer. He told me, he's just sold it and the film will be made with a budget of roughly $10M. I can tell you, if he'd post his script here, the usual suspects would start a shitstorm because it blows any 'rule' that's circulating out there. There are 10 pages of dialog without interruption in this script, walls of text as action lines, passive tense all the way and reads like a novel from page 1 to 109. But the important thing is: The story works and you want to keep reading! Most filmmakers or decision makers are terrible writers (at least those looking for scripts). They care zero about some rules or standards, they're looking for good stories they can visualize as a film. Just be a little more brave and if you're happy with any story you've created, by all means get it out into the world.