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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    Scarefest Script Club  ›  American Cannibal - SSC2WC Moderators: Zack
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  Author    American Cannibal - SSC2WC  (currently 3054 views)
DanC
Posted: February 24th, 2017, 1:10am Report to Moderator
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Far too descriptive.  Setting a tone is one thing, but, this is so over the top, Hannibal Lecter would be jealous.

See, like saying the silverware is all expensive is fine, going into such specific detail is too hard on the filmmakers to find.  I'd let the props people determine what they want it to look like, IMO.

You know what might be funny, and perhaps you do this, but, when Alice (not a very hooker type name) shows up, and she says that wine is all the same, he can make the choice to educate her on wine, right before he cooks her in the correct wine.

Or he could have chosen her to die because she's so unworldly, like "how dare she not know her wins.  Damn Savage."

Wait, so the hooker just randomly walks into the kitchen?  And don't take this wrong, but, a lot of people store meat in bags.  My mom does it all the time and I'm PRETTY sure she isn't a cannibal.

Page 5, you introduce 3 people and tell me nothing about them.  I haven't read the novel or seen the movie, so, no clue...

Wait, so they find a hand and don't freak out?  And my guys have been called unbelievable...

I know they are drunk, but, still, they should freak out, if not get the fuck out of dodge.

So far, this reads like the movie.  I did some research on the novel and movie before reading your short.  It's pretty similar.  

For fan fiction, I'd had preferred if you went new on the story...

Wait, so it ends with them looking at his head?  

HOW IS THAT AN ENDING????

It was okay, but, odd.  I mean, he must either kill them or prove it's a joke.

And I thought you'd go with the unreliable narrative somewhere since that's what the novel did.

Sorry, but, I didn't care for it.

Dan


Please read my scripts:
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I'm interested in reading animation, horror, sci fy, suspense, fantasy, and anything that is good.  I enjoy writing the same.  Looking to team with anyone!

Thanks
Dan
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SKN
Posted: February 24th, 2017, 3:17am Report to Moderator
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Great monologues, I can totally see Bateman in it. I don't mind a twist or two somewhere tho. And it would be even better if his three asshole associates could take on a bit more color, different like.

Fun read overall.

Edit: btw, sorry to say that this doesn't read like a horror script.

Revision History (1 edits)
SKN  -  February 24th, 2017, 3:34am
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LC
Posted: February 24th, 2017, 4:11am Report to Moderator
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Well, yeah, and no.

Reads just like a rip off of psycho. You could take that as a compliment... Pobably should. I know it's essentially fanfic and I think you did pretty well emulating the Bateman voice.I quite enjoyed his own banter at the top. Bit more black humour wouldn't go astray.

I think the prostitute scene ends up just not going anywhere so I'd scrap that and make it all a one location dinner party, perhaps some colleagues' wives for hysteria and to add the female voice. Mind you all the female voices in American Psycho are pretty much 'clueless' and materialistic stereotypes, but the guys are too really. It is what it is.

A few things:
Price gets a stomach ache goes in search of the Pepto, sees the meat and the hand. I'd ramp up his reaction. It was almost throw away, that reaction.

I know they're all superficial thickheads but one of them says 'you're a sick fuck' and the rest 'stare in utter disbelief'.  

Part of the whole vibe in psycho is that Patrick Bateman is cool, ruthless but are the rest of them on Xanax and just completely inured to what's been placed in front of them?

I'm with Dan as well on the ending. It's a cool visual, the head, (if you're into that sort of thing) though nothing quite comes close to Ray Liotta's open skull flap and prefrontal lobe being sauteed in a pan with shallots and white wine.

At least another surprise, or double whammy.. Perhaps one of the guests says something Bateman regards as particularly offensive and plunges his fork into the guys palm, pins it to the table. The rest of them look horrified, rear back from the table. Then Bateman says: 'don't worry, you're really not lean enough for my taste.

I wondered actually, all the work at the gym, I would have thought a bit of fat would add to tenderness. Now I can't believe I just wrote that line.

Oh, and stick with the brand names imh, they add, rather than just using generic. That's a big part of American Psycho, similar to the cynical aspect of IKEA in Fight club.




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Steven
Posted: February 24th, 2017, 10:10am Report to Moderator
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I obviously bit off a little more than I could chew, but I'm at least happy with the action and dialogue. I knew this wasn't a 3 act short, but merely just a few scenes. I'm going to scrap the hooker and focus on the office and dinner party for the second draft.
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Dreamscale
Posted: February 24th, 2017, 11:14am Report to Moderator
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Here we go, Steven!

Page 1 - Not a good opening, with no FADE IN and then a 6 line passage.  This should have been broken up into 2 passages - the first about the table, the 2nd about Bateman.  Why doesn't he have an age or any kind of physical description?  Finally, the last "sentence", starting with "His face", should really be added to the prior sentence with a comma.

The dialogue sounds fairly authentic, so good job on that.  The action/description writing ain't bad, but could use a few trims, as it just "looks" overwritten a bit.

Page 2 - Are we in a different apartment now?  Also, (and this goes for the 1st Slug, as well) you need to tell us what room we're in, as I assume there are multiple rooms.  You know what I'm saying?

Again, you really shouldn't ever go over 4 lines in a passage, and you've done it twice now, which makes this look so dense and cluttered.

The hooker thing went nowhere, and sorry to say, Ive lost interest and am stopping here.

You've done a pretty good job with Bateman's voice and mannerisms, but the problem is that I don't have any interest in reading fan fiction, and I was expecting horro, which isn't what I got.

Good on you to complete this.
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Steven
Posted: February 24th, 2017, 11:20am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Dreamscale
Here we go, Steven!

Page 1 - Not a good opening, with no FADE IN and then a 6 line passage.  This should have been broken up into 2 passages - the first about the table, the 2nd about Bateman.  Why doesn't he have an age or any kind of physical description?  Finally, the last "sentence", starting with "His face", should really be added to the prior sentence with a comma.

The dialogue sounds fairly authentic, so good job on that.  The action/description writing ain't bad, but could use a few trims, as it just "looks" overwritten a bit.

Page 2 - Are we in a different apartment now?  Also, (and this goes for the 1st Slug, as well) you need to tell us what room we're in, as I assume there are multiple rooms.  You know what I'm saying?

Again, you really shouldn't ever go over 4 lines in a passage, and you've done it twice now, which makes this look so dense and cluttered.

The hooker thing went nowhere, and sorry to say, Ive lost interest and am stopping here.

You've done a pretty good job with Bateman's voice and mannerisms, but the problem is that I don't have any interest in reading fan fiction, and I was expecting horro, which isn't what I got.

Good on you to complete this.

Thanks for the words. I'll be working on this today. I do urge you to read the rest because I think it gets better as it goes, as do other people here.
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ChrisBodily
Posted: February 26th, 2017, 1:06am Report to Moderator
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Never seen/read/had anything to do with American Psycho. I only have the most rudimentary familiarity with it. Hell, all I know is that Christian Bale (looking like Jim Carrey) played Bat(e)man, and "Hip to Be Square" by Huey Lewis has to do with something.

With that full disclosure, let's go.

No FADE IN:

You give Bateman a huge-ass chunk of dialogue -- 13 lines? Bale may have played Batman, but he's not Superman. Break it up with some action.

Our first orphan on page 1.

FADE OUT goes on the right, not the left.

Other than that, much much wrong with this. Pretty good effort.


FADE IN:
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AnthonyCawood
Posted: February 26th, 2017, 2:44pm Report to Moderator
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Looked at the first page and it 'looked' over-written before I read anything... just all a little too dense...

But, let's see if that's the case... kinda.

I think the action lines are over described, but the dialogue does sound like Bateman, so that's working... Kosher Salt - i've learned something new.

Red wine isn't usually chilled, though some is, I think he'd VO comment on this if it's on purpose... otherwise I don't think he'd have it chilled.

I'd drop the (cont'd) you don't really need em.

Hmmm, this seemed to swerve off of American Psycho and into Hannibal instead.

It's well enough written but I'm not sure it adds anything to AS I think it needs some sort of twist to take it in a different direction.


Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
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Steven
Posted: February 27th, 2017, 12:17am Report to Moderator
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Thanks for the additional comments. I'm reworking it throughout and all critiques will be addressed. I've already done some work but I'm just blanking on how to end it. I like the dinner party, and I've incorporated the hooker into that party...parts of her anyway.
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Zack
Posted: February 27th, 2017, 2:03pm Report to Moderator
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Alright I'll start with this since I'm vaguely familiar with the movie.

Lot's of chunky action lines. Surely they can be broken up a bit.

Some typo's, but nothing too bad. Should be an easy fix.

I found parts of this interesting, mainly the part with the hooker.

The meat(pun intended) of the story is the dinner scene at the end and unfortunately it's a bit of a let down. It's just all happens too fast.

If I were you I'd have the entire story about Bateman cooking up a tasty meal for the hooker. i feel like it would be more focused and serve the story better.

Good effort and good luck with the rewrite.

~Zack~
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Steven
Posted: February 27th, 2017, 2:06pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Zack
Alright I'll start with this since I'm vaguely familiar with the movie.

Lot's of chunky action lines. Surely they can be broken up a bit.

Some typo's, but nothing too bad. Should be an easy fix.

I found parts of this interesting, mainly the part with the hooker.

The meat(pun intended) of the story is the dinner scene at the end and unfortunately it's a bit of a let down. It's just all happens too fast.

If I were you I'd have the entire story about Bateman cooking up a tasty meal for the hooker. i feel like it would be more focused and serve the story better.

Good effort and good luck with the rewrite.

~Zack~


Thanks. I finally came up with the damn ending. I made the hooker part of the dinner, so every scene relates to one another. There are a few 4-line action lines but it's not as bulky as before.

I'm somewhat happy with it, but not entirely. This was a good exercise, however. Oh, I changed the names and locations, so there are no remnants of American Psycho other than the title, which will stay the same for the purpose of the challenge.
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PedroS
Posted: February 27th, 2017, 5:56pm Report to Moderator
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Great one!
Bateman reminds me strongly of Hannibal.
The end was somehow obvious but the dialogs was absolutely great.
You did a good work on this!

Pedro
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Steven
Posted: February 27th, 2017, 6:05pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks. I finally figured out the ending and it will lead into something feature-worthy.
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James McClung
Posted: February 27th, 2017, 6:23pm Report to Moderator
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I knew this was an American Psycho tribute (?) going in, so the big chunks of text didn't bother me. I read them in Bateman's voice and they seemed to flow pretty nicely. The dialogue is honestly pretty decent considering the danger of emulating Brett Easton Ellis, an effort that seems practically destined to fail. I think it's a little more simplistic than the source material, but still, not bad.

That said, the script reads very flat narratively speaking. No conflict to speak of other than perhaps Alice dropping the meat on the floor. That seems to resolve itself pretty quickly. There was a hint of it towards the end when his friends find the hand in the fridge, but no one seems to give a shit. In any case, I don't think whether or not Bateman is found out was really the most interesting aspect of American Psycho in the first place.

As an exercise in writing style, it's an interesting experiment. But even with the names of the characters changed and some distance placed between you and the source material, I think there needs to be more going on.


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Steven
Posted: February 27th, 2017, 6:27pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks for the reply. I think I've fixed the issues.
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