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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    Scarefest Script Club  ›  American Cannibal - SSC2WC Moderators: Zack
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  Author    American Cannibal - SSC2WC  (currently 3057 views)
Steven
Posted: March 3rd, 2017, 6:15pm Report to Moderator
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I've changed the characters names to get away from the American psycho tie ins. Obviously the names aren't enough but oh well, I still like this story.
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JEStaats
Posted: March 4th, 2017, 4:49pm Report to Moderator
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No sh*t, there I was....

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Hi Steven - Just read version 2.0

By diverting from the American Psycho story line, you now own it and it's much improved as a stand alone work. Of course with horror, we can't dwell on logic too much but, unless Henry has finally gone over the edge with thinking he's invincible, his bold indiscretion of killing that many of his coworkers is a bit much. And why poison your food source? There I go looking at logic.

Also curious about the comment regarding gin? Seems out of the blue but it does lead into the cognac?

Much more linear. Good work.
John
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Steven
Posted: March 4th, 2017, 5:30pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from JEStaats
Hi Steven - Just read version 2.0

By diverting from the American Psycho story line, you now own it and it's much improved as a stand alone work. Of course with horror, we can't dwell on logic too much but, unless Henry has finally gone over the edge with thinking he's invincible, his bold indiscretion of killing that many of his coworkers is a bit much. And why poison your food source? There I go looking at logic.

Also curious about the comment regarding gin? Seems out of the blue but it does lead into the cognac?

Much more linear. Good work.
John

Thanks for reading. He poisoned the drinks not the food.

Why did he kill them? I don't know, but it was the ending I felt most natural. The fun thing was just a remake to show the Henry likes gin and the others don't.
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LC
Posted: March 4th, 2017, 8:58pm Report to Moderator
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There's no pleasing some I know...

Thing is, I prefer the first draft. I liked the added touches of product placement and him talking.

Also, by changing the character names and electing not to do fanfic this is too much still like American Psycho, including the title, and you run the risk of it being compared as ripoff.

Poison is poison btw, whether it be food or drink and regardless I'm not buying they'd trust him at the point you introduce this into the story. Seems a convenient mechanism for you rounding out the story.

Hasn't Henry served them wine with the meal? He could have poisoned them then and timed it so that by the end of the meal they all dropped dead one after the other. He surely couldn't have counted on them all being so relaxed with their reactions. They're not quick off the mark these fellas are they. I know it's black comedy but even so.

Few things:

... you've never even held a
rifle, let alone shoot anything with
one.

Dialogue is one thing but he's an educated guy so: I'd personally go with the one tense- 'let alone shot anything with one'

'Exercise 'regimen' not the squadron.

It's nineteen eighty nine! I want to
go into the nineties with an open
mind and new experiences.

Really? That doesn't quite gel with me. Again, are we supposed to buy these guys are total idiots? If these characters were females I'd have a field day with the airhead stereotype. It's tongue in cheek (no pun intended)black comedy so I go with it up to a point.

You write well.

I still prefer the original with a few tweaks.


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Steven
Posted: March 4th, 2017, 9:45pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from LC
There's no pleasing some I know...

Thing is, I prefer the first draft. I liked the added touches of product placement and him talking.

Also, by changing the character names and electing not to do fanfic this is too much still like American Psycho, including the title, and you run the risk of it being compared as ripoff.

Poison is poison btw, whether it be food or drink and regardless I'm not buying they'd trust him at the point you introduce this into the story. Seems a convenient mechanism for you rounding out the story.

Hasn't Henry served them wine with the meal? He could have poisoned them then and timed it so that by the end of the meal they all dropped dead one after the other. He surely couldn't have counted on them all being so relaxed with their reactions. They're not quick off the mark these fellas are they. I know it's black comedy but even so.

Few things:

... you've never even held a
rifle, let alone shoot anything with
one.

Dialogue is one thing but he's an educated guy so: I'd personally go with the one tense- 'let alone shot anything with one'

'Exercise 'regimen' not the squadron.

It's nineteen eighty nine! I want to
go into the nineties with an open
mind and new experiences.

Really? That doesn't quite gel with me. Again, are we supposed to buy these guys are total idiots? If these characters were females I'd have a field day with the airhead stereotype. It's tongue in cheek (no pun intended)black comedy so I go with it up to a point.

You write well.

I still prefer the original with a few tweaks.

You know sometimes you start with a cool idea and it works for 95%. Well that's what happened. I watched American Psycho the other day and saw some things in there I hadn't remembered. Like the head in the fridge. Oh well, I'm still working on the cannibal chef thing.

Thanks for liking it.
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DanC
Posted: March 5th, 2017, 2:47am Report to Moderator
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Killing villains since 1980!

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Hey Steven,
   I think I agree with Libby.  The first one had more "flavor" than the second one.  I still don't see the reason for the hooker's death.  The second one reads like an insane dude that kills this hooker and 3 coworkers with no deniability in any way.  

Full disclosure:  I have only read Wikipedia for my knowledge of the subject matter.  But what I gathered was that he was very smart, cultural, and plenty of "steps" ahead as if he were playing chess with real life.  I don't see any of that here.

Perhaps if we watched him "graduate" from killing animals to trying to set up the prostitute to kill her.  Honestly, from what I've read of the character, he'd only get his hands dirty as a last resort.  Her death was sloppy.  What's her pimp gonna do when she turns up missing?  

I think the potential for this story is huge, whether as a standalone or fan fiction.  Use his brilliance more.

Lastly, I know you can't do this on such a restrictive page count, but I'd love to see some sort of ambiguous ending calling into question how much actually happened.

Great work,
Dan


Please read my scripts:
http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-series/m-1427564706/

I'm interested in reading animation, horror, sci fy, suspense, fantasy, and anything that is good.  I enjoy writing the same.  Looking to team with anyone!

Thanks
Dan
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Steven
Posted: March 5th, 2017, 10:11am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from DanC
Hey Steven,
   I think I agree with Libby.  The first one had more "flavor" than the second one.  I still don't see the reason for the hooker's death.  The second one reads like an insane dude that kills this hooker and 3 coworkers with no deniability in any way.  

Full disclosure:  I have only read Wikipedia for my knowledge of the subject matter.  But what I gathered was that he was very smart, cultural, and plenty of "steps" ahead as if he were playing chess with real life.  I don't see any of that here.

Perhaps if we watched him "graduate" from killing animals to trying to set up the prostitute to kill her.  Honestly, from what I've read of the character, he'd only get his hands dirty as a last resort.  Her death was sloppy.  What's her pimp gonna do when she turns up missing?  

I think the potential for this story is huge, whether as a standalone or fan fiction.  Use his brilliance more.

Lastly, I know you can't do this on such a restrictive page count, but I'd love to see some sort of ambiguous ending calling into question how much actually happened.

Great work,
Dan

If interested, I've started to work on the feature length "cannibal chef" story over in the work in progress thread.

http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-workinprogress/m-1488326398/

Thanks for checking this out and I agree that the removal of the American Psycho aspect made this feel like a rip off but.
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Kirsten
Posted: March 6th, 2017, 7:35am Report to Moderator
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Hi Steven,

I really enjoyed this, had no issues with the writing. I found the descriptiveness helped build his character e.g  the use of the different types of wine at the beginning to show case his snobbery and her lack of intellect. The descriptions also helped with the ‘feel’ of the story.
I loved the ‘peek into the hallway’ action line, simple, but said a lot about his intentions.
And the use of denial in the face of a horrific reality, is great. No…this can’t be real….its just a fantastic joke….
Nice job!


"Turn that off, our friend has just been killed in a fatal sunlight accident!"....

'What we do in the Shadows.'
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Steven
Posted: March 6th, 2017, 9:28am Report to Moderator
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Thanks for liking it!
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ChrisBodily
Posted: March 7th, 2017, 1:29am Report to Moderator
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Take 2! Action!

The text seems small. Is it 12pt?

Nitpick, but it's the Billboard Hot 100. Normally, this dialogue would be too long, but Patrick Henry Batman makes it worth every word.


Quoted Text
A heavy red flow washes down the drain.


Referencing another American Psycho? "Mother! Oh, God! Mother! Blood! Blood!"

"small pool of blood
pooling [spilling] around his head."

Redundant?

Very well written. Deliciously written. Excellent job, Steve!


FADE IN:
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Steven
Posted: March 7th, 2017, 9:07am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from ChrisBodily
Take 2! Action!

The text seems small. Is it 12pt?

Nitpick, but it's the Billboard Hot 100. Normally, this dialogue would be too long, but Patrick Henry Batman makes it worth every word.



Referencing another American Psycho? "Mother! Oh, God! Mother! Blood! Blood!"

"small pool of blood
pooling [spilling] around his head."

Redundant?

Very well written. Deliciously written. Excellent job, Steve!


Yea, it's 12pt, that's what comes default with Fade In I guess.

Regarding the Bateman stuff, I haven't seen American Psycho for a few years, then I watched it after I wrote this and holy hell did I use a lot of direct references from that movie. I knew that I was essentially ripping off some of what happened, but I completely forgot about the fact he kept a head in a plastic bag in his fridge.

My original work distances itself from American Psycho greatly. The only similarity is that there is a wealthy person in NYC killing people.
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