Hey Pedro,

Somehow or another, I made it all the way through this script. I did take a break a little over halfway through, which helped, but I could've easily just left it there. I like to finish what I started if it's not *too* painful, however, and honestly the script wasn't as painful to get through as I initially thought.

That said, I'll repeat previous comments that the script is stricken with typos, possibly the most I've ever seen in a script. I understand that English is not your first language, but I still think you could've cleaned up a substantial portion of them with at least one more review. At the very least, DNA shouldn't have been a typo, certainly not twice; it's only three letters and they're ALL IN CAPS.

To be fair, I could tell many of the typos were indeed a result of the language barrier. It also seems like you had a very specific vision for this script in terms of descriptions, which I think you made an admiral effort to realize. Even if you were using a translator, many of the word choices in the script were specific enough where the translator would've have spat them out if you hadn't entered an equally specific word/phrase to begin with. That said, I think such a vision would be extra incentive to comb through the script a few more times to make sure the typos were at a minimum.

In any case, the writing wasn't the only issue here; the whole thing is really overstuffed. Too many characters with little characterization for any of them. Too much world-building without any context. I couldn't tell where any of this was supposed to take place, given the strangeness of everything else going on (another planet, perhaps?). What's the purpose of the research facility, and who runs it?

All of this is compounded by the fact that the script moves extremely fast without anything getting a proper explanation. Things quickly become confusing/overwhelming. Somehow I found the broken English to offset this somehow, like Conz said. Not sure why that's the case, but it took the edge off. Still, it's all just too much of everything.

The reveal at the end feels tacked on and falls flat as a result. If might've helped if you made any mention of Ronald having a daughter at some earlier point. Perhaps even drop some hints that his state of mind isn't all that straight. Ronald is completely blank as a character, so all this business with Peter being an alterego or whatever is just a bunch of random shit thrown in at the last minute. You could've had the same thing happen to any of the other characters and it would've had the same effect.

Some miscellaneous notes...

- "Was it his blood?" - If they found Peter full of bullet holes, would've they assume it was his blood? Also, who the fuck is lying in the vessel anyway? Peter? Ronald? What do the other characters even see? Is any of this even happening, or is it all in Ronald's head.

...come to think of it, not so miscellaneous. You gotta square the logic of these earlier scenes away somehow.

- On a related note, I'm assuming Susan is the female voice at the beginning, not the nurse. If that's the case, how would she know something as specific as why he got shot and not know who he is or where he came from?

...again, this is a note I had written down earlier, but it doesn't make sense given the ending. Susan's supposedly dead so... WTF is going on here?

pg. 14 - You seem to switch Roy and Ronald's names around somehow.

- Finally, why would Ronald cut his throat if he just cut his wrists? I doubt it'd be an easy thing to do. He's gonna die anyway, so why even go through the extra pain? Speaking of which, why cut both of his arms?

So yeah. It seems like you had a strong vision for this, but at this point, it's kind of a mess. Even without the typos/language issues, it doesn't make a whole lot of sense. Probably not the best story to tell in 18 pages, really. It was supposed to be 15, so really, doesn't seem like anything meant for a small scale.

Hope this helps.

Hey James,

your absolutely right.
It was too much to get into the story.
I've f***** up, but I'll try my best to avoid those things in the future.
I've wrote it completely new, submitted it and hope, that it will create a better feeling.
Thank you for taking the time to read through all of this. I really appreciate this!

Wish you the best,

Pedro

Hola Pedro - Yo leo tu revision segundo (como mi espanol?). Apologies if otherwise

Enough of that... good news is that your story is more linear and easier to follow. Bad news is the translation still needs a lot of work and it's WAY overwritten. I can say that because I have a habit of overwriting. A lot of parenthetical use too.

I liked the reveal at the end with Eva in the cage and her reaction but there are still many inconsistencies in the logic (there's that word logic again).

Also loved your descriptions of the mass murder scene. Very reminiscent of 'Event Horizon'.

Great effort Pedro - keep at it!
John

Hey Pedro,  I agree with John.  While it is better, you still have a lot to clean up.  I'd
Look into software to help you with the language issues.

The story is better, but still far too overwritten in places.  It seems easier to follow, so that is awesome.  

I think if you fix it up, you could have a pretty good story.  Perhaps you could make this more of a race against time story.  Also, find creative ways to keep the other guy following your lead.  There were plenty of times then I wondered why he followed him, especially after he said that he wouldn't.  I found myself thinking that then it's too unbelievable.

Only when you explain the ending does it make sense, and I think that should be fixed.

Good luck with it.

Dan

Quoted from JEStaats Hola Pedro - Yo leo tu revision segundo (como mi espanol?). Apologies if otherwise Enough of that... good news is that your story is more linear and easier to follow. Bad news is the translation still needs a lot of work and it's WAY overwritten. I can say that because I have a habit of overwriting. A lot of parenthetical use too. I liked the reveal at the end with Eva in the cage and her reaction but there are still many inconsistencies in the logic (there's that word logic again). Also loved your descriptions of the mass murder scene. Very reminiscent of 'Event Horizon'. Great effort Pedro - keep at it! John

Hola John - your spanish is good! I read yours to, mi amigo.
But I'm from Brazil and I speak Portuguese

Thank you so much for taking the efforts to read my second draft.
I'm very happy that it was easier to follow and you're absolutely right - There are definitely some logic mistakes. I need to practice this short stories more! And I'm going to work on the parenthetical-problem. Good advise!

Thank you for your inspiring feedback. I'll keep your advises in mind.

Pedro

Quoted from DanC Hey Pedro,  I agree with John.  While it is better, you still have a lot to clean up.  I'd Look into software to help you with the language issues. The story is better, but still far too overwritten in places.  It seems easier to follow, so that is awesome.   I think if you fix it up, you could have a pretty good story.  Perhaps you could make this more of a race against time story.  Also, find creative ways to keep the other guy following your lead.  There were plenty of times then I wondered why he followed him, especially after he said that he wouldn't.  I found myself thinking that then it's too unbelievable. Only when you explain the ending does it make sense, and I think that should be fixed. Good luck with it. Dan

Hey Dan,

thank you for taking the time to made it through my second draft.
I really appreciate it.
Your words are motivating me to become better.
You definitely made a point with the grammar and with the idea of making the process a little more complex. I'll keep that in mind for the next story.
I'm very happy that you see potential in my story and that it was easier to read through.
Very positive for me - It seems like I'm making a small progress - YES, finally!

I wish you well my friend.
Thank you again.

Pedro

FADE IN: always goes on the left, never the right.

Right out of the gate, it's overwritten. Sometimes it works, but in your script, it's too much. Sometimes, simple is better. Less is more. I would trim the hell out of your opening paragraph.

The second paragraph, I would break up into two... or even three.

Quoted Text RONALD What in the good name of God?

A little too dramatic/Shakespeare. I'd change it to

Quoted Text RONALD What in God's name...?

This does in four words what it took you seven words to do.

Quoted Text PETER We’ve come [We're too late.] (or) [T]oo late.

Quoted Text Ronald is looking [looks] suspiciously at some ripped pieces of paper.

Try to avoid passive writing.

Quoted Text On one of the pieces [pages] is written:

Reads better, imo.

Quoted Text Ronald moves to Peter, who is looking at something on the ground, hidden behind a metallic cupboard.

This is how you write an action line. This tells us everything we need to know in a clear and concise manner.

I'd move the word "silently" to either before "raises" or after "arm."

Quoted Text Ronald moves his glance to Peter[']s discovery [glances at Peter].

Quoted Text In front of Peter is [are] the bloody remains, of something which what used to be an arm.

It still reads weird, but it's less awkward than what you wrote.

Quoted Text (holding his hand in front of his mouth)

This parenthetical (don't overuse these!) is too long! They should only be one line long, and used sparingly; actors hate these. How would you like to be told how to say a line?   It could just as easily be "(covers his mouth)".

"The emergency?" I'd change it to 911, which I'd write out as Nine-One-One Actually, drop the police; 911 is a catch-all for cops, paramedics, and the fire department. All three respond to each emergency, regardless if it actually concerns them.

"I don't [have] a (my?) phone with me."

Quoted Text In the office room is a telephone, which we can use.

Terrible line. I'm sorry. It should read:

Quoted Text We can use the office phone.

Quoted Text We should leave this place, right now!

The paragraph after CLANK! is too long. Let's clean it up some more.

Quoted Text Ronald’s looks down at the ground. His foot has hit(s) a small silver bracelet. He kneels down, picks it up and inspects it. It has three small pendants on it. Two silver hearts and a silver bear with a small pink jewel in it. His hands start to tremble as he gazes at the small bracelet [it].

I'm on page 2. Not the best start, I'm afraid. This is about the same page I bailed on your first draft.

Who's Eva? Oh, never mind.

Quoted Text PETER What are you talking, Ron? Why should she be here! This makes no sense at all. The only rational thing is [we need] to leave this place... (looking at the scratched metallic walls) ...And this as soon as we can.

"Loren is also here." "Loren's also here." Do these characters ever use contractions?

"What are you talking [about]? If it so"

You're overusing parentheticals.

Quoted Text PETER First: We stay together, no matter what happen(s). Second: We don’t put us under unnecessary [in] danger and third: If we don’t find them in one hour, we’ll leave. and get back with help.

"I’ve got a bad feeling about this."

I didn't know this was a Star Wars script.  

"Two slide doors moves"

A specific army should be capitalized. I love the line, though. Made me chuckle.

Quoted Text PETER Why do I have the bad feeling, that we don’t wanna find out the answer of that.

I'd honestly cut this line. More dramatic.

Quoted Text PETER (looking at the bloody keypad) in the wall) It has [There's] a good reason, why we both work in different sections. (typing some numbers in) In my workplace - the baddest accidents were spilled coffees or empty toilet papers.

This parapgraph, I would break up, starting at "Dozens of tables". It'sd still overwritten, though.

[quote]His eyes widen, he falls on his knees and some vomit(s.) crawls
up his throat and finds its way out, through his mouth.

The paragraph about the corpse is too long and overwritten, even if you broke it up into four or five paragraphs.

I'm halfway into it. I'll have to stop here. Sorry. Too many issues with this one, but still an improvement on the first draft.

Quoted from ChrisBodily FADE IN: always goes on the left, never the right. Right out of the gate, it's overwritten. Sometimes it works, but in your script, it's too much. Sometimes, simple is better. Less is more. I would trim the hell out of your opening paragraph. The second paragraph, I would break up into two... or even three. A little too dramatic/Shakespeare. I'd change it to This does in four words what it took you seven words to do. Try to avoid passive writing. Reads better, imo. This is how you write an action line. This tells us everything we need to know in a clear and concise manner. I'd move the word "silently" to either before "raises" or after "arm." It still reads weird, but it's less awkward than what you wrote. This parenthetical (don't overuse these!) is too long! They should only be one line long, and used sparingly; actors hate these. How would you like to be told how to say a line?   It could just as easily be "(covers his mouth)". "The emergency?" I'd change it to 911, which I'd write out as Nine-One-One Actually, drop the police; 911 is a catch-all for cops, paramedics, and the fire department. All three respond to each emergency, regardless if it actually concerns them. "I don't [have] a (my?) phone with me." Terrible line. I'm sorry. It should read: The paragraph after CLANK! is too long. Let's clean it up some more. I'm on page 2. Not the best start, I'm afraid. This is about the same page I bailed on your first draft. Who's Eva? Oh, never mind. "Loren is also here." "Loren's also here." Do these characters ever use contractions? "What are you talking [about]? If it so" You're overusing parentheticals. "I’ve got a bad feeling about this." I didn't know this was a Star Wars script.   "Two slide doors moves" A specific army should be capitalized. I love the line, though. Made me chuckle. I'd honestly cut this line. More dramatic. This parapgraph, I would break up, starting at "Dozens of tables". It'sd still overwritten, though. [quote]His eyes widen, he falls on his knees and some vomit(s.) crawls up his throat and finds its way out, through his mouth. The paragraph about the corpse is too long and overwritten, even if you broke it up into four or five paragraphs. I'm halfway into it. I'll have to stop here. Sorry. Too many issues with this one, but still an improvement on the first draft.

Chris, I can't honestly not thank you enough for taking these much efforts.
Your breakthrough teaches me a lot and I'll learn as good as I can from it to avoid those mistakes and get a smooth style like you showed.
Thank you so much for your feedback, mate.

I wish you well,

Pedro