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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    February 2011 One Week Challenge  ›  The Maidens - Feb 2011 OWC Moderators: Grandma Bear
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  Author    The Maidens - Feb 2011 OWC  (currently 2963 views)
Don
Posted: February 21st, 2011, 5:50pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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The Maidens by Brendan O'Neill (cap10xb1s) - Short - A man looking for a good deal on a rare book gets more than he bargained for.

A February 2011 One Week Challenge script. - pdf, format


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You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky

Revision History (3 edits; 1 reasons shown)
Don  -  March 10th, 2011, 5:04pm
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Dreamscale
Posted: February 26th, 2011, 12:57am Report to Moderator
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Oh boy...# 1...here we go...

Sorry, but this IMO is God awful.  Absolutely shocking how many mistakes are literally everywhere. Not even sure where to start, but I'll try...

Blocks of prose shouldn't be more than 4 lines...ever.

No need for all those irritating "CONTINUEDS" on every page.

Slugs are way, WAY off.  You don't want to write a Slug that is more than a single line, and every time you change scenes, you have to use a new Slug.

No clue what is supposed to be happening here, based on the writing and mistakes.

Just doesn't work in any remote way for me, bud, sorry.

Congrats for entering and completing a script, but as far as I'm concerned, it's right back to the old proverbial drawing board.
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keaton01
Posted: February 26th, 2011, 2:04am Report to Moderator
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Some people are tools ^^ but also right.

This is way too bloated with unnecessary detail a excess prose. Break your action blocks up into how you want the shot to look. If the action block should be in more than one shot break it up. Trim and Compress.

I don't know what software you are using, but you don't need all them continueds and cut tos, lose 'em.

This was my best part...
[PLEASEINSERT\PRERENDERUNICODE{¢A˘A}INTOPREAMBLE
... which tells me the guy above didn't read it or he would've for sure mentioned this.

The story is way too straight forward. It's literally a retelling with uninspired book ends.

Keep working and honing your craft.




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Baltis.
Posted: February 26th, 2011, 2:28am Report to Moderator
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Long strings of Slug clutter.  Wow.  Very green... Very green.

Very wordy.

Very inconsistent in how you use Cut to: and Continued.  I think you realized this midway through, though.  I don't know??

It's almost like you wrote this script in a production mode or something... Everything seems "slightly" off to the left to me.  And the numberings are distracting as well.

You have a lot of over selling, which means you're over telling and sharing with us.  Things like

He looks around another nearby corner. Hears footsteps but
still can’t see her. He looks down into the book. As he does
so the illustration in the book becomes alive and we are
drawn down into the world of the illustration.


Read clunky and cluttered.  You could break this down to something like this

Smith steps to the nearby corner,  he hears unknown footsteps approach.  The illustrations in the book SPRING to life, and draw him inside.

That is a quick once over example, man/gal...  But you should also get away from the He, He, He, He, He in every action brick too.  I cannot count how many times I read the word "HE" in your script.  "HE" has a name, and it was "Smith".  

Your story was very hard to follow through a great many mistakes.  It has one, but I kept getting caught up along the way to even care about it in the end.  I'm going to go back and read it again right now and be a little more open to it now that I know what I'm in for, though.

Best of luck to you in a rewrite.
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greg
Posted: February 26th, 2011, 2:43am Report to Moderator
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A good writer but new to screenwriting.

There's a lot of clunkiness in here with overwriting and whatnot but buried in there I think there's a good story from what I gathered.  I think I got the main ideas; guy goes into a bookstore, girl shows him a book, tells him a story and he REALLY gets into it, maybe even literally.  Not a bad concept or interpretation.

Format is the biggest problem as that makes this really hard to read and probably makes it twice as long as it would normally be.  Couple things to keep note of:

O.S. means offscreen, so you don't need parentheticals (I'm too tired to look up how to spell this fucking word.  It should be spelled exactly as it sounds).

Lose the Cut To's.

Keep your descriptions to 3 lines MAX.  There's so much detail going into your descriptions that you simply don't need.  Guy walks into a bookstore.  Looks around.  Girl is in the back.  Most of the rest is irrelevant.  

The sluglines - keep them simple.   No need to get into the complex two-liners we were seeing toward the end.

Good effort for this.  Keep practicing.

Greg


Be excellent to each other
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stebrown
Posted: February 26th, 2011, 5:40am Report to Moderator
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This was a decent tale but the script had quite a lot of errors. I won't go into the formatting issues as they are all pretty basic and can be easily fixed - just read other scripts and maybe a screenwriting book or two and you'll be fine.

I think with a short script it is difficult to span two time periods. While you did pretty well with the flashbacks I think it would have been better if you concentrated on one time zone. Maybe just bookend a flashback in the book shop - guy walks in - flashback story unfolds - the big reveal about who he's talking to.

You can write but I think you need a little more work on writing for screen.

Ste


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dn061903
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I was very anxious to start reading the screenplays for the OWC.  The first one I opened up was this one.  

Have to say that the first two pages of this script felt like a Mike Tyson-in-his-prime uppercut to the jaw.  I was down for the count and actually had to go out for a jog before continuing on with the other screenplays.  

The main issue for me is the incredible over abundance of descriptions.  I understand that you're trying to paint a vivid picture for the reader, but too much is a bad thing.  It gets painful to read.

I think you have potential.  I would just say you should read lots of screenplays.  Most folks, imo, are looking for a quick read that's fun/exciting/scary and gets to the point succinctly.

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screenrider
Posted: February 26th, 2011, 9:02am Report to Moderator
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Haha.  Thoroughly enjoyed the back and forth between Keateon and Dreamscale.  Sorry, moving right along...

To the writer;

Yeah, this script is in pretty rough shape.   Read some other good scripts around here and listen to positive feedback and you'll eventually figure it out.   Your biggest prroblem is formatting.  The story itself was just "ok" for me.  

Keep trying!
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jwent6688
Posted: February 26th, 2011, 9:32am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from keaton01
Ah, I see he reverts to a 12 year old when drunk. Well my apologies to all, peace.


I drink all the time, I've never once acted like a 12 year old...

I'm going to have to agree with the others that this was over written. I definitely think you could space this out more and tighten up your writing. Some typos as well. Fine for an OWC.

I liked the story, it was just tough to get through this script. I thought maybe Violets lightning fingers were a bit over the top at the end, just an Opinion. So, this was okay for me. Good job for a week. This myth is an interesting one.

James



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leitskev
Posted: February 26th, 2011, 10:12am Report to Moderator
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A lot of work clearly went into this script. Quick comments: first, listening to the veteran writers here, even when they sound harsh, will allow anyone to learn proper formatting, and fairly quickly.

Second, I did give this a full read without worrying about script formatting, and I still had problems with the writing as it progressed. I found myself having to reread things just to understand what was being communicated. This is entirely separate from formatting.

Finally, I think the writer has a strong imagination and is working with a fairly complicated plot, so it was a challenge to present his/her vision, especially as a new writer. The road to vastly improved scripts will be a short one here if the writer chooses to take it.
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RayW
Posted: February 26th, 2011, 10:58am Report to Moderator
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Hi, Camille

Need:
FADE IN: left justified.
FADE OUT: right justified.

Learn industry standard slugline composition. (AKA: Observe others!)

If you're using Celtx get rid of the MORES and CONTINUEDS this way:
http://i879.photobucket.com/albums/ab352/rewriteitagain/Celtx-09cell.jpg?t=1289429393

I have never felt compelled to copy and paste to check for a page word count.
Until now.
The first page of anyone's screenplay is gonna be dense setting up a setting and characters. Cool. Fine.
- 266 for someone else's first page. (It was considered "dense").
- 213 for another.
- 205 for another
- 290 for another dense choker.
- 185 for a light one.
- 177 for another light open.
- 186 for a light one.
- 211 for another
- 214 for the last.

This first page for "The Maidens" clocked in at a whopping 357 words.
Minus the (CONTINUED).

I recall the opening of "The Book of Eli" as being some pretty dense description.
http://www.imsdb.com/scripts/Book-of-Eli,-The.html
That first page clocked in at 355 words.

If you hadn't had (CONTINUED) hogging another two lines you would've crammed in another twenty to twenty-five words.

Hit.
The.
Return/Enter.
Key.



Once the story gets rolling in the bookshop I like this!
Dialog is very good.

Cut the CUT TO:s.

By page six I'm skipping entire continents of descriptive action text.
Just reading dialog and ends-of-sentences. (Just thought I'd confess.)

Page 8 - reconcile the pricked finger vs. thumb detail.

Page 10 - [PLEASEINSERT\PRERENDERUNICODE{�˘A˘A}INTOPREAMBLE]WITCH#3
(cough, cough, don't do that, cough).

Okay, formatting issues aside - THAT was a nice little story.
I don't think it would be low-budget material, but the story is very well thought out and constructed.
Fantastic, rich detail! I can't express this enough.
I loved every old leather bound book of it!
You're going to be crucified for too much description, though.

One route would be to "Save As" "The Maiden's - Light", delete all action, read the dialog and try to just use one or two line's of descriptions when needed.
I write about ten to twenty percent of what I envision.
It killllllls me. But... it keeps my head off a pike.

GL! Hope to see more of your work.




Revision History (1 edits)
RayW  -  February 26th, 2011, 12:20pm
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keaton01
Posted: February 26th, 2011, 11:19am Report to Moderator
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'The End' is for novels. Use or don't. Some 'rules' people have are more like suggestions. Look around and mimic the writers you respect.


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grademan
Posted: February 26th, 2011, 11:47am Report to Moderator
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The Maidens               
               
CRITERIA               
Horror ***
Low budget  - Bookstore - yes; flashbacks - maybe
Powerful ***
Original ***
Celtic Myth     - Witches
Visually interesting -Bookstore - no, flashbacks - yes
Memorable characters -     Violet could be amped up,
Unique ending ***
Standout moments - The burnt man on the floor, Violet disappearing
               
LIMITATIONS - The horse may have to go.
               
*** average impact/no specific comments               

GARY
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DarrenJamesSeeley
Posted: February 26th, 2011, 12:47pm Report to Moderator
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I haven't breezed through most of the comments yet but I'm sure someone's mentioned the blocks of text by now. Keep it no more than three lines. If there is more (visual) information, break up the paragraph. One thing you can cut back on is the BOOKISH MAN going into the shop twice.

Let's have a look at the opening:


Quoted Text
A well dressed, bookish looking older man goes into a second
hand book shop. The shop front reads "Tales Bookshop" and in
smaller letters "Proprietor - Bob Taylor. Established 1956"

The man is wearing an overcoat and scarf as it is a blustery
day. He walks to the door. We see a cobweb in the top right
window of the shop. Just as we hear the shop bell ring the
web vibrates as if a fly has landed on it and a big, black
spider emerges briefly on to the web before scuttling off
out of sight.

INT. BOOKSHOP. HIGH STREET. SHROPSHIRE -- DAY
The man comes into the shop.



Visual and audio: First, "we see" and "we hear" is redundant. You don't need them. If a character sees or hears things (or doesn't hear or see them) then "we" also see and hear.

Next, the man enters the store. A pause to see the sign. "we" are still outside, possibly looking in through a window to see the man in the coat (make a note that you had intro'd as a well dressed man, but then say he's wearing a coat  I know there's a window or open door because of the spider and you need us to show what goes on inside.

So the man has already entered the store and rings the bell. Then he walks in again.

Quite a number of CUT TOs. I don't mind one or two, but if in a OWC you wanted to get rid of something excessive, here's an item ripe for a chopping block, There is nothing *really* wrong with having them---but they aren't needed. CUT TOs are usually used for padding. When you go to the next scene, we already "cut to" it in a matter of speaking.


Quoted Text
As the camera rises p5

One camera angle too many.And an incorrect usage at that. When "we see and hear" that's what the camera sees. You show me maiden(s) dancing in a circle. Then, after the pull back, you show me sommething that magically appears in the center. An abracadabra moment I suppose...or as some call it, a continuity error.


Quoted Text
A Robin very briefly lands on the
tip of the standing stone. It whistles and then wiggles its
head and tail feathers in the jerky fashion that Robins do
as if expressing disapproval. It then flies off.


A mild breaking of tthe OWC guides (if the bird simply watched in curiousiy that would be fine, but its activity challenges the guideline *and* the passage is expendable.

By the way---

EXT. MAIDEN DANCING AROUND IN A CIRCLE
EXT. EADRIC RIDING ALONG WITH HIS BAND OF MEN

[color=blue]These aren't locations[/color Where are the maiden(s)? Where are Eadric and his  knights? A forest? A castle? A grassy hill?

"is seen" "are seen"  (6) "You see" (7) I see it a few times. Again, you show me, I will see it. You don't need it. It slows the read down.


Quoted Text
[PLEASEINSERT\PRERENDERUNICODE{� ˘A}INTOPREAMBLE]WITCH#3
"Where doomsday may thunder and
lighten"


And that
shows me that the writer did not proof his/her work even once.

For a rough draft, this isn't bad. Something to work on. Something to have to fix errors without banging one's head into the wall. I wish you well.

But I couldn't get into the story all too much. I keep being pulled out.


"I know you want to work for Mo Fuzz. And Mo Fuzz wants you to. But first, I'm going to need to you do something for me... on spec." - Mo Fuzz, Tapeheads, 1988
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c m hall
Posted: February 26th, 2011, 1:40pm Report to Moderator
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This could be a good story, a hauntingly good story, with character development -- I didn't have much interest in any of them.  
And it bothered me that Smith didn't carefully examine the book, the opening pages, etc. -- if he's a collector he's not likely to just pull open an obviously old book.  
And a book dropped on the floor of a bookshop should have sent shockwaves through him, I think.

Revision History (1 edits)
c m hall  -  February 27th, 2011, 10:06am
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dogglebe
Posted: February 26th, 2011, 2:41pm Report to Moderator
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I enjoyed this story a great deal.  It was fun to read, very visual, and with a good ending.

The only major fault I had with it was that it was too damn wordy.  If you were to tighten up all your descriptions--and remove all the CUT TO's, this script would probably be reduced from twelve pages to eight.  Minor problems would include your headers:


Quoted Text
EXT. MAIDEN DANCING AROUND IN A CIRCLE -- AFTERNOON. SUNNY

should read:


Quoted Text
EXT.  FOREST - DAY


The rest of the info goes in your scene descriptions.

A rewrite would definitely help this script as it is a good one.


Phil
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BryMo
Posted: February 26th, 2011, 2:44pm Report to Moderator
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Hey! Just finished reading your entry and while I think the story is good enough, what makes it hard to read is the over-descriptive elements. Have you considered writing a novel or short story? You're a good writer but being too descriptive in a screenplay is unnecessary. The idea is to be crisp and short.

All in all, you clearly have an imagination and can put it on the page but i would suggest trying to edit more.

Good luck!


Shorts:
Good Golly Miss Molly
No Place Like Home
New Moon Rising
Yuno - BRAND-*SPANKIN*-NEW!
The Ballad of Uncle Sam: An Anarchists Melody
Toy Soldier
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A GUIDE TO MY LITERARY BABIES
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reuel51
Posted: February 26th, 2011, 4:22pm Report to Moderator
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Very wordy and dense. I had a hard time getting through this. I had to go back and re-read sentences or paragraphs.

The use of Violet speaking O.S. passed by me. After two pages, I went back and was looking for some kind of description for her... I didn't find one, and that's when I realized that the O.S. probably should have been V.O. I could be wrong. This is a unique situation, but whenever I see O.S. I assume that the person is there, physically, just outside the frame of the camera (ie in another room etc.). Anyway.

Perhaps it was that you lost me in the dense action blocks, but I had a hard time following the story here. There was a lot of talking at first, then some action, but I missed it. Perhaps I have ADHD, but trying to follow along with each and every blink or twitch got tiresome [I'm exaggerating a little about the blinking... ]

The characters were somewhat forgettable. I really liked the old bookstore though. Somewhere in your epistle you said something about the bookstore growing organically over the years. I did like that particular line.

I never really had a sense of horror in this. Fantasy - yes. Horror? Not so much.


new Ignoble 5 pgs, Shock Drama (could be disturbing)
Faking It 5 pgs MP 2nd place Feb 2011
Consequences 7 pgs Thriller

Revision History (1 edits)
reuel51  -  February 26th, 2011, 4:23pm
typo
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Scar Tissue Films
Posted: February 26th, 2011, 5:15pm Report to Moderator
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Pros

Imaginative and atmospheric. Mixes suspense and fantasy quite well.

Some decent set pieces.

Interesting visual mix of fantasy and suspense/horror.

Ambitious. Good effort.

Cons.

Little bit long-winded for the simple twist ending. Although there was a significant body of story in terms of length, it lacked narrative and dramatic drive because it was something that had already happened.

The fantasy back story slowed the narrative drive of the contemporary suspense story. Two different moods battling for supremacy.

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Electric Dreamer
Posted: February 26th, 2011, 5:26pm Report to Moderator
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I took a look at this one based on a few comments.
It seems the author has an eye for detail best suited to short fiction or novels.
However, if they are genuinely interested in learning the craft of screenwriting...
you will not do much better than the fine contributing members here for material.

I got the feeling the author is a movie fan, very keen eye for framing.
I like the eyes peering at Smith from twixt the shelves, nice stuff.

Congrats on getting this done for the OWC.
If you like the process, learn format and let the adventure begin.

E.D.


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khamanna
Posted: February 26th, 2011, 5:33pm Report to Moderator
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this slug EXT. MAIDEN DANCING AROUND IN A CIRCLE -- AFTERNOON. SUNNY should probably be EXT. MEADOW - DAY.
And then give us "Maiden dance around in a circle" in a description perhaps.

on page 9 you have "You see" when in several places I saw "We see" - I think if you decided to include "we see" or "you see" you should stick with one. But many would advise with neither one.

You have a lot of He, She here and you did not introduce your characters properly. It's important that you do.

This tale gave me shrills. It was easy to follow despite the writing. I agree with others on the writing. But I liked the story, the way it's developed, the transitions between past and present.

I think you have to rewrite it with attention on writing but not touch the story.

Revision History (2 edits; 1 reasons shown)
khamanna  -  February 26th, 2011, 6:51pm
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wonkavite
Posted: February 26th, 2011, 5:43pm Report to Moderator
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*Spoilers*

Pros:

There are some interesting visuals in this.  

I like the organic, maze like feel of the bookstore.  Also enjoyed the quirky way that Violet disappeared and reappeared while she told the tale.  

Depending how it's handled, the cut-aways between "present day" and the book's tale could also make for some interesting visuals.  Nice how you throw out a few subtle hints that Smith is a priest, though not revealing it until the end.  The description of Bob's corpse is nice, as well - probably my favorite description in the story.

Cons:

For me, much too wordy.  The camera directions pulled me away from the story.  I found myself lost in the lengthy scene descriptions, which just took away from the impact of the tale, and wore me down.  My suggestion: streamline this considerably....and see where it goes from there!
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pwhitcroft
Posted: February 26th, 2011, 6:12pm Report to Moderator
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These are notes I made as I read:

Pg 1 – Without reading a word I’m see big blocks of text that put me off straight away. Also I see a “CUT TO:”, and then see “.” used in the scene headings, which is likely a problem in spec script format. If I was a pro-reader I think I’d throw this away immediately, let’s see if I’d be wrong to do so.

Having read the first page I’d say there is a good bet this is a pisstake. If I’m wrong I apologize.

Pg 12 – Having looked over this I see a potentially entertaining story not told very well.

If you are a new writer you have a suspicious ability to press all the wrong buttons, but I wish you luck with learning the craft.


Philip


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Sandra Elstree.
Posted: February 26th, 2011, 7:46pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


What if the Hokey Pokey, IS what it's all about?

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Well my goodness, the thick blocks of text certainly do not hinder your ability to tell a good story.

*Don’t use quote marks in a script, unless you feel like living on the edge.  

The following slug goes down in my personal history as being one of the most interesting ones I've seen.

EXT. EADRIC RIDING ALONG WITH HIS BAND OF MEN – AFTERNOON



One of the most interesting slugs I’ve ever read.

Can you please tell me what the message was that turned up as code?

[PLEASEINSERT\PRERENDERUNICODE{Â ̆A ̆A}INTOPREAMBLE]WITCH#3 "Where doomsday may thunder and
lighten"

Good title. Good logline. Good story.

Sandra



A known mistake is better than an unknown truth.
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wannabe
Posted: February 26th, 2011, 8:08pm Report to Moderator
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I'm going to guess that you are a short story writer taking a first leap into screenwriting.  The wordy action blocks give it away.  Think "visual".  This was visual but you you could have done it in half the words.  

You created a cool atmosphere but I feel the meat of your story is buried.  Best way to learn screenwriting is to read a lot of screenplays.  Just remember to keep your action lean.  That way it moves along quickly and your story and characters will shine.

Nice job though...keep it up.
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Ledbetter
Posted: February 26th, 2011, 8:12pm Report to Moderator
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Decent story all around but...

Well everyone else has pretty much sumed it up. Large blocks of text, very wordy, simple mistakes that can be easily corrected with patience and some study.

Well done completing the OWC

Shawn.....><
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shootingduck
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There isn't really much of a storyline here.  You basically have an unseen character retelling a myth while a man walks through a bookstore.  Your visuals "coming alive" on the pages of the book are interesting, but your main character here is the man in the bookstore and you give us no reason to care about him.  He is not interesting.  My feeling is that this character needs to be fleshed out and you need to do more showing rather than telling, using your interesting visuals to tell the story rather than just having the voice recite it.
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