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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Screenwriting Discussion    Script Review Exchange  ›  Screenplay Review Exchange Moderators: the goose
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  Author    Screenplay Review Exchange   (currently 634 views)
datha
Posted: March 31st, 2018, 4:41am Report to Moderator
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I am looking for a screenplay exchange.

My screenplay 8 WEEKS is a Sci-Fi/Thriller, 110 pages long (including title page), a lot of white spaces, easy read. It was a finalist in a couple of screenplay competitions, back in 2014/2015.

LOGLINE : A young couple (MAGGIE and ERIC) is lured into an upscale apartment building where other young tenants vanish without a trace. Paranoid by nature and under heavy stress from her job, MAGGIE suspects that her influential neighbors are in on an intricate conspiracy to end the world as we know it.

I'll be glad to read your screenplay and give my honest opinion on it.

My screenplay is not posted here since it is under development: I am trying to produce it...

Please, PM me if you are interested...

Thanks,
datha
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CrackedAces
Posted: April 1st, 2018, 3:21pm Report to Moderator
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Sure, I'll exchange reads with you.  Mine is "Little Alien" a Sci Fi.

Steve


[color=blue][/color]Take a look at my Scripts "Fire Dancer" 115 pages (Liken to a "Miss Rambo meets Rounders," with Spiders, Scorpions, and Snakes -- Oh My.)

"Springtime in Alaska" 8 pages (Taken from Cold Dead Fingers)

"Little Alien"(What happens in Area-51 stays in Area-51.) The earth nations are warned to disassemble all nukes; or else! 58 pages.
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datha
Posted: April 2nd, 2018, 6:34am Report to Moderator
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Thank you, Steve.

I will review "Little Alien" and "springtime in Alaska"...

datha
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Gerasimos
Posted: April 2nd, 2018, 11:44am Report to Moderator
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Here is my review on 8 weeks.
First of all it looks like a professionally written script. Almost no grammar/formatting errors at all. I give it 5/5 easily. Just a few page by page notes...
page 5- remove socialists (just by their looks, how can you actually tell who's a socialist) red-flag-waving and chanting anarchists sounds perfect
page 7- Eric goes to her. comforts. (double punctuation- full stop)
page 7-Sirens of emergency... can be heard... (verb-we hear?)
page 8- description of Bernard: retired law enforcement officer...working as the Head of Security.. - (good backstory, but it's something that we cannot infer from the image of him alone - it�s something the audience won�t learn from this moment-just the security officer or something is enough I guess)
page 12- ...And she walks... (need some kind of a beat before 'and'? typo?)
page 25-and she's regretted it.. (she's regretting* it/she regrets it)
pages 31-32 Eric and Maggie go to bed and sleep... next scene heading is Later and the next is Night again inside room 2025. Is this the same night or another night? Most of the times it's pretty obvious, some others, not...
page 36 ...my mother had wanted (wanted/always wanted)
page 55 ... how we married (how we got married)

Use (CONT'D) in dialogues all the time, or don't use them at all. Use Continued at the end of the page when needed.

Pros
The concept is really unique. I liked it a lot. 5/5
The build up of Maggie (protagonist) is exceptional and very well placed throughout the script 5/5. The strongest point of her character is that she constantly flows among reality and her 'delusional self ego'.
The set up of Alain, the 'catalyst/stakes character' is great too. Although I sincerely believe it's coming a bit late.. 5/5
The set up of the rest (including Eric), looks pretty solid too. 4/5
The tone looks second to none. 5/5
Dialogue looks fine. I believe however, that there is just too much info here and there, unrelated to the development of the script's theme. 3/5

Cons
Pacing. I expected the 'turning point/plot twist' towards the truth (what is really happening) to occur much earlier. Yes, there is a sense of 'something is happening' or 'something is not right' flowing around, but it was not until the page 73 that Alain meets with Maggie, that I was really convinced that there is definitely something fucked up going on. It looked to me like a casual story till page 73, and then... BANG! the script skyrockets! Agony, anxiety, interest! Wish it had come much sooner. 2/5 for the first 70 pages or so, 5/5 for the last part^^.
Scenes. What I really, really didn't like about the script, was the nonstop repetition of the riots/protests/etc scenes. At first, I was trying to focus on them really hard, because I thought there was some point on them, until I realized, there was none. Or to say the least, I didn't find a reason for them to exist, so many times around your script. Just to be clear, I'm talking about the superfluous details in your descriptions blocks. 2/5. Of course, if you 're the one producing it, it's fine!

Same goes for the 3 songs you have in your script. If you're the one producing it, go for them. If not, what about rights?

The script was great. I give it 4/5.

Couple questions for you to consider. I went through these, more than just a few times. Still confused.
What made Maggie consider that Alain was Bernard?
Real Alain was alive (until the gunshots) but Bernard was also found dead afterwards. Just a bit confusing. I guess noone's brain survived.... (besides Mrs Romanoff's brain into Maggie's body )
Why did the protesters didn't just call an ambulance but instead they carried her over to the clinic? Just because it was just a few feet away doesn't make a lot of sense (she was hit by a car, she didn't need a brain surgery or something > private clinic).


Features:
KTT PART ONE: THE POLAR CABAL
NIHILUM - A LORD OF THE RINGS STORY
EGEND

SHORTS:
LOST SOULS
WHEN ANGELS SING


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datha
Posted: April 2nd, 2018, 5:15pm Report to Moderator
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Thank you, Gerasimos!

Very useful review!
And, too generous in stars: I never give 5/5 stars to spec screenplays

But, thanks again!
datha
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datha
Posted: April 3rd, 2018, 10:55am Report to Moderator
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Oops, I forget to answer your questions.

"What made Maggie consider that Alain was Bernard?"

There were 3 things why she thought that Alain was Bernard:

1. Bernard was always meeting people with "Bonjour..." and that's how Alain answered her phone call.
2. Alain was biting his fingernails, Bernard did not.
3. Bernard liked to pat people, Alain rather would not touch them.

"Just a bit confusing. I guess noone's brain survived.... (besides Mrs Romanoff's brain into Maggie's body )"

You are right. No one survived besides Mrs. Romanoff.

"Why did the protesters didn't just call an ambulance but instead they carried her over to the clinic? Just because it was just a few feet away doesn't make a lot of sense (she was hit by a car, she didn't need a brain surgery or something > private clinic)."

You probably missed the place where one of the protesters suggests to call the ambulance, but the others ignore him. City public services were deteriorated due to the crisis. (that's why so much amphases about the crisis)

Moving Maggie to Dr. Gravel's multi-profile clinic, (as you know, it was not only a neurological clinic) that was a couple of feets evey, sounded much more resonable, than leaving her on the pavement - in a Montreal's frizing winter - waiting for an ambulance that could never come.

Besides, I thought that it was obvious that Maggie got head injury, while she felt on the pavement, hit by a car. (We see her later in the clinic room with her head bandaged)
But, looks like it was not that obvious and I will change it. Thank you for that.

I hope my explanations answered your questions.

Thanks again for your great review and interesting questions.

Revision History (1 edits)
datha  -  April 3rd, 2018, 4:54pm
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datha
Posted: April 19th, 2018, 12:01am Report to Moderator
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If anyone else want to exchange the reviews, please let me know.

So far, I made a screenplay exchange with 3 members:

Gerasimos,
Cooper,
and CrackedAces.

Cooper and Gerasimos give me very thoughtful and extremely helpful reviews - so I highly recommend these 2 members for the review exchange.

Not only you get good reviews, but you will read their good screenplays too... And you will learn a couple of helpful things from them.

Unfortunately, I can't say the same thing about CrackedAces (Steve)...

I reviewed his two screenplays and all I got back from him was his "critique" of... First 8 pages of my screenplay! (and, it took him 2 weeks to read and "critique" 8 pages. lol)

This guy is a joke, don't expect any reciprocation from him.
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datha
Posted: May 1st, 2018, 7:34pm Report to Moderator
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Anyone else for a review exchange?

I just finished my review exchange with colkurz8.

He give me a great review - very useful!
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Sham
Posted: May 3rd, 2018, 2:00pm Report to Moderator
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I sent you a private message.


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datha
Posted: May 7th, 2018, 5:20am Report to Moderator
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I want to thank Sham for his very helpful review!

(I think his review was much helpful for me than my review was for him. Another great review exchange!)

If anyone else interested to exchange the reviews, please, let me know.

Thanks,
datha

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colkurtz8
Posted: May 19th, 2018, 4:39am Report to Moderator
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Nice one, David, you gave me some insightful notes too.

A worthwhile exchange.


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DanQ
Posted: June 3rd, 2018, 10:43pm Report to Moderator
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I would be happy to exchange screenplays with anyone who would like to. Mine takes place in a futuristic society where all citizens have an agreed upon passing date, the age of 75. It centers around the quest of two people to uncover a conspiracy to cheat the system by a small portion of the population.
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datha
Posted: June 4th, 2018, 7:12am Report to Moderator
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Hi DanQ,

Please, check your PM.

Thanks
datha
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medstudent
Posted: June 6th, 2018, 12:51pm Report to Moderator
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Datha,

I have a new horror feature I am looking to exchange if you are still interested? Let me know and I can email the script.

Joseph


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datha
Posted: June 6th, 2018, 3:02pm Report to Moderator
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Hi Joseph,

I'll be glad to exchange my review with you. Please, send it to me and I will read it.

Thanks,
datha
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