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The October One Week Challenge scripts are being posted here
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Friday The 13th : Rotten Flesh by M. Bowman (scoob) - Horror - Henry Matterson, a real estate millionaire, seeks vengeance on a bitter rival and will go to extreme lengths to get it. His target is Camp Forest Green, formerly Camp Crystal Lake, and the infamous site is host to yet another bunch of naive youngsters. As Matterson's obsessive quest takes a turn into witchcraft and voodoo, he rises legendary slasher Jason Voorhees for more blood and violence, believing he has the power to control him. But nothing can control evil, can it? - html, format
I'm sending this to my PC scoob, as I'm not at my house... but I did read the 1st few pages and I'm actually very impressed so far.
I do not like Fan Fiction, I loath it. I've only liked one other Fan Fiction screenplay and much to my surprise it's actually the best screenplay on this site... "GOONIES NEVER SAY DIE" fantastic read.
Anyways, your format is BAM! and I'm really drawn into the way you ease us into the different characters actions. You do it very well. I'm actually very impressed so far with what I've read, even more so cause this is a Jason script.
I'll read it over the weekened and get back with you soon...
Hey, i read the script, and i liked it. I thought it was great.......up until you killed Alica. I hate when people do this, they put the last liviing girl in the b ig action where she mostly fights off Jason saves Paul, and then wham! she gets killed, and you let Paul live? Come on. I like the whole sotry idea and script, but you have to go back and let Alice and Paul both survive.
It just dropped my attention to read it, after she died, i quit reading.
Buried Secrets (Tenative Title): Pre-Pre Production (2009-2010)
Why? I know you ruined the ending for me, but no harm no fowl... I still, however, feel that him killing off the girl is actually more original than any Fan Fiction screenplay up here. How many times does the girl live in a movie? How many? All the time, so he threw you and me and everyone else who reads it a curve ball. I say about F**king TIME!!!
Scoob, I'll finish reading this, probably tomorrow as it is Saturday and I've got some things planned with some friends as I will be departing for England here soon.
I dunno, killing off the main character is something that doesn't happen a lot. I think aside from a handful of movies, and my COFFIN CANYON movies and all my shorts almost... I don't think of anyone who does this.
I congratulate his on this and look forward to finishing it, now more than ever!
I read the first ten pages and I'm already liking it. I'm a huge fan of the Friday movies and I think this has some real potential. The only thing I'm disappointed with so far is that it didn't open on a kill. I can't think of a Friday the 13th movie that didn't open on a kill, but that doesn't matter as I'm sure there will be plenty more of it down the track.
I'm looking forward to all the cliches like the obligatory sex scene and how some stupid teenager will go outside to investiage a strange noise. Hope you'll deliver on all of these things.
I'll read the rest of it tomorrow and give you my full review then.
I look at it like this, if Jason gets ahold of Paul's head and starts squeezing it, and Alicia can beat on Jason to save Paul, then when Alicia is slamed in the head with a pipe, then Paul should have done the same thing to save Alicia.
Buried Secrets (Tenative Title): Pre-Pre Production (2009-2010)
Actually Part 5 opened in a Dream Sequence kill, but its still a kill. In fact, its two of them.
Anyway, I read the script and I thought it was pretty average for a Friday the 13th movie. I mean, Jason was killed literally three paragraphs before the movie ended so I really think you need to rework the ending so that Alicia lives, coz that just sucks.
As i was reading i was trying to imagine wat the film would look like and i came to the conclusion that it is ultimately not scary. I mean every Friday movie scared me to some degree, weather its a body being thrown through a window or Jason suddenly popping out at someone. This is hard to imagine being scary at all.
The disappointing thing is that you broke the cardinal Friday Rule: always have two horny teens having sex, this did not happen. I'm not a sex maniac, I'm just saying that its a tradition and must be upheld.
Another thing is that after Jason wakes up, he just walks around for about thirty pages. Almost nothing happens for the first sixty pages. None of the teens are stalked and die, and then you cram all of the deaths within a space of sort of twenty pages or so. This just feels like Jason kills too much, although he really doesn't. I think the killings should be spread out more evenly.
When you started having characters rambling on about Voodoo Curses and Norse Gods I kinda checked out a little bit. I thought that it really had nothing to do with anything and ultimately you really don't need to explain how Jason was brought back to life, we jsut assume he has somehow. I read the rest of the script just to see how it ended, and I was disappointed.
I like that you totally ignored Jason X and this script is resonably well written. It certainly has its glorious moments where you can just picture it. I laughed a few times but im afraid to say I rolled my eyes one too many times.
This is not meant to insult you or your abilities, I think based on this you're a very talented writer and I just think you should spend a bit more time refining the story. I am looking forward to reading your next draft of this and I hope that I haven't offended you or anything.
Alright, done... I've been busy this weekend and was worried I wasn't gonna be around to doing this. I read some of it at the Gym today and the rest just minutes ago.
I like your writing. By & large it's really polished stuff. You do have moments where you simply get away from the standards of the business, but they are few and far between. For instance sometimes you use a specific item to explain the scene and it's rough for some people to gather that up.
I don't have a problem with your dialogue, again, by and large it was very well crafted. I think it got a bit rough a time or two but you quickly pulled it back together.
As a friday the 13th movie, this was one of the best I'd ever wish to see. It wasn't like all the others and that's what makes this one stand out so well. It really has a different standard to it. Almost like you could do a prequl and start your own franchise with the use of a proven character.
I loved the fact you didnt' kill, kill, kill, at the off set of the movie. It built tension and gave us time to like the characters you were gonna kill or hate them for that matter. I have no qualms about this at all. As a Fth13th movie, yeah, some are gonna b****... however, this blows every Friday the 13th movie I've read out of the water... It's written better, has better idea's and makes much more sense.
I am a huge fan of the way you portrayed Jason... I thought you kept him very much by the book and didn't step on toes in the process. I really dig this Jason.
I do think that the backing story you tell early on, maybe 15 or 16th page about Jason drowning as a little boy was forced... change that around, maybe take it out. Have everyone already know about it. He's a local legend afterall and it's a very small township that boarders it. Everyone should know about it... EVERYONE!!!!!
I would have loved to have seen Henery put more of a fight up with Jason. I almost keyed in on the fact Jason was a bit bothered by Henery and just wanted him to die. I really want to see Jason get rocked by some dude, not like get his A** kicked really but like you know... get a good fight going on with someone and have Jason almost agitated by it and then finally brutally slay the guy. You picked up on it a bit with the way he thrust his machette into his back, but you didnt' go into it all... I really wish you'd have shown this aspect a bit.
I don't like the use of POV much... I've used it 2 times in my screenplays and I've wrote over 45 now. I don't like it. There are ways to show something from someone's view point without the dumbed down POV getting in the way. It shows GREEN and inexperienced all over it, I believe.
I do believe sometimes, only sometimes, you are too spot on in dialogue. "HE WILL NEVER MAKE IT THAT FAR ON FOOT" for instance. could and should be like this "HE'll NEVER MAKE IT ON FOOT, NOT THAT FAR" it jsut seems more natural to me... maybe more like something I'd say and not a robot would say.
Sometimes you also get away into storybook telling and not screenplay telling. You know what I mean? Like, you will almost explain it as a story... HOWEVER, SHE FALLS BACK and stuff like that. It's not needed. It could be simply "SHE's KNOCKED BACK FROM THE GUN BLAST"
You run off at the end and start telling a story again... She's too far in grief and stuff, you can't show that on camera... Just say she's crying or panicked upset or something. We don't know how to show she's upset by the death of all her friends. That's a storybook, not a screenplay... you know?
In the end, BY & LARGE, you wrote a good story... It's got elements of screenplay and storybook in it and that's the only real downfall I can see. You did something different with the character and you did what you said you'd do. Make something very different. I agree with you and you did just that.
I don't like the way the ending went down, the way you describe it, almost seems like you resorted back to telling a story rather than writing a screenplay. IT'S HIS GAME and stuff, doesn't need to be in there unless you have Jason carrying like, CANDY LAND, under his arm from his house... so we know infact, it is his game. << You know?
The ending was sudden... I think, should this be made into a movie... you'd need a little more meat at the end. Just a bit. You'd need something to leave us with. This was very sudden and very kinda anti-climactic in a lot of ways.
I still love the bulldozer thing. I love the way you crafted the story as awhole and it's worlds better than any Texas chainsaw massacre/Friday the 13th/Nightmare on elm st/Halloween screenplay on this site, by leaps and fuggin' bounds!!!!
I give it a 3.5 out of 5 -- only because of the story book fashion you adopted in parts. Otherwise, for a fan fiction screenplay and a jason one at that, it's rather fantastic!
Thanks to everyone that posted their views and reviews on this, it is appreciated greatly and will definitly help me out for future writing.
I have to say I agree with almost everything that has been posted, and a massive thanks for all the details that you have pointed out to me
I agree with Chism that the script maybe is way too slow for a Friday flick but that was intentional, I tried something different and it may work for some and for others it certainly wont.
I have no regrets about not putting in a sex scene, that really is not my thing. I don't see how it is relevant in any horror film and these sort of traditions need to be broken now and then. I doubt I will ever put in a sex scene unless it is completly relevant to the story.
I also agree with Chism regarding the lack of stalking Jason does. By the time I got Jason to the camp where all the characters were, I was running out of time so looking back I should have got him there a lot quicker rather then have him wipe out everyone in quick succesion. So thanks Chism for you're review, was very helpful and I really sppreciate it.
Thanks Balt for your're review, it was great and very informal. I really appreciate you spending time on my style of writing and you are dead on with what you have said, also Im delighted you actually enjoyed it
I certainly wanted to make a different type of movie to the normal Jason flicks, I never really thought of making a seperate franchise with it but that seems how it turned out and Im pleased you appreciated it.
I'm really happy that you seem to have enjoyed this, it gives me encouragement to write and put my own ideas into play for more original scripts.
I wont bother with the use of POV any more as it does seem pointless apart from an easy way of describing something I feel necessery to be seen, and you are spot on with the fact I end up storytelling too much. This is something I have got to get out of.
The ending was rushed, absolutly. I have no problem in killing off any of the characters, and I did plan on making no one survive but that went out the window! I was just going through the motions on the last few pages to be honest and I will admit that is bad and I should have taken more time with it.
All in all, I'm happy with it as it is my first script (as I keep on saying) and despite some obvious flaws, I wouldn't change it too much.
So thank you Balt for taking the time to go through it, man, as you know it makes it all worthwhile when someone gives you an honest account of what you spent time on. Thanks also for the 3.5 rating
I'm now working on a new completly original idea, and hope you can check that out once completed.