First,  I would like to say that I think the script is well polished and nicely executed.

My only suggestion stems more from a perception than something implicit in the text.  For commercial purposes, most people expect a feature length script (particularly for specs, or newer writers) to be around 90-120 pages.  The draft that I've read is around 79 in actual length.

I'm not saying it's too short or that you should add anything too it.  A lot of the scenes you lay out don't take up a lot of space on the page but will require more time on film.  But it's possible to kill two birds with one stone...   You have many descriptive and action passages that are 9-12 lines long.  You don't have to necessarily delete them or make them shorter, just break them up into smaller 3-5 line sections.

This will make those areas of your script read faster and it also has the added benefit of pushing up the pages length without actually having to add extraneous scenes.

Nice Job.

Thanks for the feedback, Tim.

Most of the suggestions you made were indeed done in the subsequent rewrite and polish of the script.  The draft hosted here on simplyscripts was the third or fourth draft (I forget which), in which I was still concentrating on the structure and rhythm.  But in the subsequent drafts and finally the polish, the action/descriptions were indeed broken down into individual acts (for example, in some paragraphs I had more than one character performing an action...these paragraphs were seperated so that each character had their own action sentence or paragraph, which did indeed boost the page count).

My final draft clocked in at 88 pages + title page in PDF and Final Draft format before ultimately being registered with the WGAw.  As you mentioned, the script will play longer on film due to many inserted 'beats' and 'pauses' (that is, if I'm lucky enough for it to actually be bought, produced and released lol).  I'd estimate the actual onscreen running time to be just over ninety minutes.

Thanks again for your feedback.  It's always greatly appreciated.

- Lon

Quoted from LRM Lonnie and I are entering this little ditty in the Shriekfest script competition this year. Wish us luck.

I won second place for science fiction last at Shriekfest with The Burnout.  The trophy I got was incredible.  Good luck with it.


Phil

WOW! What a fantastic read this was.

I have just sat at my computer for around an hour reading this script and I am blown away.  The writing was superb.  I could visualise everything that I was reading.  Brilliant.

Thanks, dogglebe.  I noticed they had last year's winners named on the Shriekfest site when I sent mine off to this year's competition and noticed The Burnout on there.  Congratulations!

bez, glad you liked it.  Now, all I need to do is hope someone with a pocketful of green thinks the same thing.

Got a call today from one of the founders of Shriekfest and was told my script Wrath of God is now a finalist in the screenplay competition.  WOO HOO!

Incidentally, I've been scratching my head for a while now about this thread being in the "action" forum, when my script's a horror/thriller.  Huh!

-Lon

Very good screenplay. I would like it to see it make it to the big screen. Could be done very well with some good actors and a good director. Good job!!!!

Thanks for giving it a read, Johnny, and I'm glad you liked it.

I totally forgot to come back and post the results of the script competition Wrath of God was a finalist in.  As it turned out it didn't win, but I was told by one of the judges that it came down to a final three or four and Wrath was right in there.  Unfortunately, apparently only the first and second place scripts are named, though I did get a nifty certificate lol

I did finish yet another draft, and this time I swear to God it's totally done and I'm very pleased with it.  This final draft is much better than the "mostly done" draft I submitted to the Shriekfest script competition -- which I rushed to finish to make the deadline.  

Looking back through this thread, lots of folks said lots of great stuff about the script.  Just want to let you all know it's greatly appreciated, and my next one will be even better.

Lon,

I finished reading The Wrath of God last night. Technically it was really well written, it didn't feel like it dragged anywhere and all of the dialogue seemed very natural. The name Athman bothered me for awhile, but I thought it all tied up rather nicely when Tim saw the name written on that piece of paper. I had two issues with your script I would like to touch on. Firstly I understand Athman and later Tim did what they did because they decided not to believe in God, so they had to face his wrath. However, at no stage did we see either of them in a clear cut situation where they had the opportunity to choose to believe and flatly refuse. I suppose by not believing that Athman's crime was not the work of God, Tim in a way decided not to believe, but I don't really think that is clear enough. As your script only goes for 73 pages and really should go for at least 90 to be feature length, I suggest you write some scenes where Athman and Tim are given the opportunity to believe in God, or do God's will, yet make a clear cut decision not to. I believe they both should be given at least three opportunities each. This would give God greater motivation for doing what he does to these guys, which I think he needs, otherwise he comes off seeming very cruel and unjust. On the topic of God, I've always thought God doesn't punish us, because not working God's will and living by spiritual principles is punishment enough, so maybe God doesn't punish these guys, maybe something happens to them that in retrospect would have been avoided had they adhered to God's will. For example, just prior to taking up drinking again, Bill may have the oppurtunity to go to an AA meeting, but decides not to and then ends up drinking when he could have been safely in the meeting. If you flesh this script out a little more, I'm sure you can take it to the next level. Anyway, good luck with it whatever you decide to do.  

Thanks for the reply, Takeshi.  The draft you read was, unfortunately, the same draft I sent to a screenplay competition last year at the urging of a friend.  I rushed to finish it, and it shows.  I'm honestly amazed I even made it in as a finalist.

Two days ago I submitted what I consider my final draft to Don to post.  It clocks in at 88 or 89 pages.

Regarding your comments, you make an interesting point.  I look at my script, even now at closer to ninety pages, and still feel as though I'm missing something, and I totally think what you mentioned may be it.  

I wanted to make it known through the conversation at Harry's apartment that Athman had clearly made his decision long ago -- being raised Pentecostal yet allowing himself to move away from it.  He's had a rough life what with his abusive relationship with Gwynn, his wife's infidelity and his alcoholism so maybe we can understand why he has no faith to speak of.  

With Tim, I didn't really come out and say why he lacks faith, and that, I think is where your reply made me take a minute to ponder.  I never said if he chose to turn away from religion, I never mentioned any kind of past which might say why he's in trouble spiritually right now.  In fact, now that I look at it based on what you said, Tim's had it pretty good...had an affair on his own wife and not only did he get away with it and is still friends with the chick, but his wife even forgave him for it...and now  now he's the happy family guy without a care in the world, who just finds religion irritating more than anything else.  But, damn it, I never said WHY.  

So, again, thank you, for pointing out the one thing I couldn't put my finger on.  It's much appreciated.

As for God's punishment being what it is, well...that was a very conscious decision.  Too many times in religious/horror films you see God's wrath as being Armageddon, world-wide destruction, etc.  I thought it might be interesting to go the opposite way -- in through the back door, so to speak -- and rather than rain down hellfire and brimstone, just have God take things up close and personal.  Plus, that route leaves open the possibility of sequels (har har).  

I do feel as though I accomplished one major goal, and that was to let the reader come to his/her own conclusion of who the real bad guy is...maybe it's Tim -- but put yourself in his shoes, would YOU believe a story like that?  Athman -- is he lying or telling the truth?  Maybe he's just crazy, and Tim is ultimately just taken in by it?  Is God the bad guy?  I don't know -- if I let my own son die to show the world I loved them and the world didn't appreciate it, I'd probably be a bit sore, too.

At any rate, thanks for the comments, Takeshi.  I'll most definitly be working on that.

- Lon

You're welcome Lon. By the way, are you sure your script should be in the action section? It seems better suited to the horror section, given the supernatural subject matter and the axe murdering. I'm sure if it was in horror you would receive more reviews.

I actually raised that question earlier in the thread -- I have no idea how this landed in the action forum.  However, when I submitted my last draft a few days ago I included a request that this discussion thread be moved to the horror section.


EDIT:  And so it was.  Thanks for relocating it, Don.  Now just waiting for the new draft to be posted.  

Final version is now up.  Thanks, Don!

I read it and I liked it: clear description, good dialogue, and interesting story. Well done. I have just one question: the chairs in the interogation rooms, are they nailed to the floor or not? I'm just curiuos, because in my country they are.

In real life -- probably, yeah.  In this script -- I guess not.