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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Horror Scripts  ›  Wrath of God Moderators: bert
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  Author    Wrath of God  (currently 16586 views)
Lon
Posted: January 15th, 2012, 5:11pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks for the read and comments, Chris.

Yeah, this puppy's littered with flaws.  It was my very first screenplay; that it was a finalist at Shriekfest in '05 speaks less for its quality than it does the quality of the crap it must have been up against LOL  I've said several times I now look at this script as an example of how NOT to write a screenplay, mostly because, as you mentioned, the theme kind of flip-flops back and forth between faith/a lack of faith and God was involved/God wasn't involved.

When you said...

I think you tried to attach the whole God thing on for the sole purpose of dramatic effect which became very evident in the end.  It came across as very tacky.

...proves that I was unsuccessful, because my intention was to have the reader questioning if Athman really was possessed by God.  If I tacked anything on for shock, it was the ending with Tim in his back yard; the rest of the script I was trying to leave the question of whether or not Athman was possessed by God open, I just didn't really have the writing ability to pull it off.  My ideas exceeded my grasp, so to speak.

At the time I wrote it, I was high on this script and thought I'd pulled off something truly impressive for a first-time screenwriter.  Of course I'm a better writer now (that's what I tell myself, anyway LOL) and when I look back on this script, I see flaw after flaw after flaw and all the places I went wrong, where I should have been more subtle, where I should have gone deeper, where I was too generic, too on-the-nose.  What I do still enjoy about it, though, are Athman's explanations as to why God is wrathful; the stuff about God having sacrificed his only son and watched him die so that we'd believe in him, now he's punishing us because we didn't.  If I were to take another crack at this script I'd focus more on that kind of thing, the theological aspects of it, and less on trying to trick or manipulate the reader, and I'd lose the whole Sixth Sense-type twist ending.
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ChrisB
Posted: January 15th, 2012, 10:18pm Report to Moderator
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Your welcome Lon.

To clarify (despite me being picky), I ACTUALLY WAS questioning if Athman really was possessed by God from the begininng to about the middle to 3/4s of your story.  So you WERE successful up to that point.  I was actually on the edge of my seat.  It was a really good suspense thriller up to that point.

It's the ending that ruined it for me though.  Ofcourse there are a few minor flaws here and there (that's just me being picky) but my main beef was with the ending.

The ending is so important for a story and it's really dissapointing when it doesn't live up to expectations.

I stand by my opinion that it's a high quality script though.



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CplManBearPig
Posted: January 17th, 2012, 6:03pm Report to Moderator
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I am about half way through this screenplay, addicting would be the word id use best to describe it. I was pulled in by the 10 page, and the second I started losing interest, something happened to pull me right back in. Can't wait to finish it and see what happens.
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Rkwok
Posted: February 5th, 2012, 4:01pm Report to Moderator
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Lon,

Just read this. I thought it was very tightly written. No scene was wasted. I was intrigued thru to the end. I was however looking for more of a twist at the end. I know it is hard to pull off. BY the time you had the bloody tears, you sort of gave up on the "is it God or not" scenario: there could be no other explanation for the bloody tears. Having said that, to maintain the shock value of the ending, you would need to go through some significant rewrite to keep the balance. Nevertheless a really good script for a first time.


Scripts
The Oscillation
The Standard of Truth
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Lon
Posted: February 7th, 2012, 1:41pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks for the read and feedback, Rkwok.
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Elmer
Posted: February 21st, 2012, 5:09pm Report to Moderator
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Read this. Well written. I've got more to say, but for now I've only got time for one thing.

In keeping with Chris' comments about the incorporation of God, I have to whole heatedly agree with him. Not only did two agnostics go from being non-believers to believers in God, but specifically the Christian God if the verse from Romans is any indicator. That's a huge leap.

Now, I'm not really a stickler for historical accuracy if it is sacrificed in the name of a good narrative. Religion, however, is a bit more tricky. I am in no way implying that a writer needs to become a master of theology before he can write about Christian themes or have the religion in his film, but this isn't a small theological issue. This is the very center of Christianity...the wrath of God being satisfied by the death and resurrection of Christ. Without that, there's no point to Christianity, and that's essentially what you do here. I think anyone who thinks only half-critically about anything below the surface of a film will realize this and then the dramatic aspect of the "wrath of God" suddenly becomes corny and unbelievable.

Anyway, I'll say more about the script on a whole at a later date. For now, I've gotta run. Hope this was helpful. If not, I apologize.

-Landon

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Elmer  -  February 22nd, 2012, 12:29am
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Irishstu
Posted: March 21st, 2012, 5:22pm Report to Moderator
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Just read this from start to finish in a couple of hours. great script, would love to see it on the big screen. Sorry I don't have much feedback for you...but I'm no expert. Just thought I would say well done and good luck.  

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Irishstu  -  March 22nd, 2012, 3:06pm
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Lon
Posted: March 22nd, 2012, 9:18am Report to Moderator
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Thanks, Irishstu, and you too, Elmer.  I'm wondering if you guys read a different script than the one that's linked to because your comments are much more positive than it deserves.
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Irishstu
Posted: March 22nd, 2012, 3:35pm Report to Moderator
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Dude! Positivity is the key to success. No script is perfect. To quote The awesome DAVID GOYER, "too many writers spend too long trying to write the perfect script, but truth is, it just needs to be a good, well written story with the ability to pull in the right producer". The screenplay is just the start of a long process.  GOOD LUCK!

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Irishstu  -  March 23rd, 2012, 7:38am
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RJ
Posted: March 27th, 2012, 7:36pm Report to Moderator
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Lon,

Execpt from the formatting issues, that you state you are already aware of, for a first script this is really good.
As a lover of psychological thrillers, I was intrigued very early on and overlooked alot of the formatting issues to stay with the story. I read from start to finish without moving away from the computer.
The surprising part is that I'm am not religious, never have been, but I dug the story and followed it. I believed the 'GOD' factor in it was interesting and different.
Anyway, even though it's seven years on, just thought I'd put my two-bobs worth in.

Renee
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Lon
Posted: May 3rd, 2012, 6:10pm Report to Moderator
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^^^ Thanks, Renee.  If I keep getting this kind of feedback I might just end up dusting this thing off and taking another crack at it.  
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Busy Little Bee
Posted: August 11th, 2012, 3:22pm Report to Moderator
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This was good piece Lonnie. If nothing else you have a handle on the genre you're working with. The technique of the thriller, IMO, is that there's little question who the culprit is, and this story it's Athman, the man who murdered his family (inciting incident). The question becomes his guilt, and in the case of the setup you have whether or not God told him to or he's a angry, drunk and jealous husband pushed to far.


You do a good job of supplying evidence to support he's jealous with the affair, and his past and present abuse with his ex wife, and the children. I think you have just enough to support God told him to do it. While nearly halfway I was getting concerned you weren't supporting this possibility with actually scenes rather than just saying. Till then there was only the axe glowing, but by stories end you had inserted the bloodies eyes, the name.

An inherent problem is that you have a well educated Dr. who Athman.(or you have to convince) convince us that Tim buys this. I think you certainly know what you need, maybe I'm just not sure it was either enough or the best approach. I like the paper with the name, but not sure it was enough.

...


Commodus: But the Emperor Claudius knew that they were up to something. He knew they were busy little bees. And one night he sat down with one of them and he looked at her and he said, "Tell me what you have been doing, busy little bee..."
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Busy Little Bee
Posted: August 11th, 2012, 3:23pm Report to Moderator
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One thing I know I would of liked to see is that you created a subtext that by stories end works as more ground work for the possibility it is God, then again you kind of do do that. Creating similarities between what we learn about Athman and what we know about Tim, maybe the beginning when we are learning about Tim could of been longer, but at the risk of pacing, maybe you didn't want to go that route. I liked that Tim had his own affair, I think you should you of played with this through out sort of setting the stage of why Tim would kill his family, kind of like Athman.

But good work. You had that punch/counter punch with evidence point in ether direction. Writing was fair there were some errors, and some  parts where I felt you injected yourself too much example the comment about Platoon character, and the long beat when Billy is in the shower. You did have subtext, and consistent revelation which is why the story didn't drag. First, the murder, than finding out Athman asked for Tim by name, then that Athmans first wife was killed, Athman says Tim is next to kill his family… I mean that was great, probably best compliment I can give you how you handled that, and that you knew genre.

Hope this helps, and good luck.


BLB



Commodus: But the Emperor Claudius knew that they were up to something. He knew they were busy little bees. And one night he sat down with one of them and he looked at her and he said, "Tell me what you have been doing, busy little bee..."
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Lon
Posted: August 11th, 2012, 6:40pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks, 'Bee.  Yeah, this script definitely has its weaknesses as you (and others) have pointed out.  I think if I were to give this another shot now, six years later, I'd draw more parallels between Tim and Athman, using one's story to foreshadow the others', and probably have Athman experience at least one nightmare before bringing the subject up to Mary.

But I have other scripts to work on, other ideas to develop.  This was my first script and was a good learning experience, but I'm not really interested in exploring it further.  Maybe some day...
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Busy Little Bee
Posted: August 11th, 2012, 7:36pm Report to Moderator
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I understand. It's good to explore and develop other ideas. I'm sure those will be as good if not better than this one. Looking forward to reading them.

BLB



Commodus: But the Emperor Claudius knew that they were up to something. He knew they were busy little bees. And one night he sat down with one of them and he looked at her and he said, "Tell me what you have been doing, busy little bee..."
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