Wrath of God by Lonnie Turner - Horror, Psychological Thriller - William Athman steps outside his home on Christmas Day, grabs an axe from the chopping block, strolls back inside and murders his entire family.  What could make a man do something like this?  That's what psychiatrist Timothy Vick intends to find out when he's requested by the murderer himself to take his confession.  But when Athman claims he was forced by God to kill his family, Tim must struggle with his own beliefs (or lack thereof) in order to stop the next person to kill in God's name -- himself. 90 pages - pdf, format

i really liked this story.  it really had me thinking the whole time "was this guy lieing or telling the truth?"  and when i finally thought i had my answer, it switched in a totally different direction.

keep up the good work.

Thanks, quadmanjt.  The point of the story was to leave it up to the reader/viewer to come to their own conclusion, and I'm glad you liked it.  I'll be starting the whole rewriting process here in the next couple weeks and will likely submit a final draft to simply scripts by then.

Thanks again!

-Lon

that's a really good concept.  to let the reader/viewer come to their own conclusions about what really happened and what they believe.

very nice.

I've only read a couple scripts here, but boy, is this something. Definitely a good read.

I think this is next years WALTERS nominee material

What's a WALTER?

like an OSCAR only for us here at simplyscripts

Ahhh...COOL.

-Lon

Lonnie and I are entering this little ditty in the Shriekfest script competition this year. Wish us luck.

The script's now been given another polish and I'm really, truly proud of it.  We've been getting LOTS of excellent feedback from various indie actors, and that's based on the script as it was two drafts ago.

Of course, I'm liable to go broke if I keep registering each draft with the WGAw, but, what the hell...you only live once.

Wish LRM and me luck as we submit the script to Shriekfest!

-Lon

I liked the concept. It was fresh and new and innovative, really. I dug it a great deal and feel like this is what it's all about, this is the kinda screenplay I want to go see on the big screen or own on dvd.

You nailed this one down!

Balt~

Very cool of you to say so, Balt.  Hopefully one day you WILL see it on the bigscreen.


-Lon

Wrath of God is now an official entry into the Screenplay competition at this year's Shriekfest Film Festival.  Wish us luck!

- Lon

that's great to hear.  i hope you do great.

First,  I would like to say that I think the script is well polished and nicely executed.

My only suggestion stems more from a perception than something implicit in the text.  For commercial purposes, most people expect a feature length script (particularly for specs, or newer writers) to be around 90-120 pages.  The draft that I've read is around 79 in actual length.

I'm not saying it's too short or that you should add anything too it.  A lot of the scenes you lay out don't take up a lot of space on the page but will require more time on film.  But it's possible to kill two birds with one stone...   You have many descriptive and action passages that are 9-12 lines long.  You don't have to necessarily delete them or make them shorter, just break them up into smaller 3-5 line sections.

This will make those areas of your script read faster and it also has the added benefit of pushing up the pages length without actually having to add extraneous scenes.

Nice Job.

Thanks for the feedback, Tim.

Most of the suggestions you made were indeed done in the subsequent rewrite and polish of the script.  The draft hosted here on simplyscripts was the third or fourth draft (I forget which), in which I was still concentrating on the structure and rhythm.  But in the subsequent drafts and finally the polish, the action/descriptions were indeed broken down into individual acts (for example, in some paragraphs I had more than one character performing an action...these paragraphs were seperated so that each character had their own action sentence or paragraph, which did indeed boost the page count).

My final draft clocked in at 88 pages + title page in PDF and Final Draft format before ultimately being registered with the WGAw.  As you mentioned, the script will play longer on film due to many inserted 'beats' and 'pauses' (that is, if I'm lucky enough for it to actually be bought, produced and released lol).  I'd estimate the actual onscreen running time to be just over ninety minutes.

Thanks again for your feedback.  It's always greatly appreciated.

- Lon

Quoted from LRM Lonnie and I are entering this little ditty in the Shriekfest script competition this year. Wish us luck.

I won second place for science fiction last at Shriekfest with The Burnout.  The trophy I got was incredible.  Good luck with it.


Phil

WOW! What a fantastic read this was.

I have just sat at my computer for around an hour reading this script and I am blown away.  The writing was superb.  I could visualise everything that I was reading.  Brilliant.

Thanks, dogglebe.  I noticed they had last year's winners named on the Shriekfest site when I sent mine off to this year's competition and noticed The Burnout on there.  Congratulations!

bez, glad you liked it.  Now, all I need to do is hope someone with a pocketful of green thinks the same thing.

Got a call today from one of the founders of Shriekfest and was told my script Wrath of God is now a finalist in the screenplay competition.  WOO HOO!

Incidentally, I've been scratching my head for a while now about this thread being in the "action" forum, when my script's a horror/thriller.  Huh!

-Lon

Very good screenplay. I would like it to see it make it to the big screen. Could be done very well with some good actors and a good director. Good job!!!!

Thanks for giving it a read, Johnny, and I'm glad you liked it.

I totally forgot to come back and post the results of the script competition Wrath of God was a finalist in.  As it turned out it didn't win, but I was told by one of the judges that it came down to a final three or four and Wrath was right in there.  Unfortunately, apparently only the first and second place scripts are named, though I did get a nifty certificate lol

I did finish yet another draft, and this time I swear to God it's totally done and I'm very pleased with it.  This final draft is much better than the "mostly done" draft I submitted to the Shriekfest script competition -- which I rushed to finish to make the deadline.  

Looking back through this thread, lots of folks said lots of great stuff about the script.  Just want to let you all know it's greatly appreciated, and my next one will be even better.

Lon,

I finished reading The Wrath of God last night. Technically it was really well written, it didn't feel like it dragged anywhere and all of the dialogue seemed very natural. The name Athman bothered me for awhile, but I thought it all tied up rather nicely when Tim saw the name written on that piece of paper. I had two issues with your script I would like to touch on. Firstly I understand Athman and later Tim did what they did because they decided not to believe in God, so they had to face his wrath. However, at no stage did we see either of them in a clear cut situation where they had the opportunity to choose to believe and flatly refuse. I suppose by not believing that Athman's crime was not the work of God, Tim in a way decided not to believe, but I don't really think that is clear enough. As your script only goes for 73 pages and really should go for at least 90 to be feature length, I suggest you write some scenes where Athman and Tim are given the opportunity to believe in God, or do God's will, yet make a clear cut decision not to. I believe they both should be given at least three opportunities each. This would give God greater motivation for doing what he does to these guys, which I think he needs, otherwise he comes off seeming very cruel and unjust. On the topic of God, I've always thought God doesn't punish us, because not working God's will and living by spiritual principles is punishment enough, so maybe God doesn't punish these guys, maybe something happens to them that in retrospect would have been avoided had they adhered to God's will. For example, just prior to taking up drinking again, Bill may have the oppurtunity to go to an AA meeting, but decides not to and then ends up drinking when he could have been safely in the meeting. If you flesh this script out a little more, I'm sure you can take it to the next level. Anyway, good luck with it whatever you decide to do.  

Thanks for the reply, Takeshi.  The draft you read was, unfortunately, the same draft I sent to a screenplay competition last year at the urging of a friend.  I rushed to finish it, and it shows.  I'm honestly amazed I even made it in as a finalist.

Two days ago I submitted what I consider my final draft to Don to post.  It clocks in at 88 or 89 pages.

Regarding your comments, you make an interesting point.  I look at my script, even now at closer to ninety pages, and still feel as though I'm missing something, and I totally think what you mentioned may be it.  

I wanted to make it known through the conversation at Harry's apartment that Athman had clearly made his decision long ago -- being raised Pentecostal yet allowing himself to move away from it.  He's had a rough life what with his abusive relationship with Gwynn, his wife's infidelity and his alcoholism so maybe we can understand why he has no faith to speak of.  

With Tim, I didn't really come out and say why he lacks faith, and that, I think is where your reply made me take a minute to ponder.  I never said if he chose to turn away from religion, I never mentioned any kind of past which might say why he's in trouble spiritually right now.  In fact, now that I look at it based on what you said, Tim's had it pretty good...had an affair on his own wife and not only did he get away with it and is still friends with the chick, but his wife even forgave him for it...and now  now he's the happy family guy without a care in the world, who just finds religion irritating more than anything else.  But, damn it, I never said WHY.  

So, again, thank you, for pointing out the one thing I couldn't put my finger on.  It's much appreciated.

As for God's punishment being what it is, well...that was a very conscious decision.  Too many times in religious/horror films you see God's wrath as being Armageddon, world-wide destruction, etc.  I thought it might be interesting to go the opposite way -- in through the back door, so to speak -- and rather than rain down hellfire and brimstone, just have God take things up close and personal.  Plus, that route leaves open the possibility of sequels (har har).  

I do feel as though I accomplished one major goal, and that was to let the reader come to his/her own conclusion of who the real bad guy is...maybe it's Tim -- but put yourself in his shoes, would YOU believe a story like that?  Athman -- is he lying or telling the truth?  Maybe he's just crazy, and Tim is ultimately just taken in by it?  Is God the bad guy?  I don't know -- if I let my own son die to show the world I loved them and the world didn't appreciate it, I'd probably be a bit sore, too.

At any rate, thanks for the comments, Takeshi.  I'll most definitly be working on that.

- Lon

You're welcome Lon. By the way, are you sure your script should be in the action section? It seems better suited to the horror section, given the supernatural subject matter and the axe murdering. I'm sure if it was in horror you would receive more reviews.

I actually raised that question earlier in the thread -- I have no idea how this landed in the action forum.  However, when I submitted my last draft a few days ago I included a request that this discussion thread be moved to the horror section.


EDIT:  And so it was.  Thanks for relocating it, Don.  Now just waiting for the new draft to be posted.  

Final version is now up.  Thanks, Don!

I read it and I liked it: clear description, good dialogue, and interesting story. Well done. I have just one question: the chairs in the interogation rooms, are they nailed to the floor or not? I'm just curiuos, because in my country they are.

In real life -- probably, yeah.  In this script -- I guess not.

Hey, I read Wrath Of God, and I liked it. I thought it was good. There's a mistake on  p. 24 where you put Mary's name for Athman's dialogue, and 2 more mistakes on p. 40 and another mistake near the end, I forget which page though. The things I would change about it though personally, is having a little more time to get to know Tim and his family before he's thrown into all this, just to get more of a feel for his character. Because everything just seemed to happen so fast from him being in church to being grabed from his house. I think there should be more dialogue in between.  And also, I feel that it would be a lot better if Athman had another dream sequence before just the one where he hears whispering and goes out to the axe. Because before then, he always says that they're getting worse, but he can't remember them, but to me that doesn't make much sense. Because how could he judge if they're getting worse when he doesn't remember them. Or, if you don't want to do that, you could also have Mary ask him like what's wrong after his whisper dream, and have him say he doesn't remember, like he just doesn't want to tell her that he's having suchdreams, which would make his other claims at not remembering his dreams seem more significant, like he just didn't want to tell her, you know? But all and all, I'd give it 2 1/2 stars out of four. I also especially liked how you described him being in the door knob, and then touching it with his bloody hand, I thoght that was cool. And I must also commend you for killing little kids, because that is usually an untouched area in hoolywood even though it does happen in real life. I also enjoy your style, whichis very close to my own in fact, and you're story in very distinct. However, just out of curiosity, did you happen to be influenced by The Shining at all while writing this story? Not that it's the exact same story, because it's not, they each have their own personality's, it's just that they touch on many similar themes.

Thanks for you comments, sryknows.  Lots of interesting things you pointed out, which could use some work.  I always appreciate feedback, both pro and con.

As for influences, it's an idea I had from way back when I first got into screenwriting about four years ago.  They say, "Write what you know"; my dad's a pentecostal reverend for some thirty years so I grew up with it (you know, "spare the rod, spoil the child") but so as not to turn this conversation into a discussion on religion, let's just say it didn't rub off but I'm not completely faithless, either.

So, I just fused some broad questions about religion and God's role in one's life with my favorite genre, horror, of which I've been a life-long fan.

Thanks again for your comments.  They're very much appreciated.

Alright, thanks Lon. And good luck with all future endeavors
- Steven R. Scheer

Is this the most current version of Wrath?
I'd like to take a look at it.
Gathering a few scripts to read as we head into June.

Horror is my genre of choice, too.

It's pretty close to the final draft.  Some spelling mistakes and what-not were noted my some folks kind enough to PM me here, and they've been fixed.  One or two minor scenes have been added, though, so if you PM me your email address I'll email it to you.

Lon,

I want to post this review on Wrath before I leave for vacation.

Wrath is a solid, beautifully-written  piece of work.  It feels tight and that you’ve given the story much thought.  It goes without saying, that you understand craft, format and dialogue quite well.  But accolades aside, I think there is room for improvement.

So, I will address areas that I perceive as problematic -- for me.  I’ll also throw in random thoughts as they come.

On P. 1, I think you meant Christmas wreaths insteads of reefs. **  Okay, Spoilers abound from this point.

I enjoyed the setup of the Christmas atmosphere contrasted by the gruesome annihilation of a family.  You handled the children’s murders  with style and taste.  Bravo.

P 2,  when Athman walks into the police station, have the Cop 1 react first by going for his gun. This happens simultaneous with the other cops spinning their gaze and reaching for their weapons.  I can see this being a great slo-mo scene.

P 3,  maybe Tim can walk Out of the service at the most inopportune moment.  He needs air.  He's got to get out of the church.  This would be more visual and say very succinctly how he feels about religion – and that he doesn’t care to what others think about him.  He’s an independent thinker.

Sarah holds her tongue for now… but gives Tim “that look.”

P 4,  There are several scenes I think you can milk.  The Christmas scene is one.  Religion or one’s lack of belief drives this story, so use the Christmas present-opening sequence to deal with this issue.  Example:  Tim might do the whole Santa bit by donning a cap and distributing gifts.  But he can’t put his faith in Chrisitanity -- Commercial vs. Religious.  Then Ricky puts down Santa, while Janie believes.  See the parallel?  This could be the segue that sets Sarah off on Tim.  First she dismissed the kids to play with their toys, then she chastising Tim for walking out of church.

On a slightly different tangent with this scene, maybe Tim and Sarah could open some gifts, too.  I’d like to see Tim a gift from Janie.  His response could be endearing.  This would help us see what a nice dad he is.

After breakfast, there is another scene with Tim and Sarah washing dishes.  Why does Sarah dismiss the kids back to their toys.  It should be, “who’s going to wash and which three are going to dry?”  Maybe we dispense with the asking and just show the assembly line of family members washing and drying dishes.

Something to Note:  We have parallel stories here.  Tim’s family and Athman’s family.  Identical in some ways.  You can’t do justice to both in character/story development.  But you can use one family to represent both families.

Have you considered focusing on Athman’s family?  Afterall, it's his story that comprises the film.  Maybe we should see him on Christmas.  Maybe we should get to know more about his lack of belief, his rejection of religion.
Just a thought.

Somewhere around P 7 --  Ever give thought to Tim being a police psychologist?  This would explain how the affair with Alex happened.  And open other doors, so to speak.
Although a police psych might spend more time evaluating the psyche of officers and such, I guess it wouldn't be unheard of to evaluate a crime suspect -- esp. on Christmas and after sundown.

There are different avenues into this story and of course, you chose one of those avenues.

So, I’ll present another, which you may have already rejected.  But I’d be remiss not to mention it here.

What if Athman is a man of few words?  What if he has waived his rights to an attorney, and we know this, but he is willing to talk.  At this hour and on Christmas, the only accessible shrink is the police psych., Tim.  And maybe Athman knows this.  Create more mystery to Athman.  As is, he’s a bit too forthcoming for my taste.  Too “on the nose” with his actions.  This is okay if there is a grand payoff.  But I think this guy should be a real puzzle.

Here's a wild thought.  What if one of Athman's children is missing?  And Tim needs to break Athman down so the police can find this kid?  That would ratchet the tension.  And Athman plays this game with Tim.  He asks Tim if he were in Athman's shoes and he killed his daughter, where would he put the body?
Tim comes up with some wild answer.
Later, that answer is really tim's confession.  It's where he put Janie's dead body.  But I digress...

Anyway, back to what I was saying...
One problem I have with Athman asking to talk to Tim is that he’s suddenly kind of blahse.  A guy spilling his guts.  We’ve seen this before and it's good when it works, such as in “Frailty.”  The McConaughey character recants a story that is a mystery to us.  We don’t know what happened.  In Wrath, we know the outcome pretty much.  We know about the murders.  We saw the bodies.  Athman even tells us that upfront that he did it.  So Athman's story lacks some drama out of the chute; not to mention that his story of going from a non-believer to a believer, is in itself somewhat mundane.

It might have been more fun if Athman said he didn’t kill his family.  And if we follow his story, he will reveal who or what was responsible for the heinous crime.  What do you think?

Another area to reconsider is Athman’s character in flashbacks.  We meet him and within two scenes he is already undergoing changes.  So we never get comfortable with him as a good father.  He’s haunted almost from the get-go.

Backtracking a bit.
If dialogue is the exchange of power or control, Use It to Your Advantage.  As is, Athman controls the confession.  He’s as sharp or sharper than Tim.  Hmm…  In fact, Tim is nothing more than a student.  A guy asking questions you or I could ask.

Consider this:  Tim walks into the room and he’s supremely confident that he can dissect Athman like a bug.  Afterall, Tim is a trained psychologist.   Going back to what I said about making Athman quiet, a man of few words.  It looks like a slam dunk.  Tim should be able to break down this troubled soul… it would be a challenge in some respect.  But not so fast.  Once the confession gets going, there is a shift in power.  Athman is seizing control.  Tim, without knowing it, is relinquishing power.  And so the cat-and-mouse game is in full swing.
By story’s end, Tim regains control… so he/we think.

Let’s say the story plays out as you’ve written it.  As I reached final pages and Tim has figured out Athman’s game, so to speak, he exposes the man.  Reveals what he believes is Athman's attempt to pull the wool over his eyes.  (Note:  I didn't quite get this scene.  It didn't seem obvious to me that there is a flaw in Athman's story.)

Later, it seems Tim's non-belief catches up with him and his fate is sealed.

Lon, I’m a little disappointed you didn’t go for the throat on the ending.  The cryptic note: W R ATHMAN, WRATHMAN, which leads us to...

                                                TIM (V.O.)
                                      What if I don’t believe?
                                                ATHMAN (V.O.)
                                      Then your family will die...

Now Shoot us back to the story's opening scene.  
Wife dead, Son dead.  That little girl hiding and crying in her bedroom, as the door opens.  Why that little girl isn’t Jessica. It’s Janie.  And there’s daddy Tim, with an axe.

                              ”And it will be you who kills them.” (VO)

The Christmas Day massacre, that should be Tim executing his family.  Everything comes full circle.

Back to the review.  I’m not sure I get how Athman knows it's God that is controlling him.  To discover and accept God, wouldn’t one also acknowledge Satan?  Wouldn’t he wonder if the devil came to him posing as God??

I know that Tim had that nightmare at the end, but did he have any weird dreams earlier?  I don’t recall reading any such occurrence.  If not, you should have a scene where he has a nightmare early on, so that we later see the parallels between Tim’s experiences and Athman’s story.

Tim had an affair and therefore, you could say he sinned.
Athman was the victim of infidelity, perceived or real.  How do these two situation connect?  Am I missing something?

P 77  Need a ? to Tim’s “how could he have done this”

P 74  Mary gallantly “crawls” excruciatingly forward -- need an l in crawls.

P 74  I’m unsure about this sequence.  Athman brings down the axe to Mary’s back and she’s still standing?  Then he pulls the axe from her back before she falls??  I’d think that getting whacked in the back would put you down.  She should definitely be face-first down when he removes the axe from her back.

P 58   Mary answers the phone with “Harry” ?  yikes.  Would she be so careless?  Why not ask if it's Bill?

P 57       Athman in a hotel room with a dozen bottles of booze. He doesn’t need to say what’s coming next.

P 13  Maybe Tim’s family should go to a hotel, or to her mother’s (haha) place.  How do they know he didn’t put a bomb some place?

Well, I'll wrap this up.  This story could sell with some changes.  Maybe Athman should not be a believer in God.  Maybe he was too late to believe.  That's why his family is dead.  If so, he should blame God.  He shouldn't accept blame.  I think for him to confess to murder kills the edginess to his story.  If I thought somebody or something else killed his family, despite all the evidence pointing to Athman, the story would be riveting.  We'd have to stay with it to find out the killer's ID.

And so the story would be about a messenger who delivers a vision to Tim.  Of course, the messenger -- the bearer of bad news -- is killed.  Haha.

Keep that interview tight and edgy.  Let the two men seize and relinquish power.  The shift will do wonders for your story.  I would prefer to see Athman as a victim.  Who grows desperate.   I mean for all anybody knows, Wrathman could be God.  Remember the Howling Man in the old Twilight Zone episode?  The old man is really the devil.  And the visitor to the monestary, who sets the devil free spends the rest of his life trying to re-imprison and contain the evil.
I mention that TZ episode because the traveler fails to heed the warnings of the monks.  Who could believe such an amazing story, right?
Same here.  Who would believe a man who can't prove that God murdered his family?

Keep writing and I hope I've sparked a few "what ifs...?"

Most definitely, Abe, and thanks so much for such an in-depth dissertation.

In the last few weeks I've been neck-deep in a rewrite for a script I sold and, feeling I was getting burned out by spending so much time on the rewrite, I put it aside and took another look at Wrath.  And you're absolutely right; there's so much room for improvement here that it's not even funny.

I think when someone's writing something based on their own belief system they tend to not be able to step back from it and take a really analytical view of it.  The story, which is based on a character who grew up under the thumb of a strict Pentecostal reverend is basically my story.  Needless to say, as judging from this script, the blind faith in a greater power didn't exactly rub off favorably on me from my very strict father who is a Pentecostal reverend (don't worry, that's the only thing in this scirpt based on my own past -- I assure you, I've never killed anyone.  At least, no one who didn't have it coming   ).

At any rate, it's detailed observations such as yours that really help.  As I was reading your replies, they mirrored a lot of things I noticed myself when I pulled the script back out to take a removed look at it.  There are quite a few holes, many missed opportunities and though I did want the family lives of Tim and Athman to mirror one another, I don't think I did that well enough.

Thanks again for your replies, Abe, and thanks for the earlier compliments on the format and dialogue.

Enjoy your vacation!

- Lon

Although I didn't think this story quite worked, Lon, I will say it was a pleasure to read.
My biggest obstacle was carving out a block of time without interruptions.

Anyway, as with all good writers, you have a certain command.
I felt like I was in capable hands.  No matter the journey.
The writing is there...
Find the right story chord and Wrath will sing.
BTW, I caught a glimpse of Silk before you sold it.  I was impressed with your style.
Looking forward to Tainted Bridges.

Abe

Glad to hear you enjoyed The Silk, as well!

Tainted Badges is somewhat of an experiment for me in that I'm trying a different style with it.  It's very terse, clipped and immediate.  I'm very much looking forward to finishing it and posting it for comments, as well.

Thanks again, Abe!

- Lon

Hey Lon. Just finished reading Wrath of God and I really enjoyed it. Thought it flowed really well. I never once got annoyed with the fact that I was reading something (which is saying a lot when it comes from someone with ADD   ).

If you're interested, I am looking for someone to write a feature that I will produce under my production company, as well as direct. I have some story notes and a few things I'd like to see in it, but other than that it would be your ballgame. Let me know if you're interested by dropping me an email at thill (a) stlpixurs.com.

Thanks Lon and again, great job on Wrath of God!

Travis Hill
STL Pixurs

Thanks for the kinds words, Travis, glad you enjoyed the script.  I'll check out your site and take it from there.

- Lon

page 24...

ATHMAN
You’re insulted? What about me?
You’ve had your eye on Harry the
entire night.

Mary stares at him for a moment, offended. She SCOFFS, goes
for the door.

MARY - (ATHMAN here)
That’s right, Mary, just walk away
and ignore the issue.
(under his breath)
Just like you always do.

I didn't really get into the script in the first couple of pages, but once Tim gets to the interview i was really drawn to it, gonna keep reading it later.

And good luck.

edit: oh just noticed this thread has over one page and that this error's been spotted, my bad. anyway i'll leave it here so you don't forget it heheh...

I HATE ATHMAN and I hope Tim didn't kill his family in the end.  My God, this story is really scary.  I was wondering why it was placed under horror until towards the end.

That was a good story in a scary kind of way.  Good job.  I got really into it.  I don't know what to say.  Excellent.

In terms of constructive criticism your ending needs a lot of work.  You single handedly managed to take a brilliant first class suspense thriller to a third rate amateur horror indulgence.  

By the end of the story I did not see how God was incorporated into the plot.  I think you tried to attach the whole God thing on for the sole purpose of dramatic effect which became very evident in the end.  It came across as very tacky.

I mean, Athman and Tim are both agnostics so you will have to show me the stages or events that led Athman and Tim to change from non believers to believers in God.  

This is the best incorporation of emotional impact I have seen in a script in a long time though.

I, however, felt VERY cheated in the end, haha.  

Okay, here is how I think this story could be salvaged.

First of all, I had no problem with the concept of God being in the plot but it soon started to take over the plot.  Maybe if you toned it down a bit and left hints here and there.  This was where I thought you were headed with the whisperings and such.  Excellent.  It was hinted at but not shoved in our faces.  

Like, what I think would have worked was is if Athman had NOT mentioned God AT ALL.  Then we would more likely believe it was an act of God.  

Athman could have been the catalyst to make Time change from a nonbeliever to a believer in God.  

Tim should have been the one who recognized that God was speaking to Athman.  Leave Athman totally in the dark about God.  

To the reader it was clearly premeditation on Athman's part but what if Tim gave an interpretation to the reader that it was something more?

How long had these whisperings been going on?  From Athman was a child?  Maybe he closed his ear to God and as a result God tormented him?  

Did God torment Athman?  Was Athman the real victim here?  

Maybe God told Athman his wife was cheating on him?  God told him to kill his family?  God told him about Tim in a vision (because he never met him in his life did he?)?

Maybe God told him to drink again?  But don't let Athman mention God.

You were already successful in showing Athman as a tormented individual.  You now need to show that tormentor was God and that Athman probably was not acting in his own mind but some supernatural force had taken over.  Maybe it's more evil supernatural forces?  Maybe Athman's rejection of God caused Satan to take over?

Whatever, but leave Athman as the unbeliever and as the catalyst to change Tim from a non believer to a believer.

Thanks for the read and comments, Chris.

Yeah, this puppy's littered with flaws.  It was my very first screenplay; that it was a finalist at Shriekfest in '05 speaks less for its quality than it does the quality of the crap it must have been up against LOL  I've said several times I now look at this script as an example of how NOT to write a screenplay, mostly because, as you mentioned, the theme kind of flip-flops back and forth between faith/a lack of faith and God was involved/God wasn't involved.

When you said...

I think you tried to attach the whole God thing on for the sole purpose of dramatic effect which became very evident in the end.  It came across as very tacky.

...proves that I was unsuccessful, because my intention was to have the reader questioning if Athman really was possessed by God.  If I tacked anything on for shock, it was the ending with Tim in his back yard; the rest of the script I was trying to leave the question of whether or not Athman was possessed by God open, I just didn't really have the writing ability to pull it off.  My ideas exceeded my grasp, so to speak.

At the time I wrote it, I was high on this script and thought I'd pulled off something truly impressive for a first-time screenwriter.  Of course I'm a better writer now (that's what I tell myself, anyway LOL) and when I look back on this script, I see flaw after flaw after flaw and all the places I went wrong, where I should have been more subtle, where I should have gone deeper, where I was too generic, too on-the-nose.  What I do still enjoy about it, though, are Athman's explanations as to why God is wrathful; the stuff about God having sacrificed his only son and watched him die so that we'd believe in him, now he's punishing us because we didn't.  If I were to take another crack at this script I'd focus more on that kind of thing, the theological aspects of it, and less on trying to trick or manipulate the reader, and I'd lose the whole Sixth Sense-type twist ending.

Your welcome Lon.

To clarify (despite me being picky), I ACTUALLY WAS questioning if Athman really was possessed by God from the begininng to about the middle to 3/4s of your story.  So you WERE successful up to that point.  I was actually on the edge of my seat.  It was a really good suspense thriller up to that point.

It's the ending that ruined it for me though.  Ofcourse there are a few minor flaws here and there (that's just me being picky) but my main beef was with the ending.

The ending is so important for a story and it's really dissapointing when it doesn't live up to expectations.

I stand by my opinion that it's a high quality script though.

I am about half way through this screenplay, addicting would be the word id use best to describe it. I was pulled in by the 10 page, and the second I started losing interest, something happened to pull me right back in. Can't wait to finish it and see what happens.

Lon,

Just read this. I thought it was very tightly written. No scene was wasted. I was intrigued thru to the end. I was however looking for more of a twist at the end. I know it is hard to pull off. BY the time you had the bloody tears, you sort of gave up on the "is it God or not" scenario: there could be no other explanation for the bloody tears. Having said that, to maintain the shock value of the ending, you would need to go through some significant rewrite to keep the balance. Nevertheless a really good script for a first time.

Thanks for the read and feedback, Rkwok.

Read this. Well written. I've got more to say, but for now I've only got time for one thing.

In keeping with Chris' comments about the incorporation of God, I have to whole heatedly agree with him. Not only did two agnostics go from being non-believers to believers in God, but specifically the Christian God if the verse from Romans is any indicator. That's a huge leap.

Now, I'm not really a stickler for historical accuracy if it is sacrificed in the name of a good narrative. Religion, however, is a bit more tricky. I am in no way implying that a writer needs to become a master of theology before he can write about Christian themes or have the religion in his film, but this isn't a small theological issue. This is the very center of Christianity...the wrath of God being satisfied by the death and resurrection of Christ. Without that, there's no point to Christianity, and that's essentially what you do here. I think anyone who thinks only half-critically about anything below the surface of a film will realize this and then the dramatic aspect of the "wrath of God" suddenly becomes corny and unbelievable.

Anyway, I'll say more about the script on a whole at a later date. For now, I've gotta run. Hope this was helpful. If not, I apologize.

-Landon

Just read this from start to finish in a couple of hours. great script, would love to see it on the big screen. Sorry I don't have much feedback for you...but I'm no expert. Just thought I would say well done and good luck.  

Thanks, Irishstu, and you too, Elmer.  I'm wondering if you guys read a different script than the one that's linked to because your comments are much more positive than it deserves.

Dude! Positivity is the key to success. No script is perfect. To quote The awesome DAVID GOYER, "too many writers spend too long trying to write the perfect script, but truth is, it just needs to be a good, well written story with the ability to pull in the right producer". The screenplay is just the start of a long process.  GOOD LUCK!

Lon,

Execpt from the formatting issues, that you state you are already aware of, for a first script this is really good.
As a lover of psychological thrillers, I was intrigued very early on and overlooked alot of the formatting issues to stay with the story. I read from start to finish without moving away from the computer.
The surprising part is that I'm am not religious, never have been, but I dug the story and followed it. I believed the 'GOD' factor in it was interesting and different.
Anyway, even though it's seven years on, just thought I'd put my two-bobs worth in.

Renee

^^^ Thanks, Renee.  If I keep getting this kind of feedback I might just end up dusting this thing off and taking another crack at it.  

This was good piece Lonnie. If nothing else you have a handle on the genre you're working with. The technique of the thriller, IMO, is that there's little question who the culprit is, and this story it's Athman, the man who murdered his family (inciting incident). The question becomes his guilt, and in the case of the setup you have whether or not God told him to or he's a angry, drunk and jealous husband pushed to far.


You do a good job of supplying evidence to support he's jealous with the affair, and his past and present abuse with his ex wife, and the children. I think you have just enough to support God told him to do it. While nearly halfway I was getting concerned you weren't supporting this possibility with actually scenes rather than just saying. Till then there was only the axe glowing, but by stories end you had inserted the bloodies eyes, the name.

An inherent problem is that you have a well educated Dr. who Athman.(or you have to convince) convince us that Tim buys this. I think you certainly know what you need, maybe I'm just not sure it was either enough or the best approach. I like the paper with the name, but not sure it was enough.

...

One thing I know I would of liked to see is that you created a subtext that by stories end works as more ground work for the possibility it is God, then again you kind of do do that. Creating similarities between what we learn about Athman and what we know about Tim, maybe the beginning when we are learning about Tim could of been longer, but at the risk of pacing, maybe you didn't want to go that route. I liked that Tim had his own affair, I think you should you of played with this through out sort of setting the stage of why Tim would kill his family, kind of like Athman.

But good work. You had that punch/counter punch with evidence point in ether direction. Writing was fair there were some errors, and some  parts where I felt you injected yourself too much example the comment about Platoon character, and the long beat when Billy is in the shower. You did have subtext, and consistent revelation which is why the story didn't drag. First, the murder, than finding out Athman asked for Tim by name, then that Athmans first wife was killed, Athman says Tim is next to kill his family… I mean that was great, probably best compliment I can give you how you handled that, and that you knew genre.

Hope this helps, and good luck.


BLB

Thanks, 'Bee.  Yeah, this script definitely has its weaknesses as you (and others) have pointed out.  I think if I were to give this another shot now, six years later, I'd draw more parallels between Tim and Athman, using one's story to foreshadow the others', and probably have Athman experience at least one nightmare before bringing the subject up to Mary.

But I have other scripts to work on, other ideas to develop.  This was my first script and was a good learning experience, but I'm not really interested in exploring it further.  Maybe some day...

I understand. It's good to explore and develop other ideas. I'm sure those will be as good if not better than this one. Looking forward to reading them.

BLB

Hey Lonnie, I saw this was once posted on Talentville and was intrigued by the log line.  I found it here and decided to review it before reading the latest thread posts on it. It appears you've gone on to other projects and are shelving this one.  I made a few notes (up to page 7). Good luck on your other projects. On a rainy day I may finish up the read just for fun because though I didn't get too far, it was a good read.

Page 1.  In your slug you have Christmas Night. Given that the slug appears only to readers, I wonder if you wanted to use a SUPER to have it shown on screen for the audience.

Your previous slug says Christmas night then the following slug says Christmas Day. This leaves me to wonder if the first slug was supposed to be Christmas Eve, or did we travel back in time?

Another confusing thing is you have "Continuous" but we've gone from night to day.

I'd format your slug like this: INT. HOUSE - LIVING ROOM - DAY   Then SUPER  CHRISTMAS DAY

2.  A YOUNG GIRL, 7, cowers...   (your way was pretty, but when you can, keep the white space).

3. ...and a jumbled cacophony of similar commands from the others. (you can probably lose this line)

cautiously close in.

CAPTION: Earlier.   (Ok, so it appears you are jumping back and forth in time. Review the transitions and make sure it's apparent to the audience that this is happening because I was confused)

Children try their damndest  (if you remove "several" you'll save an entire line by eliminating a single word on a line)

4. And Mommy says it's almost

5. EXT. VICK HOME - DUSK  As Christmas Day gives way to Christmas Night.  (I think you can delete this scene clip as it doesn't serve much purpose)

The family sits about

7.  I'm all for girls having guy's names, but using one deliberately in a screenplay makes things unnecessarily confusing, slowing down the read.

WOW - Brilliant.  Real good read. Love to watch this in the movie house.

Barry John

Man, talk about reviving a dead thread.  This was the first script I ever completed.  While I was very proud of it at the time and it placed well when I submitted it to Shriekfest (didn't win, but was a finalist) I look at it now all these years later and see one mistake after another.  Not so much from a story perspective -- I think the concept holds up, though there were a couple dramatic missed opportunities that didn't occur to me until much later -- but the actual writing screams "amateurish."

Currently I have this script promised to an indie filmmaker in Canada.  But it's been a while now and no real progress has been made, so I'm thinking maybe I'll dust it off, give it a new rewrite and put it back out there.  I like to think I'm a much better writer now than I was fourteen years ago when I finished this script, but there's only one way to find out.  I just have to finish the three other scripts I already have in progress first!

Hey Lon, yes, you should rewrite this.  In your opening passage, you wrote "reef", instead of "wreath".  

I've never read this, but would be interested if you get around to rewriting it.

In my own defense, I've never once claimed to be a genius.