Hey, thanks for merging your posts like that, JD.

It has been a while since I read through this myself, and I was amused (and grateful, actually) that you took that “we” thing as a challenge of sorts, and pointed them all out.

I was very surprised to learn there were so many!  While there is a difference between “rookie mistakes” and a conscious decision to state things in a certain way -- still -- dang -- there really are more than there should be, aren’t there?  Yikes.

Quoted from JD_OK Not to say this is a rip, but it feels similar to Amityville horror, when young girl is on the roof and the mother screams and tries to rescue her. And you also have that close call rescue by the father...

I noticed this, too, and was pissed when I saw that movie!  Of course, they didn’t “invent” that scene either, but still, it always stinks when a recent film uses a riff that you are using, doesn’t it?

The questions you pose as to motivations and so forth are good, and pointing out those weaknesses in the narrative will certainly help on rewrite.  Those type of comments, where something isn’t clear, are appreciated in particular, so thanks for that.

Quoted from JD_OK Did Gaskins die?

No.  I mentioned earlier (somewhere) that Gaskins originally appeared graveside, in a wheelchair, at the very end.  But it felt so cheesy I cut him out.  Perhaps this question needs to be resolved another way.

Like I told you, I am looking forward to giving “Unholy Cry” a read when I can, but I’ve got some heavy responsibilities bearing down on me, and they’ll be there for a while.  When I do have time again to dissect a feature, that’ll be one of the first that gets a look.

Thanks again for the read through, J.D., and the remainder of your comments that, while I did not respond to them directly, I will continue to consider.

Quoted from bert Hey, thanks for merging your posts like that, JD. It has been a while since I read through this myself, and I was amused (and grateful, actually) that you took that “we” thing as a challenge of sorts, and pointed them all out.

Welcome. It wasnt doing it to call you out, just showing mistakes cuz i would like someone to point out mine.

Quoted from bert I was very surprised to learn there were so many!  While there is a difference between “rookie mistakes” and a conscious decision to state things in a certain way -- still -- dang -- there really are more than there should be, aren’t there?  Yikes.

hehe, one to many ;p

Quoted from bert I noticed this, too, and was pissed when I saw that movie!  Of course, they didn’t “invent” that scene either, but still, it always stinks when a recent film uses a riff that you are using, doesn’t it?

You are right, I have fell victim to this aswell.

Quoted from bert The questions you pose as to motivations and so forth are good, and pointing out those weaknesses in the narrative will certainly help on rewrite.  Those type of comments, where something isn’t clear, are appreciated in particular, so thanks for that.

Glad to help!

Quoted from bert No.  I mentioned earlier (somewhere) that Gaskins originally appeared graveside, in a wheelchair, at the very end.  But it felt so cheesy I cut him out.  Perhaps this question needs to be resolved another way.

forgive me if I missed it

Quoted from bert Like I told you, I am looking forward to giving “Unholy Cry” a read when I can, but I’ve got some heavy responsibilities bearing down on me, and they’ll be there for a while.  When I do have time again to dissect a feature, that’ll be one of the first that gets a look. Thanks again for the read through, J.D., and the remainder of your comments that, while I did not respond to them directly, I will continue to consider.

Sounds good! Take care!

WARNING: Spoilers

Just finished the Farm - my first full-length script review on SimplyScripts.

The story itself held me pretty well...until the last 1/3.  (Towards the end, the script seemed to become completely action oriented, resulting in a loss of *creepy atmosphere* - which was one of its' best qualities.)

Overall, a good script, with the following positives/negatives:

Negs: I do question how well a few of the elements would translate to screen (can you really pull off extended scenes of a killer teddy bear, without making them look cartoony?)

Positives: I really enjoyed the descriptions - well done, smooth...and very visual.  (Then again, you *never* disappoint on that, Bert!)

Also enjoyed the thread regarding why Mary El is so drawn to the girl (ie: the loss of her own daughter.)  Perhaps play up the obession a bit more, skewed slightly more to her being driven close to madness by the concept?  (Again, I think 'more creepy' is always better...and that would be right in line!)

Hey, thank you Wonka.  The first one, too -- that’s neat.  

There are not too many girls around here, and I always appreciate it when a female looks at this and approves of Mary El’s storyline.  It does need a little work, sure, but thank you for sticking up for the “lost child” angle.  I still contend that will provide solid motivation when it finally gets tweaked in the right way.

And madness, you say?  Now there is an interesting thought.  Hadn’t really considered that.  But I will.  There is some good stuff to play with down that road.

And I will also let you know that your instincts are quite good.  The guy requesting a rewrite wants the bear toned down, and the action in the third act scaled back.  He wants something quieter.  And both of these are points you touched upon.  Go figure.  

So now you can take those good instincts of yours and get cracking on a feature of your own.  But beware of taking advice from stray dogs, if you know what I mean.  And thanks for that new angle to consider!  All of the best stuff for Mary El seems to come from girls, you know?

Thanks again, Wonka.

I'll write a full review later.
I just wanted to say that this script was creepy. I didn't like the atmosphere of your script, It was creepy, which is a good thing. It'll make people uncomfortable. I hope my script will be good like yours. You're my idol!  

Review:


Pg 2 – Great intro thus far, very vivid.
Pg 3 – Okay, dead bodies, creepy… again, imagery insanely good.
Pg 4 – I’m digging the family. Parents sound nice.
Pg 5, 6– Ooh, there going to the farm. This should be interesting. Huldah and June are two funny ladies.  
Pg 7 – Angel is giving me a weird vibe. Am I supposed to be getting that?
Pg 8 – She stabbed someone with a pencil? Whoa, that girl is freakin’ me out now. And “lol” to Ty’s line : Pencils…great… haha.
Pg 9 – Okay, wouldn’t child services have taken this little girl? They can’t leave her in the house just because she wants to stay? Who’s gonna feed her, take care of her? That’s child endangerment especially after her trauma. Can’t there be a better explanation for why she’s still there?
Pg 10 – Mary El relieving the nurses seems odd. You’d think she’d want them around especially with a kid who stabs people…
Pg 11 to 14 – Okay, the dad sounds like Ty every now and then. Spider scene was creepy. I like it.
Pg 15 – 17 : stuff with father and son is nice
Pg 20 – I like the character of Alona. Is the dream catcher supposed to mean this story will involve spirits of some kind? I mean I know it's mentioned but you never know with some stories. The twists come and come until you're so dizzy you puke.
Pg 23 – Sweet scene with the cookie. However, up to this point, Angel seems to be strange, lingering on evil, is this the vibe you’re going for? When she bites into the cook and smiles, is this a genuine smile or like an evil smile? I can’t read this character quite well.. I’m hoping my questions will be answered as I read along.
Pg 24- 25 – Lucifer the cat! Loved it, except, what’s up with eating her own kittens. That grossed me out. Like a lot. Haha.
Pg 26+ - Haha, fishead is funny.
Pg 29 – WTF? A demonic bear? That was totally and I mean totally unexpected. I kind of like it, if there is purpose to this..although, it seems kind of…I don’t know, out of place. Again, this may be explained later I guess…
Pg 30 – Dead kids! Ghosts! Melikes!.
Pg 32 – You know, it’s kind of weird that Mary El is the one who wants to keep Angel and Greg doesn’t when Greg is the blood relative…
Pg 33 – Okay, she lost a kid of her own. That makes more sense now. Will we get more information on what happened to Mary’s baby later on? Hope so.
Pg 36 – Bear attacking kind of freaky…
37-42: Great descriptions in these pages. Again, very vivid. And it’s getting creepy. I’m feeling a shinning vibe here. Haha. That’s a compliment!
Pg 43 – Ooh, that gave me the chills with the voices…
Pg 44 – Okay, that little girl is creeping me out again.
51- The globe thing with Yoder was good.
52-54 – Not much to say here because its all good stuff.


One thing I'm wondering  is why no one ever mentions the word murder? No one, not Mary El or Greg ask questions about who could have murdered Angel’s parents. That seems so strange. It’s like they just assumed they died of natural causes or something, which obviously they did not.

Pg 55 – The girl on the windmill reminded me of the Amytiville horror movie and kind of a scene from the omen…and some other movies.
Pg 57 – Aww, the cat died. That’s sad, I think…lol
Pg 58 – Okay is this gonna be like the movie the skeleton key?
Pg 60 – The photograph changing was SO creepy!
Pg 70-90: Whoa, there is jammed pack action here!
Pg 91- 108- The twists did keep on coming, but surprisingly, I enjoyed them!


Overall, I really enjoyed this story. It was scary and suspenseful and the imagery was superb (fang/icicle thing amazing)! The characters were also unique and relatable. The only things I’d change, as mentioned above, would be a bit of Greg’s dialogue where he sounds too much like his son.

For instance, he says things using the word “like” which is very immature for an adult to be using. Example:

(pg 35)

GREG
You can’t sleep with us.
You are too big now. You
leave me, like, six inches.
And you hog the sheets.



Then we see ty using the same language. Example:

(Page 13)

TY
Well, I want to go home. Does
my vote count, like, at all?



Also, I’d try to show Greg and Mary El’s relationship in a better light. They seem a bit disconnected. I think they are a great family but their love needs to resonate a bit more.

This is a very detailed story which could get confusing or messy but this story is neither of those things and that is great.

The best part of this story was the introduction. It is amazing. I absolutely love it. The rest of the story doesn’t fall short either, but again, the intro is awesome. It really pumped me up and made me want to continue reading.

Overall

8/10 story plot
9.5/10 Writing style and overall format.

Quoted from DDP For instance, he says things using the word ?like? which is very immature for an adult to be using.

So at 31, am I too old to be talking like this? You don't reveal your age, DDP (although your intro post of just graduating college and getting a teaching certification would put you around 22, I'd guess), but I do want to comment on this bit of dialogue commentary. I not only pepper my every day speech with "like," but quite a few interjections ("cool", "you know") that someone has commented that they didn't think an adult would use. This individual was, of course, in his mid-teens, and had no idea what an adult talks like since they don't live in an adult world.

These two are father and son, which means that Ty picks up his speech patterns from his parents. So Ty using the same interjection as his father means that he probably picked it up from dad. Children speak like their parents, good or bad, and the corrolation you found only serves to emphasize that they live in the same auditory vicinity.

Sure, the comment wasn't mine to to reply to, but I thought I'd throw this out there.

Yowza.  I should go on a break more often.  I haven't seen this much action on my little feature here for some time.

-------------------------------------------------------

Hi, Snake.  I thought you were dead    (Get it?)

Glad you are digging the story, but beware of false idols.  Until this story finds itself on a screen somewhere, I am no better or worse than any other schmuck around here.

---------------------------------------------------------

Hello, DDP.  Glad that moderator thing didn't turn into -- well...a "thing" haha.  Internet controversy can be tricky, particularly when you are trying to appear nothing more than benign.

Thank you for your thoughts here.  Echoing George a bit, it is kind of funny (maybe not "haha" funny, though) how some of your objections are actually intentional stuff.

Greg is meant to be a bit immature, and Ty -- a mini-Greg -- is meant to sound like his father.  ("...they live in the same auditory vicinity" as George puts it.  That guy cracks me up sometimes.)  And Greg and Mary El are supposed to have a certain degree of disconnect.  It's part of an arc they share, but one that I acknowledge could probably use more work.

So I only get a half-victory -- in that you are picking up on some deliberate character traits -- but you do not like them.  Points taken.
  
But I am so impressed on your picking up on those "likes".  Even I have never noticed that.

That kind of attention to detail certainly lends your comments additional relevance when you call certain aspects of this story into question.  Such as the issue of suicide versus murder.  Or the scenario surrounding Angel and leaving her there at the farm.  And you are not the first to suggest that Greg ought to be more of a parent.  Points taken again.  Thanks for those.

The intro is my favorite part, too, BTW.  It also helps to know that you didn't get muddled in the third act.  Lots of readers do, and I still suspect it needs a good shake-out to help clarify some things.

Thanks again.  You are putting up some good reads, DDP, so be sure to let people know when you muster up the gumption to submit something of your own!

Quoted from George Willson So at 31, am I too old to be talking like this? You don't reveal your age, DDP (although your intro post of just graduating college and getting a teaching certification would put you around 22, I'd guess), but I do want to comment on this bit of dialogue commentary. I not only pepper my every day speech with "like," but quite a few interjections ("cool", "you know") that someone has commented that they didn't think an adult would use. This individual was, of course, in his mid-teens, and had no idea what an adult talks like since they don't live in an adult world.

George, I knew someone would say something like this and I agree with you, some adults do talk like this. However, I was talking in a general terms. Most parents, at least those I've been around, and in most movies I have seen, the parents don't talk using "like" in their sentences, that just sounds funny to me. I guess we can have a different opinion on this one if it sounds natural to you. I have a friend who says "like" in practically every sentences and maybe this character just reminded me of her, who is always, like, so totally into using the word "like." Haha, yeah, I was trying to be funny there.

Quoted Text These two are father and son, which means that Ty picks up his speech patterns from his parents. So Ty using the same interjection as his father means that he probably picked it up from dad. Children speak like their parents, good or bad, and the corrolation you found only serves to emphasize that they live in the same auditory vicinity.

Yeah, yeah, I understand that too. However, it seems funny that what Ty is picking up from his father is language that *I* think is mostly language used by adolescents or young adults. Children do speak like their parents and if this guy was cussing and his son was cussing the same, I'd understand. I guess my problem was that I've never heard a "parent" using like in their sentences so it stood out. And I don't mean just the word "like" I mean in sentences that sound like this: I was, like, so totally bored...that stands out. Not in a sentence *like* this one. See?

Quoted Text Sure, the comment wasn't mine to to reply to, but I thought I'd throw this out there.

Oh, get out of here. You can reply to anything you want as long as you have something constructive to add, I always say.

Quoted Text Hello, DDP.  Glad that moderator thing didn't turn into -- well...a "thing" haha.  Internet controversy can be tricky, particularly when you are trying to appear nothing more than benign.

Oh, right, that was you. Haha. Didn't notice, but yeah, I'm glad it didn't turn into something big too.

Quoted Text Thank you for your thoughts here.  Echoing George a bit, it is kind of funny (maybe not "haha" funny, though) how some of your objections are actually intentional stuff.

Hmm...really, how so?

Quoted Text Greg is meant to be a bit immature, and Ty -- a mini-Greg -- is meant to sound like his father.  ("...they live in the same auditory vicinity" as George puts it.  That guy cracks me up sometimes.)  And Greg and Mary El are supposed to have a certain degree of disconnect.  It's part of an arc they share, but one that I acknowledge could probably use more work.

Okay, but why is Greg meant to be immature? It's just that the story is so serious and Greg being immature just makes him stand out in a negative way, at least to me it did.  Mary El and Greg being distant, I undertand now after thinking it over. Maybe she is taking the loss of her baby more seriously than he is. Maybe she doesn't want to let it go and maybe he does. This can create a disconnet. I understand. Maybe you can elaborate more on the disruption that the loss of their baby created in their marriage. That would definitely help the character out. It would also make Greg more relatable.

Quoted Text So I only get a half-victory -- in that you are picking up on some deliberate character traits -- but you do not like them.  Points taken.

Haha. No, I actually just don't like Greg all that much. Ty I love and can take him with his "likes". Mary El is very relatable and I can understand more now that I have gone through the story again. I just think that more information on the loss of her baby would be helpful.

Quoted Text    But I am so impressed on your picking up on those "likes".  Even I have never noticed that.

There was more, I think, and I guess they just popped out because, for me, that language isn't "normal" for a parent. But again, some people seem to think it is quite normal and that's fine. Either way, your story is good.

Quoted Text That kind of attention to detail certainly lends your comments additional relevance when you call certain aspects of this story into question.  Such as the issue of suicide versus murder.  Or the scenario surrounding Angel and leaving her there at the farm.  And you are not the first to suggest that Greg ought to be more of a parent.  Points taken again.  Thanks for those.

Sorry if I was being repetative with my comments but I don't read the reviews of others before posting my own review. I hate spoilers. I like going into stories (scripts) without knowing what is going to happen. I find them more interesting that way.

Quoted Text The intro is my favorite part, too, BTW.  It also helps to know that you didn't get muddled in the third act.  Lots of readers do, and I still suspect it needs a good shake-out to help clarify some things.

It is INSANELY good. Really. I love it. I'm curious to know if you write books because that intro NEEDS to be in a book. I kind of have a business background...I could give you tips on selling your own stuff (not scripts, but books) directly to your consumers. Lemme know!

Quoted Text Thanks again.  You are putting up some good reads, DDP, so be sure to let people know when you muster up the gumption to submit something of your own!

Haha. I will. Believe it or not,  I still haven't written my first script yet. I started to write one, but then got kind of bored with it.

I have an idea for a new script, but I haven't put anything down on paper. I'm sort of waiting for the story to unravel first in my head before I start going at it.  If I start to write as soon as I get an idea, I usually burn out before I complete the story or get bored. This time, I'm trying a different technique, which is waiting a while before jotting stuff down.

Quoted from DDP Okay, but why is Greg meant to be immature?

I usually play “fantasy cast” when writing.  It's a technique that helps me with character actions and speech.

A few long-buried threads mention that Greg was played by Owen Wilson while writing.  I think if you put him with the dialogue it might make for a better fit.  And I think he says, “like”  

Quoted from DDP I don't read the reviews of others before posting my own review.

Like Sry told you, repetitive is good.  You can give additional weight to the things you hear more than once.

And nobody expects you to read through this insanely long thread -- it’s longer than the script! -- but it’s GREAT for me when I go back for rewrites.  You can’t even buy the kind of feedback I’ve gotten here.

And that's why the first post in this thread is a "blurb" post.  A few of the longer threads have them now -- but I invented it  

Quoted from DDP I'm curious to know if you write books…

Maybe someday.  Thanks for the offer.  A few people know that the bulk of my writing is actually in the biochemical field, and all my published work to date is in scientific journals.  And I’m an author on a book chapter, too.  But they are nothing anybody here would want to read.  Trust me haha.  

Quoted from DDP If I start to write as soon as I get an idea, I usually burn out before I complete the story…

Do you know what a treatment is?  Check out George’s Screenwriting board if you don’t.  They are a fantastically useful tool, and a great way to get your story “out” on paper before you start the heavy lifting of writing a full script.

Thanks again, DDP.  I noticed you've put "Devil in D Minor" on your to read list.  Put that one at the top.  It's one of my favorites.  And for "Fempiror", try starting with the individual episodes instead of one of George's long-ass features.  They are only about 40 pages or so.

Quoted from bert And for "Fempiror", try starting with the individual episodes instead of one of George's long-ass features.  They are only about 40 pages or so.

Of course, the pilot is still a long ass feature, but just shorter than the other long ass features. But thanks for the recommend, Bert.

The title is in lower case letters.... Any reason for that?

You're missing "- DAY" on some of your sluglines. I know you can get away with that some times but I just don't like it

Just read the first scene. Very chilling and quite poetic sort of writing.

You're great  with creating an image in the readers mind. I can see everything in this script happening in my head. Even with a chilling soundtrack 'cause you set the mood so well with no dialouge.

A thing which is great with the script is that there aren't many characters and nothing seems rushed. I have no problem following anything.

You seem to have a lot of character description on your paragraphs. In stead of showing it with dialouge and actions. I'm on page 13 and from what I've read so far I'd say this would make a helluva novel! If I were you, I'd re-write it into one. I'd definately read that and reccomend it to friends.

I really think you need to fix your sluglines. This thought came to my mind when I read page 14. Just my opinion.

Ty has killed a teddy bear. I think that's the most ridiculus, scariest and funniest thing, all at once, I've ever read.

"Look.... There's something in my closet, alright?" Hehehehehehe... That part on page 34 really made me laugh. Great twist to a cliche.

The next scene really made me laugh. Seen from the parent's point of view, how crazy is it to find your son in his room with a rifle trying to kill a teddy bear? Lol.

_____________________________________________________________
I took a brief time out of reading your script to watch the movie Magnolia which I hadn't gotten to seeing yet untill now. I must say, after watching such a beautiful character piece as that it's gonna be hard for your script to follow it. Therefore I can assure you that any statement about your script herefoth will be completely 100% honest no matter what. Once again: beautiful film. I'd reccomend watching Crash, Short Cuts and Magnolia all in the same day in that exact order. I'd be a great movie exprerience! On to reading your script again!
______________________________________________________________

A thing that's bothering me throughout the script is that the distance between the above action paragraph and the slugline underneath variates from one distance to two! Example page 45:

"Mary El gazes out a window at the broken remains of the car and  the windmill.

INT. KITCHEN"

And on page 41:

"The car is completely demolished. The power lines, now trapped between the windmill and the car, continue to spit menacingly at him.


INT. FARMHOUSE - LIVING ROOM - DAY"


That last example on page 41 is the correct one. The disance variates a bit too much and it's bothering me when I'm reading it. Go through your script and make sure all of the places have two distances inbetween the slugline and the above paragraph.

There seems to be a slight slip up on page 47. You only mention what Mary El is doing and where she is in the scene. I have no idea what Greg and Yoder are doing or where they're sitting. At first I didn't pick up on it but when I got to "Yoder turns around and draws a sharp breath, startled to discover Angel sleeping right next to him." Next to him? Where was he sitting in the first place? You need to fix this.

This was a very good sentence: "He is pale now, and breathing heavy, finally revealing the frailities of his true age." It helped me visualize Yoder and and his character and the scene a lot more. Good job!

page 70. "A babe not six months born." I think you were going for the word "baby" there.

You know what I just realized? This script reads like the remake of The Fog! With the ghosts and the flashback of the kids dying and then returning as ghosts! And the drifter coming back to her home town and her family and boyfriend, same as this family coming to their distant relatives to take care of Angel and then there wounds up to be ghosts on the premises. Was this an intentional connection?

"YODER
I say you lie.

Angel smiles.

ANGEL
They say you die."

Marvellous, just marvellous. Not tacky, corny or stale or anything, perfect timing, very good line! I officially respect you as a good writer, Bert.

page 105. "But they all know, even Mary El, that this is not true." A sentence like that really has no place either in spec or shooting scripts.

Wonderful, just wonderful. There are many things I could say about this script but I can't really write them down. If I could discuss it with you face to face though. Lol, but oh well... It was a great read. Good luck trying to sell it, I think it has a really good chance! This was a great way to spend my sunday Morning

Yikes….we’re at 14 big pages now.  That’s just sick.  I should go through and clean this thread out sometime.

Thanks for looking Dan -- and a belated thanks to Snake -- I will get around to returning the favor as time permits -- though it may take a while.

If you are wondering what I edited in your post, Dan, it was just those long lines offsetting the mini review of Magnolia -- and odd feature in a review -- but I suppose I could be keeping worse company.

Anyways, it was scrunching up the board in a weird way.

Quoted from Alfred Hitchcock The title is in lower case letters.... Any reason for that?

I think you are the first person to ask, which surprises me.  I had forgotten that.  No reason.  I just thought it looked creepier that way.

Quoted from Alfred Hitchcock A thing that's bothering me throughout the script is that the distance between the above action paragraph and the slugline underneath variates from one distance to two!

I double-space when moving to a new scene.  It never occurred to me that it might be confusing, or even worse, annoying.  An interesting comment.  I will ask a few of our resident format junkies about that.

Quoted from Alfred Hitchcock "A babe not six months born." I think you were going for the word "baby" there.

No, Yoder says “babe”.  They mean the same thing.

Quoted from Alfred Hitchcock This script reads like the remake of The Fog!  Was this an intentional connection?

Hmm.  No, it wasn’t.  I haven’t seen it in years, and I’ve yet to see the remake.  I might have to give it a look.

And thanks for your additional comments -- even the stuff I do not respond to directly is still taken into consideration.  Best of luck with “Filmmaker”.  I look forward to checking it out.

remake of the fog sucked. yes it did. Your script was great, loved it dude, keep it up.

I've been glancing over scripts to check out format (trying to learn it and all) and I noticed that you have "ANGLE'S GRAVE" in page 103 instead of "ANGEL'S GRAVE". Not sure if its been pointed out to you already.