Bert,

I just finishesd reading this, and I have to say I'm very impressed.  You have a nice group of diverse characters here (My personal favorite being the Teddy Bear), and your descriptions were so spot on that I didn't have to reread anything due to confusion.  Some itemized things that I really enjoyed.


Yoder with the snow globe - A nice brief scene that comes comes back into play at the end of the script.

The Fish-Head electrocution scene.  I could perfectly picture the cat being fried, with all of the howling and what not, so much so that I was actually laughing at it.  I know this wasn't your intention, but it just triggered the scene from Christmas Vacation for me.


A couple of suggestions:

Yoder's story of the field fire and Ty's discovery are both flashbacks, and your transition to both of them was done well enough in descriptions to establish that, but they may be easier to identify with a FLASHBACK in the scene heading.

Pg. 98 - Loosing an arc of blood.  Should be losing.

Pg. 103 - ANGLE'S GRAVE - Just transposed letters.

Pg. 104 - Streams of blood wend their way.......wind.

Not too bad considering it took me 98 pages to find anything, and even these are only a matter of a letter.


On the whole, this was a dynamite script, and it was truly a pleasure to read.  

Job well done.


Mike

Thanks, Mike (and Curse!, of course).  A couple of quick responses:

Quoted from Shelton I could perfectly picture the cat being fried...so much so that I was actually laughing at it.  I know this wasn't your intention...

Don't be so sure.  Personally, I was giggling as I wrote it.

Quoted from Shelton ANGLE'S GRAVE - Just transposed letters.

Damn!  Another one?  I thought I had all of these fished out.

The first version had dozens -- dozens -- of these.  And the spell check doesn't catch them.  I will never again use a character named Angel.

I appreciate the read, and am glad you liked it.

Hey, did you know the script is gone? I just tried clicking on it for primarily nefarious purposes and discovered thge link is dead. Any thoughts on this?

I downloaded it earlier today with no problem.

Quoted from Breanne Mattson I downloaded it earlier today with no problem.

Oh, goody  .  Please let me know what you think, Brea (that is, if you intend to read it, of course).  Only a few "new eyes" have looked at this most recent version.

And George...I know what you are up to...I'll wait and see, but veto power remains in full effect!

Hey Bert,
I havn't finished reading this one (page 64) but so far so good. I didn't read any of the previous drafts so I didn't get to see how much more descriptive stuff you had in it but it all seems fine so far. You do write a lot more descriptive stuff than some writers do (including myself) but it all works in the context of your script in fact it may even enhance it because of the way the script is paced. I have not found anything that can't be shown by the camera so it seems that you have removed all those extra parts due to the previous readers comments. The script so far has had it's creepy moments and the pacing is exactly what I expect and enjoy in my horror movies. You spend a long time making sure the setting is perfect and you let out new information a little bit at a time. Considering I am up to page 64 I am amazed that I havn't found any dialogue that sticks out like a sore thumb. You do a very nice job of keeping your characters seperate. One thing I read on some script check list thing was that any line should be able to be traced back to it's speaker and I think you do that very well. I also could picture perfectly a few of the 'jump' scenes that are typical in horror movies such as when they are watching TV and the storm warning comes on. I liked all those little touches.

So I guess all I have to say so far is good job. What I've read up to page 64 has intriguied me enough to want to found out how the story ends and there have been no roadblocks or red flags so far that have stopped me from reading on. I would finish it now but it is late and I have to get up early so as hard as it is to put down this script  down I have to for now. I will be sure to let you know what I think of the second half of the script but yeah, good job at the moment. It looks like you realy take into consideration peoples comments and it seems to have improved your scripts as I am hard pressed to find any faults.

Man, dang it, Burt! This is why I hate horror. I’m a single woman living alone! I work all day and the only time I have to read is late at night. I had to put this darn script down last night. It’s going to take forever to read it.

Hey, on the off chance that last post could have been misunderstood, I meant to say that I had to put the script down on account of it was giving me the creeps (which is good…I think).

Anyway, I’ll finish as soon as I can.

I'll welcome your comments, Brea, no matter how long it takes.  Aside from Cindy, you are the only girl who has checked this out.

I am keenly interested in comments from the "feminine perspective", as this piece is, at it's heart, Mary El's story.  I didn't conceive it that way originally, but that's how it evolved during the writing process.

It may be just me, but I think it's much harder for guys to write female characters than the other way around.  You girls are so da*n complicated, and if Mary El emerges as a believable character to a female reader, that makes me pretty happy.  Please jump on anything that rings false.

And sfpunk, thanks for your comments, too.  I find dialogue ten times harder than descriptions.  Maybe more.  I really appreciate your thoughts in regards to that.  I look forward to checking out your thriller down the road -- but just so you know -- if there are no jackhammers, I will be pretty disappointed  

Now I just have to go figure out what the hell is so wrong with page 64!

Read your script while pretending to be productive at work today. You’re obviously a writer. Beautifully written and well plotted. Maybe a little too wordy for a screenplay though.

After having read quite a few of your comments on this site I expected it to be very professional and it was. I almost got exited when I found a typo on page 103.

ANGEL (V.O.)
And he was wrong about many
things. It was the not the
sowing of earth that beckoned
us. It was not a seeding.

At least I think that is a typo. I could be wrong, English is my second language.

SPOILERS:

Mary El refers to Huldah and June as horrible trolls. They didn’t come across as that bad in your description of them.

I have met women with less social grace than Huldah in my life, but never ever would they call another woman b****. Especially not during a friendly game of Yahtzee. Maybe in a catfight.

I thought Greg seemed like a very nice person. Maybe a little “soft in his shorts” so it bothered me a little bit when Mary El talks down to him like a kid. That also makes her look a bit like a B, but that’s hard not to do when you’re trying to give women stronger rolls.

All in all it was a good read even though supernatural stuff don’t do anything for me, but we all have different things that scare us.

P.S Now there are three “girls” that have read your script.

Hey, another girl!  They are too few on these boards if you ask me.  And a Gator, yet!  (Chomp-Chomp, baby!  Thems my boys  )

Regarding the "girl-factor", I think you are the first to comment on the very minor character of Huldah, and you make a fair point.

In my "mind's ear" her lines are gruff and aggressive, meant to be delivered as such.  But looking back, maybe they don't "read" that way.  At least, not enough.  But her liberal use of the b-word is one part of what makes her such a troll.

Thank you for your comments, tomson, and for *sigh* yet another thing to reconsider.  

Saw the FSU thing and couldn't resist.

By the way, Ty's comments about the record player cracked me up. When our kids found ours they had no idea what it was until the youngest one said " I know what that is. It's a giant CD player they had in the olden days".

Hey Bert, I'm gonna finish reading from page 82. It IS AWESOME...

Quoted from bert It may be just me, but I think it's much harder for guys to write female characters than the other way around.  You girls are so da*n complicated, and if Mary El emerges as a believable character to a female reader, that makes me pretty happy.  Please jump on anything that rings false.

Bert,

Hey, I don’t know if women are more complicated or just more open with our emotions. That works both ways, though. I find writing male characters difficult sometimes because men oftentimes aren’t very open with their feelings so they’re often difficult to gauge. I really have to dig to develop a male character without idealizing him.

I haven’t been able to read much yet. I agree with Tomson on that Greg is a bit of a pushover. However, there are a lot of real guys like that so it’s not unrealistic.

I usually prefer to read something in its entirety before commenting so I’ll save the rest. Sorry for the back and forth thing. (The bright side is it keeps bumping your script--wee!)

I will finish it this weekend.

I dub this one of the greats here on SimplyScripts. I finished it in one day surprisingly...

This is my feedback.

Your characters were so believable. Every single event that took place could be heard and seen in my mind. In fact last night I had a dream of those green eyes looking at me from dark places.

The cat... The cat... Lol... Do not get all ticked off at me, but the whole cat coming up from the grave is kind of like Stephen King's novel. The children as well. But I don't think this is an ancient burial ground or however you spell it.

I wish I could have read the first draft to see how this started, and formed into a great script.

Greg was annoying at times because of his constant use of the word "like". As this movie kept rolling in my head he seemed like Andy in the 40 Year Old Virgin. I don't want to catch crap for that, but it's how it sounds to me.

Anyways. I love it! I wish there was a sequal to it.