Oh yeah, forgot.  Have the children's ghosts do more eerie things. You know what I mean.  Cryptic things that are meant as warnings.  Utilize the house more for effects.
Maybe weird sobs or screams, or struggles.  Reenactment of people getting murdered.
they should do what ghosts do best.  Be scary.

Jeez, Bert

Some newspaper guy I am
Must have scenes of Greg dealing with Dan's death
News stories
Police report
Police photos
Maybe a trip into town to see the bodies
Maybe when they first meet Angel, Greg is preoccupied with the bathroom spot where Dan allegedly hung himself
Maybe Greg presses Gaskins about the investigation
More than just sentimentality here
Greg would never commit suicide, nor his wife
Greg might suspect foul play
If you don't want to build too much around this, just have Greg say "I don't want to talk about it" to El
Maybe we learn more about Dan's death from Yoder
Greg would want Yoder around to fill in the blanks

Maybe a scene with Mary El doing laundry
Or changing the bed sheets
They're sleeping in the bed where the wife's body was found, right?
Maybe they don't even sleep in that bed
Or that bedroom
Kinda creepy since it happened not too long before

I think now it would be better to have Ty in on the conversation before he falls asleep in his parent's room.
Seems natural.

Quoted from Abe from LA You won’t see anything like this again.

Heck...I've never seen anything like it before, either.

I'm overwhelmed, Abe -- swimming in new ideas -- and still struggling to digest the sheer volume of what you've put forth here.

Your earliest posts on these boards suggested that you consider yourself something of a novice.  That's bull.  Don't sell yourself short, Abe -- you know what you are doing, alright.

This reads more like an autopsy than a review -- seemingly every aspect has been plucked out, poked and prodded, examined -- and questioned.

There are things here that I absolutely intend to incorporate into the next draft -- I already know this with 100% certainty --

-- and there are other things here that I recognize as "jump-starts" -- new ways of looking at a scene through a different prism -- and the way that scene fits into the story as a whole -- and these will require a great deal more thought before I can decide exactly what I intend to do with them.

So I must thank you once again for what amounts to the best read-through I have ever received -- flat-out -- on these boards or elsewhere.

Now go get to work on something of your own.

I need a few days to think about all this.

OK, I will hit my script with a vengeance.

I'm glad I've got you thinking about things.  That's what it's all about.
Seeing new possibilities.  Find out what works... and what needs to be reworked.
You're an ace, Bert.
I expect to see you with that script sale, option, whatever soon.

Watch for my script.  It's coming on 6-6-06.  Nah, just kidding. Soon though.

Abe

Holy crap Abe.

This must be the most indepth review I have ever read, not just on these boards.

Wow. Pat yourself on the back.

Can't wait to start helping you with your script.

Oh Cripes,

Went shopping today and was humming Green Acres
And then a flash crackled in my tiny dome
The Farm

Bert -- think about having Mary El kill the bear
She's been giving most of her attention to Angel
Maybe too much
Her reality sets in...  she could lose another child
Time to Save Ty


McDuff

Yahhh. I best work on my own.
Thanks for the offer of assistance.
Me script be needin' help
It's got monsters and stuff
I can only write between dawn and dusk

Wow. I just had to add a wow. Abe, that's one incredible dissection. Lord knows you can't have the time to devote that to everyone, but if you do a few that way, you'll have more read requests than the White house gets mail. One thing's for sure. You've earned my respect. Way to make an impression within a hundred posts. I doubt many people have made such an overwhelmingly positive one so quickly.

Thanks, George

Don't think I can do critiques like this all the time
But every now and again
While trying to figure out my own script, I might be able to dismantle somebody else's work
bert, did me a good turn early on and so I wanted to give the Farm an in-depth read
I want to see people succeed

I think bert's going to do it... later if not sooner
He'll hit it out of the park
If I can be a part of his and other writer's success, great
Because I know I'll get help when I need it

I tend to overedit
Don't mean to, but I do it without thinking
I'm just trying to get writers to think about their work in a new light
So I throw in everything, because we never know what's going to cause a spark

Thanks for the kind words.
I'm taking a break from reading to write something.

Wow sir, your opening has gotten me locked in already and let me tell you something. I hardly am convinced that a script is good in the beginning, because usually they start out slow.

But you my friend have struck me as a great writer. I'll give you my review sometime during this week.

Since this has already been bumped up today, it seems like an opportune time to respond to the extensive breakdown I got from Abe last week.  I've been poring over all of this, plucking things out and twisting them around, and trying to decide how best to put these ideas out there.

There's plenty of gold buried in them thar posts.

To respond to all of it would be insane -- and really jam up this thread.  I'll confine myself to a single post.

There are tons of little things Abe pointed out that I am absolutely taking to heart, but what I'll do here is toss out some of the larger issues, and changes that I am absolutely certain will be incorporated into the next draft -- whenever that might be.

So, if reading through all of Abe's posts was too much for you, but you are still interested in some of the things he had to say, you can get that here (with minor spoilers):

*  Abe was the first to point out (I think) that the house itself was never really described.  It should be.  To give it more personality -- to treat it as a "character", of sorts.  I will do this.
*  When we first meet Angel, her door will be padlocked.  June will go to unlock it, but she will not be able to find her keys.  A great set-up for the payoff that comes later.
*  The above-mentioned scene, and the scene immediately following this, are pretty heavy in exposition.  I will try to break this up with some action.  Abe suggested the Angel break free, with a chase through the house.  Maybe.  The jury is still out on that, but it's under consideration.
*  During the "shower scene", it will just be the boys at first.  Abe suggests that Angel appear later in this scene, as a "protector" of sorts for Mary El.  This is a new theme I may try to incorporate into a couple of spots, actually.
*  After Ty blasts the bear out the window, Abe points out that this is a lost opportunity to have Mary El bond with Angel.  I'll take it.  This will also be a good opportunity to show Ty's growing jealousy.
*  Greg will trip in the graveyard, over the wires, and the gun will discharge.  Make it clear he is not actually shooting at the children.  Good point.
*  The thing with the eyes is still not clear enough, apparently.  I will just have to have Mary El explain to Greg explicitly why this is so upsetting.  Later, Angel will also be explicit with Mary El regarding this same issue.
*  Ty needs a better motive to go into the barn than to hide.  Something nober.
*  Gaskins will still arrive alone, but this will be justified.
*  There may be a scene where they go to view the bodies.  Not sure where, though.
*  Greg has never been to the farm, and has not seen his brother in years.  This is supposed to be a "fish out of water" story, but that's not coming through quite right either.  Not yet, anyway.  I will hint at some estrangement between Greg and his brother.  Some reason that Greg has never brought his family to visit him.  This is a new arc that will also be resolved (somehow) during the family's stay at this farm.

And there is lots of little stuff, too, of course.

Thanks again, Abe, for the absolutely marvelous breakdown you have provided.  You can be sure that everybody else is pretty jealous of all this -- while I am grateful.

You've sparked my interest in this story anew -- in a way no previous reader has.  I am actually looking forward to the opportunity to dip back into this one now -- anticipating the next rewrite as opposed to dreading it.  So thanks for that, too.

[Edit:  Thanks for looking Uberr!  Man, I almost forgot completely....where are my manners...?]

i'll leave the technical page-by-page breakdown to the professionals....

this one i found creepy. usually i dont get creeped out by reading creepy scripts, but this was well done.

nice job bert

*Gasp*

I started reading this script yesterday along with two others, and let me say this. I think that this script is perfect Bert. I'm astonished by how much the story kept my heart beating faster and faster until the ending.

You are an excellent writer, and I hope that you write another horror script like this one.

The format is right on, the dialogue between characters has no stops or awkward moments speachlessness. The description of everything was so good... You've inspired me Bert.

My favorite scene was the teddy bear thing. I sadly chuckled a little at that part.  

Wow!

5/5

Heh, heh...no script is "perfect"...but then, who am I to argue...?

Thanks alot, Sawyer.  Honestly.  Finding this kind of stuff makes anyone's day -- it's what we're hoping to find every single time we log in, you know?  It's very much appreciated.  And the bear is my favorite, too, actually.

My next feature is gonna be a horror, for sure -- once I've finally got "Starbuck" fleshed out to a full draft.  And I've already got the premise, too, but it's the kind that will take a little research.

And if you're feeling inspired -- well -- get to writing!!

I didn't know there was a new version and I just sent out the old one to some agents today...   Oh well  

A great script here bert, very vivid and the atmophere you create with your writing is ace! This type of horror tale doesn't usually interest me, but my attention was held from start to finish. The script is formatted and written well, infact I took pointers from it and improved my own writing by reading it. For that reason alone everyone should give it a read.