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Graveyard by Malcom Bowman (scoob) - Horror - An insecure young man accepts a security job at a desolate warehouse only to inadvertently lead his friends into a night of terror. 91 pages - pdf, format
Thank you Don for posting my script, appreciate it greatly.
This is probably the most vile, vulgar, over-the-top-cartoonish kinda horror script I have written, and I'm not sure my hastily-drunken written logline really gives too much away in what happens here.
I've been writing this for over a year and a half, and have never been satisfied with it for one reason or another. I just didnt like the feel of it, didnt like the characters, the plot was lame ect.
I've constantly rewritten bits here and there to try and make it work. Then, I left it for months to just die a death on the heap where all my other crapfests linger and die.
I read over it and amazingly, I didnt mind it! I was entertained. It was bizarre but quirky. The thing I liked most about it was I hated it so much I liked it!
Basically, this has been a work in progress for ages and I think I have finished it. It's hard to tell how many drafts I have written so there is none on the title page because I have written so many.
You always have to be proud or pleased with your work to put it on here and I think I am with this. I also cant see the woods from the trees as I have been always looking at this thing from time to time so maybe my perception is a lot different than someone else coming in and reading it. Which is why I posted it, in the hope to get some fresh perspective and what you think of this. I've been reading and writing it too long.
I'll finish by just saying 130 pages go really quick here! It's never a 2 hour 10 min movie, and you have to give way for simple descriptions, surely!
Anywho, hope someome might give this a go. It's bizarre, horrific, possibly disturbing and a slasherfest to look forward to
To try and compare, I'd say it's like a demented Sunset Beach meets House Of A 1000 Corpses. Only it's in the UK.
Wow, this was a really interesting script, well paced and very disturbing.
***SPOILER ALERT***
All that stuck in my mind mostly was the ending, at times I had the feeling of what was going to happen then as the pages counted down, you totally changed the dynamic of it and give it that big twist. Really paid off, loved the beheading of Martin, was shocking but amusing afterwards following the dialogue, which in fairness did water the atmosphere down a bit.
The death scenes were very suspensful and interesting, and always had you on edge, I thought the death of Danielle (might be wrong) was quite brutal, making her beg to a God that doesnt exist, nice touch!
There is a lot of overwriting I'm sure you're aware of, as a reader it helps create the picture but as someone picking at it, it had a lot of things that didn't really need to be in there, which I'm probably sure you know
Overall, I really enjoyed the script... but it is very extreme, especially the ending. I think they're are parts that could be cut out, some little chats with (Nasty) Nick, but I guess thats up to the director and editors really. Oh yeah, the dialogue was very amusing, "sound as a pound" ah man, I remember saying that in college loads, you got a lot of good english banter in their mate
I'd give it 9/10 mate. the build up really paid off in this which boosted it from a possble 7.5 to the 9
I read through this the past few days, on the way and back from work lol and had to hide my phone from people behind me so they couldnt read some of the obscene scenes... but I have to say, it was worth the read.
Pages 1 – 6 I thought you set the opening up really well. I was immediately drawn in and couldn’t fault the opening scenes with Kieron and Sophie.
Page 7 – 10 Still ok, but the duologue between Martin and Vince is a little too much. I appreciate Vince is explaining the job, but it still needs to be cut down.
Page 10 shouldn’t pillok be pillock?
Pages 11 – 19 Still ok, you’ve established Martin’s character nicely and we’re getting an insight into Nick.
Pages 19 – 22 We learn more about Martin further establishing his character and Liam is introduced. All characters at the moment are well defined and easily identifiable.
While I’m in the area Page 22 – Beers you bought for me and Shit-Mobile would be better.
Pages 22 – 24 Martin gets drawn further into Nick’s world, acting subordinate.
Pages 25 – 29 The nightclub scene. This was well written. Simple as that. You’ve managed to introduce most of the remaining characters and establish a bit of a grudge for Julian and some minor interest for Liam by Kaz.
Pages 30 – 31 We further establish Martin’s relationship with Liam and Liam’s relationship with Jennifer. We also get an insight into what Jennifer wants’ out of life.
About now I’m beginning to wonder when our journey begins. You’ve got me interested by page six and your characters and the plot is just beginning – or is it?
Pages 32 – 36 We’re back with Martin and Nick again, establishing that Nick is a racist asshole who can’t count. What is he 56 and 10 or 11 during the war? I think he lost 20 or 30 years somewhere. Ok! I understand that you’re trying to make him appear full of Bullshit, but that’s really pushing it.
While we’re on page 36 and haven’t actually gone any where yet – remind me, why are James and Cheryl in this?
Page 37 I already know Phil and Danielle are not nice people, you really don’t need to labour the point. Page 38 Same again with Julian and Kaz.
Pages 39 – 40 More background on Kaz.
Page 40, mate. Right about now I’m wondering if I should forget this film and go to the pub instead.
41 – 55 More unnecessary background to establish plot. Jennifer’s pregnancy could have been dealt with in a page, maybe 2.
55 – 60 Finally! One hour into the film and the first mention of we might actually be going to do something and go somewhere. A hell of a lot of duologue in between.
61 – 64 Martin dreams about it, talks it over with Liam.
65 – 66 They finally get on their way.
66 -72 Pace is picking up a little now, not much, but the wife’s given me a nudge and woken me up, so something’s happening.
72 – 74 To get the lid off the crypt.
74 – 76 Ok with this, Liam’s following with Jennifer.
76 – 80 We now know that Martin’s in trouble and the whole gang friends, enemies, have turned up. Still ok with this, the pace is still moving along.
80 – 130 Big blood fest, everybody dies – jobs a good’n.
In actual fact, I thought the ending was pretty damn good. The last 50 pages didn’t so much move, as explode.
There is no question that you’re a very, very good writer. I take my hat off to you Sir. It’s a nice enough little tale – Blood Fest – and your characters, background and plot are very real and believable.
However, 60 pages to get off the ground is far too many. 20 – 25 is about right, even 30’s pushing it a little.
I’m going to go out on a limb here and guess that most of your writing previously was for manuscripts. Your writing and descriptions are far more book than they are film.
On the positive side, you are a good story teller – the most important element.
I commend you on finishing a feature. Some writers can whip out a short but to have them complete a feature... "Deer in the headlights," look. But having said that, you have problems with your writing. Some parts are written good and the rest needs work.
This is not a novel but a script. Like night and day, Sir.
A lot more of this... The windshield SPLINTERS... Moments pass in silence... He slams the boot shut.
And a lot less of this...
Page#4 - Kieron looks back at the damage to his shattered windshield. He can see a single hole - the size of a bullet - and that the windshield looks to have shattered from that impact.
Overkill-- unnecessary-- repititive. I understand what your trying to relay but others will find this confusing. Just take out that last, so called sentence, you don't need it.
Page#27 - DANIELLE CASEY 22, slim, tall, and very pretty with a cheeky, teasing looking smile. She knows what she looks like and seems to enjoy the attention from the crowd, knowing they want her but can't get near her or wouldn't have a chance if they tried. Very sure of herself.
I don't care what anyone say's, this is not good. How about we strike out everything after your first period and put in, "She's a hottie and knows it." That alone saves you three lines Scoob not too mention it gets your point across or if not, still cut most of your description and show us as your script plays out.
But this is just Ghostwriter.
Page#12 - your voice over phone conversation...
VOICE (FEMALE V.O)
Change the "VOICE" character, throw in "FEMALE." It should be like this...
FEMALE (V.O.) Yes, I know when it comes to scripts now days, there becoming more liberal but not this far to the left. You know what I mean? This is the more common method.
Lost of passive verbiage man, that you can easily get rid off. Yes, I know lots of major scripts are littered with them, but that doesn't mean you need to follow suit.
As far as your story goes, it is bizzare but most horror films are. For the most part, I thought you did alright with your main character. I'd move the bulk of the action up by atleast 15 pages because to be honest, it was a slow read and of course some of the clunky writing didn't help and... most horror fans will probably take issue with this.
You could easily cut this from 130 pages to 110. If you ever hope of trying to sell this, your going to have too.
Wow, thats a lot more of a response than I expected, but thank you so much
I'm just happy you lot read his thing and reviewed it, thats really cool I will pay you all back no worries
Muse32, thamnks for enjoying it and flipping 'eck, man - 9/`10!!!? All good to me! lol Glad u enjoyed it, your review made my day to be honest.
Malcolm3, I owe you a read, and thank you for reading. Thanks for sticking with it. It's not the quickest slasher flick in the world but hey! Look at the time scale on Halloween or Wolf Creek! No, I'm not comparing those movies....lol
Thanks Malc, PM me with one of yours and ill try my best to read and give my thoughts,
And thank you to Ghostwriter22, who has made some awesome points too and I wanna thank you very much sir for that.
You are most welcome dear sir. Thank you for your aknowledgement. As to my scripts - Living With The Beast - a 22 page (1st of a serial episode) will be up shortly. By all means have a look.
I think a few bits might need to be chopped off here and there through the build up, because it would be a shame for people to put this down half way through and miss the big pay off at the end.
Just a few suggestions to maybe cut out or rework the following scenes:
* (Shorten) the beginning maybe, with Vince introducing Martin to the job and showing him around. They begin talking on page 6, and Vince doesnt leave till page 11 - you know what I mean? Kind of a long talk, maybe cut it down to 3 pages instead of 5?
* The banter with Nick and Martin about the Gypsies aint really pushing the story forward IMO, maybe re-write or take out?
* The Inspector dialogue, aint really neccassary either, as later on they don't have a care in the world and the times Nick and Martin are spending together bonding.
I think the above would save you 10+ pages maybe, and still keep the atmosphere. For me, the story didn't get into full swing until page 57, when Nick talks about Grave Robbing and asks Martin to join... that's when I got into it properly as this hidden agenda of his became very interesting to Martin.
I'm looking to cut this down to atleast 115 pages, and following above advice I should be able to do this by knocking out too many unneeded sentences and descriptions. I'm going to try to keep my eye on the ball and keep things moving along.
I need to get to the action quicker so, as you have suggested, I'll try to knock a few of the earlier scenes out and hopefully it wont make Nick's character any less vile and hated.
With any luck, and if I get it down to 115, I'll then look at trying to shorten it even more but one step at a time.
Thanks again for reading this and dropping off your thoughts, much appreciated
EDIT: So far have got this mothersucker down to 120. All of your comments have really helped. I'm realizing this passive/assertive type of writing and hope this comes across in the next draft. I think one of my main probs of late has been writing more directly from treatments that I write with too much description in, with no regard to how many pages it might actually take up. Especially since this was an old one that I tried to "invigorate", I think all I ended up doing was adding to it and making it longer. It was probably better off as it was.
Have also cut out a lot of scenes that probably dont really need to be there. They dont push the story ahead in many ways so their loss wont be missed. I think it will be safe to say this will get to be a 115 page in no time, but I am kinda sad that it means taking out little parts which I did feel made the latter slashfest actually mean something. But we shall see
Anyways, thanks to you guys. Hope the next draft fits the bill.
Bit of a let down but have finished this at 118 pages, was really hoping for 115 atleast. It ended up becoming a little bit harder than I thought.
I'll post this latest version soon and hope it has improved on the faults that were picked up on previously. Not all, I imagine. But some.
Story remains the same, I havnt done any changes in that aspect. Just have tried to cut down the overwriting and taken out scenes that probably didnt really enhance the story by much.
Just wanted to say I started this to late in the night to finish in it one read. I've enjoyed it so far, seeing as horror isn't really my thing, but it sounded interesting.
The beginning scene was chilling, and it instantly drew me in. When you said what was in the boot, I wanted to know what he was going to do with the girl. It was disturbing but I liked it. That doesn't make me sound like a crazy person, does it? Haha.
One thing I'm a bit confused about is you said it was a bullet hole that made them serve. I don't think a bullet would make him swerve if she got shot (which I'm jus assuming since she was holding her shoulder). I guess it would eventually, but not instantly. But back to my point. I think he should have hit an animal, and not had his window shot at because later in the scene
***SPOILERS***
he gets hit with an axe. I don't think a murderer would be able to carry both of those things with him, so choose a weapon and stick with it.
When Vince and Martin first meet, Vince seems nice and is nice and then BAM he's suddenly very rude and this didn't make sense to me. He didn't really seem like he was acting strict about the rules. He just seemed plain old rude.
page 18 - bottom - you tell us more that it's Nick's car, but watchingit, you wouldn't know. I think if there was something to set it apart or if Martin would scoff at the sight of it we would understand better.
page 19 - you say to us twice that nick is relaxed. Take out the second one, because it isn't as useful as the first.
page 21-25 - the club scene, you can cut out most of it because it doens't really advance the story. i may be eating my words later if it does, but you could easily take out these four pages
I've reached page 30 and I don't think I'm going to finish it. Your writing is good, you just need to go and fix minor mistakes in punctuation. It was just a little too slow for me I guess. You're a good writer though, and things flowed well.
Nevertheless, this was a mixed bag for me. At times, I absolutely loved it. Others, you lost me although there was never a point I disliked it. I loved Nick. I thought he was a very unique character. I think I liked him better in the beginning. He seemed like a real dude then and you had the perfect balance of friendliness and his more sinister eccentricities. He was a complete enigma but it was all too apparent that something was not right with him. The tension at the gatehouse could be cut with a knife. By the end, he was basically a movie character but still had a good deal of flair.
Your characters were decent. Martin wasn't exactly a standup guy but I saw where he was coming from and generally felt for him. There is, however, an instance where Liam asks him to save Jennifer, he makes a half-assed attempt then says sorry. Lose this. No matter how you slice it, Martin's responsible for this mess. You'll lose him with some people and this would probably be the final nail in the coffin for anyone who's on the fence about the guy.
Liam and Jennifer were also decent characters. I'd introduce Liam a little earlier just so it's apparent that he's going to be a protagonist. Him and Martin switch far too much between the lime light. Gotta have more balance. I'd cut down on a lot of their exposition though. The scene at the nursery can go. The club scenes can be cut down. You could probably handle the cheating a little differently. Maybe you could lose it entirely but it does do a little something. Overall, about 5-10 more pages, you can lose, I'd say.
There's a character called "The Ghoul." It shows up once then disappears completely. What the hell?
The structure was the biggest issue for me. Sometimes it worked great. There's a helluva lot of twists here. I genuinely never had the plot figured out. The "family" of killers did kinda ruin it for me though. The gore was ace. Way more brutal than most scripts around here and even the rape was especially vile, despite so many people writing about this kinda stuff. Loved the Nazi iconography. The dead fetuses were sick. But what ruined things for me was the fact that I thought this was going to be about grave robbing and that Martin was going to be alone with this sinister yet remarkably friendly cat. It would've been a whole other story but it could've been great. What you have now generally suits my tastes and I think it's a little more sophisticated than a lot of other horror scripts here. I don't know. I guess I was just disappointed that this wasn't what I thought.
I didn't understand the ritual at the end. How were they going to have Satan's baby? What was the ritual? Too much eluding, not enough explanation. You could've had it but then your script would be even longer. Maybe if you cut out some of the rape and torture, you could have it. Maybe you don't want to do that but I think a ritual would've set this apart from the rest.
So I don't know. The structure's pretty clunky and the length is something of a killer but what you did, you did well. The gore was creative, brutal and surprisingly unfunny despite how over-the-top it was. I also dug the overall British flavor. It made the bad guys a lot more interesting to me although I suppose they're pretty standard to you. I think if you cut this down into the early hundreds or late 90s, it'd be a lot easier to swallow.
It’s funny, your first line of dialogue is ‘you’re being awfully quiet, Sophie’. I had a big discussion about the use of commas like this one. I sometimes don’t use them in similar dialogues because I believe a comma indicates a pause and I don’t think a pause is needed here lol. Your way is probably the right way though.
Bottom of page 1, Sophie says ‘I wouldn’t being going with you otherwise’. This doesn’t sound right to me?
I liked the opening 5 pages. I thought Kieron was perhaps going to do something unspeakable to Sophie and then, well you know what happens. Nice drama with the crash and good atmosphere with the wind and creaking gates.
I know you’re trying to trim this so there’s a few instances where you could lose lines. Here’s one; You introduce Vince and tell us he’s head of security but he then tells us that in his dialogue, so you could chop it from his description. Just a thought.
Martin’s first few hours in his new job are very believable, his nervousness and willingness to be over friendly with everyone is very natural.
I’m on page 30 and after a bit of early horror, it seems to have dried up.
Page 34; ‘both looking rough from wear from the drink’. Not sure this makes sense?
There’s a lot of bonding between Martin and Nick which all good but it’s not until page 50 that Nick finally mentions the graveyard. This is the trigger, I’m guessing, for the story to evolve. It just seems to have taken an age to get there. You have introduced and beefed up the characters, each with their own stories but it kind of runs down the drama road for the most part. I’m not saying this is a bad thing but it’s not what I was expecting after the opening few minutes of tense, dark and unnerving horror.
Bottom of page 56, Nicks dialogue ‘...owe you something, than you’ve gone about things the wrong way’. Should be ‘then’.
So the slow build up seems to have pushed the characters in the direction of the graveyard.
Page 62, I think you spell ‘bollocks’ like this?
The crypt scene is nice, I felt a real panic when Martin saw the slab being replaced. This also signals the start of the bloodshed, and the emergence of your weird characters.
One thing I noticed is that you judge distances in yards in one scene then feet in the next.
Oh my, Julian’s demise is pretty sick!
Well I never saw Nick’s twist coming, I thought he’d bought it!
I like the crazy family but it’s a shame they turned up so late.
The Caretaker asks who the police officers are? Are they not in uniform?
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The ending with Jennifer escape the grave gave me the image of the final scene of the descent. I like that scene.
Well this was a very strange script, a script of two halves really. The first half was more of a drama with some good characters. Nick’s Nazi background gave him a genuine sinister feel and one not to be trusted. As for Martin and Liam, well I wasn’t sure who was the protagonist. Martin obviously had more of a role to play but I think Liam had a better story. The death of Martin was awesome though!
When the horror started it really got bloody. This has some great kills and gore, and some scenes are gloriously brutal, the rape being one such scene. I’m not entirely sure I understood how everything came together though. The family, if that’s what they were, came together a little late and I’m not sure why they were living in the cemetery? I understand they were trying to impregnate a girl but I don’t get why? Was it just to have a child?
This kind of reminds me of something like ‘From Dusk Till Dawn’, in that it changes direction half way through. I don’t know which half I prefer, it does feel like two films. For the horror, I think you could lose some of the earlier stuff but the first hour is a good dark drama, perhaps a psychological horror thing going on.
Overall, I enjoyed this and it was definitely entertaining but I’m not sure it knows what it wants to be. Like I said, if this is a brutal horror, like how it ends, then I’d be tempted to cut some of the earlier build up. Good though, and you have some decent characters too.
Check out my scripts...if you want to, no pressure.
Wow, thanks guys for the feedback. Very helpful indeed and I really appreciate you taking the time to read this thing and post your thoughts. It has made things a lot clearer on what I now need to do to with the next draft.
Bangston, thanks for giving this a go. Sorry you couldn't make it any further than where you got but I can understand why. Just to clear up a couple of things, I didn't intend that the bullet had hit Sophie, her injury was just caused from the crash. The windshield had just "splintered", which put the driver off. The shooter is a different person than the axe man, as is explained a lot later on. Not sure where Vince is really rude? Maybe when he tells Martin not to touch anything? About Nick's car, it was introduced earlier so I didn't feel I needed to describe it again. Think that's what you meant? Good catch on page 19, I'll remove that. The club scene, yep, most have said this doesn't really help things. It's there to introduce other characters - kinda goes on too long and it will be worked on.
I'm really glad you liked the most of this ( seem to, anyway ) so that has helped to want me to stick with it and make it better. I also agree with everything you have pointed out.
Glad you liked the characters, especially Nick haha. I think he's the main reason I wanted the first part to go on longer than it probably should have. It is a relief to know that he works as a real person, even if he dilutes a little later on.
Agree about Martin at the end. You hit the nail on the head about introducing Liam earlier and getting the balance right. That's definitely something I will work on.
The Ghoul is a mistake. Should have been taken out and replaced by one of the others. Thanks for pointing this out because I have somehow missed this every damn time!!
Glad you dug the gore
I can completely understand when you say you were disappointed by the grave robbing petering out. I wasn't sure anyone would actually buy the idea to be honest, but I'm glad you liked it. I guess I could be a little more upfront about this in the log line.
The ritual was always a stretch to be honest, never had it planned that we would actually see it and thought leaving it as the ending in darkness was best way to go. As weird as it sounds, I didn't want to go the supernatural route. Whether what they had planned would have worked or what not, I thought best not to go into. Interesting you think it would probably have given it a little more spice though?
You're right about the structure, too. Changing that about a bit and cutting this down to a more reasonable page count is what I'm planning next.
Thanks a million for reading this James, much appreciated!
Thanks Alffy, your review has also helped out a great deal and really appreciate it!
You're right about the comma at the start! Will change that. Not sure if I have written like that before or it was a one off but I can see what you mean, is a funny one.
Same with the dialogue at the bottom of the page. Tried to make her sound "young" (bit dim) but I'll probably alter it.
Thanks for pointing out the typos and such.
The caretaker and the police is a weird one haha. I'll say he was short sighted and playing dumb. Heh, nah, I don't buy that one either. I'll change this too.
The ending with Jennifer - I'm sure I had seen it before just couldn't place it. It's probably been done a few times, just fits the bill on this one I think.
I'm glad you liked , or kind of went along with, the characters because Liam and Martin do kind of switch roles. I need to put Liam in a little earlier and balance out the first half a bit more. Glad Nick worked and of course, thanks for enjoying the gore!
The family under the graveyard, it's weird for sure. But they are not meant to be a family to be honest. There is nothing to say they are or are not, so it's kind of left ambiguous again I guess. I was going to drop in some dialogue about having to go to work the next day at Tescos or something ridiculous but I don't think humour at that particular point would have gone down too well. Basically i had it that they were "normal" people that on particular occasions would go there and indulge in their fantasies and practice whatever bizarre rituals they were into. It was their version of going out on a night out, to their "club" compared to Liam and co. I dont mind how anyone interprets it though, it's pretty much open.
You are bang on about this being in two parts. I think I put in a subtitle of ghosts and goblins just before the graveyard part. This is probably one of the bigger problems, not sure too many people will be interested in this idea but I like that the first part is still a horror, just a different kind to what happens next. So I'm really pleased you liked some of the first half, even though I agree I need to cut it down.
So thanks again Alffy, I hate to repeat the same thing but I do appreciate the time it takes to read this thing.
I haven't read your other new work that was put up a while ago, lol, and I wish I had. I know I started in and then didn't finish it. So I will have to give it a read. And your Season of the Devil. I just realized I've only read your Malevolent series. Well -- I'll get on that. Anyways, I decided to give this a quick read.
- pg. 5 Kieron says "wee-wee" when asking her if she was peeing. She isn't that young, I think that was going a little too far. I think that should be edited or taken out.
- Overall, great opening. Quick, and pretty brutal. Leaves to the imagination, and that's good. You really have a good old-school horror with new age tone type writing. If that makes any sense. I really admire that. And that's something I'd like to incorporate into my scripts.
- Around page forty-seven, and confuses about where this is going. Great character development though. Your doing something right if I'm still interested.
- You switch from Ghoul to The Phantom for the killer's name.
- I don't like the way the killer talks. I think it'd be a lot more eerie if he was completely silent - and just really aggressive.
- You kind of just take the whole "Who is your god?" thing from Rob Zombie. I mean, yeah he doesn't do it to great either, but if your gonna take something - at least write it better.
Wow, overall that was a pretty disgusting story there Scoob. It's also done very differentely. You built up the character development or a good hour before anything happened. And when shit hits the fan, shits hits the fan. I never knew if the good guys were gonna get away, or if they were dead. You really wrote this pretty well. There are a few nitpicks, but it's pretty good. There are some things that I feel like you should lose. I'd keep the way your wrote this in very well. I was confused on what the fuck was going on until the end. And that's something that should happen in a horror movie.
What am I working on?!? Splatter - Revisions Bad Hare - Writing
First, congrats on finishing a full-length script, and now, onto my thoughts about “Graveyard.” My favorite part of the story is the main characters and particularly the relationships between Liam and Jessica, as well as Liam and Martin. The pregnant scene showed chemistry between the two lovers, and seeing Liam in his element afterwards DJ scene played well. In fact, in makes me questions whether or not you have labeled the wrong character as your main character, as of now it’s Martin.
The ending of the story calls into the question that should be the main character and also sheds light on why because of lack of plot. You hid your main opponent until the end of the story and once he’s revealed there’s little to look back on as far as how he’s attacked Martina up till the point of the end. Meanwhile, you flip back to Liam’s storyline which has more plot not much horror but still plot, he faces opponent’s, including his girlfriend. Don’t get me wrong I’m not suggesting you change much, just edit with it in mind that Liam is the main character.
Again one of my favorite things about the story is the relationships Liam and Marin’s would be even more strength if Liam had an even bigger objection to what Martin is doing while also giving him a ghost. Example, show an early scene of Liam attending his mother’s or grandmother’s someone dear to him funerals, and Martin’s present. Liam’s discover of what Martin’s up to would be taken to new height, and with that also taking their friendship to a new height when despite that Liam still has his back at the end. The theme for the story being “Friendships get us through the death of a loved one.” Now, the heroes who ever they are don’t make it through so maybe something more negative, which I’m all for. I mean it is a horror film.
While I like blood and guts, getting twenty plus pages of action/description is tough. But, that would be remedy by having all that description played out as action on screen. I also like that the opponent had that underground tunnel system, which makes them more powerful being able to attack from above, below, and sides.
Overall, it was OK with potential. Hope this helped some.
BLB
Commodus: But the Emperor Claudius knew that they were up to something. He knew they were busy little bees. And one night he sat down with one of them and he looked at her and he said, "Tell me what you have been doing, busy little bee..."
Hey Toran, thanks for reading this one, appreciated mate
Thanks for wanting to give the Season Of The Devil script a go but honestly, it was one of my first and it needs a major rewrite. It's something I been looking at but everytime I try and get into it, I just get sidetracked. One day.
- pg. 5 Kieron says "wee-wee" when asking her if she was peeing. She isn't that young, I think that was going a little too far. I think that should be edited or taken out.
I can see your point. I just thought it would make Keiron sound even more creepier and pervy if he was talking to this already young girl and he's clearly imagining her as being even younger.
Quoted Text
- Overall, great opening. Quick, and pretty brutal. Leaves to the imagination, and that's good.
Glad you liked the opening, seems to have worked quite well.
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- Around page forty-seven, and confuses about where this is going. Great character development though. Your doing something right if I'm still interested.
Thanks about the characters. As for the structure...yep, it's not really keeping to the rules I guess and it doesnt all work. It either will pull some in or make some just want to quit early. Thanks for sticking with it!
Pleased you liked the characters and some of their scenes came off believable. I agree with you that I mismatched the lead. I'll give Liam more time at the start so he doesnt just appear out of the blue.
Again one of my favorite things about the story is the relationships Liam and Marin’s would be even more strength if Liam had an even bigger objection to what Martin is doing while also giving him a ghost. Example, show an early scene of Liam attending his mother’s or grandmother’s someone dear to him funerals, and Martin’s present. Liam’s discover of what Martin’s up to would be taken to new height, and with that also taking their friendship to a new height when despite that Liam still has his back at the end. The theme for the story being “Friendships get us through the death of a loved one.” Now, the heroes who ever they are don’t make it through so maybe something more negative, which I’m all for. I mean it is a horror film.
That's a really good idea. It would also help to introduce Liam earlier so thats two down with one stone in a way. I'm not sure if I'll use it but I do like it a great deal. Thanks!
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While I like blood and guts, getting twenty plus pages of action/description is tough. But, that would be remedy by having all that description played out as action on screen. I also like that the opponent had that underground tunnel system, which makes them more powerful being able to attack from above, below, and sides.
Yeah, I can understand that it may drag on a bit but as you said, if it's supposed to be shown than it needs to be written. It does need more work, I do need to still cut this down quite a lot so I will look at it all again in a few weeks and hopefully , thanks to everyones help here, will be able to have a much tighter script.
So thanks BLB, appreciate the comments and time you took to read, cheers!
If you have anything you'd like me to read, drop me a PM.
Will start off with my notes as I read....SPOILERS:
Pg. 4: "taking a wee-wee" just sounds painfully awkward. Then again, so has every other exchange coming from these two so it's probably intentional.
Very good opening you have here. I'm instantly intrigued. Well Written. Good Job.
Pg. 7 is almost entirely dialogue and doesn't look very aesthetically pleasing, in my opinion. Maybe you can break it up with a few actions.
Pg. 8: Description of the gatehouse is worded strangely. Hard to follow.
Maurice and Martin have very similar names. May become a problem. (It didn't)
Pg. 10: Ha! I love this set up. New and alone on the job at night. I just wonder what's gonna happen at this point.
Pg. 17: Martin's interactions with Liam all seem very naturalistic. Good Dialogue between them. Like these guys.
Pg. 20: "Sound as a pound". the British phrases like this one are incredibly alien to me but I love em. They make me smile
I'm predicting that Nick is one of those charming psychopaths.
Pg. 23: Is knob end the same as saying dick head?
Pg. 24: "Go suck on a Mr. Freeze and wait until you get to the sticky part" Whaaaaat? Right over my head.
Pg. 27: Tying > Trying
Pg. 29: Nick is finally showing his true colors...but how long til her axes someone to death again?
Pg. 30: A "One Week Later" text over black in the 'middle' of a movie would strike me as out of place or tacky. I think those should be saved for the end or beginning.
Pg. 31: "Nignog"? That's a first. Never heard that. "Heil Hitler". Oh heeeell no! I would've been outta there. Martin is really passive about pretty much everything.
Pg. 36: I take it Jeremy Kyle is like the Maury Povich of the UK. Gross. lol
Pg. 41: Very well written scene here. Nice!
Pg. 43: I have a very similar scene to this in my script. I believe yours is a bit better written. The characters say very similar things to each other.
Pg. 44: I'm enjoying the script but as of now, except for the opening, there has been no indication as to why this is script is sectioned in Horror.
Pg. 63: what is the "Ghosts & Goblins" superimpose about?
Pg. 66: Thrills START! I'm finally being sucked in again for the first time since the opening
Pg. 67: What the f u c k? The was unexpected. Flipping great. I'm grinning from ear to ear.
Pg. 75: Kinda confused. This is so not the direction I thought this script would take. Seems to be more supernatural than grounded in reality. Good job with that. Ever see a film called "One Dark Night" from the 80s?
Pg. 77: The PHANTOM is disturbingly sadistic.
Pg. 84: Another A+ scene! Damn skeleton!! He's dead! Talk about overkill.
Danielle's death is terrible. She was a bitch but my god.
Pg. 109: This is sick.
FINISHED
You've managed to bury a cool, twisted, and disturbing little slasher flick under a heap of character scenes and exposition that brilliantly masked the story as a potential psychological thriller and even (toward the end) a supernatural horror. I was convinced that the story had taken a supernatural slant with those scenes in the graveyard. You fooled me and I loved it. While my enthusiasm for the script did waver whilst waiting for something horrific to happen I believe it payed off in the end.
The characters were pretty much all efficient. And all served a purpose even if the purpose was to die terribly. But what were James and Cheryl there for? They did absolutely nothing. If they had not been in the script....things would have played out exactly the same. Perhaps you should drop them. Your main character (at least initially) made some very terrible choices and was very laid back about everything. He didn't have a mind of his own and eventually went along with everything Nick said. Don't know many people who would go along with such a shifty individual to ROB GRAVES of all things. Anyone who would go along with that sort of thing obviously doesn't have a steady moral compass. He was not likable at all. Although his death was brutal, I was relieved when your main character focus shifted to Liam and Jennifer. Much better fitting leads. I was rooting for them until the very grim end. Your villains were on point! They were absolutely despicable in every way. Just thinking about them makes me cringe. Insanity.
Excellent writing here technically. Though some of your descriptions could be made clearer. I got lost at times and had to re-read to understand what you were saying. Overall....I enjoyed the mess out of this. Honestly, I wish I had more negative to say other than about the long buildup but I don't. Nice Job, Mate.
Thanks Shawn for reading this one and for writing the review.
Appreciate the notes you took and the summary - obviously I'm really pleased you enjoyed it but for also pointing out where it could be improved.
I think James and Cheryl will have to go as you rightly pointed out they dont really do anything worthwhile ; I hope to improve the writing in a further draft to clean it up a little and cut the page count down. 118 is a little too high.
Hope to give a better reply a little later but Im kinda rushed at the moment and just wanted to thank you for the review.
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