Bralorne by Rodriguez Fruitbat - Horror - As a weekend in the mountains spirals into brutal violence, a psych student must figure out whether she is losing her mind, or everyone else is. 93 pages - pdf, format

Sounds interesting. I've downloaded it. Will read within the next couple days.

Yay! A horror script with sleds...
My daughter would love this. She told me years ago that it's so scary riding on them at night and how it would make for a good horror movie.
Murders within the first few pages.  Double yay!
I can tell that this isn't your first rodeo in writing screenplays either. Very nicely written.

It may take me a few days  but I'll be back.

Cindy

Thank you for taking the time to read!

Yeah, we wanted to build this around sledding in Bralorne, a semi-abandoned town in British Columbia. We already have a bunch of amazing sledding footage, that does somehow feels incredibly eerie with the right score over it.

I think this script could use some structural work, but I can't wait to see what your thought.

Please let me know if you'd like me to check out of of your scripts in particular.

Ok, so here's my thoughts on your script.
First and formost I would like to say that I liked your flair  for writing. Very nicely done.



Spoilers

You had a lot of things  going that had me wondering methane? Ghosts? Crazies? Something in the homemade booze?

Great dialogue.

You had a lot of creepy scenes like  with  Amber  and Lena.

Your scene with Morgan in the bathroom had me a little confused at first. I thought she was just in the room, not the tub.

The town and town folk was great, too.

Darn,  I have to clock back in at work. I will finish this on my break.

Still SPOILERS



If you want me to be picky, there  was a typo on pg 4 in Zach's dialogue.  A couple sluglines bothered me, too.  Should add continuous.
One of them was:
INT. MINE TUNNEL
He lands hard.

Not sure why  Jenna would rather go outside to pee with the crazies out there  instead of using the bathroom with  her dead friend there?
You could make that scene crazy, too with her in the bathroom. She could still hear noises outside or maybe a bullet could come in through a wall.

Also,  I'm not sure about the ending. Jenna doesn't trust Richard, the cops or the others, yet she takes a gun from Richard and  the two kick open the door I guess to fight the cops.
I would have liked to seen it end in either  a hail of gunfire  from the cops or with  Jenna  shooting Richard in the head.

That's just me though. This is your script and you're filming it.
I would love to see this. Good writing, good, creepy scenes.

Cindy

I love this script; it had me so creeped out. I love the character development, too--it's rare to see such well-rounded characters in a horror.
And I didn't see the end coming! Surprised!! Very good.

The only thing I'd watch is your character descriptions when you first introduce your people. There's been a lot of flack going around about that lately. For instance, assume that everyone is good-looking (it's the movies!), except in Tyler's instance, it does have to be noted that he's handsome & vain.
And for Morgan's description, I'd rather see her do neat-freak behavior rather than be told that she's a neat freak.

I think you're missing a slug on p.59. An INT. slug to bring 'em inside the cabin.

These are just minor things. I'm a fan!!

Cindy and Christina, thank you both for taking the time to read and comment.

It means a lot, and gives me hope that this script is worth revisiting. Your feedback will help a lot!

I really liked this. Great pacing with good character development and interaction. Very easy to visualise also.

My only gripe was the end...or lack there of...it seems unfinished in that it just cuts off mid-scene.

Thanks TimC,

I know what you mean about the end. I intended to leave it open ended in typical horror fashion, but it left me I satisfied too. I think I should commit to wrapping it up completely.

This script also taught me to start with a much more solid outline in place. Now I write with every scene plotted out. It make for a more solid script and fewer rewrites, but it also take some of the fun and discovery out of just sitting down and writing.

Quoted from RodriguezFruitbat Thanks TimC, This script also taught me to start with a much more solid outline in place. Now I write with every scene plotted out. It make for a more solid script and fewer rewrites, but it also take some of the fun and discovery out of just sitting down and writing.

Agreed. I've only written one but it seemed logical to start with the storyboard. Allows for a more well thought out story, although I did deviate a little from the original board during writing - think that's acceptable.  

Keen to read your new ending if you choose to write one.

Tim.

Hey, R

That title is throwing me off, I don't know how to feel about it, intrigued or just confused, but with these kind of reviews how could I not take a peek.

BLB

Hi Red,

Had a chance to take about three and a half pages of notes on your screenplay. Think that that might be a bit long for this blog. so you can see them here (https://www.docdroid.net/Yj80yF1/the-descent-meets-the-ruins.docx.html) if you're interested.

Regards,


Chuck

I had dropped off the map and missed the last two comments, sorry. The good news is that I have some producers pitching another script to investors today, fingers crossed!

BLB - I'd love to hear your thoughts if you got a chance to read it. Yeah, the title is obscure and totally up for a change. I had tried several others, but they all felt like generic horror movies, while Bralorne left some mystery. I'll have to find a better title for sure.

Chuck - 3 pages of notes! I'd love to see them, but the link doesn't work for me. Can you resend or repost them? Thanks!

Richard writes, "Some Australian filmmakers optioned it and we're still going through a bunch of revisions to tailor it to the Australian outback rather than snowy mountains, and to tighten up the characters."