Hey Herbert,

Wow, these might be the most thorough notes I've ever received on a script (that I didn't pay for). Well done. And VERY, VERY helpful. I'll comment further once I'm back in front of my computer. I'm glad you had fun reading it!

If you have a screenplay you'd like notes on, send it my way, I'll keep it at the top of my to-do list. And thanks again, will comment in further detail once I get home later tonight!

-- Michael

Hi Michael,

I enjoyed this.  I can really appreciate the writing style, it flows so well.

**Spoilers**

The only thing I could say in terms of criticism was that there were a lot of heads being blown off!  Personally, the one where Sam got his head blown off through the door was the only one that I really thought was great.  The rest kind of got tiring for me.  I thought there could have been more interesting ways to get killed with a shotgun.  But that's just a personal opinion.  

Other than that, I was captivated for the whole read.  When Lily got to the hospital at the end and really unleashed her full powers, I was very satisfied and thought the climax was well done.  We really got to see what she could do.

I'd love to see this on film.

Nolan

Hey Nolan,

Thanks for checking this out and commenting. Glad you enjoyed it!

I see what you mean with the headshots -- it borders "John Wick" levels of headshot violence. I suppose I could come up with more creative kills.

I do need to strengthen character and plot just a bit more... or at least make things a little more clear in terms of character, making some of their choices more believable, thus strengthening the plot.

Glad you liked it!

@Herbert -- I will comment in detail on your notes as soon as I get a chance. But I did print them out and I'm using a lot of what you suggested in rewrites.

-- Michael

Okay, here's some notes. I didn't include any of the positive stuff like the fact that this is one the best scripts I've ever read that's not an already produced script from a pro writer. You know you got talent, so I'm not gonna waste time on that. Just focusing on the critique, which is below:

https://www.dropbox.com/s/eu3lnbakl5r3u87/corpseflowernotes.pdf?dl=0

Re: Herbert and James (MarkitZero)

First off, I'd like to the thank the both of you for the unbelievably awesome notes. You obviously took a lot of time and put a ton of thought into these notes. And for that, I'm very, very grateful. I've paid for coverage quite a few times, and your notes rival, if not one-up the notes I received from them. You guys were extremely helpful.

When I do rewrites, I like to jot a lot of shit down on a hard copy of the script. I rarely print out notes to accompany the hard copy, but I printed the notes you guys sent to me. Amazing stuff.

Quoted Text I didn't include any of the positive stuff like the fact that this is one the best scripts I've ever read that's not an already produced script from a pro writer. You know you got talent, so I'm not gonna waste time on that.

Thanks, James.

First, I'll comment on Herbert's notes:

I agreed with most of what you mentioned in your notes. There are definitely more things that I need to make more clear.

RE: Tallulah remaining with her abusive husband, settling down when she should still be running, etc...

Obviously, she didn't love her 2nd husband. It was more of a guise. She's not really running anymore. She's hiding. And this relationship with the cop husband is merely a guise. One thing I need to make clear is that she's been hiding a past... hiding Lily's powers. Though, you brought up that Lily's powers are uncontrollable at first, only revealed off raw emotion. Tallulah made Lily promise her not to use those powers (which is mentioned at parts, but I never reveal that that promise was made before the story starts -- backstory that isn't shown in the film). Showing those powers, especially in a public forum, would put a target on their backs.

Tallulah and Lily are not on the FBI's radar. Dwight was. Being with Dwight would have endangered them. Lily showing her powers in public WOULD put her on the FBI's radar.

Tallulah's thinking, at least to me... she moves to Bumblefuck, USA, marries a cop. Nobody is going to come looking for them. That, and it's an attempt at a normal life. At least to look normal. But Lily's powers need be kept in check. As she gets older (the corpse flower parallel -- takes 7-10 years to bloom -- Lily is 9), the powers have become more apparent. I'm sure there have been moments when Tallulah took a beating from her cop husband and felt tempted to do something. But she had to keep that anger inside... push it deep down. And Lily, who has probably witnessed some of it, ALSO pushed it deep down... a lot of it is because of the promise her mother made her make.

So, in response to "Why didn't she skip town immediately after she noticed the black sedan stalking her?" -- when she sees the black sedan follow her, she doesn't assume or suspect that it's the FBI. Because she hasn't been really running from the FBI. There hasn't been a reason to worry about them because Lily has not really, TRULY shown the extent of her peculiar abilities. Now, yes, Lily did (spoiler alert) kill the husband using her powers (which isn't revealed until later) BEFORE the kidnapping. But as of now, the only people who know about that are Lily and Tallulah. It's not until the attempted the kidnapping that their little secret is no longer a secret.

I am definitely going to include a scene or two more with the FBI agents -- maybe, in the first scene with them, it's suggested they check in w/ Dwight's estranged family. Or at least find them. Maybe one of them says, "Last we checked, she was in some town up north. Married a cop or something. But that was 3, 4 years ago." Maybe they dug but found no contact info between them and Dwight.

RE: Tallulah taking Lily out into the open at the end (botanical garden).

The way I saw it, Tallulah wanted to do something nice. She knows Lily wanted to see the botanical garden as she has a fascination with flowers. After all they went through, it's something she wanted to do something for her daughter. Was it stupid of her to do? Yeah. She fucked up -- kind of like how it was dumb for Dillinger to go to that movie theater. It was a mistake on her part.

Also, you mention how Tallulah walks out of the hospital with Lily at the end after being "listed as critical" on television. Good catch. Changing critical to stable. And also mentioning that she "limps" away, maybe even needing assistance from Lily.

RE: No urgency, not fearing for Lily or fearing that she might kill somebody...

This ties in to strengthening the secondary characters, which ties in to comments made by MarkItZero in his notes.

I tried holding off with the reveal about Lily for about the first half of the script. I tried to sprinkle suggestions and hints without FULLY revealing her abilities. At one moment, when she stumbles upon the house in the woods, I tried to make the audience fear for her, the dark menacing figure lurking behind her, peering out the windows, etc.

When we return to the house, some information has been revealed in regards to her powers. And now Tallulah and Gates are there. Tallulah isn't afraid of what's happened to her daughter... she's afraid of what she'll find in that house. The aftermath of her daughter's abilities (which are still not very controllable at this point -- the more she applies her abilities, the more control she has of them).

I agree wholeheartedly with EVERYTHING you guys said here, though. I need to strengthen some of the secondary players here. Using MarkItZero's suggestion, I was thinking of placing Gates WITH Carson at the grocery store near the beginning. Carson speaks, walks away. Gates sees the bruises on Tallulah and tells her, "Listen, I've worked with you husband for a long time. I consider him a friend. But you deserve better". Something like that.

Then, like James suggested, when they reconnect towards the middle, use him as sort of a confidant type. Change that dynamic a bit. I'd have Gates ask, as they're walking through the woods, "Why?" He SHOULD ask "Who were those guys back there?" "Why is your daughter in the woods?" It would be revealed that the daughter was taken. Gates would then ask, "Why couldn't you just call us? There's no need for... this." Then it dawns on him and he puts two and two together (her husband not showing up for work). He asks, "Why didn't your husband show up to work today?" and "Where is he?" And then, it would be, "Tallulah? What did you do?" It wouldn't be as black and white as I have it in the script now. Tallulah doesn't want to hurt him, he doesn't want to hurt her. But I'd still have him hit her with the taser. Though, this time, he would express that he's "just doing my job". He would also promise to find her daughter and keep her safe. Of course, Tallulah would reveal that it's not being in jail that she's afraid of. It's about what "they" (the FBI) would do once they found out the truth about Lily.

By making these changes, it will change the dynamic between Gates and Tallulah. And, when he dies, it will make us care about it more.

RE: MarkItZero's comments about taking out the cop husband character completely...

I see where you're coming from, but I can't quite do that. Maybe after further brainstorming things... maybe. But without that bit, Tallulah would be able to call the cops IMO right away. With that "secret", she can't go to the cops.

It's a bit late right now (4 am where I am). If I think of anything else to comment on, I will do so. I'm a bit fuzzy right now.

Thanks again, MarkItZero and Herbert! You guys give awesome notes!

-- Michael

Hey, Michael.

Bit of a late reply to something you asked me. I said that I didn’t quite get Jolene’s motivation. James (MarkItZero) cleared it up for me. All good.

Still one of the best, if not the best feature I’ve read on this site.

To everyone, if you haven’t checked this out yet, give it a read!

Wow, I didn't  know there was so many people reading this, haha.

I  just finished reading this, Michael and will write down my thoughts with some notes in a couple of hours.

Cool man, reading yours right now. Should be a few hours. So, you sent me the script via PM. Where on the discussion boards is it so I can comment? I remember seeing the title before on here. Unless you just want me to PM you the notes.

-- Michael

Quoted from spesh2k Cool man, reading yours right now. Should be a few hours. So, you sent me the script via PM. Where on the discussion boards is it so I can comment? I remember seeing the title before on here. Unless you just want me to PM you the notes. -- Michael

It's in the Drama section, but you can pm me notes. Which ever you're feeling, mate. Cheers

For everyone that has read this, thank you so much! I've received some of the greatest notes I've ever received on any script I've written! For anyone else interested, I have a second draft ready based on the notes I've received. But something is wrong with my dropbox -- Don't know if anyone else had the same problem, but every time I try to put up a link, it says that there is too much traffic via my dropbox? So, any link I post is dead. PM me for the 2nd draft if interested. And, as always, I will reciprocate scripts/notes/etc.

Thanks!

-- Michael

Damn, you've seriously received some very thoughtful and detailed notes, here, Michael.

I've been meaning to check this out, but will wait for the latest draft to surface.

Yeah, I feel like I pretty much got free coverage here, especially from a few folks in particular. I don't believe I've ever received comments on any site that were 4 or 7 pages long (unless I paid for coverage). I'm actually taken aback. Really good stuff. And very much appreciated.

Here's an updated draft.

https://drive.google.com/file/d/0B6lo0ioVOFhRa19vUTloU05fekE/view?usp=sharing

-- Michael

Just noticed CF is up at Scriptshadow! I really wish I had time to read. All the entries, but one sounded interesting to me.  Good Luck in the tournament!  

Hey Pia,

Thanks for informing me that it was up on Script Shadow for that tournament. The deadline was so long ago, I forgot that I had submitted. Good lord, I rewrote the script twice since then. Oh, well. Cool to see it up. I know a few of the writers I'm competing with. Looks like a good week judging by the loglines. Good luck to anyone who made it in!

-- Michael

I just finished the updated draft.  It's a really, really good script. A nice solid story and interesting characters, fast paced, I liked the bloody, messy parts, some Steven King mixed with Tarantino/R. Rodriguez influences.  I would love to see it on the big screen.

By the way, I'm definitely going to watch "The Suicide Theory".  Trailer looks cool and Steve Mouzakis is a good actor.