Corpse Flower by Michael J Kospiah - Horror with a hint of Sci-Fi and elements of Slasher, Home Invasion, Kidnapping, Revenge with a twist of Supernatural - After a brutal home invasion, a psychotic mother must go head-to-head with a sadistic plastic surgeon to save her abducted little girl -- a little girl who isn't as innocent as she seems. 98 pages - pdf, format

Revised draft here: https://drive.google.com/file/d/0B6lo0ioVOFhRa19vUTloU05fekE/view?usp=sharing

Hi Michael,

Nice to see another script from you.

Nice title. It definitely stands out from the crowd.

Without going into too much detail, I did think that the sheer number of characters early doors, along with the non-traditional structure, made it hard to really get a feel for the point of view and made it hard to empathise with any particular character in the script.

When you have such a varied story, and so many dramatic lines of action, I think you might  be better off starting off on a more solid,  traditional foundation.

Jolene is a very good character. The rest of the inhabitants of the script are less compelling, in my honest. The fact she has a readily identifiable desire means she pushes the story forward, and I found my empathy going with her (despite her nastiness). That hampers the tension and I'm not sure it's what you intended.

All the best,

Rick

Hey Rick,

Thanks for giving it a look.

Yeah, the title was the first thing I figured out before the outlining stage.

Not sure what you mean by non-traditional structure, it's not exactly Pulp Fiction or Memento. It's pretty straight forward. If you mean that it doesn't have a clear-cut protagonist, you may be right, though the Tallulah character is probably the most relate-able and has the most screen time, so it may be safe to say that she is protoganist -- her child was taken from her home and she wants to get her back. Her and her daughter's story doesn't really officially start until around page 10, but a major plot point and major part of their backstory is in the intro. And the antagonist's goal is clearly defined before then, that goal having A LOT to do with Tallulah and Lily.

If you look at it, it's structured similarly to "No Country For Old Men", following three characters, each character representing a different point of view, morale, etc. Not really "varied". Each character has a clear goal, character arc, etc. Tallulah wants to get her daughter back. Jolene wants Tallulah's daughter. Lily wants to find her mother. Not too complicated, I don't think. As for empathizing w/ any of the leads, I kinda get you on that one. Though the goals of Tallulah and Lily alone should be enough -- one is a mother who wants to find her child, the other a child who wants to find her mother. I do get that they do some questionable shit in order to attain their goals, which may take away from the empathy, in particular Tallulah. But I did want to blur that line between protag and antag a little bit.

-- Michael

It's not the body of the script, it was the very start where we jump from one character to another, back in time, then forwards again.

It was hard to get any sense of specific information, like who they were or what relevance they had.

We go from a very low key, thematic opening, to an intense and unusual action scene, then we're jumping in time, then we're meeting other people.

Obviously I could work it out later, but I had to get down to about page 8 before I felt I had a proper entrance into the story. The opening stuff was a bit of a blur on first read.

It's really hard to film kids at different ages, btw. The difference between 9 and 4 is unbridgeable by the same actress, which means it would have to be another kid, which means it would look extremely odd to audiences. A production company would almost certainly want that scene cut, imo. But maybe that's not your problem.

Ah, I see what you mean.

I'm not sure if the child thing is a huge problem... I never saw this story as a low-budget indie... maybe low-budget in terms of a Hollywood type film (10-25 million, possibly lower), so I don't think showing a younger version of the child actor would be too much trouble in that type of production. That said, I show the younger version of Lily when she's lying in bed... she would be under the covers, I guess, so that can be hidden.

We're not really jumping back and forth through time... no flashbacks in the opening (unless you count the thematic opening -- but I don't specify whether or not that was a flashback or not... it's revealed to be a bookend by story's end). We DO jump forward to 5 years later after the early inciting incident.

But I do see what you mean in the first 8 pages, though I don't personally believe it's that confusing. But that it's potentially confusing to some is enough for me to consider altering things a little bit, thanks for pointing that out.

-- Michael

This is a good one, guys! Be sure to check it out.

Michael,

I'm over half way though this but going to finish in the morning.  Won't put any spoilers up yet, but this is an interesting read and moves pretty quick.  Only have a couple of things to point out so far.  Will give you my thoughts on it tomorrow.

Cool, JJ, thanks. Think you've commented on most of my work that I've posted here, always appreciated.

Michael,

I'm finished.  Thanks for posting this.  Spoilers are ahead.  I only had a few little nit-picks and they are here:

***SPOILERS***

pg 6. The two slugs here probably need some time of day, etc.  I had to read it a couple of times to figure out what's going on.  Thought it was part of the trailer (previous scene) but looks like it's not.  Just clear that up.

pg 33.  At top of the page you have "Lily looks up just as her ride passes the STATION WAGON." Think you meant Jolene because it's in the limousine and Lily isn't in there.

pg 58-59.  The EMTs reaction to the critically ill guy with the knife plunged in his eye doesn't seem right.  Unless you were going with a little humor, I would rethink this.  I think they seemed a little too nonchalant.  Just to me.

Well, most of your budget is going to go to fake blood!  This has to be a buckets of blood award.  Most of the characters die.  If that's what you were going for, you've accomplished it.

Lily's role will be hard to fill because of the young age, but if done right, could give a good creepy feel when she gets angry.  To contrast that with being sweet the rest of the time, will take some performance.  A Linda Blair type girl performance.  Hard to pull off, in my opinion, but not impossible.

I think you've created an interesting character here.  She's got supernatural powers, but with the child-like innocence.  She wants to stop hurting people, but can't.  Mom tries to keep her at bey, but events happen and she can't control it.  Again, good for a child to have this inability to harness the power because she's young.  Plus, Jolene wanting to help her as well worked for me.

Tallulah wants to protect her daugher but knows she really can't stop her from hurting people.  She's strong and stops at nothing to help Lily.  Some of the action involving her is unrealistic, but it's a movie!  She at least bears the scars of the punches, etc.  Maybe just have her hobbling more through some of the action.  Just a thought.

Jolene has motivation of revenge.  I like that you had her keep Dwight's head in the freezer!  Cool (pun intended).  She's very strange.  Maybe because she almost seems like a plastic surgeon that lost her license and still does it on the side for less money or the jobs others won't do.  Maybe she could have a prison record or something because you have her pretty relentless, and usually those kind of people have been caught before.

Everyone else dies!  Just kidding, some live... not many.  Casting would be, "Okay, you die on page 10, you die on page 13, you die on page 23, you die..."  Just having fun.  Hope you weren't going for a PG-13 rating.  

Overall, I did like it.  It read well and kept me in the story the entire time.  It's not really my genre, but your writing was good and wanted to see where it all ended.  I thought the pace was pretty quick which was what I wanted.  The ending was a little Hollywood-esque, but it worked for me okay and don't have a suggestion just yet on a different one.

Good luck with this one!  Budget is pretty high (as you mentioned), but not outrageous.   Thanks for putting this one up.

Hey dude, thanks again for checking this out, appreciated as always.

Quoted Text pg 6. The two slugs here probably need some time of day, etc.  I had to read it a couple of times to figure out what's going on.  Thought it was part of the trailer (previous scene) but looks like it's not.  Just clear that up.

Thanks for catching that. It isn't really necessary, but for consistency sake (I have time of day in the rest of the slugs), I'll add a time of day.

Quoted Text pg 33.  At top of the page you have "Lily looks up just as her ride passes the STATION WAGON." Think you meant Jolene because it's in the limousine and Lily isn't in there.

Yeah, I caught that after I posted this, already fixed!

Quoted Text pg 58-59.  The EMTs reaction to the critically ill guy with the knife plunged in his eye doesn't seem right.  Unless you were going with a little humor, I would rethink this.  I think they seemed a little too nonchalant.  Just to me.

Yeah, this was done in that way to inject a little light humor. Will consider some tweaks here.

Quoted Text Well, most of your budget is going to go to fake blood!  This has to be a buckets of blood award.  Most of the characters die.  If that's what you were going for, you've accomplished it.

I wanted to make a fun slasher film for the splatter-obsessed fans of the genre (such as myself). Of course, it's not a pure slasher as it blends several horror sub-genres, but I kind of wanted to do that to.

Quoted Text Lily's role will be hard to fill because of the young age, but if done right, could give a good creepy feel when she gets angry.  To contrast that with being sweet the rest of the time, will take some performance.  A Linda Blair type girl performance.  Hard to pull off, in my opinion, but not impossible.

It's hard to find top-notch actors at any age. But I think there's a lot of talented young actresses out there that would be able to pull this off. Was thinking of changing her age to 10 or 11.

Quoted Text I think you've created an interesting character here.  She's got supernatural powers, but with the child-like innocence.  She wants to stop hurting people, but can't.  Mom tries to keep her at bey, but events happen and she can't control it.  Again, good for a child to have this inability to harness the power because she's young.  Plus, Jolene wanting to help her as well worked for me.

Once she has better control of her powers, she's able to do different things (as the story progresses). But, being raised by her borderline psychotic yet protective mother, her violent ways come more naturally. Her mother wants her stop and control it... but a lot of that has to do with not getting caught -- if her powers become known, it's possible that Lily will be taken away from her. I should probably make that more clear in the next draft. I remember having that at one point but taking out that line of dialogue.

Quoted Text Tallulah wants to protect her daugher but knows she really can't stop her from hurting people.  She's strong and stops at nothing to help Lily.  Some of the action involving her is unrealistic, but it's a movie!  She at least bears the scars of the punches, etc.  Maybe just have her hobbling more through some of the action.  Just a thought.

I usually give my characters a little back story, a lot of which is not mentioned in the script. Tallulah, in my mind, had military experience (that's how she met Dwight, who was being used by the military for his gifts). In hindsight, I think I can mention that merely with a photo on the shelf or dog tags.

Quoted Text Jolene has motivation of revenge.  I like that you had her keep Dwight's head in the freezer!  Cool (pun intended).  She's very strange.  Maybe because she almost seems like a plastic surgeon that lost her license and still does it on the side for less money or the jobs others won't do.  Maybe she could have a prison record or something because you have her pretty relentless, and usually those kind of people have been caught before.

Noted. A lot of her craziness comes from the accident when she lost her daughter.

Quoted Text Everyone else dies!  Just kidding, some live... not many.  Casting would be, "Okay, you die on page 10, you die on page 13, you die on page 23, you die..."  Just having fun.  Hope you weren't going for a PG-13 rating.

Nope. Going for a good-old fashioned R rated horror flick.

Quoted Text Overall, I did like it.  It read well and kept me in the story the entire time.  It's not really my genre, but your writing was good and wanted to see where it all ended.  I thought the pace was pretty quick which was what I wanted.  The ending was a little Hollywood-esque, but it worked for me okay and don't have a suggestion just yet on a different one.

Despite all the violence, I still wanted to create a mainstream horror film. Going by the success of "Don't Breathe" (which has some cringe-worthy scenes, one involving semen), I saw an opportunity to create something to please the horror fans without compromising the hallmarks of the slasher genre (though there are no sex scenes or tit shots here).

Quoted Text Good luck with this one!  Budget is pretty high (as you mentioned), but not outrageous.   Thanks for putting this one up.

Thanks, man, really feel like I can get this made due to some connections I've made over the years (people knowing people). Yeah, the budget will be a little up there, but I can see this getting done for under 20 million. Hopefully, the strong female characters will lure in some talent to attach to this.

And, if this does hit theaters, hopefully we can meet up this time -- I think the last time I had a film in a theater (The Suicide Theory), you had to leave before the Q and A.

Thanks again,

Michael

Yeah, I hope this does make it to film.  I sure saw it in my mind which is what you want your reader to do.  I had no trouble with any of this in my mind.  Like I said, it's really not my favorite genre and I still liked it.  That says a lot because I'm old and stuck in my ways!!  I'll keep an eye out for this one.

Here's to hoping! We shall see what happens...

Hey Mike I'm 15 pages in. I dig it so far!

Okay, so I’m 37 pages in and if I didn’t have to get back to the real world I would have knocked this over in one sitting.

Wow, totally engrossing. Just my type of thing. Can see it all very clearly in my mind.

First 10 was a crazy ride, I can’t see anyone putting it down after that.

At this point I really don’t have any criticism, and for me that’s unusual.

Sharp, clean writing, it’s a super quick read.

Pg 33 mini slug high heels isn’t in bold, you obviously like your bold slugs.

Pg 33 Lily looks up should be Jolene looks up.

I look forward to getting back to this when I have some time, love to see where it’s all going.

Hey Warren,

Thanks for giving it a look, glad you're enjoying it so far. I do have a cleaned-up version w/ out the typos (such as the mistake you saw on Page 33, Lily looking up when it should have been Jolene). But, since it's essentially the same story, I decided not to put that version up. There weren't too many typos (that I saw after a few comb-through's). But if you catch any, cool. I may have missed a few.

The mini-slug with her HIGH HEELS... when I do mini-slugs to draw attention to a specific object, I don't bold-face them. I only bold-face mini-slugs when they're specific locations within the main location shown in the main scene heading.

I always had that quirky-looking actress, Lucy Punch, as Jolene, the antagonist character. She's not super well known as an actress, but if I can get this off the ground a little bit, I'll most definitely be pushing for her in the role. She's just too perfect for it.

Anyway, no rush, glad you're digging it so far. This is a screenplay meant for horror fans (without re-hashing the same old formulas we see in slashers all the time -- though I still enjoy watching those kinds of films). At heart, I guess it is a slasher, but I tried injecting elements from other horror sub-genres.

Thanks again, Warren!

And to anybody else reading or commenting, if you have anything that you'd like me to give a look, let me know. I have a lot of screenwriter friends who send me their stuff to look at. I like helping, especially if you have a contest deadline to meet and you need a fresh set of eyes. I'd prefer well-written material (above novice level) as it's a faster read and I can focus on the story rather than stopping and making notes on the writing itself and other basics. So, if you need me to take a look at something and would like a critique (whether via email or if you have something posted on here that you would like me to comment on), PM me. My schedule isn't too hectic and I'm not starting my next project for another week or so. So, yeah, send me your stuff before my schedule starts picking up again!


-- Michael

I read the first 15 (sorry - that's all I got time for now).

In many places the writing is brilliant! Just top notch. I had a few nits that are more of personal preference rather than criticism.

I would turn the CONT'Ds off. They're distracting and not needed.

Quoted Text LILY (9 years old), skinny and tomboyish, looks up at her.

I would have Lily shake her head no here.

Quoted Text The DRIVER, middle-aged male, lies with his cheek mashed onto the dashboard, looking towards Dwight, the whites of the man’s eyes standing out in contrast to the darkness. Dwight approaches the driver’s side window. Realizes that the Driver is dead. Twisted expression frozen on the man’s face.

You could be a little more efficient with the above passage and I would start with Dwight at the window. Something like:

Dwight approaches the driver’s side window.

An involuntary jerk from Dwight as he  
sees the DRIVER. A middle-aged male, cheek mashed onto
the dashboard. The whites of his dead eyes point directly at Dwight.

I got lost early on some of the timelines. When you introduced Lily as four, I had to go back to the opening to figure out how many years we've gone back. Might be a better way to handle that.

Anyway - superb writing. Entirely engaging.

Quoted from eldave1 I would turn the CONT'Ds off. They're distracting and not needed.

I thought the same thing until I had one of my scripts table read and the readers mentioned how CON'T aids them in picking out their lines.

Just a thought about having the option.

"CONT'D" in dialogue is fine, no matter what peeps tell you.

IMO, it does aid in the read, as we tend to read over tings quickly and kind of auto pilot it much of the time, in terms of Slugs and Dialogue Blocks - having the CONT'D following the character name, makes it clear the same person is speaking again.

Quoted from Dreamscale "CONT'D" in dialogue is fine, no matter what peeps tell you. IMO, it does aid in the read, as we tend to read over tings quickly and kind of auto pilot it much of the time, in terms of Slugs and Dialogue Blocks - having the CONT'D following the character name, makes it clear the same person is speaking again.

True, you will never get dinged for using CONT'D.

I think when the Character's NAME is capped above the dialogue - it is already clear who is speaking. For me - the CONT"D adds nothing and is redundant. But again, it's preference.i

Reviews

Hey Michael

Got to read the script. My thoughts down below:

Spoilers!

This feels like King's firestarter movie.

I would suggest incorporating the agents more in the middle of the story. They only appear near the beginning and the end.

Surprised at the ending. I would've thought the mother would have surrendered. She can at least the child from prison lol.

I liked the dead husband twist. I thought it was the mother but it wasn't.

You need to add more Carson. Or show Gates with Carson near the beginning. When Gates is shown, it just comes out of the blue.

Carson should have more inner ties to Lily's family. What he says when pointing the gun is nuts. Lol. When I was reading that, I was like "your an idiot" lol.

That's all. If anything comes to me I'll let you know. No need to read anything of mines as of yet. I may a feature for you soon.

Hope this helps,
Gabe

Hey Gabe,

Thanks for checking this out!

Quoted Text This feels like King's firestarter movie.

Yeah, I was kinda going for that (Midnight Special/Stranger Things) but I wanted to execute it in a way that would keep it mostly in the horror genre. Like if "Firestarter" were a slasher film.

Quoted Text I would suggest incorporating the agents more in the middle of the story. They only appear near the beginning and the end.

I might give that a shot. But I don't want this to turn into "Firestarter" where the focus is on the agents. But just maybe a brief scene towards the middle for the rule of 3's sake. I wanted to keep the pace going.

Quoted Text Surprised at the ending. I would've thought the mother would have surrendered. She can at least the child from prison lol.

I think that would have been too "expected". And her thinking (and I'll probably incorporate this more, make it clearer in future drafts) is that the moment is do or die. This is her last chance, her last moment to be "motherly". Though she doesn't want Lily to continue down this path anymore, she doesn't want her to be the subject of the same tests/etc that her ex-husband went through, either. It's an act of desperation -- she knows her and her daughter have no shot of truly getting away and being "free". But she also knows what her daughter is capable of. Maybe I should take out that "I don't want you being like me" line.

Quoted Text I liked the dead husband twist. I thought it was the mother but it wasn't.

I wanted to make this more clear, too -- the reason they're leaving is because Lily killed the husband. If it were revealed that Lily killed him, that would draw some attention and get Lily taken away from Tallulah. Unfortunately, Jolene and her band of men of deer masks disrupt things a bit.

Quoted Text You need to add more Carson. Or show Gates with Carson near the beginning. When Gates is shown, it just comes out of the blue.

Not sure if Gates is out of the blue, though I understand it may seem like that because I name him (which I don't do with two other officers). If I had called him COP#3, it probably wouldn't have seemed that way. Perhaps I could show him with Carson at the beginning.

As for adding more Carson, his death would have more of a payoff I suppose if I showed just a little more. Not sure if that would hurt the pacing/flow of the action. He's not a bad guy really by any means and his death may seem undeserved. But I wanted to, not only show how powerful Lily is, but show that she is continuing down an evil path though her intentions are good (at least she thinks so) -- to get back her mother.

Quoted Text Carson should have more inner ties to Lily's family. What he says when pointing the gun is nuts. Lol. When I was reading that, I was like "your an idiot" lol.

Yeah, tried injecting some off-kilter humor to it, somehow. I believe I've implied that he had enough of a connection to Lily's family. Trying to force that in would put a halt to the action, which is something I wanted to stay away from. Though there may be room for a brief scene somewhere in the middle.

Thanks again, Gabe, all good suggestions. Will definitely take all into consideration.

-- Michael

Hey Michael

Spoilers!

I get it about the agents. Not be a direct copy. But prob just have the agents tailing the deaths.

I never thought Tallueh was a bad mother. She's awesome eventhough her actions are questionable lol.

Another thing, how does Jolene figure out Lily's ability? You do show the flashback but unless she's a scientist or a fortune teller, it would've been hard to do so

Gabe

Hey Gabe,

Jolene was provided with some hints. There is mention at the beginning about "Something weird happening... things breaking on their own" when Dwight was killed. Then there's the revealing phone call with Trevor... "I AM talking about the little girl".  And then, she sees the aftermath at Tallulah and Lily's bungalow... Man in Deer Mask in the car, pretty much exploded, blood everywhere. I suppose there could be a scene or just a few lines of action where she actually sees Lily's powers for herself. Could be just something subtle.

-- Michael

Hi Spesh,

I just wanna say, I really appreciate the fact you supported the Australian film industry w/ Suicide Theory. Unfortantely (and strangely) it's not available on Aussie Netflix. If I see a DVD, I'll buy it.


Some thoughts on the logline:

Quoted Text After a brutal home invasion, a psychotic mother must go head-to-head with a sadistic plastic surgeon to save her abducted little girl -- a little girl who isn't as innocent as she seems

"Psychotic" is kind of reductive, and implies a broad range of things. Is she mentally ill, deranged, or obsessed with something? Psychotic could mean she's murderous and delusional, or that she hoards tiny horse figurines. Having now read the script, a much better term would be "determined" or another descriptor. Other than that, I like this logline - it implies the story and piqued my interest.


The time jumping in the first few sequence confused me, althought that's a personal preference. I don't follow time jumps easily. Is there a way you could present some things more linearly?

You really emphasis things like brand names for substances, such as bolding and underlining Capris for Jolene's smokes. Why? I'm writing this as I read, so it may be significant later, but it seems a little strange if it isn't. Just me, again, though.

I'm on Page 14, and I echo the similarities to Firestarter. I'm also not seeing the horror element, but hopefully that comes soon.

I don't know much about Tallulah yet, but I feel like she would be much more frantic and acting with much haste having Lily just kidnapped. The scenes with Lily in the van, intercut by Tallulah's pensive, slow sorting herself out, staring in the mirror, etc, don't seem like a mum with a stolen kid.

A lot of song choices in here. I don't know how these go, whether they are "listened to" in production (you would know more than me, lol), so I won't comment.

Page 38, and I'm liking the idea of a crazed plastic surgeon with her tools more and more.

Pg. 41 - you described the cop as "bushy-eyed", haha, I think you mean "bushy tailed", which is normally paired with "bright eyed".

Pg. 56 -- Harold calls 911, but doesn't give an address. Can 911 tell your address from the call? Even so, wouldn't they still confirm it with him? Nitpicking, I know.

Pg 58 -- I'm halfway through the script and I'm still not 100% sure on what Lily's powers are, exactly. Is she telekinetic? Can she kill things on command? I feel like a hook in the opening of some sort could establish this a little better.

Pg 60/ish - we flashback to an hour or two earlier, why? Couldn't we be shown it in the order it happened?

Pg 67 -

Quoted Text For Christ sake, I got called outta bed for this. That was bad enough. And now I’m hearing you killed a bunch of my men? Quite possibly your own husband?

This line feels OTN and doesn't work for me (although, it's the first in the script for which I feel that way, so awesome work). In the midst of the craziness, the showdown, it's an oddly expositional line for the dude to say.

GENERAL:

I really, really liked this. I read all in one go, quite quickly, which is exceptional for me. I usually struggle with action heavy and plot heavy scripts.

All the comments above are mostly little nitpicks or easy to fix, so I won't dwell on them.

My biggest "gripe" is that this isn't really a horror movie, at least not a typical one. It struck me more as a thriller or action movie (albeit an extremely gory one).

You have an awesome voice when you write, which, again, made this an easy read. I don't have any complaints, except maybe that some people may not like the aforementioned flourishes (like naming the cigarette brand, choosing songs etc).

What I really liked in this was the Jolene/Tallulah duality. You managed to write something that subtly comments on the nature of motherhood with these two different characters. This could have been very simply a Tallulah v Jolene showdown (which you hinted at with the standoff scene) but instead you took the villain and used her to emphasis the protag's subtext. Again, the focus on this subtext takes the script away from the confines of a "horror", but I think it's all the better for it.

With Jolene, I think there's a little bit of background needed. I understand her motivations and her goal is very clear, but how did she go from what I assume was a relatively normal MD with a family to the character you have here? She lost her family, sure, but in some of the flashbacks maybe we could see firsthand her grief and trauma to understand a little better. Saying that, she was my favourite character and I was fascinated by any scenes she was in.

You used a conservative style with writing and descriptions which again helped the scripts flow. But in that you also had a really unique way with dialogue and action lines that helped the script stand out.

Again, the other little weakness I saw that might be harder to fix is not knowing a lot about Lily's powers, even when the film is finished. As I said, what are the limits there and what is she actually able to achieve? Stakes are harder to come by when we're not sure if Lily could simpy kill everyone in the room at the drop of a hat.

I don't have too much more to say. I really enjoyed this and it was super a pro script to read. Hope some of this was helpful.

Hey AlsoBen, thanks for taking a look at this. Glad you enjoyed it!

Quoted Text I just wanna say, I really appreciate the fact you supported the Australian film industry w/ Suicide Theory. Unfortantely (and strangely) it's not available on Aussie Netflix. If I see a DVD, I'll buy it.

I was the only American involved (as the screenwriter)... other than myself, it was an all-Aussie cast and crew. But it hasn't really translated well in its home country, having more success in the U.S. Which isn't saying much, though it had a brief theater release (in limited cinemas) and is still out on Netflix.

Quoted Text Some thoughts on the logline: "Psychotic" is kind of reductive, and implies a broad range of things. Is she mentally ill, deranged, or obsessed with something? Psychotic could mean she's murderous and delusional, or that she hoards tiny horse figurines. Having now read the script, a much better term would be "determined" or another descriptor. Other than that, I like this logline - it implies the story and piqued my interest.

Yeah, I kind of think so, too. Lately, I've been using "determined" or "hell-bent".

Quoted Text The time jumping in the first few sequence confused me, althought that's a personal preference. I don't follow time jumps easily. Is there a way you could present some things more linearly?

Not much of time jumping. I open with a thematic opening that serves as a bookend (with the ending). Then I have the opening title card and credits... which I normally don't include into a screenplay, but it felt necessary in not messing w/ the flow of the screenplay. When I see an opening scene, and then it's followed by title card and credits... it sort of feels like the real story doesn't begin until the opening credits are finished. So, that's the way I looked at it. After the thematic opening, we have the car crash. Then jump to five years later. I do have a part in the first ten pages of this version that jumps to "3 Weeks Later", but I took that out in a recent draft.

Quoted Text You really emphasis things like brand names for substances, such as bolding and underlining Capris for Jolene's smokes. Why? I'm writing this as I read, so it may be significant later, but it seems a little strange if it isn't. Just me, again, though.

Not an issue. And Capris are a very specific kind of cigarette, very skinny. And I've written for producers who specified that I underline and bold any trademarked items, such as brands, etc. I could have gone without bold-facing them. Either or, not really an issue.

Quoted Text I'm on Page 14, and I echo the similarities to Firestarter. I'm also not seeing the horror element, but hopefully that comes soon.

A severed head in a box doesn't do it for you in terms of horror? Men wearing scary deer masks, cutting off a guy's head? Followed by a home invasion (which is a sub genre of horror)? What part of Firestarter does it echo? It's not revealed Lily has any powers until 30-40 pages in. And even then, it's not quite clear. In Firestarter, we know Drew Barrymore has powers from the get-go.

Quoted Text I don't know much about Tallulah yet, but I feel like she would be much more frantic and acting with much haste having Lily just kidnapped. The scenes with Lily in the van, intercut by Tallulah's pensive, slow sorting herself out, staring in the mirror, etc, don't seem like a mum with a stolen kid.

She also just got the living shit beat out of her. And she just got shot to the point of brief unconsciousness. And her daughter's gone when she wakes up. She needs to gain her wits and think. Work smart rather than work hard. Though she does that, too.

Quoted Text Page 38, and I'm liking the idea of a crazed plastic surgeon with her tools more and more.

Sweet.

Quoted Text Pg. 41 - you described the cop as "bushy-eyed", haha, I think you mean "bushy tailed", which is normally paired with "bright eyed".

Damn it. I'll add that to rewrites. Thanks for pointing that out!

Quoted Text Pg. 56 -- Harold calls 911, but doesn't give an address. Can 911 tell your address from the call? Even so, wouldn't they still confirm it with him? Nitpicking, I know.

911 traces it.

Quoted Text Pg 60/ish - we flashback to an hour or two earlier, why? Couldn't we be shown it in the order it happened?

Because we're led to believe that Tallulah is dead. And then, after the flashback, it is revealed that she is not.

Quoted Text Pg 67 - Quoted Text For Christ sake, I got called outta bed for this. That was bad enough. And now I’m hearing you killed a bunch of my men? Quite possibly your own husband? This line feels OTN and doesn't work for me (although, it's the first in the script for which I feel that way, so awesome work). In the midst of the craziness, the showdown, it's an oddly expositional line for the dude to say.

Note taken. Though, I kinda/sorta disagree. And kinda/sorta agree. Depends on how you read it.

Quoted Text I really, really liked this. I read all in one go, quite quickly, which is exceptional for me. I usually struggle with action heavy and plot heavy scripts.

Not sure if it's exactly plot heavy, but it's definitely not dialogue-dependent. Glad you liked it!

Quoted Text My biggest "gripe" is that this isn't really a horror movie, at least not a typical one. It struck me more as a thriller or action movie (albeit an extremely gory one).

I kind of structured it similarly to "No Country For Old Men"... which, if you look at it from Anton Chigur's POV, it's kind of a horror film from his view. Dude's like Jason Voorhees. Though this is more horror-ish than No Country. And between the slasher masks, the stalking, the night scenes, I'd consider it horror. But maybe I'm wrong.

Quoted Text You have an awesome voice when you write, which, again, made this an easy read. I don't have any complaints, except maybe that some people may not like the aforementioned flourishes (like naming the cigarette brand, choosing songs etc).

Thanks, dude. As for the "flourishes", I'm not worried about that.

Quoted Text What I really liked in this was the Jolene/Tallulah duality. You managed to write something that subtly comments on the nature of motherhood with these two different characters. This could have been very simply a Tallulah v Jolene showdown (which you hinted at with the standoff scene) but instead you took the villain and used her to emphasis the protag's subtext. Again, the focus on this subtext takes the script away from the confines of a "horror", but I think it's all the better for it.

Thanks for noticing that, I sort of built the story from the duality of the two main leads (if you check out The Suicide Theory, I do something similar there, though with a different theme).

Quoted Text With Jolene, I think there's a little bit of background needed. I understand her motivations and her goal is very clear, but how did she go from what I assume was a relatively normal MD with a family to the character you have here? She lost her family, sure, but in some of the flashbacks maybe we could see firsthand her grief and trauma to understand a little better. Saying that, she was my favourite character and I was fascinated by any scenes she was in.

I didn't want to slow the pace of the action. As long as her goals and motivations are clear, and we know what happened to her and her own daughter, I don't feel the need to include more flashbacks to show her descent into madness. She's mad and we know why. And we see her soft side through Tallulah/Lily's story and how that ends up.

Quoted Text You used a conservative style with writing and descriptions which again helped the scripts flow. But in that you also had a really unique way with dialogue and action lines that helped the script stand out.

Thanks! But it could still be a lot smoother. Just went through the first 20 and I have much work to do with improving my action lines, etc. Along w/ rewrites.

Quoted Text Again, the other little weakness I saw that might be harder to fix is not knowing a lot about Lily's powers, even when the film is finished. As I said, what are the limits there and what is she actually able to achieve? Stakes are harder to come by when we're not sure if Lily could simpy kill everyone in the room at the drop of a hat.

I tried being subtle with her powers until the finale, where I believe I made it pretty clear. I could be wrong, though.

Quoted Text I don't have too much more to say. I really enjoyed this and it was super a pro script to read. Hope some of this was helpful.

Very nice of you to say. Thanks, man, appreciate it! Already opened up "People's Parties", will get back to you tomorrow! Thanks again!

-- Michael

Okay, so I'm done.

Not going to comment on the formatting and writing style. It is different to mine but it is great, easy to follow and picture in my mind. I never had to read anything again for clarity.

I did find the brand, song, and movie referencing a bit different but no dig deal.

Story wise, I really enjoyed it, just my thing, lots of blood, loads of tension.

They story pulled me along and I constantly wanted to know more.

I do however wish I knew a bit more. I might have missed a few things but I don’t fully understand Lily and kinda wish I did. I am also not entirely sure of Jolene's motivations.

It did make me think of an anime called Elfen Lied, don’t know if you have heard of it.

Despite that, there was more than enough going on to keep me interested and entertained.

Great work.

Quoted Text Not going to comment on the formatting and writing style. It is different to mine but it is great, easy to follow and picture in my mind. I never had to read anything again for clarity.

Cool.

Quoted Text Story wise, I really enjoyed it, just my thing, lots of blood, loads of tension.

Awesome.

Quoted Text They story pulled me along and I constantly wanted to know more.

Glad I was able to pull you in, Warren.

Quoted Text I do however wish I knew a bit more. I might have missed a few things but I don’t fully understand Lily and kinda wish I did. I am also not entirely sure of Jolene's motivations.

What weren't you sure about with Jolene's motivations? I thought they were pretty clear. And what didn't you understand about Lily? Her powers? I do need to revisit that and perhaps make her powers more specific.

Quoted Text It did make me think of an anime called Elfen Lied, don’t know if you have heard of it.

I'll have to check that out, though I'm not into animated stuff, specifically anime.

Quoted Text Despite that, there was more than enough going on to keep me interested and entertained. Great work.

I'm glad you enjoyed it, Warren.

-- Michael

A title is enough to make me want to watch a movie... if I was a director it may be enough to make me want to make the movie... if I were a reader for studio...a title would definitely make me want to take a read.

This TITLE works like that as did your Suicide Theory. You really have a way with titles. I have not read Suicide Theory but I think I will try this one out.

Great job on the titles.

Hey Paleyellow,

Thanks, always had a knack for titles. I actually heard about the corpse flower bloom out here in the Bronx Botanical Garden, loved the name of the flower/plant. I immediately thought it would be a great title for a horror film.

If you check this one out, let me know what you think! Hope you enjoy it!

Quoted Text I have not read Suicide Theory but I think I will try this one out.

The Suicide Theory was posted on here about 8-9 years ago and it was requested that I remove it after the current producers picked it up.

If you haven't already, check out The Suicide Theory on Netflix or Amazon! The film actually had a limited release in theaters in the U.S. (along with a simultaneous VOD run on most cable outlets). We won an award at Austin Film Festival in 2014 (Audience Award) and took home the Grand Jury Prize at Dances With Films in Hollywood (Best Picture). It's at 76% on Rotten Tomatoes right now. https://www.rottentomatoes.com/m/the_suicide_theory/

The script was also requested by the Academy of Motion Pictures Arts and Sciences (aka the Academy aka the Oscars) to keep archived and secured in their vault at their library for educational purposes.

You'll see the lead (Steve Mouzakis) as a major player in the upcoming "Prison Break" reboot.

As for "Corpse Flower", I'm pushing hard to get actress Lucy Punch involved as the antagonist character, pretty much wrote it for her.

-- Michael

Short thoughts; I thought it was a fun read. Solidly written overall,  though I think the plotting and characters could use more work.

Full notes: https://drive.google.com/file/d/0BxE-Pj9wp1dyYTdFd1M3Uk5ZdUE/view?usp=docslist_api

Hey Herbert,

Wow, these might be the most thorough notes I've ever received on a script (that I didn't pay for). Well done. And VERY, VERY helpful. I'll comment further once I'm back in front of my computer. I'm glad you had fun reading it!

If you have a screenplay you'd like notes on, send it my way, I'll keep it at the top of my to-do list. And thanks again, will comment in further detail once I get home later tonight!

-- Michael

Hi Michael,

I enjoyed this.  I can really appreciate the writing style, it flows so well.

**Spoilers**

The only thing I could say in terms of criticism was that there were a lot of heads being blown off!  Personally, the one where Sam got his head blown off through the door was the only one that I really thought was great.  The rest kind of got tiring for me.  I thought there could have been more interesting ways to get killed with a shotgun.  But that's just a personal opinion.  

Other than that, I was captivated for the whole read.  When Lily got to the hospital at the end and really unleashed her full powers, I was very satisfied and thought the climax was well done.  We really got to see what she could do.

I'd love to see this on film.

Nolan

Hey Nolan,

Thanks for checking this out and commenting. Glad you enjoyed it!

I see what you mean with the headshots -- it borders "John Wick" levels of headshot violence. I suppose I could come up with more creative kills.

I do need to strengthen character and plot just a bit more... or at least make things a little more clear in terms of character, making some of their choices more believable, thus strengthening the plot.

Glad you liked it!

@Herbert -- I will comment in detail on your notes as soon as I get a chance. But I did print them out and I'm using a lot of what you suggested in rewrites.

-- Michael

Okay, here's some notes. I didn't include any of the positive stuff like the fact that this is one the best scripts I've ever read that's not an already produced script from a pro writer. You know you got talent, so I'm not gonna waste time on that. Just focusing on the critique, which is below:

https://www.dropbox.com/s/eu3lnbakl5r3u87/corpseflowernotes.pdf?dl=0

Re: Herbert and James (MarkitZero)

First off, I'd like to the thank the both of you for the unbelievably awesome notes. You obviously took a lot of time and put a ton of thought into these notes. And for that, I'm very, very grateful. I've paid for coverage quite a few times, and your notes rival, if not one-up the notes I received from them. You guys were extremely helpful.

When I do rewrites, I like to jot a lot of shit down on a hard copy of the script. I rarely print out notes to accompany the hard copy, but I printed the notes you guys sent to me. Amazing stuff.

Quoted Text I didn't include any of the positive stuff like the fact that this is one the best scripts I've ever read that's not an already produced script from a pro writer. You know you got talent, so I'm not gonna waste time on that.

Thanks, James.

First, I'll comment on Herbert's notes:

I agreed with most of what you mentioned in your notes. There are definitely more things that I need to make more clear.

RE: Tallulah remaining with her abusive husband, settling down when she should still be running, etc...

Obviously, she didn't love her 2nd husband. It was more of a guise. She's not really running anymore. She's hiding. And this relationship with the cop husband is merely a guise. One thing I need to make clear is that she's been hiding a past... hiding Lily's powers. Though, you brought up that Lily's powers are uncontrollable at first, only revealed off raw emotion. Tallulah made Lily promise her not to use those powers (which is mentioned at parts, but I never reveal that that promise was made before the story starts -- backstory that isn't shown in the film). Showing those powers, especially in a public forum, would put a target on their backs.

Tallulah and Lily are not on the FBI's radar. Dwight was. Being with Dwight would have endangered them. Lily showing her powers in public WOULD put her on the FBI's radar.

Tallulah's thinking, at least to me... she moves to Bumblefuck, USA, marries a cop. Nobody is going to come looking for them. That, and it's an attempt at a normal life. At least to look normal. But Lily's powers need be kept in check. As she gets older (the corpse flower parallel -- takes 7-10 years to bloom -- Lily is 9), the powers have become more apparent. I'm sure there have been moments when Tallulah took a beating from her cop husband and felt tempted to do something. But she had to keep that anger inside... push it deep down. And Lily, who has probably witnessed some of it, ALSO pushed it deep down... a lot of it is because of the promise her mother made her make.

So, in response to "Why didn't she skip town immediately after she noticed the black sedan stalking her?" -- when she sees the black sedan follow her, she doesn't assume or suspect that it's the FBI. Because she hasn't been really running from the FBI. There hasn't been a reason to worry about them because Lily has not really, TRULY shown the extent of her peculiar abilities. Now, yes, Lily did (spoiler alert) kill the husband using her powers (which isn't revealed until later) BEFORE the kidnapping. But as of now, the only people who know about that are Lily and Tallulah. It's not until the attempted the kidnapping that their little secret is no longer a secret.

I am definitely going to include a scene or two more with the FBI agents -- maybe, in the first scene with them, it's suggested they check in w/ Dwight's estranged family. Or at least find them. Maybe one of them says, "Last we checked, she was in some town up north. Married a cop or something. But that was 3, 4 years ago." Maybe they dug but found no contact info between them and Dwight.

RE: Tallulah taking Lily out into the open at the end (botanical garden).

The way I saw it, Tallulah wanted to do something nice. She knows Lily wanted to see the botanical garden as she has a fascination with flowers. After all they went through, it's something she wanted to do something for her daughter. Was it stupid of her to do? Yeah. She fucked up -- kind of like how it was dumb for Dillinger to go to that movie theater. It was a mistake on her part.

Also, you mention how Tallulah walks out of the hospital with Lily at the end after being "listed as critical" on television. Good catch. Changing critical to stable. And also mentioning that she "limps" away, maybe even needing assistance from Lily.

RE: No urgency, not fearing for Lily or fearing that she might kill somebody...

This ties in to strengthening the secondary characters, which ties in to comments made by MarkItZero in his notes.

I tried holding off with the reveal about Lily for about the first half of the script. I tried to sprinkle suggestions and hints without FULLY revealing her abilities. At one moment, when she stumbles upon the house in the woods, I tried to make the audience fear for her, the dark menacing figure lurking behind her, peering out the windows, etc.

When we return to the house, some information has been revealed in regards to her powers. And now Tallulah and Gates are there. Tallulah isn't afraid of what's happened to her daughter... she's afraid of what she'll find in that house. The aftermath of her daughter's abilities (which are still not very controllable at this point -- the more she applies her abilities, the more control she has of them).

I agree wholeheartedly with EVERYTHING you guys said here, though. I need to strengthen some of the secondary players here. Using MarkItZero's suggestion, I was thinking of placing Gates WITH Carson at the grocery store near the beginning. Carson speaks, walks away. Gates sees the bruises on Tallulah and tells her, "Listen, I've worked with you husband for a long time. I consider him a friend. But you deserve better". Something like that.

Then, like James suggested, when they reconnect towards the middle, use him as sort of a confidant type. Change that dynamic a bit. I'd have Gates ask, as they're walking through the woods, "Why?" He SHOULD ask "Who were those guys back there?" "Why is your daughter in the woods?" It would be revealed that the daughter was taken. Gates would then ask, "Why couldn't you just call us? There's no need for... this." Then it dawns on him and he puts two and two together (her husband not showing up for work). He asks, "Why didn't your husband show up to work today?" and "Where is he?" And then, it would be, "Tallulah? What did you do?" It wouldn't be as black and white as I have it in the script now. Tallulah doesn't want to hurt him, he doesn't want to hurt her. But I'd still have him hit her with the taser. Though, this time, he would express that he's "just doing my job". He would also promise to find her daughter and keep her safe. Of course, Tallulah would reveal that it's not being in jail that she's afraid of. It's about what "they" (the FBI) would do once they found out the truth about Lily.

By making these changes, it will change the dynamic between Gates and Tallulah. And, when he dies, it will make us care about it more.

RE: MarkItZero's comments about taking out the cop husband character completely...

I see where you're coming from, but I can't quite do that. Maybe after further brainstorming things... maybe. But without that bit, Tallulah would be able to call the cops IMO right away. With that "secret", she can't go to the cops.

It's a bit late right now (4 am where I am). If I think of anything else to comment on, I will do so. I'm a bit fuzzy right now.

Thanks again, MarkItZero and Herbert! You guys give awesome notes!

-- Michael

Hey, Michael.

Bit of a late reply to something you asked me. I said that I didn’t quite get Jolene’s motivation. James (MarkItZero) cleared it up for me. All good.

Still one of the best, if not the best feature I’ve read on this site.

To everyone, if you haven’t checked this out yet, give it a read!

Wow, I didn't  know there was so many people reading this, haha.

I  just finished reading this, Michael and will write down my thoughts with some notes in a couple of hours.

Cool man, reading yours right now. Should be a few hours. So, you sent me the script via PM. Where on the discussion boards is it so I can comment? I remember seeing the title before on here. Unless you just want me to PM you the notes.

-- Michael

Quoted from spesh2k Cool man, reading yours right now. Should be a few hours. So, you sent me the script via PM. Where on the discussion boards is it so I can comment? I remember seeing the title before on here. Unless you just want me to PM you the notes. -- Michael

It's in the Drama section, but you can pm me notes. Which ever you're feeling, mate. Cheers

For everyone that has read this, thank you so much! I've received some of the greatest notes I've ever received on any script I've written! For anyone else interested, I have a second draft ready based on the notes I've received. But something is wrong with my dropbox -- Don't know if anyone else had the same problem, but every time I try to put up a link, it says that there is too much traffic via my dropbox? So, any link I post is dead. PM me for the 2nd draft if interested. And, as always, I will reciprocate scripts/notes/etc.

Thanks!

-- Michael

Damn, you've seriously received some very thoughtful and detailed notes, here, Michael.

I've been meaning to check this out, but will wait for the latest draft to surface.

Yeah, I feel like I pretty much got free coverage here, especially from a few folks in particular. I don't believe I've ever received comments on any site that were 4 or 7 pages long (unless I paid for coverage). I'm actually taken aback. Really good stuff. And very much appreciated.

Here's an updated draft.

https://drive.google.com/file/d/0B6lo0ioVOFhRa19vUTloU05fekE/view?usp=sharing

-- Michael

Just noticed CF is up at Scriptshadow! I really wish I had time to read. All the entries, but one sounded interesting to me.  Good Luck in the tournament!  

Hey Pia,

Thanks for informing me that it was up on Script Shadow for that tournament. The deadline was so long ago, I forgot that I had submitted. Good lord, I rewrote the script twice since then. Oh, well. Cool to see it up. I know a few of the writers I'm competing with. Looks like a good week judging by the loglines. Good luck to anyone who made it in!

-- Michael

I just finished the updated draft.  It's a really, really good script. A nice solid story and interesting characters, fast paced, I liked the bloody, messy parts, some Steven King mixed with Tarantino/R. Rodriguez influences.  I would love to see it on the big screen.

By the way, I'm definitely going to watch "The Suicide Theory".  Trailer looks cool and Steve Mouzakis is a good actor.

Thanks, Sotitiris, glad you enjoyed it. And I agree -- Steve Mouzakis is awesome!

If anyone else enjoyed it, vote for it on Script Shadow this week! Of course, after fairly checking out the other four screenplays up for competition.

http://scriptshadow.net/

-- Michael

Grats on the scriptshadow nod, gl.

Tony

I've been reading your initial draft, but I've been busy with one thing or another, and I see you have a revised draft.

I'll try to finish the first draft and take a look at the revised when I don't have too many other things going on. But I like it so far.