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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Horror Scripts  ›  The Cambion Moderators: bert
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  Author    The Cambion  (currently 1075 views)
Don
Posted: February 12th, 2017, 2:02pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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The Cambion by Chuck Hanrahan - Horror, Thriller - A disturbed young woman living alone in a middle-class Midwestern suburb becomes obsessed with or possessed by Asmodeus, a cambion and the demon of lust who’s the son of King David of Israel and a succubus according to the Kabbalah. Asmodeus tortures Sarah’s erotic dreams and corrupts her libido so that he becomes her homicidal muse, impelling her to prey upon her amorous suitors, until the family of one of her victims uncovers her sociopathic depravations. 110 pages - pdf format

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Revision History (3 edits; 1 reasons shown)
Don  -  June 18th, 2018, 7:34pm
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Busy Little Bee
Posted: February 14th, 2017, 7:11pm Report to Moderator
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Hey, Chuck

I know some believe a "hook" is "such and such movie meets such and such movie," but I believe there is a way to write the premise in such a way that it comes across as the "mash up films." I actually find your idea intriguing but the prelude to the log line creates hesitation.

Why "contemporary" sociopath?

I like the tease at the end "only to encounter the family of one of the victims."

BLB


Commodus: But the Emperor Claudius knew that they were up to something. He knew they were busy little bees. And one night he sat down with one of them and he looked at her and he said, "Tell me what you have been doing, busy little bee..."
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Busy Little Bee
Posted: February 14th, 2017, 7:19pm Report to Moderator
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As I mentioned the "only to encounter the family of one of the victims" intrigued me enough so I go to open the script and I always scroll to get a visual (especially white space).

So, a few things I noticed, you use "we" in the first scene and subsequent descriptions after which some believe pulls readers out of the story and also a tell that the writer maybe "telling not showing."

Is this a shooting script? You have camera angels too.

On pages 21-27 there's nothing but dialogue could be carrying to much of the story which could be concerning for the structure of the story.

You do have the narrative description broken up pretty evenly. This is just an initial which don't tell the whole story clearly but there are some flags here.

BLB




Commodus: But the Emperor Claudius knew that they were up to something. He knew they were busy little bees. And one night he sat down with one of them and he looked at her and he said, "Tell me what you have been doing, busy little bee..."
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Chuck
Posted: February 15th, 2017, 9:12am Report to Moderator
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Hi BLB,

Thanks for the feedback. To address your concerns:

  • The screenplay isn't a mash-up film ala' Norman Bates goes to London in the mid-1960s and actually meets and marries Carol Ledoux (althought those possibliltes are intriguing - think that Gidget could be a bridesmaid?). Rather it's that those two characters inspired the creation of my protaganist. I thought that "inspired by" was a bit tired, but if you think that the logline implies a mashup of Psycho and Repulsion, will go with the "inspired by" route.

  • Contemporary sociopath as opposed to historical (i.e. Bates / Ledoux or Ted Bundy perhaps) or futuristic (ala' Alex in Clockwork Orange) sociopaths.

  • "We see" is stylistic on my part. Current fashion is for inamimate objects to perform functions that are revealed by the camera: "the mountain looms...". I prefer to place the object(s) in the reader's imagination directly: "we see the mountian loom..." Easy enough to remove that if you think that it distracts the reader.

  • Tried to remove most of the camera angles. Couple of POVs and PANs TO REVEAL, but if i missed any that distract from the story, please let me know where so that i can rework.

  • Finally, know that filming a "long" post-dinner party conversation (pages 21-27) is challenging, and not every director is Luis Bunuel, but hopefully the dialogue is snappy enought to carry the seven-ish minutes it lasts. Tried to present both sides of abortion debate sympathically, and show protaganists growing paranoia and anitsocial personality disorder simultaneously. And at least i don't have sheep wandering throught the dining room.  

I would be interested in your replies to my thoughts above greatly, if not too much trouble.

Again, much thanks for your observations,


Chuck
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Busy Little Bee
Posted: February 18th, 2017, 10:39pm Report to Moderator
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Hey, it's nice to here back.

Haha, I know it's not a literal mashup. I'm saying as you said if it's implied in the premise then why tell us it's like this and that, just show us what  it's like.

Maybe it's just me but "contemporary" sociopath sounds weird. Alex is a great example because he's not described as futuristic, the time he lives is but he's just a "charismatic psychopath" (IMDB).

I've read that camera angles and the like are reserved for shooting scripts. I'm no expert just read that and it kind of makes sense if you're trying to sell or entertain how does camera angles help.

I usually don't have an issue with "we see" unless it's excessive. It's more of you're telling me.  I know it's cliche "show don't tell" but I think it's true. If you write "a mountain looms..." that's what I picture because that's what you wrote, so IMO it is in the mind's eye of the reader.


BLB




Commodus: But the Emperor Claudius knew that they were up to something. He knew they were busy little bees. And one night he sat down with one of them and he looked at her and he said, "Tell me what you have been doing, busy little bee..."
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Chuck
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Hey BLB,

Have a new verision on docdroid with "we see" and "we hear" etc. removed.

Only had half a dozen or so, but took them all out. Would be very interested in your thoughts/opinions.


Just to clarify my opinion, however, the following is the opening few lines of Citizen Kane from the original script:

EXT. XANADU - FAINT DAWN - 1940 (MINIATURE)

Window, very small in the distance, illuminated.

All around this is an almost totally black screen. Now, as the camera moves slowly towards the window which is almost a postage stamp in the frame, other forms appear; barbed wire...


Here's how I'd write that:

EXT. XANADU CASTLE - DAYBREAK – TRACKING

We see a small, solitary, illuminated window in the distance. It's on the upper floor of a distant mansion on a hill in the soft light of dawn.  As we slowly approach the tiny window, other forms begin to appear: barbed wire...


And here's how I think that it would look in today's writing style:

EXT. XANADU CASTLE – DAY - TRACKING

Small illuminated window, very small, distant, surrounded by the murky light of daybreak.

Foreground images appear sequentially: barbed wire...


In short, headings and sluglines shouldn't be part of the narrative IMO. They're not part of the scene; but rather where and when and how we see what occurs in the scene. If they're part of the scene, put them in the narraitve. In other words, NOT "EXT. BOB'S CAR - DAY  drives off the road". Instead, "EXT. BOB'S CAR - DAY Bob's car drives off the road."

Set the scene and explain the action, and if the scenery is part of the action, include it in the narrative.  

But the bottom line is that the script tells us a story that appears on a screen. So if camera movement or angles clarify or enhance the narrative rather than simply indicates how or where or when it's visualized, then it should be included. If not, then not.

In other words, WHAT we see is up to the screenwriter; HOW we see it is up to the director. Which means THAT a camera moves is up to the screenwriter; HOW it moves is up to the director.

Just like WHAT the characters say is up to the screenwriter; HOW they say it is up to the actors.

Speaking to the latter, want to know the difference between a typical, bad, and good screenwiter IMO:


Typical
                               LECTER
I ate his liver with some fava beans and a nice Chianti.


Bad
                               LECTER
I ate his liver with some fava beans and a nice Chianti.
              (Licks his lips)
Mmmm-mmmm-mmmm


Good
                               LECTER
I ate his liver with some fava beans and a nice Chianti.
              (inhales sharply)
ft-ft-ft-ft-ft-ft-ft-ft-ft

What is on the screen is up to the screenwriter; how it gets up there is up to the director and the actors.

So nothing wrong with the Hopkins ad-lib, IMO, (in fact i think that it was inspired); but screenplay would have been better if it had been inlcuded. And it won an Oscar.



Thanks again for the feedback
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Busy Little Bee
Posted: February 20th, 2017, 10:28pm Report to Moderator
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Sometimes when I read “we see…” I think how did I get in this story. Haha. But, you should see what others reviewers say they may agree with you.

This may be a disagreement in screenwriting philosophy which I find fascinating. So, IMO there’s difference between shooting script and spec script, which is what I’m referring to when it comes to overt camera angles or “we see…”

Citizen Kane while it includes such things it’s not a spec script, Herman J Mankiewicz has wild freedoms that a first-time spec screenwriter didn’t. In other words, the novice can’t leave anything to chance in terms of breaking standards (printing on pick paper or adding camera angles) that wouldn’t get you script scene by anyone other than the “script reader”.

I tend to lean toward the philosophy that if you want a close up then you don’t need to say “close up,” you just write in such a way that the reader knows they are seeing things close up. If you want two quick cuts then write two quick sentences, if its two actions in a single frame than a single paragraph. Things like that because I’m under the impression the writer has every tool and technique at his disposable to influence the director, producer and actor as much as possible so that his vision ends up on screen as close as possible, but unless you are directing, producing and staring once that script is in their hands it’s as much theirs as yours. Hopefully, your mark is so powerful that none of them can see the film any other way then what you described.

OK, the acting comparisons, you mention clears up the point you are making a little more for me, but I still stand by that just depends on how skilled and intentional the writer is. I once read a great piece of knowledge about dialogue that said something to the effect that you should be able to remove the name of every line of dialogue and still can tell who said what. So, while Anthony Hopkins ad libs, and it speaks to his skill as an actor which is to understand the character on a level where he could change dialogue but still speak with the same voice created by the writer.

BLB


Commodus: But the Emperor Claudius knew that they were up to something. He knew they were busy little bees. And one night he sat down with one of them and he looked at her and he said, "Tell me what you have been doing, busy little bee..."
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Busy Little Bee
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Hey, Chuck

I read the first 19 pages, I was confused by the opening at first but intrigued with her crazy dream, but the descriptive narrative as I feared going in gets really bogged down with a lot of telling and in detail that not only bogs down the reader but also for little pay off. For example, the description of the intruder. “Camero SS Ghost Baseball Cap and PIG tactical gloves” and so on, you do this numerous times with t-shirt, magazine, song choice.

Could be wrong but I thought a montage sequence required a lapse in time like Rocky.

When I got to the dinner I just stopped this when you have like 5-6 pages of straight dialogue.
I’m interested in seeing what others think some may agree with your style. It just sucks for me when formatting get in the way of interesting ideas, but it’s all a process of learning. We’re all learning.

BLB



Commodus: But the Emperor Claudius knew that they were up to something. He knew they were busy little bees. And one night he sat down with one of them and he looked at her and he said, "Tell me what you have been doing, busy little bee..."
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Sam
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As promised, my review. I haven't read any other review.

Opening scene.

I’m always fascinated with the opening scene to any screenplay. They are so important. They should provide questions and not answers and that’s what yours does. Well done.
Reading and writing scripts i, like most i’m sure develop certain allergies to certain things. I come out in a rash if a script opens with a long poetic description of the weather for example.

I’m also not a big fan of “lists” Below are the first lines to the first few actions.

“Dozens of bearded men dressed in woolen robes|”
“A tall barefoot man wearing a linen robe”
“Two small wooden tables and four wooden stools”
“A beautiful young PRINCESS, who’s wearing”
“A young girl is sitting at the table next”
“At the other table, a smug, bearded young man”
“Both the man and the woman are wearing fine linen robes”

It’s well written but by the time i’ve read the last line, i’ve forgotten the fist ones. This is just my taste remember but maybe a place to go back and look at.

“EXT. ABOVE A LARGE BODY OF WATER – NIGHT Dark and placid waters race beneath us as a Big Band song about how little we know about one another begins to PLAY. We arrive in a city and begin to glide and arc high above the streets through a forest of glittering skyscrapers as we approach a building honeycombed with luxury apartments and catapult up to one of the balconied penthouses. “

Not a huge fan of the above but again this is my taste. I don’t think these camera “cinematic” pieces read well in a script.

How old is Sarah? On page 2 i thought she was a teenager but now i’m not so sure.

SARAH
Then I’ll huff, and I’ll puff, and I’ll blow your house in.

I had this line in my script until my girlfriend said she hated it so i took it out. I think… Actually, it might still be in there.

P7 I think the montage would work better as action lines. The lettered montage take away from any suspense.
Also, i knew he was going to die in this scene because you called him BOYFRIEND. Give him a name.

p8. I didn’t realise Asmodeus was the one wearing the sunglasses. I thought that was a separate person.

p10 Who looks up. I’m guessing Sarah but it doesn’t say.

p12 I don’t like “beat” in scripts. The trouble being,  because i’m reading it in my head i can’t leave a beat, i have to read, which is like saying it. It makes the dialogue sound strange.

P13
SARAH
You don’t think I notice, but I see it all. The way you look at me. The way you lick your lips.


We haven’t seen any evidence of this.

p14 “Unless you Puke, Faint, or Die, Keep Going and jeans.   Strange T-shirt.

P19 This scene goes on for ten pages! That’s a lot. I feel like if i was at this dinner party i would have either looked at my phone while they were talking or started washing up. The argument about abortion went on far too long and didn’t really sound real. Felt like i was reading youtube comments.
I know that’s harsh and i don’t mean it to be. Things were really interesting till this point. I just wanted to get back to the story. I’m hungry for Horror!

p30 The insect thing really comes out of no where. Could be an opportunity to add suspense.

p33 Do men really do “that” on the toilet?

p34 Suspenseful and well written when she see’s her dad in the bath.  I don’t know if i’m comfortable writing that last sentence.

p36 Confusing scene. I couldn’t work out from the set up who scottie was or that Sarah was waiting for her friends.

p38
Sarah exits to the bathroom and Scottie crosses to the people he’s just noticed. Two are women, JUDY and LYNN, who see him approaching. As he approaches, Judy whispers in the ear of a third woman, MARCIA, who’s facing away from him and talking to EDDIE. Marcia ignores his approach, and as Scottie joins the group, he nods his head at the two women.

This is an awkward way to introduce the characters.

p40
"Jason’s right hand is massaging her left breast until he removes it, puts it between her legs, and begins sliding it up between her thighs"

This made me laugh. I thought he took her breast and put it between her thighs.

p41 Mentioning the steady cam is confusing. You could just say they are being watched.

p44 Her killing the cat was a great, horrific moment. I think it could have been even creepier if she already had and loved the cat. If we saw the cat from the start that moment would have been gut wrenching.

p52 The scene with Sarah and Michael walking to the car could do with some cutting.

p54
MICHAEL (O.S.)
I didn’t know that the airlines hired fifteen-year-old flight attendants.
SARAH
Now that’s how you score points.

Does she look 15? Is this not a creepy thing to say and for sarah to be happy about?

p59 She told michael she had room mates but now says she lives alone and he doesn’t question it?

p62 It took 15 pages of set up to get to this point. That’s a lot.

p68 I don’t know who these people are. Ones a cop but why are they meeting in a bar? This scene also goes on a bit too long.

p75 Dave’s watch now reads approximately 1:30 AM. Thats not a great watch.

p75 Calling the guys “pickup” is confusing.
Also, Daves dialogue on the phone is a bit on-the-nose and dampens the suspense.

p78 thats 3 pages dedicated to a couple we don’t know calling the police. I want to be in danger, with dave, sneaking around.

p79 theres a real chance to build suspense but all this describing is slowing it down. 9 of the action lines start with “he”.

p80 cutting away from the action to see a flashback. This isn’t where i want to be.

p84 The way you write action lines in the second half of the script i think is harming the rhythm. “He does this” “she does that” “this happens” “that happens”. This kind of writing makes for a very objective experience. Like someone is telling me what’s happening rather than me experiencing it first hand. If that makes sense?

p87 These are the worst policeman in the world. Why don’t they listen to Dave?
Also, this conversation, i know all this information. Its not new to the reader.

p95 Ray says he is too old for this shit but i don’t know how old he is. it’s also a bit cheesy.
there are another nine action lines starting with “he”.
You have a habit of starting new scenes with “he”. I don’t know who “he” is. I’m having to stop and go back to work it out.

p96 Its huge erect phallus glistens softly in the crimson light. More twisted imagery, i like it. More strange stuff like this please.

p98 Asmodeus is back!

p102 Why are we watching angela talk to the policeman? You keep taking us away from the action.

p106 Sarah really needs to lock her door.

p112 another unneeded conversation. These need to be cut.

p116 another scene that doesn’t need dialogue.


Characters

I like that your protagonist turns into the antagonist. Thats really interesting. You do really capture her going insane. It happens just under the surface and then before you know it, she's full on drunk Mel Gibson.
My issue is, I don't like her. And why should I? She's a little annoying and very inconsistent. Her dialogue rhythm and choice of words changes constantly. One scene she plays the victim, then she stands up for her self with Tobey.
Also, I don't know what she wants? What's her goal?
None of the supporting characters in the first half of the script are seen again. We are constantly introduced to new characters.
Michael, angela and ray take control of the third act but I don't really know them, I just met them.

Story

Your overall story is really good and interesting. Theres a market for this. I couldn't really detect any plot points as a read. Some may say thats a good thing, “a good writer hides these”but plot points are when the story takes the reader on a different unexpected path. I needed more surprises along the way.

There doesn't seem to be a consistent timeline. We are constantly being introduced to new threads which never really come to a fulfilling end. Sarah doesn't confront her demons, she becomes passive in her madness.

I loved your intro, in the apartment. It was interesting, suspenseful and shocking. But there are so many scenes here which aren't needed. So many conversations about normal stuff that just isn't interesting after you've shown us how well you can write in that opening scene.

Writing

As I said it started strong but by the end it was very choppy. Maybe you haven't done as many rewrites on the second stage of the script? You get very caught up in detail that isn't important.

Overall

My review sounds awful and I didn't mean to be. My main issue was that you have these great scenes, imagery and characters appear and then drop them to focus on a conversation about things I already know.
A few more drafts and I really think you'll have a great script.

Best of luck and despite what it sound like I did enjoy your script and your voice.



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Dustin
Posted: February 13th, 2018, 3:38am Report to Moderator
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Action speaks louder than dialogue.

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Quoted from Chuck
In other words, NOT "EXT. BOB'S CAR - DAY  drives off the road". Instead, "EXT. BOB'S CAR - DAY Bob's car drives off the road."


Just picking up on this point.

This would be better illustrated like so:


EXT. MOUNTAIN ROAD - DAY

Bob's car fishtails and veers onto the rocky verge.


Although the shot is outside the car, outside the car wouldn't be the precise location. Also, one should attempt to avoid repeating the location in the action.
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Dreamscale
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Quoted from Dustin
Just picking up on this point.

This would be better illustrated like so:


EXT. MOUNTAIN ROAD - DAY

Bob's car fishtails and veers onto the rocky verge.


Although the shot is outside the car, outside the car wouldn't be the precise location. Also, one should attempt to avoid repeating the location in the action.


Yes, absolutely correct and something I harp on all the time!



To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.
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Zombie Sean
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Hey Chuck,

I'm reading the google docs version that you posted in the script swap thread, not the one posted here. I saw that there were differences in the script so I stuck with the google docs version as I assume it was more updated.

I feel you need to shorten down the conversation from page 19 - 29. That's 10 pages—10 minutes—of conversation that most likely needs to be cut down dramatically. Try and make it a goal to get it to 5 pages. That would be more reasonable. It's a lot of talking so find a way to condense it.


Quoted Text
Finally, know that filming a "long" post-dinner party conversation (pages 21-27) is challenging, and not every director is Luis Bunuel, but hopefully the dialogue is snappy enought to carry the seven-ish minutes it lasts. Tried to present both sides of abortion debate sympathically, and show protaganists growing paranoia and anitsocial personality disorder simultaneously. And at least i don't have sheep wandering throught the dining room.


You have to really make it interesting to to do something like that. It would be cool if you did it all in one take, but the conversation also has to be interesting enough. It's about the Bible passage and David and Goliath and finally the fetus vs. baby scene and their stances on abortion and whatnot. And quite honestly, where did that all come from? Am I missing something? Is the stance on abortion supposed to reflect how Sarah later loses possession of her own body and someone else takes it on? That would make sense, now that I think about it. I think I might still be missing the part about David and Goliath though.

Same with a lot of conversation scenes. A lot of them talk about things that don't pop up later in the script, and last a long time. You could definitely shorten this script down by cutting down on the dialogue, especially the longer conversation scenes. I'd say you could shave off about 15-20 pages if you did so. I thought that the fetus vs. baby/abortion scene was gonna go somewhere, like Asmodeus was gonna impregnate Sarah, or have her get pregnant while she was possessed by him.

OMG The cat scene....

Oh God.......Page 65......


Quoted Text
Angela: "I think I'm having a nervous breakdown. I can't sleep, and I've lost nearly six pounds"

Dave: "Just think how great you'll look in your wedding dress."


That line cracked me up.

On page 101 you mention that Sarah cuts off Ray's left ear, but then on page 110 you say he's missing his right ear.

So, after reading this script, Sarah knows that she's possessed by this demon, or does she not? Has it haunted her all of these years? I might have to read this script again, but why is she possessed by this demon? How did it find her?

I thought the chemistry between Michael and Sarah were great so I was sad to see him go. Your dialogue and characters are all pretty alright. Some of it seemed a bit forced or on the nose, but going through just the dialogue can help you fix what needs to be fixed, what needs to stay and what needs to go, etc. The descriptions were a bit heavy at times, and you describe things that probably didn't need to be described. Leave the director to decide how the characters are through their dialogue and actions, and then that determines what they would wear, what they would look like etc. I get the idea that you're gonna try and film this script, as it includes camera angles/direction and the detail is just so specific. If not, then you need to cut back on how descriptive your actions are. Short, sweet, and to the point. Point out what matters. You did that for the most part but there were instances where this occurred. This would also help cut back on your script's page count.

Overall you have a pretty solid script here. I enjoyed it, and it was a good read for a weekend day. A good three-act structure too, I'd say. Some work on it and you could cut it down by a good chunk and have a shorter script. Good job finishing a feature. If I didn't touch on anything that you wanted me to, please let me know.


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