A Christmas Haunting by Niall Ross - Horror, Thriller - You can't escape the ghosts of your past. 108 pages - pdf, format

New writer interested in feedback on this work

Hello Niall.

It's been a while since I've reviewed so forgive me for any goof-ups.  So...

FADE IN goes on the left and your scenes shouldn't be numbered, at least not a spec script.

You have an establishing shot to start things off which is fine but you move to a more specific area of the mountain.  I would recommend a mini-slug.  Mini-slugs are a great way to hone in on a particular area which saves you space.

Ex:  EXT. SNOWDONIA MOUNTAIN - ANCIENT RUIN - CONTINUOUS

Also the time parameter of the slug should only be day or night (sometimes dawn/dusk if it's relevant).  You describe the scene as snowy in the preceding sentence anyway.

You introduce SEVEN characters on your first page and another two at the beginning of the second.  Hammering the reader with this many characters and we're bound to forget who is who as we continue.  It's best if you save the introductions until they have some dialogue or do something of importance.  That way, we attach their name to something particular which will aid in our memory of them as we progress.

Your second slug is a problem as well.  Technically "MOUNTAIN ROAD" is the mini to the "BUS" location which is incorrect from my understanding.  It should just read "INT. - BUS - DAY".  You describe the condition of the road in the preceding line so it becomes redundant.

A few lines of passive writing here and there.  "Is sitting", "Is zipping", "is wearing".

That's all I've got for now.  Take care.

-Johnny