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Feed Her by Jordan Breen - Horror - A grieving doctor travels to his daughter’s final resting place only to be hijacked by a fugitive family who force him to assist in a complicated pregnancy. 90 pages - pdf, format
Hello fellow writers/readers, I'm looking for a little feedback if anyone has any.
Have a great day, Jordan
The boards are saturated with tournament scripts at the moment and will be for a while, might be good if you give your script a bump when it's all over. People are having to read a lot at the moment.
Hey Jordan, just wanted you to know that I've started on this and am about 11ish pages in. Your writing is good and the story so far has piqued my interest (as does the logline and title). I don't really care for the "we sees" since they're not my cup of tea, but that's just me nitpicking. I like what I've read so far and I will try and get back to it when I have the chance.
Of course! Obviously I will go into more detail with my feedback once I finish the script but I've got a nice little Google Docs page going on as I read. I should be finished with it by tonight, if not by tomorrow night.
If you wanna give Where the Bad Kids Go (link in my siggy) a read, I've uploaded a new draft of it that I don't believe anyone has had a chance to read yet, and I'd love a fresh pair of eyes on it.
And Strangers with Candy is my favorite TV show. If you haven't given it a watch (though I hope you have!) then I highly recommend it! Might be a bit hard to find though, it's an old Comedy Central show.
Sure thing. I've just read Light At The End Of The Tunnel. You're good. It was a great read! I've added my feedback with a few ideas on the discussion board.
Just finished reading your script, made a few page notes as I went.
1 - I can tell it's gonna be an easy read. Well written, clear and to the point. And as far as opening scenes go, it's up there with the best I've read in a horror script.
2 – (Female Voice) – If you're introducing Amy in the next scene I'd just use her name.
4 - (He smiles as tears spill...) - You've used double dashes throughout so far so it's probably best to keep it consistent. Or you could just use a full stop here as it's the end of the scene.
6 - (EXT. BEACH - MOMENTS LATER - The two surfers drag David from the beach. He’s coughing up seawater. Eyes glassy. But alive.) - I'd cut this scene completely. We know what's about to happen so no need to show it. I think it would flow better if you just cut to him driving soaking wet in the next scene.
8 – This scene is a personal gripe of mine. People getting distracted behind the wheel and crashing or almost crashing has been done so many times it's getting to the point where I'd turn a film off because of it. Maybe try and think of a way to subvert the trope. Have him take some sleeping pills with his whiskey for a second attempt on his life or something. He could be speeding down the road, bottle in hand, then just cut to him waking up by the side of road, unsuccessful again.
10-36 - Jack Daniel's isn't a bourbon, it's Tennessee Whiskey. You keep switching between the two so I'd either change it to another brand like Jim Bean or just stick with 'bourbon'.
11 - (A YOUNG GIRL (13-16) - That's quite a difference in age. It's your script, just pick what feels right to you.
16 - (older sister, RUBY ROSE, an adolescent girl with a haunting beauty.) - Again, I'd just pick an age here. She could be 10 or 19, unless this is the YOUNG GIRL in which case I'd specify it.
36 - (INT. JEEP) – Keep your slugs consistent. Last time it was Sheriff's Jeep and further on in the script it switches between the two.
56 - churning more dust in it’s (its) wake.
60 - The prefect (perfect) woman.
The scene that takes place between Ruby and Woodlock on this page highlights why it's important to give Ruby a real age. Adolescent could be as young as 10 which is a bit too dark for most people. I'm picturing her as around 15-16 but you need to make it clear.
69 - locking it's (its) spotlight
73 – Didn't see this twist coming but I'm not sure it would work. It feels like you've cheated the reader a bit by not stating Ashley is a boy from the off, and I'm not sure how you could get away with this on screen. I can't see why it wouldn't work if we knew he was a boy all along .
81 - HONKING it’s (its) horn.
90 – Maybe chuck in a fade out at the end.
Onto the script itself.
I'm not overly keen on monster films so it's not something I'd seek out to watch, but as a script I think it's pretty solid.
I liked the setting, had a Hills Have Eyes vibe to it, it's well-paced and the story kept my interest the whole way through.
The dialogue flowed well, I liked David as a character as well as Abel and his family.
Woodlock seemed a little generic to me so you could maybe add some more development there and I wasn't overly keen when it went full-on swat mode near the end but that's purely down to personal taste.
Best of luck with this and cheers for the enjoyable read,
I don't really care for the "we sees" since they're not my cup of tea, but that's just me nitpicking. .
I just wanted to point this out, this is one of the confusing things to me about screenplays, not an exact science, like Chemistry for instance. The 'We see' device is hated by many, but seems alright to use if you have to. I've resisted using it so far, but in my next writings, if it is an easy way to explain the scene I will use it.
I love that opening with the dead wolf. It reminds me of that camel carcus in The Passion of the Christ. No matter what you think of that film, you have to admit it has some stunning visual scenes.
Thanks for the feedback Kyle. I feel you were spot on so much appreciated. I agree 100% with the cutting of the beach rescue scene. It really does smooth it out. Thank you. I'm still debating about the twist on 73. Some love it, others are not so sure. The fact you didn't see it coming was a good sign.
Originally, Abel and his family were simply a very primal, cannibalistic family but after a few drafts, I felt the only way I can truly create their animalistic nature was too flip them on their heads so to speak. Haha. Please let me know if I can read anything of yours and thanks again, Kyle.
The opening is well done. It feels familiar -- opening on a deserted desert road with road kill, an old truck, crows pecking at the dead animal -- but that’s okay as it still garnered interest from me, especially when the child comes in.
I like how you don’t have Amy or David mention what exactly happened to their daughter or where they’re going. It’s good dialogue that gets the message across about what they’re talking about, without actually saying it. However, on page 3, you have:
Quoted Text
-- Amy leaves the room and slams a door. David leans his head against the door.
I would suggest saying that Amy leaves through the front door. If she’s going through the front door. I am only making assumptions here, she could have gone to another room of the house or somewhere, but it doesn’t specifically state where. Even though most home entrances open up to the living room, maybe still clarify where exactly she went, especially since we don’t see her anymore after this scene (as of yet, still reading). Maybe she can say she’s going to her mom’s house or something. Where is she going, anyway, to avoid David?
I like Claire’s voice over for some reason. And the scene where David walks into the ocean. That visual seems real nice if it were to be filmed.
Page 9, I don’t think you need to italicize the dialogue if he’s speaking into the phone. You could have parentheses beneath David’s name that say something like, (into phone), or something. I could be wrong, but typically italicized dialogue is used when using song lyrics, or something from a TV/radio.
Page 10, when returning back to scene, have a regular slugline instead of “BACK TO REALITY.” You could even write it as EXT. ARIZONA DESERT - ROAD - BACK TO SCENE/REALITY
Page 14,
Quoted Text
The distinct sound of eating. Bones crunching, flesh tearing. Slurping. Something’s FEEDING above David.
I notice you do this quite a bit of using ‘-ing’ verbs, when they could just as easily be written in present tense. Rewrite the lines, but structure them differently. “The distinct sound of something that EATS. Bones CRUNCH. Flesh TEARS. Something SLURPS as it FEEDS above David.” Just as an example.
Quoted Text
Crawling, straining, murmuring... He suddenly stops, coming face to face with something that has no business in the desert. Bobbing in front of him, is a PINK balloon.
“He crawls, strains, MURMURS...then stops as he comes face-to-face with something that has no business in the desert. In front of him, a PINK balloon bobs up and down.”
Quoted Text
David scans out each window, confronted by a world of darkness. He whispers in urgent panic.
What does whispering in urgent panic sound like?
Page 27, I don’t think it’s ever mentioned that Abel is wearing a pink bathrobe or a top hat?
Page 28,
Quoted Text
EXT. DESERT - DUSK
David tries to stand but collapses, blood flowing from his nose, similar to Claire.
DAVID (V.O.) Get up! Come on!
INT. SUBURBAN HOUSE - LIVING ROOM (FLASHBACK)
Surrounded by the pink balloons, David kneels over his unconscious daughter, tapping her face.
DAVID Wake up, baby! Look at me!
I was kind of hoping David would repeat the same lines, to kind of parallel between the two scenes. Him trying to get his daughter to get up, simultaneously telling himself to get up.
Quoted Text
David leans forward, focusing beyond the knives, pots and bowls at a RED DOG COLLAR.
I would suggest mentioning at the first time we see SAM the dog that he’s wearing a red collar.
Page 39, you should have a slugline for the day-to-night transition.
What software did you use? The spacing is kind of weird in some parts.
50ish pages in, and I really like your imagery. Great job.
David being held alive just barely while being drained of blood gave me the heebie jeebies.
The SWAT scene was pretty awesome. Some nice action right there.
SPOILERS
Alright, finished. So, I wasn’t expecting this to be a vampire script, and thought it was going to go in a different direction. That being said, I did enjoy it a lot. I’m not a big fan of vampire flicks but this one was different, and had some great action in it. The second half read nicely as it was pretty much all action, which kept me going. The dialogue was also well written.
I will agree with Kyle, you should give Ruby Rose an age because I was guessing myself how old she was when Woodlock did what he did. I also agree with him on the reveal that Ashley is a boy, and that it could be just as effective if we knew from the beginning.
I think that’s it that I have to say. Let me know if I didn’t touch on anything you wanted to hear.
I just wanted to point this out, this is one of the confusing things to me about screenplays, not an exact science, like Chemistry for instance. The 'We see' device is hated by many, but seems alright to use if you have to. I've resisted using it so far, but in my next writings, if it is an easy way to explain the scene I will use it.
I believe it's just personal preference. I personally don't like them, but people can use them if they want. The way that they were used here were fine by screenwriting standards I believe, but like I said, I'm nitpicking. They just take me out of the writing.
Oh and I'd also like to add, the part where David comes back to life and he's saying that he wants to die and everything. I don't know if his dialogue is suppose to imply that maybe he saw Claire in the afterlife, but it would be a nice little addition if he said something along the lines of, "I want to die! I saw her...I was with her again..." or something like that, referring to Claire and seeing her in the afterlife. It would make his want to die even greater, in my opinion. Just a thought that popped into my head.
I really enjoyed this, it was easy to read and kept me engaged throughout. The structure was nice, but it didn’t get too predictable. I imagine this would be a fun one to shoot. For the most part it could be done without too big of a budget. The hunting scenes would be difficult CGI, but could be cut down with creative editing.
Very solid.
Here are a couple of minor thoughts:
Page 6 - Scenes go from SAN DIEGO BEACH to BEACH, maybe the first should be SAN DIEGO BEACH - PARKING LOT
Page 19 – The implied threat from Able would be enough to make David shut up about leaving, but without something else to illustrate danger that Able presents, it seems like it would take more to make David eat nasty raw meat with hairs and flies in it. At this point, I don’t think David seems to have connected the monster from last night to Able.
Page 23 and 26 – Able says he can be “too forward in my approach” then shortly after says “rather forward in my approach” is that repetition intentional? Maybe add “as I said…” for the 2nd one?
Page 36 – Wow, they lose a lot of teeth easily. Did he bite the car?
Page 58 – I’m confused here. Martha was unconscious, then you say “Martha’s corpse” then Woodlock says “don’t worry about Martha. She’s a strong woman.” Is she dead or alive? Reading on it seems she was only near death. Maybe corpse isn't the right word?
Page 58 – You say her body is “taunt”, do you mean “taut”? (stretched or pulled tight; not slack.)
Page 68 – What the heck did he say on the phone to get a huge swat team and military helicopters to come out? If he just said he was kidnapped, it would just be the police (maybe some FBI), if he said there were monsters he woldn't be believed. Must have been a short but very effective message, I'd love to hear it.
Page 72 – What do you mean by “absorbing his corpse”?
Page 76 – Are these alt lines? Very repetitive:
RUBY It’s coming. You have to take us away.
David absorbs this.
RUBY The sun is coming. We have to go. Go now.
David absorbs this.
Page 76, 77 – You use the word absorb 4 times in two pages. It is starting to distract me.
Page 85 – Even if the heavily tinted windows helped him drive during the day, I’ve never seen a car with the front windshield heavily tinted. I imagine he would at least shove something against the windshield and just drive looking out of a small hole?
General – I’m used to seeing – DAY and – NIGHT in every slug, but you only use them when we shift between night and day. I can see why, but when I found myself getting lost as far as time of day I had to scroll way back and read action descriptions to figure out if it was day or night. Since Day and Night is so important to a vampire script I’d suggest using it in the slugs. Also, I could be wrong, but from a production standpoint I believe it’s really important to easily identify which scenes are day and night. It makes a big difference when breaking down the budget and scheduling shooting days, so the easier it is, the better. That way a simple scene report can provide that info.
Thank you so very much for the feedback Rodriguez & Sean.
I have taken in everything you have said and made the appropriate edits. Really appreciate your input and the fact that you enjoyed the script!
I wanted to work with a proven formal in vampires but turn it on it's head and do something really original with it. I like it.
Anyway, please let me know when you have new material out. I really enjoyed both your last scripts. Rodriguez, any news on "Murderhorn"? I showed a few friends the script and they loved the originality of it. Sean, any update on "Where the Bad kids go"? I loved your time transitions in the first act and the twist at the end (I won't reveal spoilers) was so creative.
Anyway, please let me know when you have new material out. I really enjoyed both your last scripts. Rodriguez, any news on "Murderhorn"? I showed a few friends the script and they loved the originality of it. Sean, any update on "Where the Bad kids go"? I loved your time transitions in the first act and the twist at the end (I won't reveal spoilers) was so creative.
I got out of the first option early to send to another producer who was interested, but then nothing... I need a lesson on how to market a script.
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