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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Horror Scripts  ›  Spirits of the Slaves Moderators: bert
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  Author    Spirits of the Slaves  (currently 289 views)
Don
Posted: May 6th, 2018, 6:15pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Spirits of the Slaves by K.J. Lewis - Horror - Two Tribesmen from the Kru Tribe resurrect spirits from the Trans-Atlantic Slave Trade to inflict the deepest horrors upon the present-day ancestors of their oppressors. There is no such thing as privilege when Black Americans are possessed by the spirits of the slaves and look for revenge. 89 pages - pdf format

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Busy Little Bee
Posted: December 18th, 2018, 11:43pm Report to Moderator
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Hey, K.J

I think the first statement works as a premise, but if Chloe is the main character, she should be mentioned in the premise. The second statement reads like a tagline, and I donít think itís necessary.

Just skimming the script. I see a lot of words in bold in the descriptive narrative. Iím not use to seeing that. Also, I saw big chunks of dialogue, which could be red flag.

BLB


Commodus: But the Emperor Claudius knew that they were up to something. He knew they were busy little bees. And one night he sat down with one of them and he looked at her and he said, "Tell me what you have been doing, busy little bee..."
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Busy Little Bee
Posted: December 18th, 2018, 11:45pm Report to Moderator
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Read the first 13 pages, and yeah the constant bold is little distracting for me. A lot of the dialogue doesnít ring true.


Quoted Text

                CLEO (PANTING, WHISPERING)
          What the? What the? Who can explain
          this? Iím going crazy? We got to
          get out of here! We, we, got to GET
          OUT!



ďWho can explain this?Ē Doesnít sound like something someone would say in the middle of a crisis, maybe ďWhatís going on?Ē


Quoted Text

              CLEO (CONíT)
          Holy Hell, So this is the
          apocalypse?



I see you are trying to make an effort to connect the crimes/horror of he story to something real which I like a lot, but itís hard to make a story really try to say something. This sounds like it could be interesting maybe the execution could be a little tighter. Chloe has a goal to get dirt on the NFL at the banquet, but she gets into the event rather easily. Was she invited? Wouldnít she have a reputation?

BLB


Commodus: But the Emperor Claudius knew that they were up to something. He knew they were busy little bees. And one night he sat down with one of them and he looked at her and he said, "Tell me what you have been doing, busy little bee..."
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