Sting by Dan Clune - Horror - After surviving anaphylactic shock brought on by a bee sting, a seven-year-old girl is compelled by disturbing visions of abduction and murder to lead her mother and her friend into a confrontation with a deadly kidnapper. 104 pages

production: Budget sensible; 6 main characters, 3 minor; Simple locations, chapel, basement, house, car, office

synopsis - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Dan: I read a few pages. Overall, you do a nice job with dialogue and some of your descriptions are real vivid. That being said, you are making some basic mistakes out of the gate.

Quoted Text EXT. HONEY POT STRIP CLUB-NIGHT. The strip club is located in an industrial area. The front sign reads, ’HONEY POT GENTLEMAN’S CLUB’, a neon bear dips a paw in a honey jar.

You're missing spaces around the - and you don't need a period after NIGHT. The header should be:

EXT. HONEY POT STRIP CLUB - NIGHT

Never a need to repeat your location in the description when it's already in the header. You don't need "the Strip Club is".

Since you're actually in the parking lot - add that to the header so you don't have to repeat it.

EXT. HONEY POT STRIP CLUB/PARKING LOT - NIGHT

Quoted Text There’s a smattering of cars in the car-park. The headlights of a delivery van flare to life, shine through pouring rain. The van reverses across the car-park and reveals a beat up old car. It parks on the other side of the car-park and the headlights shut down.

Tell us it's raining when you first open the scene - it's the first thing we'll see.

Break your actions at distinct moments - as our eyes move. i.e., I would put a space between when we first see the cars and then the van lights. All in all - something like:

EXT. HONEY POT STRIP CLUB/PARKING LOT - NIGHT

An industrial area of town. Rain pounds the smattering of cars in the lot.

A neon sign on the front of the building reads, ’HONEY POT GENTLEMAN’S CLUB’, a neon bear dips a paw in a honey jar.

The headlights of a beat-up delivery van flare to life, shine through pouring rain.

The van reverses across the lot and parks on the other side. The headlights shut down.

THE PAINTER, clad in overalls and a knit cap, steps from the van and rushes towards the club's entrance.

Quoted Text INT. THE HONEY POT STRIP CLUB-NIGHT. The interior of the strip club is hazy, country music plays. The mirrored bar is lined with empty stools, shadowy silhouettes sit in dark booths.

Exact same issues with opening scene. Wrong format and you don't need the interior of the strip club. Just start with Hazy.

Quoted Text The Painter orders a drink. He turns and focuses on the stage.

I think you need a BARTENDER in the scene. May also want to add dialogue. i.e., the order.

Quoted Text DISK JOCKEY(O/S)

Wrong format. Should be (O.S)

Quoted Text DISK JOCKEY(O/S)(CONT’D)

Same issue.

Quoted Text A dancer dressed as a cow girl struts on stage, she cracks a whip.

DANCER should be capped.

Quoted Text INT. DANCERS CHANGE ROOMS-NIGHT The change-room has lockers on a back wall, a clothing rack with costumes.

Same issues as the first two scenes.

From what I scanned - you seem to have a knack for story and dialogue. However, you got to clean this up - use the correct format, etc.

Hope this helps get you started in that direction.

Quoted from eldave1 The header should be: EXT. HONEY POT STRIP CLUB/PARKING LOT - NIGHT

Well...actually not.  You don't want to use "/" in this situation, as it means "either or", and that's not correct here.  Simply replace the "/" with a "-".

Quoted from eldave1 All in all - something like: Rain pounds the smattering of cars in the lot.

I know you're rushing through this, Dave, but there's an example of the exact mistake you're discussing here.  "in the lot".  We know  we're "in the lot" from the Slug, so this is repetitive.

I'd recommend like this,

"Rain pounds the smattering of cars."

Quoted from eldave1 The van reverses across the lot and parks on the other side.

Same thing here.  We know we're still in the lot, so no reason to keep repeating it.

Your point is very sound about not repeating your Slug in the line that follows, but you can follow this advice all the way through the entire passage.

Just wanted to point these few things out.

Quoted from Dreamscale Well...actually not.  You don't want to use "/" in this situation, as it means "either or", and that's not correct here.  Simply replace the "/" with a "-".

Interesting. Never heard that  " /"  means either or. This from Story Sense:

"It is also acceptable to separate the specific setting from the master with a hyphen. However, a slash is preferred, as it keeps the setting grouped, making it easier to distinguish from other elements in the heading."

i.e., they're actually recommending /.  Where did you get the either or thing definition from?

I know you're rushing through this, Dave, but there's an example of the exact mistake you'r

Quoted Text e discussing here.  "in the lot".  We know  we're "in the lot" from the Slug, so this is repetitive. I'd recommend like this, "Rain pounds the smattering of cars."

Yes - even better. Good catch.

Quoted Text Same thing here.  We know we're still in the lot, so no reason to keep repeating it.

IMO - there is her.  It's a clarity issue. The line:

"The van reverses across the lot and parks on the other side. The headlights shut down."

Follows after our view has changed from the lot to the sign on the strip club. Don't think it's a problem to bring the reader back. More importantly - we got something moving here from one specific spot to another within our setting and the reader needs to know how far.   The van reverses doesn't do it. Could be just a few feet. But it's not - it's all the way across this lot.

Quoted from eldave1 Interesting. Never heard that  " /"  means either or. This from Story Sense: "It is also acceptable to separate the specific setting from the master with a hyphen. However, a slash is preferred, as it keeps the setting grouped, making it easier to distinguish from other elements in the heading." i.e., they're actually recommending /.  Where did you get the either or thing definition from?

Well, here's a couple things to think about...

First of all, in the example from this script, in reality, neither a slash or hyphen should be used, as the setting is the Strip Club Parking Lot.

Secondly, just like you quoted above, we're talking about (potentially) a "master" and then more specific setting, and in terms of how Slugs work in this regard, you'd always us a hyphen as you get more specific.  For example - DAVE'S HOUSE - OFFICE.  As you peel off the levels, you use hyphens.

Maybe it's just me, but the only time I'd ever use a slash in a Slug, is if you have an "open" area, that is actually 2 (or more) different locations.  For example - you have a house with a stairway and an open foyer, and you have someone in the foyer, as well as on the stairway.  I'd use STAIRWAY/FOYER, because to film either character or action (maybe both at once), you'd (in theory) do it from the same spot.  Or, you could have a great room open and connected to a foyer, with characters in each - GREAT ROOM/FOYER.

Know what I'm saying?

Quoted from eldave1 IMO - there is her.  It's a clarity issue. The line: "The van reverses across the lot and parks on the other side. The headlights shut down." Follows after our view has changed from the lot to the sign on the strip club. Don't think it's a problem to bring the reader back. More importantly - we got something moving here from one specific spot to another within our setting and the reader needs to know how far.   The van reverses doesn't do it. Could be just a few feet. But it's not - it's all the way across this lot.

I hear you here, and if "distance" is important, no prob having lot repeated again.

I was just suggesting that once your scene is set, your readers understand where they are and "most of the time" there's no reason to repeat that Slug location.

Quoted from Dreamscale Well, here's a couple things to think about... First of all, in the example from this script, in reality, neither a slash or hyphen should be used, as the setting is the Strip Club Parking Lot. Secondly, just like you quoted above, we're talking about (potentially) a "master" and then more specific setting, and in terms of how Slugs work in this regard, you'd always us a hyphen as you get more specific.  For example - DAVE'S HOUSE - OFFICE.  As you peel off the levels, you use hyphens. Maybe it's just me, but the only time I'd ever use a slash in a Slug, is if you have an "open" area, that is actually 2 (or more) different locations.  For example - you have a house with a stairway and an open foyer, and you have someone in the foyer, as well as on the stairway.  I'd use STAIRWAY/FOYER, because to film either character or action (maybe both at once), you'd (in theory) do it from the same spot.  Or, you could have a great room open and connected to a foyer, with characters in each - GREAT ROOM/FOYER. Know what I'm saying? I hear you here, and if "distance" is important, no prob having lot repeated again. I was just suggesting that once your scene is set, your readers understand where they are and "most of the time" there's no reason to repeat that Slug location.

Still think / is fine. No biggie