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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    January, 2009 Two Week Challenge  ›  0109 TWC - The Long Road Home
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  Author    0109 TWC - The Long Road Home  (currently 952 views)
SimplyScripts
Posted: January 17th, 2009, 3:37pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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The Long Road Home by James Redd, Zack Akers, Zavier Alvarez (james r, zack, nixon)  writing as:  Matter Eater and Duo Damsel - Short, Sci Fi - As a small band of soldiers begin to wake from cryostasis, their dreams of a long-awaited homecoming are shattered when they realize they're stranded on the outer reaches of our solar system.  Dangerously low on supplies, their survival now hinges on whether one of them is willing to make the ultimate sacrifice. 15 pages - pdf, format


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SimplyScripts  -  January 24th, 2009, 5:43pm
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Shelton
Posted: January 17th, 2009, 4:09pm Report to Moderator
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I didn't much care for how you introduced the characters with a formal name, then gave them nicknames which you ultimately called them by.  You would have been much better off just going with the nicknames right away and sticking with them.  The rest is just unnecessary clutter.

Ultimately, I enjoyed this one.  I think it was a little bit of a different take on the theme in keeping the food shortage isolated to the ship, but ultimately it wasn't solved.  I guess that wasn't really a requirement to solve it, just that they had to work on solving it.  Good enough for me.

There was a decent amount of suspense here, and although I could see that Tex was going to do what he did, you took it a step further and ultimately screwed them all.

An enjoyable read.


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Dreamscale
Posted: January 17th, 2009, 6:18pm Report to Moderator
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First of all, I agree with Shelton that the characters names should be their nicknames only...no need for actual names here.

Other than that, I liked this one.  Pretty effective and convincing as well, in terms of sci-fi talk, and the like.  I bought it all.

Near the end, I noticed some mistakes starting to pop up, but up until page 12, it was very clean and mistake free.

Didn't really care for the ending, but overall, this definitely worked, and is well concieved and written.

Good job!


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Dreamscale  -  January 19th, 2009, 4:25pm
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stevie
Posted: January 17th, 2009, 8:01pm Report to Moderator
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yeah this was written well. the space and marine talk gets a bit much but the story flows. the ending was sort of weird. it was predictable but just finished too abruptly.
i know there wasn't much else for the story to go but it could've been handled better. but a pretty good job.


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mcornetto
Posted: January 17th, 2009, 8:07pm Report to Moderator
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Well that was a pleasant uplifting story.  Not depressing at all...

I thought it was well written.  I thought you created good atmosphere, characters and tension and I thought you just barely squeaked by with the theme by treating the ship as a microcosm.  

I did not like that you introduced the characters with full names and then referred to them by their nicknames throughout - without any real reason that I could see.   I also did not like that you referred to the ship as HANNIBLE when I think you really meant HANNIBAL.  Most of all I did not like the turn of events in the story and thought things could have been resolved a bit differently.
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Sandra Elstree.
Posted: January 17th, 2009, 11:48pm Report to Moderator
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As far as writing goes, I think this is completely solid.

On the critical side, I think it's too much delving into the sci-fi aspects for a short-- the detail of the ship etc... But that's ok, the person obviously has a great heart for this and it shows.

Really, my only problem with it is that it's a little too clinical. Does that make sense to you?

What it feels like to me is the "monkey mind" has taken control in this. It's very Star Trekish, but where's the originality? Where's the emotion?

But it IS solid!!! And I think you're nailing a lot in this and I would vote this as my favorite and I'm not always a fan of all space shows, so that says a lot... (but I loved most of the Star Treks), probably because they did a good job with the characters. It wasn't just a lot of blinking lights and fancy gadgets.

I think you should be proud of this entry even if it's not really there with the food shortage theme.

You obviously worked hard on this or are just plain talented.

Good job!

Sandra




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MBCgirl
Posted: January 18th, 2009, 3:14am Report to Moderator
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I thought this definately had the sci-fi portion down...resolving a food shortage barely squeeks by

It was an interesting tale and I like the premise of the story but it was predictable...even for Tex to flame out in the end...

As Sandra put it...it is solid...

Good job!


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Murphy
Posted: January 18th, 2009, 6:40am Report to Moderator
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I actually thought this nailed the food shortage angle really well. I never saw the food shortage having to be something that affected the whole world, it could easily just be a local one, so in my mind this was well done on that front. Although of course Tex didn't exactly solve the food shortage in the end.

I thought this was a cracking script and my favorite TWC entry, One of my favorite genres or sub-genre really, is "stuck on a spaceship" movies and this does it well for a short. I like the nod back to Alien, like Danny Boyle's "Sunshine" the good ones use a world we are familiar with rather than to try and re-invent the wheel.

I was kind of disappointed with the way it ended, but I guess the easiest choice would have been to have Reaver overcome Tex and save the day. This was unexpected and I guess a good attempt to do something different so can't fault you for that.

If I had to pick a "winner" from this bunch of scripts it would be this one. Very nicely done indeed.
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stebrown
Posted: January 18th, 2009, 10:17am Report to Moderator
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Shouldn't the computer be a V.O.?

I really like this one, my clear favourite so far, although it seemed a little too dialogue driven.

The start was a little too 'Alien', but who am I to complain about that? hahaha

The end was really good but would be better if it took a little longer. The struggle for Tex to kill kimself should be fully explored. I get why he does it, because he regrets what he did and doesn't know how he can explain it, but it would be better given more time.

This fits the challenge to a tee and I'm well impressed with it. Great job.


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jayrex
Posted: January 19th, 2009, 4:08pm Report to Moderator
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Hi,

This is my second script and I prefer this script as it fits the theme.  

I loved the sci-fi jargon and the line "study this, college boy".  The description was good as I was able to picture the scenes.

The ending was good too.  It may seem over-the-top, but it's different.  I like it.

I agree with the others that you should have introduce your characters by their nicknames.

Overall, a well crafted script.

All the best,


Javier


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Higgonaitor
Posted: January 20th, 2009, 12:22am Report to Moderator
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Hey friend,

This was very well written in that al the dialogue and actions seemed real, and not corny or rushed.  Thats hard to do with a 15 pager.

My only problem with it was the plot.  I was bored out of my mind and saw every twist coming.  It seems, after reading above questions, that it was just me.  I guess starving in space just isn't my cup of tea.

Seriously good writing though.  I'm curious to see who wrote this one.


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George Willson
Posted: January 20th, 2009, 2:22pm Report to Moderator
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The twist on the challenge was clever. It didn't occur to me to make the food shortage localized at all, and you pulled a food shortage in space. I thought the setup was well done, and it is hard to get around the Alien reference, even though cryogenic freezing is a sci-fi staple that Alien by means invented or re-invented.

The only real issue I had was Reaper conveniently "forgetting" to put Doc's tube on standby. That was a rather cheap way to get rid of a character. Better to just try to move him to sick bay and have him flatline on the way. It would have provided some action and a more active way to accidentally lose someone than a convenient forgetfulness.

I did like that way you explained why they couldn't go back into freezing. That got that question out of the way quick.

I didn't like the ending either though. Sure, Tex's move was right in character for him, but why not have him go ahead and survive? He did what he had to do right? In fact, he and Reaper probably wouldn't have ever told what really happened. Just live with it.

It was well written all the same, though. Good job.


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Zack
Posted: September 14th, 2009, 2:16pm Report to Moderator
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Wow, I though I had commented on this way back when the authors were announced. Sorry about that. Haha. Thanks everyone for the reads. The others and I really appreciate it. I had a blast with this OWC and think the script turned out great. Sorry again for the late response.

~Zack~


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