In A Pinch by Sebastian the Crab - Short, Drama - A woman returning home to take over her family's legacy finds it's much harder than she ever imagined. 11 pages - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Obviously an accomplished writer and you know your subject matter well. A  joy to read overall. A little bit laboured at mid point but some fine work for a one week challenge.

Yay! The OWC is back, and it feels like Christmas day when Santa's delivered your presents and all you've got to do is unwrap them. Is it a pair of socks, or is it PlayStation with FIFA already attached? It's definitely the latter (that's a good thing).

First up, the parameters. So far as I could tell you've nailed them. No more than 4 characters, set in the present and all filmable. Fish out of water? Yep, a fish in the water, that's out of water. Tick.

The writing worked well, and was good and clear. The pace could have been ramped up at the end, just to add a bit more peril, but that's me nitpicking. Kinda felt comedic in parts which was nice, the dialogue was sound and overall it was a fine little script.

Good job,

Cam

Janice is a solid character because of her determination alone. And it's fun to watch her work the deck like a Swiss Army knife, but there's no way she'd be able to get a crab boat underway on her own - physically and legally. Given that it could only have 4 characters, I'm sure the writer made a tradeoff to tell the story right.

The story was great, I enjoyed the interaction between captains and the first radio call with Nolan. I've always been captivated by Dutch Harbor. The locals there are very friendly but also tell it like it is - especially at the bar. It strikes me as a place where strangers come and go, and who knows, maybe even hiding out.

Crab boats go much further than 20 miles off shore for their catch, and unless they're avoiding harsh weather, they stay out longer too. Not sure why Nolan's crew was strapped in during an emergency, but it was good to see Janice get a tow on it and bring in the boat. I liked the ending, Nolan coming onboard to fish with her. Nice work.

You certainly know your subject, although maybe this script a little ambitious for a short, in terms of the shooting financials. The story line is good with an element of comedy which really works. Try to 'show not tell' and continue to read as many scripts as possible to improve. Overall a creditable effort!

In A Pinch

It's a solid story that's, without a doubt, well adjusted to the parameters.

Its exposition is handled extremely well for a short. I tend to find most writers handling shorts containing too much exposition or little to none. So, give yourself a pat on the back for that.

As for the visuals, they're well communicated for the most part. Although, at times, I felt some passages were under elaborated than others.

The only gripe I have with the short is the consistent use of adverbs. Personally, I find adverbs a limiter for writers. You can evoke amazing imagery without adverbs. Even each time I write an adverb, I give myself a slap on the wrist.

But overall, a good story and a solid script written by a knowledgeable writer. It's eligible to win the contest.

Liked it, liked it, liked it.

One of the few where I was with the story the whole way. Yes, there's no shocking twist or inciting incident - but it percolated just fine for my taste.

IMO, solid writing throughout - nice job here!

Difficult subject matter to have only four characters but you pulled it off. Congratulations on that.

Production wise it would be a modest budget.  Would people come and pay to watch it?  I think you might break even.

The story is well written and an easy read.

Scale of 1 to 10 I give a 6.

Nice little short. Nothing groundbreaking about the story but a good microcosm of crab fisherman. I guess the writer lives in an area where they do this? either that or some seriously top research done. Well done!

Reminded me a bit of chars in one of my favorite books, The Beast by Peter Benchley

So, top of the list. It appears to fit the parameters pretty directly. Lots of jargon which makes it a bit hard to read if you don't know it, but I'm also sure it makes it easier to film since everything is so specific.

My main impression from it is that nothing much happens. It's a little slice of life story where we see a crab fisherman learn the ropes. It's a nice simple backstory. There is a minor difficulty, but no real stakes and no real antagonistic force. I kept waiting for the big thing to happen, but it never did.

Well, done on the detail, but it lacks that big grab factor that shorts need.

A fun little heart-warmer. Got the tone of one of those light-hearted dramas that Hollywood used to do so well. I like it.

Nolan's emergency feels a little bit convenient -- maybe it just needed a bit of foreshadowing? -- and his final speech explained the story a little too neatly. If I had one complaint it would be that the protag actually wins her acceptance pretty easily. But you've already told a lot of story in a few pages here, so maybe that's not a fair complaint.

Anyway, good stuff.

Hi,

A nice little romance. A good one.  It reminds me a lot of "New in Town" with Renee Zellweger. I even could see her in this.

A bit over descriptive and talky. I'm thinking you could trim on the dialog quite a bit - a lot of conversation with Martha I think could be done away with. And Nolan keeps repeating he's got a rookie messing with his whatever... - he's a bit repetitive.

I liked the conflict between them. Kind of predictable, but romantic movies are, much like New in Town and I thoroughly enjoyed that one. Nice job.

Writing is pretty nice - Thank you!

Over the first 4 pages, my only complaint, and it is a big one, knowing about these crab fishers, is that Janice could not do this literally alone...impossible to single handily drive and drop pots - this is a multiple person job, any way you look at it.

Good to see that the others discuss Janice's attempt to do this alone.

Page 6 - Here's a little trick that should help - the passage, "Nolan turns without waiting for a reply. He sits next to Pedro." ends in an orphan, so, if you go away with the period, change it to a comma, and delete "He", you have a single sentence, and no orphan.

Page 9 - your writing is so clean, I want to just let you know there's 1 typo here - "she" should be "the".

This is good!  Solid writing, good, heart warming story, just well done overall, and you met the parameters of the challenge perfectly.

I think a little lead-in story would help, but otherwise, great job - best so far by a landslide!

Grade - ****

Writer,

Nice, nice work. Very good writing, saw everything you wanted me to see and you have a pretty complete story. Not much else to say here, I guess. My fav so far! Great job.

Steve

I was falling asleep reading this. It would play out better on screen no doubt. I've just had a romance produced that I imagine would be boring to read.

I read the beginning, some of the middle and then skipped to the obvious end. Although I can write this stuff too, when given a choice, I'd rather write something with more oomph.

Great writing, the story just doesn't float my boat.