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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    July 2017 OWC  ›  In A Pinch - OWC
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  Author    In A Pinch - OWC  (currently 1839 views)
DanC
Posted: July 26th, 2017, 12:36am Report to Moderator
Old Timer


Killing villains since 1980!

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I must be the only person who doesn't think you met the fish-out-of-water aspect of the parameter.  You claim that she grew up there and knows everything about a boat and the life, save where to fish.

I am not sure that qualifies.

I thought the story carried on too long.  Too much going through similar stuff and like Dustin, it got a bit boring for me too.

I know nothing about boats, so, I have no clue how accurate it is.

However, I do know there is no way that she'd be allowed to go out there alone.  No way, no how.

And if she's who she says she is, and she advertised for help, and her dad was that good of a guy, I'm sure someone would have shown up, if nothing more than to see if she's like him...

I think the parameter of 4 people really hurt the credibility of the story.

Dan


Please read my scripts:
http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-series/m-1427564706/

I'm interested in reading animation, horror, sci fy, suspense, fantasy, and anything that is good.  I enjoy writing the same.  Looking to team with anyone!

Thanks
Dan
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JEStaats
Posted: July 26th, 2017, 1:53pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer


No sh*t, there I was....

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I agree with Dan in that the realism is conveniently overlooked and that there's a whole crew strapped in below deck. That said, I really liked the story and could be made into a feature for sure. A lot of people have this as their favorite, so good job. My biggest competition! Dang. Good stuff, writer!
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ReneC
Posted: July 26th, 2017, 2:48pm Report to Moderator
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There's a lot of story packed into these pages. The limitations of the challenge really hurt this from blooming to full effect, but it still tells a good story. Lots of visuals, great use of setting, just ambitious for the challenge. Maybe choose a different story next time?

There are definitely stumbles along the way. The bar scene doesn't seem real. No way anyone would attempt one of the most dangerous jobs in the world alone. No way anyone would be strapped below during a crisis (character limit got ya, huh?) You don't fish for crab thirty kilometers from port, that's like shooting deer from your back porch.

I didn't get the romance angle others seem to have at the end, but maybe I just have a stone cold heart. What I did get was a touching finish that resonated with me. Great job there.

All in all, one of my faves too.


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PrussianMosby
Posted: July 27th, 2017, 6:42am Report to Moderator
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Very generic logline, there's nothing special

Funny that she forgot the line...

In general, I wasn't sure you can do that kind of fishing alone???

Whatever… I like her, a little fighter she is, fresh and witty, a cool character

Yeah she's great… love her

p7 okay this back-story about her father may not be the best way to keep us entertained there. Get it done as quickly as possible… I mean, really cut every word possible that you don't need for explaining the context regarding her dad.
^^ really a minor point but it was noticeable to me that it slowed down there and felt like passive information without any live-experience for me.

Great work. There's nothing to say against the story from my side. I simply enjoyed following.


((@ with regards to the quality and content of the story, the logline is abysmal, sorry. You sell your script extremely short there, with endlessly vague words that have no connection to the plot. It's not even addressing the fishing topic and… sounds more like "mom's coming home to do the housework"))



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Sandra Elstree.
Posted: July 27th, 2017, 1:20pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


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Well, this was really well done!

A real stranger in a strange "water" story.

Fit the meaning of the challenge completely. It was quick and clean read.

Sandra



A known mistake is better than an unknown truth.
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AnthonyCawood
Posted: July 27th, 2017, 4:18pm Report to Moderator
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Really liked this, well written and flowed well.

It didn't surprise me in where it went but sometimes that's fine, and this is one of those times.

My first read of this OWC and off to a good start.


Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
Available Short screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/short-scripts
Available Feature screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/feature-film-scripts/
Screenwriting articles - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/articles
IMDB Link - http://www.imdb.com/name/nm6495672/?ref_=fn_al_nm_1
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Spqr
Posted: July 31st, 2017, 3:01pm Report to Moderator
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I liked this a lot. I have only two mild critiques:

1. Nolan's closing speech was too on-the-nose.

2. Janice's commitment to becoming a commercial fisherman must be called into question when we see her in a bar drinking white wine instead of rotgut.
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ReneC
Posted: August 4th, 2017, 11:34am Report to Moderator
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Thanks to everyone who commented on this. I really appreciate all the feedback, and I'm glad you liked it enough to make it your top pick!

The critique I wrote here (a first for me!) is a good peek behind the curtain about how I came up with this. It's not a story that should even have been attempted with a four character limit, but after starting another script that just wasn't working for me this was all I had come up with and I didn't have time to think up something else. So I cheated, a lot, giving the impression of other people being around but not showing them. Sometimes it worked, like the other ship passing by and only the captain is visible at the wheelhouse. Other times it didn't, like keeping the rest of the crew below deck during an emergency. I also realize this is too expensive, but again, it was the only idea I had and had to run with it or risk not writing anything.

In regards to knowing the material, I really don't. I watched some Deadliest Catch a few years ago and did some quick research into where they fish from and what crab boats look like, and that's about it. Nice to know I can fool some of you though!  

Oh, and I had to come up with that crappy logline right before the deadline. I know it's terrible, it was an 11th hour entry and I just didn't have time to do better. It doesn't do the script any justice.


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