Thank YOU, Tyler. I'm on a steep learning curve and can learn a lot. I appreciate the information on where you were coming from and how you based your story. This helps me.

See,

When I started with Simply, I know I made some people angry because they thought I was being a "jerkett". I remember once, with Michael C. (in a collab game) a situation where he thought I was goofing off, but I wasn't.

The truth was, I simply didn't have the screenwriting background and I wing-wing-winged my way around. Just being me-self.

I'm not a hard core Movie-holic. I'll never be. Not in this life.

But I do recognize good work when I see it.

Someone mentioned about a "golden opportunity" with this script. About the looking through the keyhole etc...

I think they're right. I think this is a good opportunity to build and work with that.

Again, I say,

Good work. I had you noted down as soon as I read it and you've received an *Excellent from me.

You were together in my rating with

The Atom & Eve

The First Step

and

Plight & In A Pinch

I also had

Dream

It was listed as one of my favourites, but because it had NR, wasn't in the scoring sheet.

The last thing I want to add here on your story:

Change your title. Make it memorable.

I noticed with a lot of the scripts, I had to make notes to keep things straight.

A Shade of Deathly Blue, (though I hated the content) had that kind of title.

So yeah, for all writers... pay attention to your title.

Thanks Tyler. Good Entry.

Sandra

Writer,

Pretty standard ghost story, I'd say, and something we've seen before. i love how Robin tells Jessie never to look in the keyhole, and boom, what does Jessie do? Sure enough. Not a bad tale, but nothing memorable either. Good job.

Steve

I liked the wording and the plot of setting someone in a foreign home with no escape (although 10 miles).
Your action lines are decent and the dialogs pretty much credible. It was a nice play to make Robin look horrifying, while being a sweet-child. I'm sure the intention was to like her, but in the same time we fear her, because of the isolation around her.
I wished you'd have thrown in an additional line before Jessie went up. Something that shows the worries of Robin; something like: As Jessie leaves the room, tense spreads all over Robin's face as fearing the outcome of her hospitality.
Don't know. Something showing that Robin is the good one and is experienced in the cruelty of her daughter. The effect would be that ones would might mourn for Robins dead.

The idea with the eyehole was very good. A twist at this place would have played well: like making Scarlet a hostage who tried to kill herself and shows excitement by the sight of the stranger on the other side of the door. The door could be closed and she asks Jessie to get the key. Build a thrilling scene in which Jessie tries to get the key out of the same room like Robin without catching her attention, then let Jessie open the door and Robin asking her why she did that and making Jessie understand that she caused the dead of both. Scarlet gets out. A fight. Robin sacrifices herself. Jessie bolts down to the street where a car hits her. She wakes up and notices that she''s back in her car. Calming herself down that all was just a dream she rams into the deer and spots the house and: BOOM -  a Paradox. Yes - still a cliché, but resolving in a paradox is in some way more thrilling, cause now we will wonder what she will do. Maybe visit, but don't open the door. Stay in the car. Who knows?

Nevertheless - Thrilling story; well done!

Keep it up,


PedroS

This is a decent ghost story, but pretty typical.

Splitting the deer in half with her SUV would be really hard to do in real life. I was in a big military truck when it hit a deer. There was no outward sign of damage to the animal, but it did have to be put out of its misery with a bullet. Does Jessie have anything in the SUV to finish off the deer with?

The warning not to look in the keyhole would work a lot better if this were a straight crazed killer story. Jessie looks in the keyhole, sees the hanging girl, and freaks out. Which sets Robin off.

logline isn't bad
title is

Okay, let's see what you got here.

Deer accident is properly crafted. Good opening.

Then, the cell phone… a big no no for my taste. Haha, you know, that the phone does not work is far ahead of a clichéd story decision. If there's truly no better choice to be found, then possibly just let it bang into the windshield when the crash happened. Everything is better than a dead battery for another time.
     
In the house: You go the long way to get her in there and close to any tension. But I must say I generally like how that part is done. The characters feel authentic.

THUMP <- while this was good from the moment when I understood that the noise was coming from inside Scarlet's room, it wasn't clear from the start from where it was exactly coming from, re Jessie's room.

Minor point, I know but it's there… and this part could flow better.

Otherwise the tension now is top.

So, Scarlet faces the wall?? Because that's the only way she can bang her head against it I think. This description should be clearer then. Like, do we only see the back of her…?

I like your page transitions pretty much. There often was a beat or happening or question that I'd call a page-turner.

All right, the ending pulls the script down tremendously.

You need to work on that and I think you know that already. This passive explanation of a haunted house does not work to satisfy me. There's also no true conclusion why Jessie saw them and why she's not allowed to take a look in Scarlet's room if it has no meaning or stays unexplained later. The ending, as is, actually just says she saw ghosts who shouldn't be there…

In general, the script was very spooky and I liked all of it up to that point. It's worth to revisit and rethink how to interweave something into the existing plot that gives you the opportunity to communicate a new, even impressing ending. Don't forget, it's the most important part of a story. However, what you got is a very good foundation for my taste. Well done so far, now give it a last push in the right direction.