Don't Look by 0 - Short, Horror - On the way home from her night shift at work, a young woman experiences deer, car troubles, a farmhouse, a mother with terminal cancer, her anti-social daughter, and a terrifying revelation that shocks her to the core… 10 pages - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Not bad. A little too much info in that logline imh. And two deer - one split in half, still clinging to life? I'd just pare it down a bit. Quite a lot going on and an ending that's a little too familiar. I loved the setup - weird Scarlet - but it didn't quite deliver for me in the end. Great title btw.

Not bad. It is a familiar story, but I really like the way you handled Scarlet. Very creepy. Not so much for the rest. Good choice of story to fit the challenge parameters.

If you were to rewrite this, there are a few things that could be improved.The pace doesn't match the action when you're trying to amp up tension. It should read faster at those times. The repetitive thumps were annoying, you can find another way to do that and keep it an entertaining read. There's no payoff for the warning, even the title suggests a dire consequence but looking through the keyhole amounts to nothing that wasn't going to happen anyway. And the ending doesn't deliver, it needs more of an impact.

"A natural beauty with no make-up on." No. Stop introducing female characters that way.

Good job completing it.

Hi. Agreeing with most of what has already been said. Some typo's along the way and the action lines need to be reviewed. All in all a good effort and with a little work could be a  sweet script to be produced.

Don't Look

Let me start off by saying I loved majority of the action lines. They're quick, snappy, and visual. The action lines delivered a fun read, though the ones revolving around the deer getting hit could have been handled a bit better. Also, not sure if you read my review in the last forum, but I'm still not a fan of adverbs in screenplays. Although, the adverbs weren't that bothersome in this script.

The story itself is good. It's reminiscent to Beyond Belief: Fact or Fiction. The twist wasn't bad, but a bit underwhelming for me. Regardless, it's still good for a one week challenge.

Overall, a good story and script. Good job.  

I'd say the sweetspot of this story is between Jessie looking through the keyhole and when she meets up with the driver. Run-of-the-mill ghost story ending, not the gravest of consequences, but it works as intended. Looking through this keyhole is creepy creepy!

I was kind of wondering if Jessie would put her nurse hat on and attempt to help in anyway, but maybe she knew it was too late. The beginning and all the shit weather felt like forced tension, only because we're reminded about it often. The event that takes place once inside speaks for itself.

Once things started going it's a really fun story, ending was expected.

Hey Writer,

Fish out of water? Yeh, why not. Stuck to the page limit, and set in the present, so all in line there.

This was interesting. It has a really good and creepy build up, and looking into Scarlet's room had me creeped out. Visually very good up until this point. And then it was a bit like a bursting balloon, and just went flat with a fairly tame ending.

Definitely some great writing on show, but given how well you initially started and built the whole thing, it's a shame the ending was pretty ordinary.

Cam

I love Horror...

This was a good story, could tell you didn't have much time for a rewrite or edit.  But that's cool neither did I.

As for how the story goes it is a little familiar in spots.  I like" don't look through the keyhole", and she does.

Creepy

This could be made into a feature film.  Would it make money?  Yes.

Budget, Nominal.

Good job.

Yeah not bad this. Pretty cliched but the writer has a good idea of where the story should go and the writing is precise and does the job.

a couple of points? If Jessie only lives 10 miles up the road, wouldn't she know about the tragedy perhaps? Unless she is new to the area?  And it was a tad convenient that the Driver (who should be named perhaps) just happens to come along a 'deserted backroad' just at that moment lol.  Anyway pretty good effort!

Classic urban legend. Do we have a person where they don't belong? Sure.

The main problem with this one is that it's familiar. Familiar can be good as long as you take that familiar and twist it on its head so it is both familiar and new. You don't make it new though. It's just familiar. As soon as the word "vacant" pops in the dialogue, it's over. We know exactly how it will end.

The trope of horror is also there. Woman says "don't look through keyhole," you know at first available opportunity, the character will look through the keyhole. The problem with that is that the "keyhole look" has no payoff or consequences. She does it, and then goes back to bed. You can't set something up, make the character do it, and have zero consequences for it.

In fact, other than the OMG at the end, this story has no consequences for the main character. And like I said, the familiarity with the plot elicits a chuckle at the end instead of the shock factor you want.

The first task for any writer is to keep the reader engaged, and reading on.

You did that with no trouble.

I was curious to read to the conclusion. As we moved forward, the pacing started to get a little frenetic, and it felt more down to you cramming into the page count, as opposed to a natural build-up of the action.

Maybe it's just me, but didn't Jessie never go to sleep? So when she tells the driver "last night" and "this morning", that can't be right? Maybe I missed something.

The big thing for me (and I suspect this is down to getting it done quickly), the dialogue seemed a bit on the nose at times, and at odds with the character; Robin was described as pretty horro-like, but then conversed like friendly Madge at the post office. Kind of jarred for me. Jessie's exchange with The Driver also seemed a little unnatural.

In terms of adherence to the theme, I can see it, but it does feel a little tenuous.

Overall, there are more positives than negatives, i just focus on the negatives, as that's always the most helpful to hear. Hopefully!

That logline, no no no. Just say she experiences unforeseen obstacles. challenges, unexpected events. But a laundry list? Needs to be changed.

"unknowingly gravitates toward a DEER" sounds as if the deer is pulling her towards it.

Too much of your action starts with Jessie this, Jessie that. She screams. She yells. Change it up. This is always a dead give-away to me the writer is inexperienced or the script isn't fully finished.

I don't live in Indiana, but are there lots of deer in the cornfields? The deer she hit is split in half yet still alive????

You have four pages of talking between Jessie and Robin where the only thing that really happens is Jessie goes upstairs to rest. Late in. Early out. Doubly so here.

" untouched SUV"? I thought it plowed into a deer?

Lackluster ending. No real conflict here. Jessie just goes through the motions of the world around her. And a ghost story like this has been done over and over before. You need a better payoff. What if the deer was the ghost???? Whoa. Ghost deer. She arrives back at the SUV to find no deer body and her car is in perfect shape. There haven't been deer in these parts for years since the forest was plowed into fields. There you go. You're welcome.

This got a very good flow. A nice little short I'd say. But at the same time, you took an easy route here. You could have more depth to it, explain why she met them now, why her. Otherwise, it doesn't have a point. I mean the story is nicely written and all, but there's no motivation for the ghosts to appear in front of her now.
Unless the fact that the house is going to be condemned revived them for a day? But it doesn't work that way. They have to attempt something through Jess then.
I guess I want more.  

I enjoyed the logline. One thing after another...

This was extremely well written. My only problem with it is it's too familiar. Like it was ripped off right out of some old Twilight Zone show.

No real complaints on this one. If there be any, it's that I don't think it quite fits the theme of the challenge.

Sandra

Telling us this is "rural Indiana" in an action/description line does not transfer to film - you need a SUPER here.

"A natural beauty with no make-up on." - A little cliche?  Yes...actually, alot cliche!

"Jessie looks around for the charger as she unknowingly gravitates toward a DEER on the side of the road." - We're inside the car, so you're insinuating that we are viewing this through the front windshield.

"She looks back up and cries out. She serves out of the way as the frightened deer dashes into the cornfield." - And again here.  "serves" - "swerves" - but, the point I'm trying to make is that you rally should switch to an EXT scene to show this properly.

"breaks" - "brakes"

The deer is split in half, yet still alive?  WTF?  When a car or SUV hits a deer, the car or SUV is fucked up, not just smoke rising from under the hood.

So far, poorly written and all very cliche.

Only 10 miles away is her home?  No big deal at all.

Lays and lies - learn the meaning and difference!!!

When using a CAPPED sound effect, you almost always want it on its own line.

Seen this many times before and there's nothing here to make it special.

I also don't see a stranger in a strange land, as Jessie lives a mere 10 miles away!

The whole "Don't Look" thing has no consequences at all.  This is a simple, cliche ghost story with very little tension, due to the setup and writing.

Spilling onto Page 11 is also a HUGE rookie mistake.

Not for me, sorry to say.

Grade - **

I agree with everyone else.  You have a good foundation for a story.  It's a classic, so, you need to change it up.  

Also, you MUST have some sort of payment for her looking at the daughter.  You missed a golden opportunity...

I think you need to figure out what kind of story you're telling.  

SPOILERS
And it was so tidy to meet a guy at the end who knows the story??  Take that out.  

Instead, have her go to the car to get a first aid kit (or specialized nursing supplies) to go back to the house to save the mom or daughter, but, it starts on fire due to a lightning strike, so, she's in a race against time, only, they are gone...

It has potential.  One of the better ones.

Dan

'blonde'... a Brit?

'cell phone'... a Brit writing as an American?

Code She slams her foot on the breaks...

Brakes.

Awkwardly phrased action.

Unrealistic dialogue.

Code Thunder BOOMS the earth.

Not good.

Needs a big rewrite.

All my points would just be a repeat of the previous comments (cop-out). I must say that it was an easy read and, even though the ending was not a surprise, I needed to finish. The best part was everything about Scarlet. Good effort, writer!

Mate, scrub the comment and wait till after, not long now

Don't let criticism get to you. There's a reason you need a thick skin to be a screenwriter. It's too personal, every negative review feels like an attack. If Dustin's biggest beef was the spelling of "blond" take it as a compliment. Better yet, just ignore it, it doesn't help you. You decide which notes help you to improve and which can be disregarded. The trick is, really disregard them, let them go completely and move on with the helpful ones.

Tyler, you gotta be tougher.  Yes, it might be a bit rude, but trust me when I say that some are awful.  Some people with money have no decency at all.

You really just have to shrug it off and move on.  Your entry was better than mine and I've been doing this for over a year.  Very few have liked anything I've written and that's OK.

You might get 100 rejection letters before you sell a minor short (forget about a feature) and that's OK because that is your journey.

Be kind, focus on yourself, and let the haters hate.  You can't and won't change them.  

I believe in Karma.  Big time.  I believe that people who hurt others because they can will one day pay a price and I also believe that people who are good because they want to reap rewards.  It might not be what you want at that time, but it might be what you need.

I hope you do write something for the next OWC

Dan

I didn't realise that asking if somebody was a Brit because they used an 'e' in blonde was an insult.

I also remember you saying before the OWC that you only had a few hours to write it. So why are you crying? Your story got what it deserved.

What did his story deserve??  He wrote a fairly decent attempt at the challenge.  His is certainly doing better than mine and quite a few others I'd imagine.  

Didn't Bill say once that his masterpiece "The Elevator Most Belonging To Alice" didn't take long to write??

Some folks are younger or newer or had issues with the story and isn't it up to all of us to keep the dialog on the positive side?

If there was one thing writers did here it'd be to show us how to do something correctly.  In other words, instead of writing that the slugs are all wrong, take one or 2 and show the writer how it should be done.  

This is an exercise in how to get better, the OWC isn't a contest or a test to be graded.  We,myself included, should all be pointing out stuff that is wrong and how to fix it.

Dan

Quoted from DanC What did his story deserve? Dan

Whatever he feels his story got.

He specified 'people'... meaning more than one.

I pointed out what I believe is wrong with the script and can't be bothered at this time to give screenwriting lessons that are rarely appreciated anyway. The recipient often takes it as being pedantic or self-serving, ego-driven, being a know-it-all.

So, I pointed out what was wrong... and what should be wrong for just a few hours work. What the writer himself should already know is wrong.

So, wtf?

Blunt, I accept. Rude and insulting... no. That's your bruised ego talking.

If you have an issue with any particular member, you can go to your member settings and block that person. That way you won't see his or her posts anymore.  

Hey Tyler, I hope my comments didn't upset you, but looking back at them, they very may well have.

Bro, you gotta let this stuff roll off you.  Take the negative comments and see if they can be used to help you as a writer.  If you learn just a single trick or mistake in a bad review, you've done great.

The negative reviews you receive are usually the most important ones you receive, as they (hopefully) show you mistakes you made that you weren't aware of.

The BS glowing reviews most leave don't help at all, and in fact, they actually hurt you as a writer.  When someone who doesn't have a clue says, "the writing on display here is awesome", and it's actually not at all, the writer is going to think he nailed it and continue to write that way.

Hey, you yourself worried earlier if you were being too harsh.  You weren't.  You were keeping it real, which is what I do as well.  Like you, I'm a perfectionist...I hate making mistakes and love it when someone points out a mistake/typo I made, cuz if I was aware of it, I wouldn't have let it slip.

Be cool, bro, and don't let it get to you.  Hope to see you continue to show your work here and give feedback to others.

I liked how this was written and it flowed well.

But, for me, Scarlett didn't really fit - she seemed like something from a J Horror film...

But all in all a decent tale.

I asked if you were British because you used an 'e' in blonde. It's standard to do that here. I'm British. Why would that be an insult? I enjoy trying to guess the writers from their styles and story choices.

What you're really hurt about is me not liking your writing.

Others like it, don't they?

As writers, we must get used to some people not liking our work. Some people hate my stuff, some don't care either way and others love it. I ignore the haters and concentrate on the others.

I can't be bothered to pander to your insecurities any further. So, please stop whining and bringing up my name as though it's my fault.

I had three favourites and this one for me is the best.

I'm sad to say though, that I don't think it meets the criteria for Stranger in a Strange Land

Think for a second, just a little tweak at the beginning, and you could have The Nurse landing in that vehicle. Make it not her life. Make her a Walk-In.  Then, boom, you're in the parameters.

But I'm willing to disregard the parameters just to say this was my favourite, but my vote can't really count because I'm not abiding by the true rules and spirit of the contest.

Sandra

Thank YOU, Tyler. I'm on a steep learning curve and can learn a lot. I appreciate the information on where you were coming from and how you based your story. This helps me.

See,

When I started with Simply, I know I made some people angry because they thought I was being a "jerkett". I remember once, with Michael C. (in a collab game) a situation where he thought I was goofing off, but I wasn't.

The truth was, I simply didn't have the screenwriting background and I wing-wing-winged my way around. Just being me-self.

I'm not a hard core Movie-holic. I'll never be. Not in this life.

But I do recognize good work when I see it.

Someone mentioned about a "golden opportunity" with this script. About the looking through the keyhole etc...

I think they're right. I think this is a good opportunity to build and work with that.

Again, I say,

Good work. I had you noted down as soon as I read it and you've received an *Excellent from me.

You were together in my rating with

The Atom & Eve

The First Step

and

Plight & In A Pinch

I also had

Dream

It was listed as one of my favourites, but because it had NR, wasn't in the scoring sheet.

The last thing I want to add here on your story:

Change your title. Make it memorable.

I noticed with a lot of the scripts, I had to make notes to keep things straight.

A Shade of Deathly Blue, (though I hated the content) had that kind of title.

So yeah, for all writers... pay attention to your title.

Thanks Tyler. Good Entry.

Sandra

Writer,

Pretty standard ghost story, I'd say, and something we've seen before. i love how Robin tells Jessie never to look in the keyhole, and boom, what does Jessie do? Sure enough. Not a bad tale, but nothing memorable either. Good job.

Steve

I liked the wording and the plot of setting someone in a foreign home with no escape (although 10 miles).
Your action lines are decent and the dialogs pretty much credible. It was a nice play to make Robin look horrifying, while being a sweet-child. I'm sure the intention was to like her, but in the same time we fear her, because of the isolation around her.
I wished you'd have thrown in an additional line before Jessie went up. Something that shows the worries of Robin; something like: As Jessie leaves the room, tense spreads all over Robin's face as fearing the outcome of her hospitality.
Don't know. Something showing that Robin is the good one and is experienced in the cruelty of her daughter. The effect would be that ones would might mourn for Robins dead.

The idea with the eyehole was very good. A twist at this place would have played well: like making Scarlet a hostage who tried to kill herself and shows excitement by the sight of the stranger on the other side of the door. The door could be closed and she asks Jessie to get the key. Build a thrilling scene in which Jessie tries to get the key out of the same room like Robin without catching her attention, then let Jessie open the door and Robin asking her why she did that and making Jessie understand that she caused the dead of both. Scarlet gets out. A fight. Robin sacrifices herself. Jessie bolts down to the street where a car hits her. She wakes up and notices that she''s back in her car. Calming herself down that all was just a dream she rams into the deer and spots the house and: BOOM -  a Paradox. Yes - still a cliché, but resolving in a paradox is in some way more thrilling, cause now we will wonder what she will do. Maybe visit, but don't open the door. Stay in the car. Who knows?

Nevertheless - Thrilling story; well done!

Keep it up,


PedroS

This is a decent ghost story, but pretty typical.

Splitting the deer in half with her SUV would be really hard to do in real life. I was in a big military truck when it hit a deer. There was no outward sign of damage to the animal, but it did have to be put out of its misery with a bullet. Does Jessie have anything in the SUV to finish off the deer with?

The warning not to look in the keyhole would work a lot better if this were a straight crazed killer story. Jessie looks in the keyhole, sees the hanging girl, and freaks out. Which sets Robin off.

logline isn't bad
title is

Okay, let's see what you got here.

Deer accident is properly crafted. Good opening.

Then, the cell phone… a big no no for my taste. Haha, you know, that the phone does not work is far ahead of a clichéd story decision. If there's truly no better choice to be found, then possibly just let it bang into the windshield when the crash happened. Everything is better than a dead battery for another time.
     
In the house: You go the long way to get her in there and close to any tension. But I must say I generally like how that part is done. The characters feel authentic.

THUMP <- while this was good from the moment when I understood that the noise was coming from inside Scarlet's room, it wasn't clear from the start from where it was exactly coming from, re Jessie's room.

Minor point, I know but it's there… and this part could flow better.

Otherwise the tension now is top.

So, Scarlet faces the wall?? Because that's the only way she can bang her head against it I think. This description should be clearer then. Like, do we only see the back of her…?

I like your page transitions pretty much. There often was a beat or happening or question that I'd call a page-turner.

All right, the ending pulls the script down tremendously.

You need to work on that and I think you know that already. This passive explanation of a haunted house does not work to satisfy me. There's also no true conclusion why Jessie saw them and why she's not allowed to take a look in Scarlet's room if it has no meaning or stays unexplained later. The ending, as is, actually just says she saw ghosts who shouldn't be there…

In general, the script was very spooky and I liked all of it up to that point. It's worth to revisit and rethink how to interweave something into the existing plot that gives you the opportunity to communicate a new, even impressing ending. Don't forget, it's the most important part of a story. However, what you got is a very good foundation for my taste. Well done so far, now give it a last push in the right direction.