Opening 3 passages are just overwritten, culminating in a 5 line passage which ends in an orphan - absolutely no reason for this - look at how you have "the van" twice on top of each other.

Spacing in your Slugs is off - software glitch?  Look into it.

Up to Page 4 and nothing is happening other than unrealistic dialogue. You throw in a few realistic little phrasings, but c'mon, these guys don't talk like this, and I'm not seeing the humor that's apparently supposed to be here.

Missing lots of punctuation throughout.  Apostrophes don't seem to be your friend.

Exposition City here!  OTN dialogue running rampant!  Just WAY to much banter going on.  You know your Stones and that's cool, but this is an utter bore and once again, we have no stranger in a strange land or fish out of water.

Well, I think this script means well and has some power to it in the end, but IMO, it does not meet the challenge theme.

Grade - **

Writer,

Very interesting story. Just recently saw a doc on the sixties and the summer of love, and how Altamont kinda signaled the end of that. It's pretty sad when you think about it. Anyway, your script feels a little dragged out. Probably coulda made it tighter. So much build up. But, I enjoyed this ride. Good job.

Steve

Struggled with this. Whoever wrote this was rushing and you can tell with the writing, however you get things across enough to visualize.

As soon as I realized this was about the Rolling Stones I started to switch off, not because I don't like the Stones as I do, just that I knew this script was unfilmable.  

Not my bag baby, sorry.

-Mark

As promised I haven't read any reviews before, so sorry for any repeats etc

Ok as we go...

First para just needs some clarity

What! It's the stones...  

Ok, very interesting tale. And I applaud you brining this into this OWC

Actually I love this idea, but I feel it needs some fine tuning. A touch of finesse . How to bring the best out of the concept?

Like the one I read before, it could do with some foreshadowing.

Nice effort, and connections.

I don't know. I don't know about any of this. I'm not a big Stone's fan. I do like the song with "He's got the moves like Jagger", which, I am told by a friend of a cadet friend thought the words were "He's got the moves like Jenga" and those suckers like to fall.

Seriously though, it felt to me like a lot of banter. And I didn't understand it. It didn't compel me and I found myself skimming.

Apologies,

Sandra

Very well written imho, but for me the middle dragged a little, padding perhaps.

Anyway, only vaguely familiar with the actual event so this was historically interesting too.

Ending worked well for me, felt a bit Twighlight Zoney... never a bad thing.

Every time I read short stories about famous vips and rock stars I just cringe when imaging those cheap looking doubles who would need to play them.

I'm simply not your audience here. Sorry.

I respect this effort, especially the last half when Murdock is introduced and we then know the purpose of the piece.

I have to disagree with a lot of the others about the dialogue though - the banter between the three was for me too on the nose and probably not even needed. Mick's rant about putting on a free concert had a Little Rascals vibe to it. It's just not something that perhaps the biggest rock star ever would be given to fantasizing out loud about IMO. He can do whatever he wants with a snap of the fingers. He doesn't need to waste time giving voice to it.

This could be a 6 page script, where we follow the band out to the site and the exposition is given, instead of through dialogue, through news cast V.O.'s and inserts of newspaper headlines.

I would keep the disagreement between Mick and Keith once they get to the site, but I would shorten the dialogue to one word sentences. Remember, these guys can probably read each others' minds by now.

And I almost punched out when Charlie said 'you know who I am?' Well yeah, given that he looks like Charlie Watts and he's standing next to Mick Jagger and Keith Richards... (0:

And now that you're free of the 4 character constraint, no need to leave poor Ronnie drugged up and tied to the bed... (0:

This is a good exercise in writing dialogue but no way could it ever get made because the people involved would get sued.

Plus, the incident this story revolves around happened so long ago, it's doubtful too many people still care about it.

I liked the story and the creativity of it. I was not aware of the death at the concert however. I love the Stones, but I didn't live in the US at the time besides I was rather young, so...

I think this can be trimmed quite a bit. For example, a character's every motion doesn't need to be described in detail.

I guess for me, the funniest thing about this script is trying to imagine these old rockstars saying and doing what's in the script. "Keith raises an ancient brow." Lol!

I didn't fall out of my chair laughing or anything, but like my husband always like to remind me, there are no famous Swedish comedians...

All in all, I enjoyed the story and thought it was creative.

Good luck getting it produced.