Did Everybody Pay Their Dues? by 0 - Short, Drama - Members of a legendary rock band visit the site of their most infamous concert.   12 pages - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Mick? Keith? For once in your lives
can you listen to the drummer?'

Ha! Very funny.  

I suppose you had to take one of the guys out of the picture, given the cast limit...

Innovative take on the challenge, and you definitely know your stuff.
I was wondering when the Stranger was going to finally appear. But he did.

You've a talent for this stuff. The lack of apostrophes makes me think it was hurriedly put together in which case you did good with all the banter and one liners, and you gave me a story I never knew about. Tragic, touching, funny.

Some good fun! Great concept here. Just a tad long for me -- the dialogue's good, but there's too much of it, especially when it occasionally sounds a bit too much like a history lesson. All I'm saying is that this needs an edit, though. All the parts are there, and it's a winning story.

This feels like a veteran OWC writer who was seriously rushed for time. I could be wrong, of course...

I think this might be the most expensive OWC. Way to use that open budget! But is it really "stranger in a strange land?" It's more talking about when they were fish out of water back in '69, so I guess there's that.

It's really imaginative, I love the use of beloved characters and using a historic moment to tell something new and original. All the typos and grammatical errors, the slip-slide pace, the raw dialogue is what makes it feel rushed, and it's heavy on exposition at times, but overall I still like it. It's something I could see happening (except, maybe, for the ghost.)

It's unfilmable, so I'm not sure a rewrite is warranted. If you do decide to rewrite it, make it leaner, tighter, make the dialogue pop and fix the pace, and it could be a very interesting calling card.

Good job!

Did Everybody Pay Their Dues

Not too much to comment on with this one, besides a few typos and grammatical errors. Other than that, a solid script and story for the one week challenge. I won't even fret if this wins.

Maybe the twist on the theme here is that it makes its audience feel like fishes out of water. It's a  no doubt banter fest, hard to get hooked, but it still warrants a look at what actually happened in 69 because I haven't heard of it prior to reading.

Still, I like the concept and the ghost of Meredith because I think it plays into a crossroads type narrative that resonates when exploring rock n roll lore. It was just hard for me to connect with some of the exposition laid out to understand the history.

Well, that was interesting.

Descriptions solid and crisp for the most part.

Premise - liked it.

Dialogue - an 80% here for me. A lot of the time it was just fine. However there were a few passages that were laden with exposition. The Stones were telling each other things in dialogue that they obviously already knew. Every time they did it was a bit of a hiccup for me. Yes, the writer has a big challenge here because most readers will not know the history and it is nearly impossible to introduce that history in current day action - hence - dialogue with too much exposition. I know it was forbidden for this OWC, but to me this is one of those scripts where the use of Flashbacks would be great (e.g., current day vs the actual day of the concert). I would consider that on a re-write.

Over all, a solid effort.

Fish out of water? Not sure.

It was okay. There was a hell of a lot of dialogue which I reckon could have been cut back, but it built up that band relationship.

The writer clearly knows his Stones, that's for sure. In my opinion Keith would have raised a lot more hell than he ended up doing, but maybe he's getting old and reformed in his latter years.

Not sure that it matched the parameters entirely, but despite the length it was a good little read.

Cam

I'm not a fan and the dialogue was way too much for me. Just not my cup of char.

I was born and raised there in N.Calif.  Been to Altamont Speedway many times.  My Stepdad used to race NARC Sprint cars there.

When I read Altamont in your scene heading for some reason all my childhood started racing through my head.

My stepdad passed recently and I am sorry but I could not read past the first page.

I congratulate you on flooding my head with childhood memories...

Can't say much more...

Ok. Hm. Well, I can see where you went for the fish out of water bit, and also where you felt like everyone might miss it so you stuck it right there in the dialogue in saying they're "outta their comfort zone". Ancientmusicians playing in an open field. I suppose that would be a bit out of their element.

But down to the nitty gritty. It was boring. I mean really boring. I know who they are. I'm familiar with the Rolling Stones. Clearly, there was a lot of research done here about this event (or you're clearly very familiar with it).

The ending felt very forced and artificial. They're out there chatting about some old event while they left the fourth member of their posse behind so he wouldn't break the character limit. When the stranger showed up in out of date clothing, it was clear who he had to be. The bad acting from old rockers was painful to witness in my head.

I suppose it was as interesting as a biography, but it didn't resonate much with me.

Who opens the padlock? Magical and it does so by itself? Also, no need to show the van driver getting out and locking it once we saw it being opened.

Ok. So we have the Rolling Stones breaking into an old Speedway Scooby-Do style. This is gonna be interesting. I hope.

Lots and lots of talking. Nothing really happening at all. As they rolled up in the van there was some comedic interaction between the three and I was hoping this might be the Stones as the Three Stooges. Now that I would love. Sadly, the funny bits stopped and we just have lots of talking. It's not until the bottom of page 4 I even know they came here simply to jam.

Ok, skimming now as nothing is happening. Ok, seems like through their playing they've summoned the ghost of a fan who was killed at the show back in the 60's. A g'g'g' GHOST? I was right! This is Scooby-Do!

No conflict here. I'm being serious here, what if you had the jam session happen in all of the first two pages, then the band gets haunted by a ghost, and together the three of them have to work together to solve the mystery of who the ghost is. Yes it's a tried and true formula. But guess what, it works and would be interesting to read no doubt.

I'm sorry I was going to read this one but feel like I shouldn't without the knowledge or appreciation of the aforementioned characters.
I started and noticed the resistance keeps building within me. What good will my review do if I'm like that? I don't see the story in it and may be it starts later on the pages - but I see that I would appreciate their talk if I knew them, at least liked them or something. And I neither.
So, I won't mark it on my voting list.

It was a struggle for me to keep reading. It was really drawn out and could've been shortened a page or two? Very on the nose too. Does it meet the challenge? I think it's a stretch. Is the stranger in a strange place? He's been there since '69.

Good effort but not for me.

I agree with everyone else.  It fails the fish test.  

No action.  I knew of the incident.  

It won't ever be made, perhaps in anime, or as fan fic but, that's it.

Can't really add more.  It took too long to get there.

And what was the point?  Why didn't the ghost meet them elsewhere?  Now, if they had done drugs, then perhaps it'd make it more "did it or didn't it" happen?

Sorry
Dan

Opening 3 passages are just overwritten, culminating in a 5 line passage which ends in an orphan - absolutely no reason for this - look at how you have "the van" twice on top of each other.

Spacing in your Slugs is off - software glitch?  Look into it.

Up to Page 4 and nothing is happening other than unrealistic dialogue. You throw in a few realistic little phrasings, but c'mon, these guys don't talk like this, and I'm not seeing the humor that's apparently supposed to be here.

Missing lots of punctuation throughout.  Apostrophes don't seem to be your friend.

Exposition City here!  OTN dialogue running rampant!  Just WAY to much banter going on.  You know your Stones and that's cool, but this is an utter bore and once again, we have no stranger in a strange land or fish out of water.

Well, I think this script means well and has some power to it in the end, but IMO, it does not meet the challenge theme.

Grade - **

Writer,

Very interesting story. Just recently saw a doc on the sixties and the summer of love, and how Altamont kinda signaled the end of that. It's pretty sad when you think about it. Anyway, your script feels a little dragged out. Probably coulda made it tighter. So much build up. But, I enjoyed this ride. Good job.

Steve

Struggled with this. Whoever wrote this was rushing and you can tell with the writing, however you get things across enough to visualize.

As soon as I realized this was about the Rolling Stones I started to switch off, not because I don't like the Stones as I do, just that I knew this script was unfilmable.  

Not my bag baby, sorry.

-Mark

As promised I haven't read any reviews before, so sorry for any repeats etc

Ok as we go...

First para just needs some clarity

What! It's the stones...  

Ok, very interesting tale. And I applaud you brining this into this OWC

Actually I love this idea, but I feel it needs some fine tuning. A touch of finesse . How to bring the best out of the concept?

Like the one I read before, it could do with some foreshadowing.

Nice effort, and connections.

I don't know. I don't know about any of this. I'm not a big Stone's fan. I do like the song with "He's got the moves like Jagger", which, I am told by a friend of a cadet friend thought the words were "He's got the moves like Jenga" and those suckers like to fall.

Seriously though, it felt to me like a lot of banter. And I didn't understand it. It didn't compel me and I found myself skimming.

Apologies,

Sandra

Very well written imho, but for me the middle dragged a little, padding perhaps.

Anyway, only vaguely familiar with the actual event so this was historically interesting too.

Ending worked well for me, felt a bit Twighlight Zoney... never a bad thing.

Every time I read short stories about famous vips and rock stars I just cringe when imaging those cheap looking doubles who would need to play them.

I'm simply not your audience here. Sorry.

I respect this effort, especially the last half when Murdock is introduced and we then know the purpose of the piece.

I have to disagree with a lot of the others about the dialogue though - the banter between the three was for me too on the nose and probably not even needed. Mick's rant about putting on a free concert had a Little Rascals vibe to it. It's just not something that perhaps the biggest rock star ever would be given to fantasizing out loud about IMO. He can do whatever he wants with a snap of the fingers. He doesn't need to waste time giving voice to it.

This could be a 6 page script, where we follow the band out to the site and the exposition is given, instead of through dialogue, through news cast V.O.'s and inserts of newspaper headlines.

I would keep the disagreement between Mick and Keith once they get to the site, but I would shorten the dialogue to one word sentences. Remember, these guys can probably read each others' minds by now.

And I almost punched out when Charlie said 'you know who I am?' Well yeah, given that he looks like Charlie Watts and he's standing next to Mick Jagger and Keith Richards... (0:

And now that you're free of the 4 character constraint, no need to leave poor Ronnie drugged up and tied to the bed... (0:

This is a good exercise in writing dialogue but no way could it ever get made because the people involved would get sued.

Plus, the incident this story revolves around happened so long ago, it's doubtful too many people still care about it.

I liked the story and the creativity of it. I was not aware of the death at the concert however. I love the Stones, but I didn't live in the US at the time besides I was rather young, so...

I think this can be trimmed quite a bit. For example, a character's every motion doesn't need to be described in detail.

I guess for me, the funniest thing about this script is trying to imagine these old rockstars saying and doing what's in the script. "Keith raises an ancient brow." Lol!

I didn't fall out of my chair laughing or anything, but like my husband always like to remind me, there are no famous Swedish comedians...

All in all, I enjoyed the story and thought it was creative.

Good luck getting it produced.