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The First Step by Lord Nelson - Short, Drama - With her marriage hanging on by a thread, a tired wife struggles with the limits of just how much she can take. 10 pages - pdf, format
it was a great pleasure to read your story. The descriptions are on point and the dialogs very authentic. I must confess that I sometimes lost the thread of the story, but it was still very entertaining. I liked the details you put in like the one with the crooked frame. Well done. Sometimes I feared their was no Character Arc in it, but you revealed a change in Rose's mindset. So check! I'm sure that their are still stuff in it that could be changed or be cut, but all in all I have to admit that you've done an absolutely terrific job with this one. Keep it up!
Halfway in and the script's spinnings its wheels a bit. We get it -- they have a bad marriage and Jeff's a jerk. Need a bit more progression through these scenes, especially since so many of the micro-conflicts are very familiar ones around housework etc.
The kids are kinda non-entities. Would be nice to get a sense of their personalities, their relationship.
So, pretty standard story with few surprises, here. Just sticks to its trajectory. There's nothing particularly unusual or interesting about these characters, and that's the script's main issue -- it just feels familiar. I'm not sure what it brings to the very-full table of domestic dramas of this sort. Smooth read. A little perfunctory in the climax. Not really for me.
Wow this has a crazy churning style of narration that I dig! Its like a series of vignettes linked together that show the slow burn of the marital breakup.
Perps will no doubt scoff at the' unfilmable' stuff - does anyone care about that shit anymore lol - but this just adds to the feel of the whole thing.
Another one where I am struggling to see how it meets the challenge requirements - Maybe I need to recalibrate my thinking since no one else has had an issue. So yes, a solid story about domestic violence. But I am at a lost as to who is the stranger and where is the strange land???? Is it just me.??
Excellent use of unfilmables/asides. Every time I read one I thought it actually served to enhance the story.
I enjoyed the rapid pace of the scenes.
The ending was a bit lacking for me. Predictable and almost seemed to be a start of story rather than the end of one.
As being a fish out of water is a central theme, a brief reference to an unusual freedom at the end doesn't do it for me.
The drama was well crafted, and the writing was pretty good. A couple of simple typos, nothing major.
The story itself. There's shifts, different movements in profession and life, but the relationship seemed pretty rubbish from the start so there was no real shock in the descent into physical violence. It also felt quite repetitive and was fairly relentless in just smashing the reader with misery, some may get that but I didn't. Also, the kids need to be worked on more. There's no real character there other than in name.
An ok effort, but you missed the challenge parameters in my eyes, so that's gonna cost you.
Cam
P.S. Another Jeff! That's two challenges in a row (not including the Jeff Goes to Vegas mini skit).
Melodrama laid on a bit thick. The trope with the kids in the bedroom doing normal things while Mom and Dad argue is very well worn. Too much for me, but I can see that some would connect with this, perhaps because they have lived through it. Anyway, I'll press on, despite the fact that if I had the option while watching I would be very tempted to switch off.
This is a well-written story that some/many will like and completely get. I think you nailed the two main characters and their relative perspectives perfectly. Not so much a short story, more a snippet from the lives of many couples.
Stranger in a strange land is implied by the breakdown of the relationship I assume. It wasn't like that when they first got together so her life (both their lives) became something different, a strange land, even.
This should get picked up, although lacks the creativity to be anything more than a sympathy piece, IMO.
This felt long and I think it's because it felt like a repetition of the same subject brought over and over. He's not appreciative of her and we see that on the very first pages. But you tell us several more times before arriving to the reveal - the ending that's been implied all along.
And if she didn't do that you wouldn't have an ending - so I kind of anticipated her doing what she did at the end.
On the other hand stories like that are popular, they are film able and all - so good for you for writing it. The flow is a bit jumpy for me, too many short scenes that leave me with feeling of being abrupt, see what the others got to say about that.
I enjoyed the first few pages. Got a feel for some of the issues in this troubled marriage, the kids trying their best to cope. Then it just repeats the same thing over and over again.
I think there has to be a slow, steady descent here. Start small, little things, little conflicts that seem almost innocuous. Then it builds and builds till the violence erupts.
And keep the confrontations unpredictable. Maybe she finds little ways to appease him, or tries to, so there's more of a cat-and-mouse game. she's constantly having to think on her feet and never sure exactly what will set him off. Instead of him just shouting at her immediately and the scene ending.
Anyways, good effort for a week. Definitely has potential.
The writing here is very good, and this feels like a writer comfortable in their skin. I just wonder if your skills are employed to best use with how you structure the story.
A series of short clips do not tell this story in the most effective way. The most effective part of the script was the overflowing argument as the kids went about their business. Playing that argumeny as a soundtrack to the kids lives was a neat visual. A good director could make that quite a powerful scene with the right direction of the kids. That scene felt like there was a lot going on under the hood.
You then jumped to a series of selected moments from their life, which added nothing to te initial argument in terrms of development, so the story started to lose any emotional resonance.
It also felt like Jeff was an inconsistent character, in that his actions didn't always seem to emanate from the same person. He veered too much from jokey to an actual rapist, and whilst we don't want characters to be one-dimensional, the variation must be reflected from a consistent character palette. I think you just tried to do too much with his character in the page coiunt, and so the depth of his character is spread too thin to be believable.
It was the same with Rose, whereby she oscillated from standing her ground to meekly surrendering. I suspect your choice to introduce a series of moments was to help facilitate rounded characters that do have different sides to them, but again, I think the page count is against you on this.
In my opinion, you'd be better off keeping this to a straight one evening timeline, and allowing a slow build-up of them remincising descend into something approaching the end you chose. I feel that will allow for a more organic exploration of these characters as people, and how they got where they are.
Ok, so hitting the requirements first, you don't hit your fish out of water bit until the very, very end where you make sure to tell us to our face that she's "never been here before" making it very metaphorical. It's a stretch, but I see what you did there.
As for the rest, it really goes on too long. The story is basic enough that it's kind of hard to screw it up. You hit all the high notes of a relationship going down the drain. The one thing I wanted to know is "why didn't she pay the credit card bill?" There was never any reasoning given for that. I suppose one can imply that she was subconsciously ruining him by ignoring it because it was already on the rocks by then, but assuming people assume is dangerous.
It's a slice of life, and it lives up to its title. Hopefully, it isn't autobiographical. It does run on too long though as the tropes of the failed relationship get tired and worn out by the end. I also think it would be better if it were shown very definitively that she is or isn't cheating on him. Or that he is or isn't cheating on her. Those are both major character points that will alter an audience's perception of them one way or the other. Leaving it ambiguous only makes one wonder. Do you really want that blank filled in by someone else?
So well done on it. It's something we've seen before and stretches the challenge a bit by plugging the theme via a single line of dialogue at the end, but not bad.
Not really anything there. Just fighting. Didn't really like either character, no inciting incident as far as I can see. Just fight, and more fighting.
As they said above, it's violence for the sake of violence. If you wanted to see the worst version of that, check out "The Burning Bed," which was based on a true story about DV where the wife finally kills the bastard...
You make him have no redeeming qualities.
You also could have her putting cash away, perhaps using the cash to pay his credit card to put into her fund.
Here's where the limits were bad, in real life, someone may have noticed this abuse.
Can't believe that her hubby believes that she's gonna be in trouble. I mean, there's story logic, then there's crazy nonsense logic...
My advice: Don't do violence after violence. Do away with the OWC limits and broaden the story. Make each horrid action he does lead to something.
Oh, how did the kids get ready so fast? Don't buy that one either.
I'm interested in reading animation, horror, sci fy, suspense, fantasy, and anything that is good. I enjoy writing the same. Looking to team with anyone!
Sorry, not a big fan. Perhaps the set-up to climax was one or two too many. When the kids read Dr. Seuss in the begining, I thought the story might make a turn to fantasy land for escapism...or the kids would turn violent on the Father, which would be well deserved. But I didn't care for Mom either. Hmmm.
Regardless, well written interactions and I, too, liked the 'no refunds' comment!
Two pages in, I was ready to sing your praises. Really great writing on display, terrific handling of the subject matter, and on a budget. It didn't hold, though. I felt for Rose, I hated Jeff, but the kids were hollow placeholders. I thought it was going to be about them, or about Rose's consideration of them, or Jeff's lack of consideration for them, but instead it was purely about Rose. The kids are just there because that is supposed to make us sympathize with her more, when I had all the sympathy I needed.
It's a shame it resorted to a fork in the neck. It's a tragic twist, not a triumph at all. I get that she felt physically threatened, I get why she did it, I just wish it hadn't escalated to that point and left her facing the aggravated assault charges Jeff is sure to file against her. Not to mention he seems to be taking the injury pretty well, it's just a scratch.
It does go on too long. We get it. You could shift some of the focus to the kids to make us care about them more, or give us the beats you skimmed over with Jeff demanding sex, what I'm sure he would see as his marital right. I was surprised to see that glossed over, pulling punches there but not elsewhere.
I won't bother echoing what others have said about the theme.
Great job, it could have been one of the best. It just fell short.
Logline is extremely vague and gives the impression about a generic story, nothing special there
Good entry. I liked the main character, who wouldn't, right?
There are some fine dramatic parts in third act, that said, a lot of the foregone scenario was dragging and a bit boring because we know those story-beats.
Imo It needs to be massively cut when there's no page minimum in the potential rewrite. The story could also need some more energy in the build-up and second act. Give it a more specific touch there instead of plotting that we already have seen so often in exactly the same way.
Still, well crafted, just make the first two acts more specific now
This inevitable trip to breakupville is nicely written. And Rose's response to Jeff's violence is well-motivated (and about time!).
Of course, it's pretty grim reading and we all know where it's headed. And the ending ensures that this story isn't over. So feed the insatiable appetite of readers by giving them more: Jeff hops on his immaculately maintained Harley and chases after them. And plows head-on into an 18-wheeler. Sorry, but I need closure on this story!
Loved this. Really good story. I definitely feel you should take time out to work in this. There's a lot of start and stop re the scenes of Rose and Jeff and their problems. It deserves more build up than just little snippets of life, but the message you're trying to convey is clear enough. Seriously, work on this. One of my favs!
Steve
And yes, there are some logic issues and stuff - how did she get outta the house so fast? I figured Jeff would've had enough time to make that impossible. Those are issues you should clear up, no doubt. What really made this story worthwhile was the payoff, stopped at the red light about to turn green, and that was where you really NAILED the stranger in a strange land theme
This was very well done and most of it rings true for those types of abusive situations.
There were a few issues:
The very first paragraph
>Like a numbed patient
It had threw me off until I got my head into the gear of what you were saying.
The first paragraph I think needs work.
Pg 3 You wrote - in their boosters. Not a seven yr old.
Pg 6 typo on litter.
Besides that, I thought this was memorable though sad. Especially since these kinds of relationships do go on, often for too long, and sometimes the Rose's don't live to reach that green light.
Thanks to everybody who read and gave feedback! Much appreciated!
When I saw the challenge my mind went right away to making the strange place something beyond the obvious physical location. What if the strange place was something mental, or perhaps a stage of a person's life? With that in mind, what if then the story wasn't so much about the strange place but how they got there? The journey so to speak.
That's where the idea came from to take Rose and show the transition she makes from living in an abusive relationship to one free from it.
As much as I hate to say it, writing this was therapeutic as Rose and Jeff's relationship was something I lived through with my marriage. Rose and Jeff ended up becoming something of a mix between my ex and myself as I wrote and I remember a reader commenting that they both seemed to be similar or would fluctuate back and forth in personality which I thought was a keen observation and spot on. The hard part was setting the stage for the abuse and her reasons for leaving in a limited number of pages and give it the gravity I wanted. Abuse is a cycle that's easy to get accustomed to and end up normalizing. For me at least, you end up reaching a point where you draw a line in the sand and say this is not ok and I deserve and want better for myself. It's not an easy choice to make, and some people I know never get there.
I did have somebody else give it a read quick before submitting and they said a lot of what came up here, in that the story was fairly vanilla and needed "something else" to push it over the top. I had no idea at the time what that would be but after hearing it so many times in the comments the story could have used a twist somewhere along outside of what was pretty forumalic. However, as the story ended up being pretty personal I didn't want to change it much and as a result it suffered. Lesson learned, be careful not to let your personal feelings detract you too far from what's best for your story.
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The First Step - OWC
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