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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    July 2017 OWC  ›  Homecoming (was The Atom and Eve) - OWC
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  Author    Homecoming (was The Atom and Eve) - OWC  (currently 1808 views)
Don
Posted: July 21st, 2017, 11:13pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Homecoming by David Lambertson writing as Also Blank - Short, Drama - A woman travels through a strange and dangerous land to reach her final resting place. 12 pages - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



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-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky

Revision History (1 edits)
Don  -  August 20th, 2017, 5:36pm
revised draft and name change
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Cameron
Posted: July 22nd, 2017, 7:57am Report to Moderator
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Hey Writer,

Loved this:

Quoted Text
The shadows of a dozen WOLVES weave in and out of the treeline at the edge of the forest. Low HOWLS and WHIMPERS as if they were talking to each other.

No further comment on that matter.

Parameters then. It had less than four characters, was set in current location and met the page count...foreign/fish out of water? I suppose it was once familiar and some may get sniffy about that, but I'll let it pass as it could be argued that the environment has completely changed from before.

Very well written, and well crafted. The story worked, and the descriptions were clear and concise. It was a nice little tale of loss, and the easing of an old woman's mental woes, and the setting was exceptionally well researched and described. The only typo I could spot was "stuff animals", should be "stuffed", but that's really minor.

One thought. Even though this is entirely set in a foreign setting, and the language between the two women is shared, as the screenplay is written in English maybe indicate the language being spoken (probably Ukrainian, maybe Russian).

Anyway, really enjoyed the read. Well done writer.

Cam
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eldave1
Posted: July 22nd, 2017, 10:47am Report to Moderator
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Clever Title.

Hit the mark in terms of the OWC rules.

Solid effort, IMO.


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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khamanna
Posted: July 22nd, 2017, 1:15pm Report to Moderator
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Hey, writer.

Small thing - Eve Ivanova. Not Ivanov. Maria Popova. Not Popov. Mind the gender. You're no Russian or Ukrainian - that I know now for sure)

Anyway, the story unravels pretty late. Lots of description of the place, and I don't know if you need that many pages for it.
Two would be enough. Eve meets Sofia only on p5 or around it - late for me.

The story is beautiful! And the ending really works for me, nice wrap-up. Nicely written, but you know that.

A lot of parentheticals. But it's up to you. Didn't spoil the read or anything.
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stevie
Posted: July 22nd, 2017, 10:45pm Report to Moderator
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Very well written, if not a tad over descriptive. I tend to skim when the action lines are so elaborate and found myself nearly doing it early on.

Cool concept, intriguing subject matter well handled. Defintely a writer who knows his stuff and had a solid idea how it should go.

Nice work



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CameronD
Posted: July 23rd, 2017, 10:27am Report to Moderator
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A bit over done on everything being motionless and still. I don't see a need to remind the reader every scene. We get it after awhile.

That said, the first few pages nothing happens. A woman evades wolves into city ruins. You've spent so much energy on describing rust you have forgotten your story. It's a screenplay. Not a novel.

Wow. No offense but as soon as Eve is captured and her and Sofia begin conversation it takes a real nose dive from me. The dialogue is super on the nose and not much else. It's a real flip to go from the overly detailed and vivid descriptions to the lackluster dialogue. Almost like two different scripts.

Couple things don't quite make sense. It's a story I get it, but IIRC there are parts of Chernobyl today that people can visit on tours so the whole blocked off and guarded thing won't totally hold. Still doesn't make sense Sofia is living there if it's a quarantined radioactive wasteland.

The idea of your hero being an elderly woman is a choice not often seen so I like that. The premise of having her come back for an memory is one I can get behind considering who she is, her condition, and the location. But story-wise, there just isn't much meat on the bone. Eve travels to Chernobyl, meets a woman, passes out, dies. She needs to do more but she can't as you've spent nearly half your pages on scenery. Give her more obstacles to overcome with her wit since she hasn't much else at this point. For example the wolves, they vaguely threaten her then just leave. Maybe she is prepared and has brought meat to distract them with, or has brought a gun (single bullet) for protection. A flare gun? Hunting rifle and she guns them down with ease? That really helps show us who Eve is and makes it easier to root for her as you've shown us more about her.

Needs more crafting, but a decent idea.

FUN FACT: Because the radioactive cloud from Chernobyl was so large and spread out so high in the atmosphere so long ago, and because radiation particles are so small and never go away everyone of us has a small piece of Chernobyl inside of you now.  


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SAC
Posted: July 23rd, 2017, 10:55am Report to Moderator
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… but some dreams do

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Writer,

The bad: way overwritten. You could trim at least a page if you cut this down.

That's it.

The good: great story, smartly written and touching. I've only read three, but this is clearly the best so far, and I've a feeling this will be in my top 5. Very nice work for the time allowed.

Steve





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oJOHNNYoNUTSo
Posted: July 23rd, 2017, 12:18pm Report to Moderator
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The writer displays precise description, appropriate for the setting, and some of the best snapshots of a painted story I've read in this challenge so far. I applaud how it's written - a closer look shows there's actually little overwriting in these sentences, and great care was given to how this story was told.

After Eve passed out, the rest of journey could be just another tale of something long ago lost. But there's something quite disturbing in the details of of Eve's dying words, I just wish it was painted with the same strokes the writer used in the first half of their storytelling.

I could be dead wrong,  but something tells me the author was dying to use a flashback here and overall the story is better because there isn't one. The first part is a flashback in itself really. I think the exchange between the two toward the end needs tension. Excellent job.
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Heretic
Posted: July 24th, 2017, 9:12am Report to Moderator
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*Ivanova, I think?

One of my favourites, even if I wasn't a fan of how much dialogue it took to get us through all this. An original and imaginative story.

I do think Sofia shows up too late, and I definitely think there has to be a way to trim down some of this dialogue -- I like her telling her story, but it's a bit much, especially given how many major reveals come through the later dialogue. This is the kind of thing that could be cut way down if Sofia kept a couple items that could visually signify some of the reveals. Even something so simple as a colouring book that she and Maria both drew in -- something that she could show to Eve.

Well worth re-drafting this one. Tons of potential.
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Dreamscale
Posted: July 24th, 2017, 9:29am Report to Moderator
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Writing appears to be dense early on, but is actually pretty solid.

Using a POV from a character we have not really seen is a mistake here - in fact, most "written" POV's are a mistake, as this shot here is no different than it would be if the POV wasn't included.

I am very against using random CAPPED words and phrases, but at least they're not also bolded.

So, you decide to finally properly intro Eve at the bottom of Page 1 - I'm wondering why you didn't do this immediately?  It's not like you were hiding anything by calling her a figure or the like.

Although the actual writing is pretty strong, for some reason, this is really dragging.

No need for "PRESENT DAY" in the SUPER, unless some othrr scenes weren't in present day, and if that's the case, we have a DQ here.

The comma, in the next line is so incorrect - hopefully a typo.

"RURAL HOUSE/LIVING ROOM" - Incorrect - in Slugs, when showing exactly where we are (which is fine and cool), use a dash and go from big to small.

Skimming at this point, as nothing is happening.

This POV is acceptable and mostly correct, but IMO, you need to say the view is through the dirty window.

Are Eve and Sofia supposed to be Russian?  If so, at the very least, they'd speak with an accent, which you need to tell us.

So, this 41 year old, small; framed woman is carrying Eve in her arms down the street?  Possible?  Sure, but let's understand, this ain't an easy carry for anyone over 40.

TOO MANY POV's!!!!!

I've done alot of research on Pripyat, and having Sofia supposedly live there still now, if beyond a reach.  There are tours that come through on a daily basis.  With no electricity and little to nothing to eat, she wouldn't have survived.

It is a nice story, though, and I like the ending alot, as Sophia decides to finally leave.

I just wish it was more entertaining early on.  Anyways, you get the highest scrore so far, so good job!

Grade - *** 1/2
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MarkRenshaw
Posted: July 25th, 2017, 7:16am Report to Moderator
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Stranger in a strange land? Hmm, not sure. Eve was returning home, she's hardly a stranger if she grew up there but I suppose it is a strange land after the disaster. So..maybe!

Overwritten. Beautifully written but more prose than screenplay. You spend four pages describing Eve wandering around Chernobyl. That's four minutes of screen time of a girl wandering around a deserted city. You will have lost most of your audience by the time anything happens.

When something finally does happen, you've used so much with the build-up that the characters have to blurt out the plot using very on the nose dialogue. If you'd have kept the setup brief, introduced Sophia earlier and used more visual elements this would have felt less like exposition.

Flashbacks (or flash visions) could be a very usable element here. Eve remembering/seeing things how they used to be in the city from her memories. You don't have to use flashbacks of course, there are other options. She could come across a videotape of her kids recorded after she thought they had died for example.  

A wonderful and powerful story, but needs a lot of work in my humble opinion.

-Mark


For more of my scripts, stories, produced movies and the ocassional blog, check out my new website. CLICK
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George Willson
Posted: July 25th, 2017, 8:29am Report to Moderator
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Well, we have another script written in whatever program like boldfacing stuff. Can't say I care for it.

Do we have the stranger/fish thing? My inclination is no, but I think I see what you were going for. Eve was somewhere she didn't belong, but that being said I like what you did with it.

I thought it was a very well-written and descriptive story. I could see most everything in it, and what I didn't get is basically because I don't know what it is. I have no concept of the "Concrete Sarcophagus" so when I hit that part, I was momentarily removed. The tale of homecoming and all that, however, was nice. I liked it.

A couple things. Gotta learn that it's = a contraction of it and is while its = possessive it. It's important to a writer. Also, plush animals are described as "stuffed" not just "stuff."

The main ill I came up with was the very last scene. You don't need it. It can fade to black on the "Came Home At 73" cross in the ground and be done. It took me from melancholy to confused.

However, that aside, you did well with it. It made sense and told a good story. I'd wager your interpretation of the theme won't agree with most, but you got something good out of it.


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leitskev
Posted: July 25th, 2017, 9:11am Report to Moderator
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Very good writing. As with any work, once the writer takes a fresh look a few weeks after completing the first draft, they will find places to trim. That's true here in the descriptions and the dialog, but for a first draft, the writing is excellent. I disagree with the idea that it was "novelistic". The story here is literally the town, and that requires description.

Which is also where the problem is, maybe: there's not much narrative. No character choices or dramatic turns(unless possibly a discreet one that is indicated by the ending).

But the writer really does do a great job of making the city the story, along with the general impression of what happened to survivors, such as Eve and Sophia.

I agree with Jeff that it would be very hard to carry a woman, unless Sophia is a very large woman herself. But Eve has lost weight with her illness, so I guess it could happen.

I'm not sure I understand the ending. Maybe I do.  She could not be just finding this car now, fueled and abandoned for some reason, and easily starting after all these years. So it must be a car she uses. But why is it left on the highway where she has to climb to reach it?

Or is the idea that the arrival of Eve has finally encouraged her to leave the city and find civilization? So she knew the car was there, she just never had need of it because she had no intention of leaving? If that's the idea, it's a very good one! But it should be showed in the story. In fact, if that's the intent, it might make sense to have Sophia be the protagonist, and therefore begin the story with her, and then a stranger arrives. In any case, she should be shown as someone who should leave, because she is the last one, but for some reason lacks the courage. Eve's arrival has to change all that in a way we can see.

Yes...this met the parameter of the OWC. She is returning to a changed place, so she is definitely a stranger in a strange land. This hits that requirement about as hard as it can be hit. She is returning to an uninhabited city. If that's not stranger in a strange land, I don't know what is.

I like the bold slugs. I have used them myself, though I avoid them usually now because some people really don't like them.

The POV issue didn't bother me, but Jeff might be giving good advice here in that it's more than needed, or can be handled in other ways.

Fine work for an OWC!
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Dreamscale
Posted: July 25th, 2017, 9:42am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from leitskev
I'm not sure I understand the ending. Maybe I do.  She could not be just finding this car now, fueled and abandoned for some reason, and easily starting after all these years. So it must be a car she uses. But why is it left on the highway where she has to climb to reach it?

Or is the idea that the arrival of Eve has finally encouraged her to leave the city and find civilization? So she knew the car was there, she just never had need of it because she had no intention of leaving? If that's the idea, it's a very good one! But it should be showed in the story. In fact, if that's the intent, it might make sense to have Sophia be the protagonist, and therefore begin the story with her, and then a stranger arrives. In any case, she should be shown as someone who should leave, because she is the last one, but for some reason lacks the courage. Eve's arrival has to change all that in a way we can see.


My understanding was that the car was Eve's, as Even had told her where she left it and how she got through the guards.

Through Eve's death, Sofia now has life.

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leitskev
Posted: July 25th, 2017, 10:53am Report to Moderator
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Ah! Yes, that's it! Thank you for clearing up. Obvious, but sometimes I'm slow.
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