I thought it was pretty good.  To a point.  It met the parameters of the OWC, so, there's that.

I found the Hangmen to be far too incompetent.  I found them too easily fooled.

I think the background that they messed up once already added to the confusion.

I think you should rewrite this OWC as a regular story, ie, no parameters, add in people, make it more "in your face" and take it to the next level.

Do some research, especially with guns, and punish the poor guy, until we find out the truth.

Dan

Hello Writer,

I'm sorry to say that the phrasing of the sentences is completely off. It's unclear and lacking punch.

See:

-A Californian park. Given the time of day, it’s vacant. The
smoky grey skies wait for day to come, yet gives the park a
type of exuberance. In the park: tall eucalyptus and ash
trees, lush green grass, and a baseball field.

Why write: Given the time of day

You don't need it.

Now

The smoky grey skies might indeed wait for the day to come, but why

yet gives the park a type of exuberance

When you try to put too much in it's overwhelming.

I like this part:

tall eucalyptus and ash
trees, lush green grass, and a baseball field.

That gives us a clear picture. Also, simply put your exact location in the scene heading: California Park rather than just Park, that way you don't have to write it in afterwards. It's already been stated.

Because of basic problems, I can't continue with it.

Keep working at it.

Sandra

I had one more note that I forgot to include...

"...an unwilling victim of necrophilia."

Um...are there WILLING victims of necrophilia?  

Are there victims of necrophilia?

The masked avengers targeting Samuel for retribution simply on the word from one source makes them seem dumb. One could be dumb, but two dumb guys? Plus, their attempt at torturing Samuel is pretty simple-minded, which again makes them seem dumb.  And Samuel putting on all those histrionics, then leering at the camera after he kills the guys, makes him look like a drama queen.

What if one of the masked avengers is really smart and is just using the dumb partner to help him kill innocent people by making him believe they're killing murderers? And Samuel then naturally proves the law of the jungle: there's always a badder ass out there than you.

Quoted from DustinBowcot Are there victims of necrophilia?

Necrophilia is such a victimless crime.  

Writer,

Okay, I got it but didn't get it. Is Samuel really the right guy? Maybe. Two masked men don't seem very bright at all. Overall, this just didn't work for me. You got it way overwritten in the beginning with the car - takes forever, it seems, to get going. Then you take a nice four  sentence block explain how this could or could not be a warehouse. Totally unnecessary! Get to the action, get to it quick.

Steve