Don't Talk To Strangers by your name here - Short, Thriller - Don't walk the streets alone. 9 pages - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Dear Writer,

you're badass. Just like your script. It felt like Deadpool wrote it and reminded me in somehow of one of my own. So terrific job.
I guess you leave the title page untitled due a lack of a possible name, but hey - it worked out without it.
The scene with the ass smell made me fainting, but why not: ces't la vie. So why no wrench in the rectum? Yessa.
Beautiful happy end with the barbecue a lá italian-orgy-mates.
Nice family spirit over here.
Keep up the great work.

Cheers,

Pedro

The opening slug is wrong - should be a driveway to something - not to Oakland

I don't generally mind unfilmables - but there are way too many here and they serve to disrupt the story rather than help it. As an example, you have two folks tied up in the van and you're telling is they have feisty personalities - that isn't filmable and actually distracts from the scene.

Character names - not for me. Too in your face.

Okay - at the wrench scene and want to jump out. What is the point of this other than pure in your face shock value. It does nothing for the story - in fact it derails it.

Quoted Text MOTHER WRENCH You call this fun? I call it hell. Your strangers, your in a strange land, with even stranger hosts. No better than Harley's strays. I need a god-damned drink.

That it trying to hard at hitting the parameter of the OWC  - would they ever have that dialogue naturally?

Okay - done - sorry, really wasn't for me. Congrats on getting a script done though.

Hi, writer.

So, it's a thriller, huh? The part when the Mother pulls the wrench out of her butt crack is pretty thrilling, so it might just be.

I feel like you don't need the part where the Mother and the Italians drink. And it's good three pages. Was it to show that Harley got jealous? Did he get jealous? Why did he kill them all of the sudden, he had a different plan.
Anyway, I'm not sure about the story here. Don't know what to suggest.

I was really invested by the first page, it's written with a deft and confidant hand. And then it goes off the rails. Halfway through I was thinking it's a pisser, and though the end brings it back from that cliff edge I still think it could have been handled better.

The screeching to a halt threw me, you didn't suggest the van was backing into the driveway with any real speed. I can't even picture how to hide a wrench in an ass crack and I never wanted to but you made me try, so good on you for that. It did take me out of the story though, making me think of the logistics of that. The victims having sex was too much, it all got unbelievable after that. The ending did surprise me, but it was so obvious it felt laboured being so drawn out.

This wasn't for me, but it's a complete story that matches the OWC, so good job with that.

Good ol'-fashioned trash, two thumbs up from me. Surely the next Divine is hiding somewhere.

Pretty sure this ain't a thriller, though.

SPOILERS-ISH

My only issue was the ending -- it's kinda telegraphed what the final reveal is gonna be. I wonder if there's a way to create a bit more suspense around this by having other obvious sources of meat around.

After Carla's wailing, the captured couple get a little less interesting and kinda get overshadowed. I wonder if Giovani could have some sort of surprising secret/talent/moment as well.

Good stuff.

Thanks for the ride from start to finish. Wish I had more to say about it other than I laughed a lot, so the writer scores some points there.

Mother Wrench steals the show, no meat is off limits.

Clearly written by a new writer. Lots of rookie mistakes on show. This story has its moments but not really for me. You can't please 'em all.

Deary me, hey Writer!

First up, if I got accused of writing a pisser in the last OWC then surely this takes the biscuit! Parameters all met, well done there.

Sort the title page out. Formatting and typos were all over the shop, but if you didn't get the title page correct I'm guessing you're new so I'll go easy.

There is actually some kinda flow to your writing, and it was quite fun in places, that's a pretty good start. The story just wandered all over the place, with no obvious direction and was almost gruesome for the sake of it in bits. In short, it was pretty aimless but somehow done with a disgusting charm in parts...somehow!!!

My advice. Go read Probe if you haven't done already, and learn from that author. It had a similar feel to yours in that it was quite random, bouncey and a little bit nuts, but whoever that author is absolutely nailed the formatting and style required to pull this type of piece off.

Well done, I guess? Never gonna win in a million years but you've got something to build on. I don't mean build on this script btw, use your style and strange mind, and if you can create something that's been correctly presented then it could be a lot of fun.

Cam

Lol sorry but after reading 20 scripts or so in a row this was hard to take. I'd read the reviews so knew about the depravity reached LOL.

Hmmmm, interesting.

Pretty sure there were some deliberate typos in there to throw people off the scent. It definitely felt like showy action writing as making a point, but I could be wrong.

I am a fan of showy writing, as it does move a script along, and as long as it builds up a scene that can be replicated on the screen, why not? I think the key is to find the balance. This script was right on the line of being too showy, but ultimately stayed the right side.

The captured joining in on the sex was interesting, and set within the parameters of this world, it didn't feel like too much of a jump. Not sure about the cannibal element, and having the characters essentially ease into life with the captors, I think there was scope to do something more interesting from a psychological standpoint.

All things considered, it was pretty good, and was definitely evocative of some place you'd never want to find yourself.

Writer,

LOL. WTH did I just read? Lotsa spelling mistakes throughout. Not very professionally written, but... It made me laugh more than a few times, it was so way out there. So, you score points for that. Not gonna be a winner, but it was fun to read!! Good job on that.

Steve

Sorry, but. this didn't work for me.  

I'm torn about the stranger in a strange land.  Does kidnapping count?

I found everything to be so over the top unbelievable.  The couple have been kidnapped, but, they have sex?

And what about the ransom?

You introduce all sorts of stuff that goes nowhere, then you drop things without explanation.

Like I said, didn't work for me.

Dan

Bad logline
No title page

Okay, I like your opening sentence, we're fine again…

Then it's too much of it. The descriptions read like comedy writing – why not write in your designated genre?

Yep definitely wrong genre… too hilarious to be taken seriously as thriller.

P6 your you're

P8 eventually getting dark here?

In the end I think to understand the concept better. Definitely a trash flick with a huge comedy-influence.

Don't like the title. It's far too generic.

I'm of two minds about the whole story. The writing and lengthy dialogues felt self-complacent instead of delivering true power for the sake of my entertainment and experience. Somehow that overdone style also delivers insecurity about your concept. More gift than wrapping paper would make this great.

Despite of the critique, there's a lot to like here. To me it really feels like the only hurdle to overcome for you is yourself. All the rest in case of screenwriting you already got in your pockets imo. PS that mirrors title choice, logline, no title page… all easy things you've done wrong but there's that avant-garde over the top writing presentation. With a bit self-reflection you could get in shape and play big. Talent is there, no doubt, writer. No doubt.

OK. Just ... no. You dumped the strangers bit in the dialogue and using a nasty wrench like a golf club, you rammed it up our butts.

Two people kidnapped and chained to a radiator have sex on the floor of a strange house? I don't think so. Then some kind of weird group orgy starting later? I really, really don't think so. And then...

They went from some half-baked ransom plan to having dinner. The plan changed in an instant, and all of a sudden mother has no idea what went on? That makes no sense.

Yeah, this was ridiculous. I can't even...

Terrible logline.  No title page.  First Slug is pathetic.

And then, a 6 line opening passage that's not broken up remotely correct, and reeks of pisser description.

That's already 4 strikes, so I should be out, but I only have 5 more script to read, so I'll give this my best.

Wow, the writing here is full on PISSER with mistakes galore - possibly on purpose even.  Pathetic!  No pissers allowed!!

This is just terrible and in no way meets the challenge theme or is a serious entry.  Complete waste of time.  Worst of the bunch by a long shot.

Grade - ZERO STARS

The kidnapped Italians don't act very scared, which is great if they turn out to be crazier than Harley. In which case, it would be a race to see who could kill who first. If they're not crazy, then the Italians fraternizing with this pair of nuts needs more explanation.

Maybe when he's barbecuing the Italians in the backyard, we see that there are numerous suspicious mounds scattered about the yard. All of them have flowers growing out of them. Thus they've combined their two hobbies: burying people and growing flowers.

I think I understand just what a pisser is now. So many WTF moments, I didn't even keep track. The first page started off promising and then it went right down the tubes. Sorry, not for me in the least.

Quoted from khamanna Hi, writer. So, it's a thriller, huh? The part when the Mother pulls the wrench out of her butt crack is pretty thrilling, so it might just be.

Ok, At first, you actually drew me in with the crappy business. Good ole Harley, got a laugh out of him but:

When I hit the part so well defined in the quotes above, I stopped reading.

Less is sometimes more and that was just too much.

Sandra