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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    July 2018 One Week Challenge  ›  Riot Time Knock Off - OWC
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  Author    Riot Time Knock Off - OWC  (currently 1369 views)
MarkRenshaw
Posted: August 7th, 2018, 5:20am Report to Moderator
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Short and sweet, expertly written. I felt like there should be more but that just means it was good and is probably the perfect length.

Well done, this is another good one. I'm going to struggle to pick a clear winner this time!


For more of my scripts, stories, produced movies and the ocassional blog, check out my new website. CLICK
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DaveTroop
Posted: August 7th, 2018, 1:59pm Report to Moderator
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Nice work, writer.

Your script is well written, concise, easy to read, although...

I agree with some of the other members about the ending being too contrived.
The tone of the story leading up to the scene is too tragic for the joke to work imo.

Also, maybe remove the word steel from the gun description.  We'll still assume it's a real gun because of the build up.

The flashback doesn't work for me because of the no dialogue parameters.  Unless we are watching this from outside the house through a window, it comes off as bad mime.

The writing and formatting are very good.

You had me up to the very end.  But instead of a clever twist, the ending was more of a let down.

Thanks for entering and good luck.
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irish eyes
Posted: August 7th, 2018, 9:14pm Report to Moderator
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Cute story with a nice twist.

Obviously a writer who knows what they are doing.
It's short but effective.

Good job on entering a great script


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ChrisBodily
Posted: August 7th, 2018, 9:43pm Report to Moderator
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I clicked on this because I like pepperoni pizza. This better be leaps and bounds better than the last two scripts I read.

Longline doesn't grab me, but the title is intriguing. Two pages. What do I have to lose?

I love everything about that first scene.

Is "SLAPS" supposed to be a sound effect?


Quoted Text
EXT. NEIGHBORHOOD PARK - DAY (BACK TO PRESENT)


This could also be accomplished with:


Quoted Text
BACK TO SCENE



Quoted Text
a HEFTY WOMAN wearing crazy eye shadow


Mimi from The Drew Carey Show?



I'd put "WE CLOSE AT 3" in quotes so that the reader doesn't mistake it for a minislug or shot.


Quoted Text
He gets out, heads up the walk and half-heartedly waves to a NEIGHBOR mowing his lawn.


They see me mowin' my front lawn
I know they're all thinking I'm so white and nerdy




Quoted Text
Andy [sits] splay-legged on the couch in his boxers


*SPOILER*


Quoted Text
Jets of cool water splash his sweaty, tear-stained face.


What do you mean "jets of cool water"? Is it a water gun? Not a real gun? WTF, did you just punk us, dude? Damn, you got me good. And it ties into the hot weather. It's suspenseful. No dialogue, not even silent movie style.

You nailed it, dude.


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ChrisBodily  -  August 7th, 2018, 9:54pm
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PrussianMosby
Posted: August 8th, 2018, 12:55pm Report to Moderator
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Hello there,

A strong title you got, then a rather weak logline that lacks information.

Nice opening "shot".

"shouts"  -- wait, that should be marked as an MOS here or be presented differently, regarding the parameters… I'll see how others perceive it.

I like the "punchline". The reader, at least I, originally thought that you've written yourself into a corner and go out of the script with a cliché seen 100 times before. You didn't. It worked for me. I like it.

SPOILER
One point: Perhaps, after the water gun reveal, you could have a last emotional message that gives some meaning to the surprising nice ending in hindsight. f.i, maybe he picks up another photo, of his son or mom this time… and with that you tell us why suicide is wrong or an easy out or… well however you see it yourself of course. I think your surprising ending gives you some space for a justified commentary, and I wouldn't let that opportunity go there since depression etc is such a huge topic of today's society. Only do it your way, as smart as the action payoff was…

Otherwise, very good.



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SteveUK
Posted: August 8th, 2018, 2:10pm Report to Moderator
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This one didn’t do much for me unfortunately. It’s well written, but just didn’t feel like much of a story.

I liked the misdirection at the end, but it felt like a bit of a cheat when the gun was described as ‘Cold, black steel’.

Also, why did Andy seem to be the only person affected by the extreme heat?
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Kyle
Posted: August 8th, 2018, 2:31pm Report to Moderator
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The no dialogue stipulation seemed to be sidestepped throughout. Adding the word 'unintelligible', just doesn't cut it for me. I found it hard to picture all the shouting, waving and pointing that followed without any words. And again later when Andy 'waves his arms in protest', but doesn't say a thing. Seemed unbelievable.

Was hoping all this conflict would build into a satisfying climax but the twist ending didn't work for me either. I can't see how stating one thing and revealing another would work on screen. As far as I know, they don't make realistic looking steel water guns for pretty obvious reasons.

Writing seemed solid enough but the script wasn't for me.
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Lightfoot
Posted: August 8th, 2018, 7:03pm Report to Moderator
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Seems like you plopped us right into the midst of this story. Why was Andy at the park and why was he emotional? We come across his after he's already been crying.

I liked the ending, nice little twist. We need to know more about Andy beforehand for all this to really payoff.

Good work.


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SAC
Posted: August 10th, 2018, 9:57pm Report to Moderator
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Writer,

Decent script. Economical too. I definitely agree with the description of the gun. By saying cold, black steel it's almost like you're tricking your audience, which is not good. Otherwise, it could have used more than just two pages. there's more of a story here, I feel. No A/C? eh. maybe it was broke, who knows? Decent effort regardless.

Steve


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ghost and_ghostie gal
Posted: August 13th, 2018, 2:34am Report to Moderator
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No need to beat around the bush.  My two cents? Honestly--this was just okay for me.  Not bad. The ending,  went over about as well as a peanut butter and petroleum jelly sandwich.  Being only two pages, maybe adding a page or two, it would have helped to add more context.   JMHO.

Ghostie



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ghost and_ghostie gal  -  August 13th, 2018, 3:30am
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